This Topic is Archived
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 9:09 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2019
What is really good about SI is that everyone posting is taking real time out of their own lives to share something that they think is important to help you. Just think how many collective hours of members’ time has been devoted to offering you well-meant advice!
HMH comes from a terrible personal experience that I am not sure I could have endured. And she makes a good point that even though what your dad is doing is horrid, you can still have compassion for him. Down the road, when this all has played out and the consequences have sunk in, and he has come out of the fog, forgiveness may be a real possibility.
We all see your protectiveness for your family. Just do make sure that you do not hurt yourself in the process. Yes, try your best to do this with your mum’s support network in place and with lots of contingency planning, but never, ever, hold yourself accountable for what happens now.
In the end, we all put our heads on the pillow and go to sleeep with ourselves, so just do what you need to to be proud of your own behavior and let go of the consequences, as you do not control those.
[This message edited by Odonna at 3:12 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:08 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
Okay Bluebox, your mother chose alcohol to numb her pain because of your father's poor choices in life. Got it. I do understand the mess everything has made and although you care deeply for both parents, this is not your mess to clean up. This is their's, your mother's and father's mess. They get to choose how to handle it.
Be careful how you tread when dealing with this. Sounds like it is only going to get worse. It is getting worse. Your dad's OW is in the hospital, your betrayed mother's drinking is only going to get worse when she finds out the truth.
I think one bottle of wine each night is a lot and sometimes two is worse... When your mother finds out the truth, it will probably be a lot more heavy drinking and excess eating because this is how she handles her problems, she numbs her pain with alcohol and food.
My WH handled his issues very poorly, by getting drunk. Alcoholism is progressive. I don't think your mother is going to suddenly quit drinking.
My WH ended up sometimes downing up to 3 larger bottles of hard liqueur a night. He told me sometimes more. As the body grows accustomed to drinking alcohol, the body and brain needs more to gain the same feeling. Before you know it, your mother will be downing two bottles of wine a night and sometimes three. One of my brother's intentionally drank himself to death. My sister begged me to get him to stop. I told her I couldn't. If we aren't careful, we also can become addicted to trying to get others to change (codependency).
Today, I tread lighty where I go in others business. I'm not interested in being involved in other people's chaos, even if it is my son or daughter's issues. To tell you the truth, I really don't want neither my son nor daughter to marry their mate choices in life because their family history will most likely dictate the chaos they are about to endure. But I can't force them to listen to me or hear me out because they think they know.
Hope this makes sense to you. This is only my POV. We all have to choose our own pathes in life.
[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:11 PM, May 20th (Monday)]
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 3:41 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
You are getting such good advice from many perspectives. Sleep on all of it. And most of all be true to you.
seekers ( member #46706) posted at 4:05 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
From what Ive read ( maybe I missed some posts?) You dear are trying valiantly to save your family. Your love for each of them is evident in your words. I picture the juggler adding more balls to juggle trying so hard to keep all the balls in the air. Please be kind to yourself. You have absolutely no responsibility in what your dad is doing. Its not your moms fault either - he chose this. I hope you focus on YOU.
I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow.
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 6:29 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
Bluebox, I really feel for you. What a horrid situation to be in.
Yes, your mother has the right to know the truth of her own life. It really doesn't matter what came first, the chicken or the egg. The fact is, your father is a WS and, unfortunately, you have this knowledge. We always recommend letting a BS know the truth. I don't know why some would recommend keeping the truth from someone.
Your father had many different ways to address the problems in his marriage. Fucking another women isn't anywhere on that list. There is nothing that justifies that.
I don't see you as trying to "fix" anything. I see you as a person of integrity that needs to let someone you love know the truth about their life. I was so humiliated, felt so stupid, to realize so many others knew the truth of my life (and none of them had the integrity to let me know the truth) and I was a stupid fool not knowing the truth about my very own life and marriage.
Yes, it will hurt your mother. It will hurt your father. That is not your fault but the consequences of choices made by others. I believe you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. I do feel that not working for or with your father is wise. Sending you hope for much peace and serenity. You are a good and brave daughter. Your parents should be proud that they raised a fine daughter with integrity.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Western ( member #46653) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
If your Dad doesn't talk to you or give you work, then you have nothing to lose IMO by revealing all to your Mom. First of all, she deserves to know as much as possible on what's going on and secondly, don't play cover to your Dad's bad acts.
