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better4me (original poster member #30341) posted at 3:32 AM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019
August was the month he started his affair, and once again as August comes around, I find my mood shifting to sad. Its that my body is keeping score and the daily light changes with the season shifting to autumn reminds me of the time when my life changed. When I learned I wasn't safe, when I learned not to trust, when I learned about betrayal...
And so I find myself back thinking about SI and back reading and posting after many months away. (Waves "hi" to those people who used to know me here)
My New Beginning is really really good and I still feel sad in August. I plan to just let my mood "be" and let the sadness flow over me and I will send positive vibes and love to anyone else going through this pain. And maybe tomorrow I'll slip on over to the JFO forum and offer some support as a way of paying back a small portion of what SI did to rescue me all those many months ago.
I don't need to fix this feeling. I just need to feel it. And every feeling I feel will eventually change to another feeling. That's a pretty helpful thing to remember. Peace.
DDay 11/17/2010 BW:58
Happily remarried!
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:42 AM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019
Hey B4M, thanks for stopping by. August is my anniversary too and as I sit outside in the dark tonight, I too feel the dread creeping in. But we’ll feel it, we’ll acknowledge it, when it is done we’ll pack it away until next year.
Glad to hear your NB are going well, and we welcome your wise advise. Sadly there are always more of us in need...
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
thebighurt ( member #34722) posted at 1:25 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019
Hi Better4me! I think of you and am glad to get an update, even if it is for this reason. Good to know it is otherwise good.
My own antiversary passed without notice this year, but they are different for me. My own antiversary is not an unhappy or trigger time because it set me free from the abuse I suffered in the M. Abuse and control continued through the D and after, but at least I no longer had daily (and nightly) constant exposure to it, no matter how bad it got. In fact, thinking of that date can even bring a smile to realize all the positive changes it made to my life. It really was life-changing and very difficult when it happened, but almost immediately brought positive changes I recognized.
So "feel the feels", as we say, and let it wash away. I know that you have the tools and knowledge to get beyond this, just don't let it jeopardize any of your fabulous NB, my friend!
Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?
Chili ( member #35503) posted at 3:48 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019
Hey better4me:
So good to *see* you pop on. And kudos for recognizing what's going on with you and choosing not to stuff or twist yourself into knots trying to pretend that nothing is going on in with your spirit.
You do sound fabulous - so centered and in a good place. JFO continues to be a whirlwind of arrivals (surprise surprise) - and I know many there would be soothed by your words.
Peace backatcha and to all you ladies during anitversary season.
2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019
Thanks Better4me. It's nice to see you again. 
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 1:16 AM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2019
Hi b4m! It's good to "see" you again.
I don't need to fix this feeling. I just need to feel it. And every feeling I feel will eventually change to another feeling. That's a pretty helpful thing to remember. Peace.
So much this.
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 8:43 AM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2019
I love this post. Thank you for sharing. For me at six years out, it is helpful to come here and not feel like there is something wrong with me if I still feel the occasional wave of sadness or anger even as I experience the full joy of my new beginning. Only those who have experienced it understand that these flickers of grief simply need to be experienced and not eliminated. Hugs to you as you move through these days and weeks back towards that next more positive feeling.
40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.
TheKarmaTrain ( member #54879) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2019
Last week was my 5year anniversary of catching him. This morning a video of me and the kids came up on my Facebook from this week 5 years ago and I was so skinny - hadn't eaten in a week and a half at that point. It was a weird feeling today to think back to those days. 5 years out this is the only month I really think about it for more than a passing minute. Not the day of my divorce, not the day I told him I wanted a divorce, but this month when I thought I lost everything I just hit rock bottom.
Every year it gets easier - and the thoughts/feelings are less anger/sadness/confusion and more just thankful for how far I've come and how I was able to get thru it with friends, family and a great therapist. I focus this month now on my awesome job, my amazing relationships with my kids, my unbelievable support system of friends, and my new beginning relationship.
It gets easier! Hang in there and embrace all the emotions for now.
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