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First time off the bus

Bluesfan posted 5/26/2019 12:20 PM

So as the title says, last night was my first time with a woman in over 3 years. I had a problem. A mechanical problem I have never had before. My worst fear came true as I am truly attracted to this woman on multiple levels, certain organs did not comply. I have never in my life had.an issue there. Is this normal first time out of the gate? She was unfazed and completly understanding.

Catwoman posted 5/26/2019 12:37 PM

Totally normal.

My SO took a class "Men in Transition" when he separated and divorced his wife of nearly 30 years (no infidelity). He said that they spent an entire class on this and that the instructor said it could happen and talked about ways to get past that.

You might want to talk to your MD and rule out any medical issues (high blood pressure medication is directly related to mechanical issues of this sort). And you might want to consider the medication that can overcome said mechanical issues, provided your MD agrees.

Sounds like the woman was very kind and understanding, which speaks very well of her character. Not only is this situation difficult for men, but it's hard for women as well.


Justsomeguy posted 5/26/2019 13:18 PM

Dont be too rough on yourself. Starting over with someone new is difficult and sex can be daunting the first few times, even longer. You've been through trauma and everything is new for you. Hell, the first time is stressful enough without everything we've been through added to the mix. I know I had my difficulties. She sounds like a caring person. Best to you.

Bluesfan posted 5/26/2019 13:19 PM

I know it's not a physical issue. Every morning is the normal routine if you get me
I am more concerned that it's mental. That kind of issue is harder to deal with. I just hope it was a one time annomaly

broduil posted 5/26/2019 17:56 PM

[This message edited by broduil at 2:10 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

broduil posted 5/26/2019 17:57 PM

[This message edited by broduil at 6:00 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Queen posted 5/26/2019 19:04 PM

To take the pressure off that part of sex, you may want to do some research into "sex without penetration". There are so many alternative ways to experience pleasure and intimacy.

HappyTree posted 5/28/2019 12:01 PM

As a lady who has been around the block a few times... totally normal. Trust me, if she really likes you that will not be the last time you guys connect.

I would work on just "fooling around" with someone without the idea that sex might happen. Just enjoy the touching and kissing. If it leads to sex, great! If not, fine!

JanaGreen posted 5/31/2019 12:40 PM

That totally happened with me and my bf the first time. By chance were you using a condom and lost it when you put it on?

SisterMilkshake posted 5/31/2019 13:41 PM

T/J JanaGreen, you have a boyfriend. I had lost track of what was going on in your life (probably cause I don't read in the New Beginnings or Divorce forums) but WOW! So happy that you are moving on to better things in your life. Take care. end T/J

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:41 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Bluesfan posted 5/31/2019 14:01 PM

Thanks everyone. This may be a long winded reply but I guess I just need to open up. Much has changed for me since my ex wifes affair. It's funny what they say about things happening for a reason, and that you are always where you are supposed to be when you're supposed to be there. I lost my sister June 24th last year and my father passed may 5th. He was in declining health for the last couple of years and I'm gratefull that I was able to be there for my parents, he colapsed on his way in the door, I picked him up off the floor, trust me all adrenalin and put him on a stool in the hallway and he just passed. If my ex had nit done what she did, I would not have been able to be there, both for gis passing, but to help out. Now though my resposibilties have grown. Not only do I have full responsibilty for the cottage but also for my parents home. 2 acre lawn that my mom never had to mow. Sorry I know, long story. I think my inability stemmed from the worry I have of the demands that a relationship may have on my life. I guess at this point I just don't have time or room in my life for that.

EvenKeel posted 6/1/2019 08:00 AM

I think my inability stemmed from the worry I have of the demands that a relationship may have on my life. I guess at this point I just don't have time or room in my life for that.
Whoa....hang on a minute and really think all this over.

Back to your first post. Like HappyTree, I have been around the block. What you are going through is normal and something you guys can work through together.

Now to the second post. If you do not want to date at this point, that is totally fine. Many of us on here have made that decision at one time or another.

However, the fact that you did find someone you connected with says to me that part of you is looking for that companionship right now? And there are folks out here that do not want a relationship that is a big time commitment due to various life reasons.

So please just do some searching in you to see what you think you would like at this point of your life and be honest with her. I am just making sure that you are not frustrated by the situation the other night and are decided to throw in the towel on a relationship right now....when you actually might enjoy some companionship as a break from your overwhelming life right now?

Bluesfan posted 6/1/2019 08:37 AM

I've been trying to figure out why it happened all week. We started talking and connected a little bit before my father passed. It's only since he passed that I have realized what a massive load has been placed on me. I'm fine with it, don't get me wrong. She has every right to have expectations of me and spending time with me. It's no longer simply about my innability anymore, this week a bit too much cling has come into play. It's normal to a degree in the beginning but I can't in good conscience say that I will be available all the time, and her last message last night has made it obvious that this is what she expects.

Hobbyist posted 6/1/2019 13:34 PM

I'll address the mechanical issues only, from my personal experience.

Towards the end of my terrible marriage, I had some mechanical issues with WW as well. I researched and did a lot to mitigate, and for me it was all mental. Depression, her unrealistic expectations and her affair were the issue. Plus lack of patience - if it wasn't at full mast within 30 seconds she'd lose her shit and make me feel awful, which just made the pressure worse.

For what it's worth, here's my advice for mechanical issues:

* Start taking l-citrulline and maca supplements
* Work out (weight lifting more than cardio)
* Meditate - your mind controls everything
* If your "morning routine" involves porn, cut that down if not out completely. Also, try not to masturbate a few days before date night. Store up that energy and save it for her.

Fast forward past D day and the divorce, and my first relationship - I was super nervous my first time that things wouldn't work. But, it did! I had overcome the mental shit that my ex put on me. Having a patient partner who's willing to work with you a bit and not flip out if things don't immediately jump to attention is helpful. In the end, it actually made me a better lover (I'll spare you details, haha).

Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself - and don't let her be hard on you if she is. You're the one who wants to be hard on her (giggity).

Bluesfan posted 6/2/2019 14:31 PM

Hobbyist, my referral to normal morning routine was just stating that I'm at attention in the morning, so not a physical issue. Thank you for sharing your experience, all the replies have made me feel more normal.

Hobbyist posted 6/2/2019 16:24 PM

Ahh gotcha, I understand!

Shehawk posted 6/2/2019 18:45 PM

hello Blues Betrayed wife of 30 plus years weighing in...

Take what you want and leave the rest of the ideas here including my thoughts, but...I believe we can heal and experience mind blowing intimacy post infidelity with the right partner.

two things

one I think many of us have fears and anxieties from the sexual abuse that I truly believe infidelity is. our partners took away our choices and betrayed us. unfortunately the only way I see for me to heal relationship pain is to get off the bus, but it is scary as anything to me and

That first stop is gonna be memorable I am sure. I expect that if I marry again my husband is gonna have to be slow, patient, and understanding of the fact that it may take a lot of time and practice for me to open up to him sexually and respond "normally" after what happened with my wayward husband of more than 3 decades.

On the positive side, with the right guy, even if he had a little misstep like you experienced, I could easily overlook a lot for the long haul and we could have loads of fun doing our homework and getting on with our sexual lives in a healthy way together. That sort of thing just happens from time to time for a lot of reasons.

two, I would need to be emotionally ready to take the intimacy step and I would need to feel safe to do so. for me, that safe container for my full sexual expression is a marriage (tho obviously that container was not so safe with my wayward husband but that is a thought for another day).

I wish us all much healing in this area.

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