SMS is very correct above
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 11:31 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
How have you been doing the last few days? Is OW still in the hospital? Has her condition stabilized?
Has your dad paid you the money he owes you? I would suggest not returning his printer until he does... is he speaking to you or assigning work? How is the job hunt going?
I do hope that you and your new bf are not being overwhelmed by all this drama; it is hard to start a new relationship with all this going on.
Anyway, just thinking of you!
[This message edited by Odonna at 5:32 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 7:01 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2019
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 4:53 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2019
Hey Odonna, OW is still in hospital, sepsis has been mentioned and they've now moved her to a private room etc she will definitely be in another 3 weeks atleast they're saying.
Her existing conditions are Sticklers Syndrome, Vascular EDS and Fibromyalgia so thats complicating things, plus she has to have a strict diet of Vegan, Gluten, wheat and meat free foods - but no soya. My dad is very worried about her. He plans to stay at her house tomorrow evening, whilst she's in hospital?! Instead of attending a family BBQ my sister is doing.
My Aunt and uncle only got back early hours of this morning, and are out visiting family at the moment. They are at the family BBQ tomorrow, as is my mum... but don't feel like a birthday family bbq is the best place for this bombshell.
I have just purchased a machine for my business to have at home so I can be more independent away from my dad... Cost me a fair amount, but it will mean i can continue to do my business if my dad kicks me out.
I have been planting more seeds with my sister, so in the end it might be her i go to first to gain an ally in this horrible situation. But i am looking at other equipment etc I need for my business, so i am ready to be away from him for a while... and also to help my mum if needed. He has paid me most of what he owed me, so i am being very careful with my money (except buying the machine as needs must :/)
My bf is coping well to be honest, i'm so glad i have him to support me, he's ready to go have a go at my dad though regarding my lack of work coming from him but i've said there's no point. I am still getting work through him, and i'm getting it else where to through advertising etc. There was a job i did yesterday for my dad that I would always normally do, but he went elsewhere for a price! So i just said to him when do you want me to do such and such and he was like i don't know how i'm going about it just yet... so i kept prepping for it, then on Thursday he said when will I have it finished for? Needs doing by wed... lol so i basically forced him to give me the work. I did it yesterday just incase he doesn't want to see me after this weekend :/
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 5:19 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2019
I am impressed with your organization and planning. I hope your sister can be a calm ally rather than freaking out.... I will be thinking of you with crossed fingers.
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 11:51 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
How did the bbq go? Have you been able to talk to your uncle? Have you told your mother? I know you must be a pile of nerves and apprehension. Just thinking of you!
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 1:24 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
Morning, the BBQ was ok, my mum didn't come in the end as wanted to be alone :( she is at a stage with her depression, anxiety & drinking where she'd rather just stay at home, alone. My dad stayed at OWs house alone sunday night :/
I told my uncle i'll come see him soon, but i'm now worrying if its the best idea.. I'm remembering back to when my ex was cheating on me, i didn't want my family knowing so they didn't influence my decision on whether to stay with him or not... So would she prefer her brother not to know? Incase she decides she'd rather just ignore it and stay with him regardless, would be harder to ignore if other people knew and had their own opinions...
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
Well, only you can decide what to do. I know you have had a hard time telling your mom, and felt that you needed an ally. But I also understand that telling anyone other than your mother first takes away some of her own agency in this. But you cannot sit on the fence any longer. It needs to come out. Can you manage telling her yourself? Maybe with your bf with you?
And if you do tell her and she wants to hide it, would you keep it a secret? That is living with a big chunk of dishonesty in your life...
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:38 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
He spends the night with the girlfriend. At this point, your mom most likely knows he is cheating. I mean, most adult men don't spend the night with their friends,and he work isnt an excuse.
It's extremely likely the drinking has gotten so bad, because she has a cold heartless,cheating husband. This probably isn't his first affair.
What is crystal clear, is he has zero respect for you and your mother. It's high time someone stopped being so sad about the shit this jackass is pulling, and got really fucking angry. He is cruel. Abusive. And it's time someone put an end to that.
[This message edited by HellFire at 8:40 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
Lp0725 ( member #70272) posted at 2:40 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
I really think you should tell your uncle as well as your sister. Your mother has major issues, and you really need their support in this situation. Also, once your mom knows the truth she will need you guys to be there for her. I can see why you're so torn about telling her... I'd be hesitant too in your shoes. I get the feeling that your dad doesn't want to be with her anymore but he also doesn't want to leave her in her current condition. It can't be easy to be married to a depressed alcoholic. However, the right thing for him to do would be to give her an ultimatum - rehab or divorce. Instead, he seems to be using her constant inebriation to his advantage. He seems like a very selfish man, especially with his flagrant disrespect towards you by flaunting the affair, but also the way he's punishing you financially for confronting him.
