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Lately I have been waking up with a huge sense of fear. Weeks ago he told me that he wouldn't make any decisions until October 1st because he didn't want me to focus on that with just starting a new job. As the date gets closer, I'm getting more scared. I wake up with my heart pounding and feeling terrified. I know I caused myself to have that feeling, but it still sucks. This morning I was close to calling in because I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. He is supposed to go on a work trip in October. Will he have papers written up before or will he hand me then when he returns? Will he change his mind while he's gone? Will he just be thinking that I'm cheating again while he's gone? Will we go the whole week without speaking to each other? All questions I have no answers to or control over, I know.

Life-rebuilder:

Ex-Okie here. Okie women are tough characters. All my female relatives are Okie stock.

You have let go of trying to solve this. He has to work it through. You can't solve it for him.

He is on the rollercoaster from hell. Divorce one day, reconcile the next.

ALL you can do is love him, love your child, protect your child from harm as you see it.

I think you both love each other, but you both need IC up the Yin-Yang.

Time may heal. All he wants is to hurt you back right now. If you really want to reconcile, you will have to put up with that for a while.

Otherwise you continue in terror. Here is a quote from Frank Herbert in "Dune".

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Will he just be thinking that I'm cheating again while he's gone?

Probably. I'm sorry. That's a consequence for you and him. He's going to feel like that for quite a while when you are separated. There really is no way around that. I traveled for work and for years I would think my WW was cheating again when I left town. I don't think that can be avoided.

Your husband has decided that you cannot really love him, and probably never did, because you claimed to have been in love with the OM and him at the same time.

He thinks you don't even know what love is.

Sorry to say I think he is talking himself into divorce. What is holding him back is that he knows he will be heart broken for a long time after letting you go.

Why are you selling trading the car? Sex in the car? Sexual acts in the car?

I traded in the car because the AP was in it, we kissed and touched in it, no sex in it.

I know he thinks I didn't love him, but I did love my husband.

Many waywards say they loved their BS while they were betraying them. Many,after awhile, admit they did not actually love their spouse.

Love is an action. There is nothing loving about lying,gaslighting, involving your child with OM, talking to OM about your husband,etc.

If you say you loved him while you were doing all of that, then your idea of love is warped. You need to learn what healthy love looks like.

But if you continue to tell him you loved him while you were cheating, how will he know he is safe with you, when you tell him you love him now?

Keep fighting for him. Even if he files. This is part of the hard work you need to be doing, if you want reconciliation.

(((LD)))

I understand the love debacle. That is something that I have to come to terms with. I've read many posts on it, from both sides. How could I have loved him and done that? What us love to me? Did I just care for him because we have been together so long? Is my definition of love really fucked up? I know I took him for granted and didn't value him. How could I have? That's a big issue that I have to fight myself on.

I found a local parenting class. It's a 6 week course. They have different ones for ages. This one will be for ages 5-12. I'm going to bring it up to him tonight. It's the same night he has therapy, so she will have to stay at my dad's after school. I hope I get some good tips from it.

LD - BS here.

You two are so close from dday - I'm sure both of your emotions are going a million miles a minute.

Skerzoid kind of summed it up. You can't control him or his actions.

Guess what you CAN control?

YOU!!!

I think we all (BS & WS) know sometimes it's easier said than done, but try to be the best person / woman you can be, act with integrity in ALL things, cuz that is something you CAN control. And something I certainly - as a BS - would like to see.

I screwed up Monday night. I got upset that he didn't show me pictures he took with our daughter the other day. He unfriended me on FB, so I had to see them on there. I got upset because we have always shared pictures with each other of our daughter. If one of us did something with here while the other wasn't present, we would send them so we could see it. He told me he doesn't have to show me anything because that's his time. I had just shared with him how I was having those awful thoughts, and I was very depressed. It definitely pissed him off. I quickly stopped and apologized for getting upset about it.

Skerzoid, thank you for that quote. I'm going to save it on my phone. I've been an okie for 11 years. I have the NY toughness in me as well.

