STLLOST posted 5/25/2019 21:52 PM

I'm Struggling right now for a really ironic reason. Well actually a couple off ironic reasons. All the times i asked my ww to go no contact with the ap so we could actually work on us and she couldn't. But she's doing it with me. So it's ironic because of that and because I'm the one that should be doing no contact with her. She's lied to me, hurt me,cheated on me,and has blamed all the problems in our marriage that justified to her looking elsewhere. And I'm sitting here crying because how can she just go no contact with me when she couldn't do it FOR me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do all my friends say I'm an awesome person and any girl would be lucky to have me and the one i want doesn't care? It's a hard pill to swallow and makes me feel pathetic

BearlyBreathing posted 5/25/2019 22:13 PM

I get this completely. Now exWH did that to me. Their shittiness is boundless.
Sorry you are hurting- but totally understandable. ((())))

Chili posted 5/25/2019 22:15 PM

Oh STLLOST - I don't think you're pathetic. I've been following your story off and on since you've been here and gently...what I think you are is pretty stuck. I think this push-pull of waiting to see if she gets her shit together is slowly poisoning you every day.

You are an awesome person - with or without someone by your side. I'm sure she is NC with you because you are what I call "the reality mirror." You know - handle your responsibilities, be authentic, faithful, take care of your family...all that stuff. Going NC with reality is exactly what cheaters are looking for in one way or another.

So...the question is...what do you think you can do to move towards getting out of this horrible pattern? How can we get you focused on your future without infidelity as a part of it? Rooting for you. (BTW: the D/S forum is a great place with lots of people figuring out their pathway in all sorts of stages).

STLLOST posted 5/26/2019 11:53 AM

Thank you guys. I wish I knew how to get my heart to stop feeling. Right now I’m crying like a big baby yet again because I just found out that my ww Lied to me not only about her ap not going with her to drop our daughter with her grandma, but also about her coming back the next day because she had to work. Her work found cover for her and she is staying in Memphis this weekend with her ap. This is the same place that she left me there with no way home and no bag. Just the clothes in my back and my id and credit card. So it’s not just nc it’s her out having a good time in the place that should cause her regret for what she did to me. God damn this all hurts so much.

Tortured posted 5/26/2019 14:30 PM

Sending virtual hugs

It’s painful... very very painful every time our exes stup to a level we never imagined they would. It’s ok to feel a little crushed but every time you need to match it (even if you force yourself mentally with reminder notes) with gratitude. She is just reminding you that you are LUCKY not to still be with her. Being alone makes it ten times worse when they are prancing around with someone else. She has at best a 3% chance of her relationship with AP succeeding. Try so so hard to adjust your focus to thanks. It’s possible to have both at the same time. Gradually by doing this, it will become easier every time to say “of thank goodness it’s not me with her”.

Hope you feel better soon

Marz posted 5/27/2019 22:00 PM

You need to be realistic. She's doing all this for herself. You don't matter.

Sounds like you love her so you're expecting her to feel the same.

Tight nc is your only good path. Time will fix the rest

lostandbroken123 posted 5/28/2019 02:41 AM

I am sorry for your pain. Your first post spoke directly to me. You are in the same emotional prison as I am. We have been taken hostage by our love. Keep posting.

barcher144 posted 5/28/2019 07:14 AM

She's lied to me, hurt me,cheated on me,and has blamed all the problems in our marriage that justified to her looking elsewhere.

And I'm sitting here crying because how can she just go no contact with me when she couldn't do it FOR me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I hate to diagnose your relationship in just three sentences, but the first quote above suggests that she is a narcissist. She did selfish things and then blamed you for it. Simultaneously, the second quote suggests that you are a co-dependent. She does awful things to you and you think "What's wrong with me?" instead of "What's wrong with her?"

This is a hard pill to swallow. I agree. My relationship was the same way. I read The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist and it was exceptionally eye-opening for me. I also recommend that you see a therapist. Your co-dependent tendencies are not healthy (I am not picking on you... I say this with love... I am merely recognizing a fellow co-dependent).

singlecatmom posted 5/28/2019 09:04 AM

I feel you on this. My now ex-fiance did the same to me when I caught him. I asked him for a few DAYS without her- didn't even give him an ultimatum to end it, just take a few days off from her so we could process the situation together.

He didn't last one day. Texting her he loved her and missed her, lying to me that he was done with her and was putting all his energy into me.

Well, liars lie. I ended it completely, and of course he is fine avoiding me, ignoring my calls/texts about rent and property, packing in the middle of the night while I sleep and sneaking his things to her place.

It's because I'm yelling at him. And questioning him. And holding him accountable for his horrific behavior. And being cold and angry and distant (you know, all normal feelings from a BETRAYED SPOUSE.) Meanwhile, she's still all lovey dovey, warm, welcoming, and adoring of him. So of course he is turning away from my anger and rejection and pain, and turning toward her. She is easy. He is lazy. That's how we got here.

It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. If she commits to you, that's a long, hard, uphill battle that she may never even win, and lose you in the end anyway. Mr. Rainbows and Butterflies is giving her love, attention, and validation that is NOT deserved.

It's laziness, pure and simple. Hang in there. I'm only three weeks post-DDay and already feel a sense of clarity and optimism for my future.

LilBlackCat posted 5/28/2019 12:56 PM

She's lied to me, hurt me,cheated on me,and has blamed all the problems in our marriage that justified to her looking elsewhere.

Sad to say, it's a trademark most here have endured in one form or another.

You know the truth, and that is what counts..

Take time to heal yourself and start anew when you are ready.

STLLOST posted 5/28/2019 13:30 PM

Thank you everyone. I have talked to an IC and I do know I have co dependent tendencies. I've been working on it. I know I did some things wrong and I've apologized for all my shortcomings but it isn't good enough. I know that being with the OW is so much easier than working on us. I just always thought we'd be worth the effort and it's sad to think I was the only one that thought this. Oh well I have no choice but to move forward.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/28/2019 19:53 PM

STLLOST; sorry you are in a rut. Each one of us finds out _Ahah! moment at different times. It took me two months, but I did not have codependency issues. It may take you a bit longer, but you'll get there. Once you do, things will get better. You will see WW for who she really is, and instead of Love her, you'll feel sorry for her (maybe not), but you'll at least see her for who she is.

Why would you want to be with someone who left you on the side of the road with no money? Learn to love yourself. Time is the only other answer. You'll get there, we all do at some point. In the meantime, take care of yourself, find some hobbies and family and friends to be around. Stay NC no matter what.