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 3:28 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
He didn't spend the night with OW as she is very poorly in hospital, they are very worried about her as the conditions she has gives an average lifespan of 48 yrs and she's now 41. He had told my mum he was going metal detecting, as it is a hobby of his and he usually stays over. But as OW wasn't out of hospital in time he still had to be away to cover future weekends i guess, plus once he's told my mum he's going somewhere she doesn't want him interrupting her home alone time. So he would've known he wouldn't have been welcome at home so stayed away, still alone though, but at OW house whilst shes in hospital.
If i just told my mum and she didn't want anyone else to know then i wouldn't tell anyone as it would be her decision.
I think i have said before, i understand my dads unhappiness, and feeling of being unable to leave my mum because of her current state of mind. But he has said he will never leave her because he loves her and needs to protect her. But there's also stuff he hasn't done to try and help her. He knows she no longer wants a physical relationship with him, well anyone most likely. So yes he's in a no win situation at the moment, except when with OW... :/
I feel mean on him for outting him, but mean on my mum if i did't. I feel mean on OW (only slightly though!!) too because if it flares it up and my dad ends the affair, shes stuck in hospital without the compassionate visitor she was getting... then if she dies!!.. Guess my dad will then blame me for that too :/ but by then i'll be used to the blame being on me as he's already said if it comes out it will be my fault :/ WS logic at its finest
josiep ( member #58593) posted at 3:39 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
If it helps you sort it out at all, I think part of the reason you're struggling so hard is your mother's health, and quite possibly her life, are at stake here. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease that only ends one way if it isn't halted.
Does she go to the doctor? Does she hide her drinking? I'm wondering if there's enough of a support system in place to have an intervention with her to try to get her into treatment.
She might have depression but it's also possible it's the alcohol depressing her. Alcohol has been referred to as the most depressing element known to mankind.
So perhaps you could help your Mom best by trying to get her to deal with her alcoholism and then when she's in a better place, she can deal with her marriage.
I encourage you to reach out to ALAnon in your area and see what materials they have to help you.
Alcoholism is responsible for so much pain and suffering in this world. It's just awful.
BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.
Lp0725 ( member #70272) posted at 3:59 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
I agree with Josie that maybe an intervention should be set up, and then once she's hopefully sobered up you can tell her what's really going on. You're in a really shitty situation here and it's all your dad's fault. However, stalling more could just make it worse, and what if the intervention doesn't work? What if she refuses to listen or get help? That's a very real possibility. I really think you need input from other people who love her and know her really well. I really don't think you should feel guilty for telling your uncle and sister. You are entitled to some support here as well! This is entirely your dad's fault for putting you in this no win situation. Please don't feel guilty for reaching out for help during this awful time!
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019
She has had Hypno therapy (not sure what its called) twice in the past to stop her drinking, worked for a month or so but then it started creeping back in the 1st time, 2nd time was after the death of my mums uncle, so when she asked her doctor for help 3rd time she was just met with an eye roll.
I believe she does hide it because my dad doesn't approve of it, says he's not had a conversation with her sober for ages. That if he comments she just gets angry and drinks more. I used to drink a bottle of wine a night after my ex cheated on me, then it progressed to more, but never 2 bottles. I weaned myself off by diluting the wine with flavored water. Now i'll only have an alcoholic drink 1-2 times a week and its usually only half a bottle of wine if that. I have told my mum this, but she has said she'd have to go complete cold turkey to stop, but she's just not got the will power to. She has a scan or something happening at the hospital soon as might have an issue with her liver :/ she has said it would probably take something serious like liver failure to stop her drinking... :( here support system all live about 35-40 minutes away, its only me thats nearest at about 15-20 mins and i work ALOT. But I know I can't support her on my own.
I have reached out to ALAnon for me to go along and get advice on how I can help.
free2016 ( member #53526) posted at 6:45 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019
It appears that your mom is not happy in the marriage as well. When did she start drinking? You mentioned your father being seriously ill and she took care of him, which could had been very traumatic. Is she angry or resentful of him?
BW 40, WH 55
DDay May 2016
This Topic is Archived