LD

Wow, that's a different combination. Okie-Yorkie.

The greatest challenge of this is going on to achieving a return to a marriage that is balanced, a marriage of equals.

Eventually, for you to be happy in reconciliation, if that happens, the balance in your marriage will have to return.

It may take from 2 - 5 years to achieve this.... Small steps.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 9:57 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

I’m sorry to bring this up, but I think you need to start looking into protecting yourself, legally.

Do you think it might be wise and prudent to at least talk to an lawyer if October doesn’t go the way you want it? I’m just thinking so you won’t be blindsided by the process. I know I was even though I was the one that filed.

Good luck

Dear LifeDestroyer,

My advice is to hang in there. Continue to do what you are doing. Please be totally honest with him and leave out nothing. It is my opinion, is to wait and not contact an attorney. Give it some time.

Best,

Bigheart

If we divorce, we are going to try a mediator. I know he would never try to screw me over, and I wouldn't either.

I am hoping and praying it doesn't go there. I will continue to reassure him and be honest with him. I hope we can rebuild our relationship.

LD, don't give up hope. Everything he is doing,and saying, is absolutely normal at this stage. Your job is to continue to work on yourself, and continue to show him you love him, and continue to be totally honest.

Right now, your marriage is very fragile. One lie, one small lie, could be the end. And, anything that you do, that could be perceived as not being 100% committed to him, and the marriage,could be the end. I understand the advice to see an attorney. Don't. If he files, then absolutely see an attorney. But not before.

As I've said, I believe you are remorseful. And I so want you to be a successful reconciliation story here. I know I'm a BS, but that doesn't mean I will give you bad advice, hoping to cause you more pain, and suffering. I wouldn't do that. Don't see an attorney.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:07 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

I screwed up Monday night. I got upset that he didn't show me pictures he took with our daughter the other day. He unfriended me on FB, so I had to see them on there. I got upset because we have always shared pictures with each other of our daughter. If one of us did something with here while the other wasn't present, we would send them so we could see it. He told me he doesn't have to show me anything because that's his time. I had just shared with him how I was having those awful thoughts, and I was very depressed. It definitely pissed him off. I quickly stopped and apologized for getting upset about it.

Did you ever send pictures of your daughter to your AP?

I have no idea why you might have done that, but if you ever did, and your husband knows about it, it could explain why he no longer wants to share his pictures of her with you.

If you ever did send pictures of your husband's daughter to the man you were actively betraying him with, can you see why he would he would want to keep any further pictures he takes of his precious little girl safely in his custody, out of your reach? If he did not, he would have no idea who else you might send them to.

M1965

I absolutely see why he is doing that, but my selfish brain went to "how far you keep our daughter's memories from me." There in lies my problem. I immediately jumped to me instead of stopping to think what his reasoning behind it was.

There in lies my problem. I immediately jumped to me instead of stopping to think what his reasoning behind it was.

Take a step back and think about it.

We all treasure certain things in life, whether they are relationships or gifts and reminders of people special to us, that we consider ours. Those things can be our anchors in life, things no-one else may even know about, but we know, and we have them, and that gives us comfort.

How many of the things your husband once held most precious and dear to him in his life have not been passed through the hands of another man?

He has virtually nothing now that he can truly think of as his and his alone. He may feel like his emotional 'home' has been burgled, his safe blown open and emptied, anything and everything of any value willingly handed over to a callous opportunist.

He may have reached his emotional ground zero.

So if he can have something sweet and pure and unsullied, some new little precious thing to begin rebuilding his collection of emotional treasure, it would be good to give him his space and let him do that.

I know you simply responded to something without doing an in-depth analysis of it. We all do that, most of the time. We usually only take stock if we have to, and only then because we find we have upset someone.

Your husband is not the man he was. At the moment, he is running on empty, and struggling.

It is very difficult to try to balance fighting for a relationship with giving someone space, but when you interact with your husband, please remember that he is more fragile and injured than he looks.