Two of my brother's died from their alcoholism in the last few years. My sister asked me to make them stop drinking. I told her that I couldn't make them stop, they had to want the desire to stop drinking on their own. They chose to continue drinking and it killed both of them.
It sounds like this is where your mother is heading, esp when she tells you that she has nothing to live for. Of course she doesn't because alcoholism is a disease of the thinking. Alcoholism makes a person think this way.
My WH was also heading down this path. He would have been next to die but I decided to do my best to help him overcome this sick disease of alcoholism, so I blew his world up. Without going into detail, I became the game changer. I decided I wasn't going to continue the sick dance of alcoholism anymore and continue enabling his sickness. It just about killed me but my WH did step up to the plate and quit drinking. He also attended AA/Alanon meetings, seeked counseling, seeked God out and also confessed to me his wrongdoings.
You are part of the problem because you continue to be part of the play of your sick family dynamics. Your thinking is as sick as the alcoholics thinking. Alcoholism is a family disease. Everyone is affected by the disease.
As a person looking from the outside, I can clearly see how your mother's alcoholism has affected the whole family structure. Your WF doesn't know how to help your sick mother and now he has found an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with your sick mother's alcoholism.
You can not change or fix either your father, mother or sisters sickness because of your mother's alcoholism. They have to fix themselves just as you do and recovery is a long road. Alcoholism (any addiction because my brothers also were drug addicts and there were eating disorders in the family also) creates dysfunction amongst all the family members to the highest degree.
I am going to tell you what I've done to help myself out of the sick cycle of my 3 brother's drug addiction and alcoholism. And also my husband's alcoholism. I got IC, attended Alanon (and found several several sponsors to help me to navigate myself out of the dark hole that I was in), I did seek God's help (personal preference) and also attended Celebrate Recovery. I couldn't get better on my own. I needed help to pull myself back up and it worked. Still working on myself and of course wanting to help others. Helping others is healing also.
Do you notice that I referred to myself? "I?" I am the only one that "I" can change. I can not change anyone else. Just like you can't force all this madness to stop. At this point, your parents are not wanting to help themselves. They want to continue this sick dance. It's time for you to blow up their worlds by stopping your madness and work to step away from them.
IMO, you don't have to do anything but help yourself get better. Your WF knows that what he is doing is wrong. Your sick, alcoholic mother can only help herself. You can't fix them but you can emotionally support them from a distance if they agree to get help. It is up to them to fix themselves but you can tell each of them that you are done dealing with their craziness and problems and start to begin to work on and change your life. Once you get on this path, you will love it. I promise you this. Some of my family members still choose to not want to help themselves get better and I am fine with that. But I have also distanced myself from them because I also don't want to deal with their toxic behavior anymore. I am done.
Today, I am a much happier and well-balanced person. I'm still dealing with some of the issues my WH has caused me. And each time "I" feel he does something in the slightest way inappropriate, I call him out, I call him out to others and on SI. I distance myself emotionally from him and I raise my bar higher. My WH is getting it more and more that I am done dealing with shitty behavior, from anyone really.
It seems to me that most posters on here are suggesting that you handle things in a way to get you out of this dark hole that you are in. It is up to you what you want to do. I will tell you this, if you can't even fix yourself then how can you help others?
Life is short. Your parents are choosing daily to live their lives as they so choose to do. Isn't it time that you get to make choices concerning your life?
You are so wrapped up in what others are doing and trying to change them. Start with your issues first and see how you can work to change so that you can get on with your life and find your own happiness. And when your family members see that you are working on yourself, maybe they will follow you or maybe not.
Remember, they get to choose how they are going to live their lives also, whether you approve, or not. But, you also get to make your own choices on how you are going to handle both your parents shitty behavior. Maybe it's time you tell them to grow up and begin to act like adults and you are done trying to parent them because this is what you are doing. You've become the parent to both of them. This is not supposed to be your role in life.
Step out of the way of your parents issues and allow the pieces to fall where they may. The truth may be that you are helping (enabling) this show to continue on.
There are lots of good books out there about alcoholism and codependency. You can attend Alanon meetings and AA meetings. Have an IC. There is Celebrate Recovery. There is so much you can do to help you get better and in the process of you getting better, maybe (or maybe not) your parents and family will follow suit. Remember, they get to and are choosing how to live their lives everyday.
How old are your parents? How old are your siblings? How old are you? How long has your mothers alcoholism been the focal point in all of your lives? What do you think your mother is running from? What happened (is happening) in your mother's life that has contributed to her alcoholism? What are your siblings role in all of this madness? What role do you think you are contributing in keeping this madness going?
[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:09 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]