SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here. This is my first post. I have been married for 11 years and we have two children, 10 and 6. My husband has had two affairs six years apart with two different women. The first was seven years ago while I was pregnant with our youngest child. It was with a family friend that we would go on vacations with, so the sting was even more present because this was a woman we had in our home! We decided to work through the affair with the help of counseling and a lot of time. I was able to compartmentalize that affair because the OW and her husband lived in another city and have since moved out of the country so I didn't have the worry that it would start up again. His dad was dying and the counselor and my husband felt that this was part of the reason that he had the affair, as a response to this horrible event, along with other reasons.

I found out six days ago that my husband has been having another affair. This time it is with a woman that he met at a work happy hour. It has been going on for a year. It only came to light because the OW's husband became suspicious and hired a private investigator. He called my husband six days ago and has been leaving threatening messages and texts since then. My husband then confessed to me before I would hear it from the OW's husband. He says that he loves me and that he loves our family and is very remorseful for the affair. Of course, I don't know how long it would have continued had they not been caught.

I never suspected anything. My husband said it was mostly during the day meet ups about once a month while he would be at work. They only met in the evening twice, the second time being the time they were caught by the PI. He says it was only sexual for him, that he needed that release, but he knows that she was having feelings for him and pushing him for more. I feel so stupid for not suspecting anything. With the last affair there were the typical signs of weight loss, a new workout routine, pulling away sexually from me. This time there was none of that. How can I trust him again? I had no idea that this was going on. I don't want to track his phone or have to be that way. I can't live my life that way.

Besides the affair, which is a big besides, we really have a wonderful marriage. We never fight, get along wonderfully, have a lot of same interests and fun. We still had sex 1-2 times a week. But he usually had to initiate and I wasn't into the sex, more just having it for him, which he said bothered him. He says he never felt wanted. I think that I thought that after the first affair if we had sex a certain times a week it would be enough, but obviously it was not.

So now I don't know what to do. We are going to counseling starting on Monday. I made him leave and he came home last night and slept on the couch because I just can't have him in my bed. I either have days were I cry or just feel numb, I can't seem to find any anger, which worries me. Shouldn't I be furious about this! What is wrong with me that I am not furious. If we can't work it out I don't even know what the kids will think. They have never seen us fight. This will come of left field and probably be so confusing for them. It is a scary thought to raising them on my own, although my WH is a wonderful father and will probably stay very involved.

The last time I told my two best friends but no one else. This time I have told the same friends but they think that I should tell my parents, that I shouldn't have to go through this alone again. I just know once you tell you can't untell. He has told one friend this time and his sister knows something is wrong because he stayed with her for several nights, but she just thinks we are having a rough patch. Of course he doesn't want anyone to know. That was one thing that always bothered me about the last one is that other people would always ask about the AP and had we talked recently because no one knew.

That is where I am at. He has cut off contact, blocked her number, deleted, etc. This is all just a mess.

*hugs* sorry you are here.

I would strongly urge you both into IC and Marriage counseling. I'd also tell you to tell your friends/family so that you have a support system.

Go see a doctor, for std purposes as well as maybe some meds to help you with depression - until you feel better equipped to deal with things. Take your time dealing with stuff, healing comes on your terms - in your time.

In the meantime, you can see a lawyer to find out what your options are - knowledge is power. It also helps you feel as if you have control. At least it did me. You don't have to divorce but it helps knowing what your options are! Plus, it gives a little more oomph to show what your WH could (and might) lose.

Take care of yourself first, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, try to get rest, exercise.

*hugs*

When someone shows them who they are, believe them.

Your husband will most likely continue to have affairs. There is something within him that makes it "OK" in his mind at the time of the involvement. Of course, now that it's over, he's lost both you and the AP. Whatever is motivating him now is coming from that place of fear of being alone.

I suspect this is a "cake-eater", but I'm not as experienced as many here in this group. Others can confirm.

You need to know this about him. He most likely can't and won't restrain his actions for the rest of your lives.

Possibly some IC will help you weigh the pros and cons to determine if this is the marriage you will settle for.

Well, your H(usband) will continue to have A(ffair)s unless he changes from betrayer to good partner, which is eminently possible for the vast majority of W(ayward)S(pous)es.

I'm very sorry you've experienced being betrayed, but I'm glad you found us, because I think you'll find help here.

First, as awful as you feel now, know that you can survive and thrive. You have to go through a lot of awful feelings, but you really can heal. Maybe you'll R(econcile), maybe you'll D(ivorce), but you most definitely can heal and to work to create the type of life you want.

IMO, you need to separate your healing from your H's and from your M's. You heal you. Your H heals himself. Together you (re)build your M(arriage).

Your say you'll start counseling next week. I'll assume it's M(arriage)C(ounseling). MC can be useful this soon after d-day IF the C starts with the A. That means starting by 1) helping you voice your thoughts and feelings about being betrayed, 2) gets your H to respond to you, and 3) gets your H to voice his own thoughts about his A.

Too often, however, MCs see an A as a symptom of a problem in the M - but an A is ALWAYS about a problem in the W(ayward)S(pouse).

That means the WS almost always needs I(ndividual)C - IC will help him change, if he wants to change and if the IC is competent. MC may help both of you - it certianly helped both my W and me - but the big payoff is IC for the WS.

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You're probably still in shock. It's normal not to know what you want right now. I recommend not committing to anything until your mind stops taking you this way and that. If your MC urges you to make a choice before you're ready, that's a great reason to fire the C.

IMO, the best way to R is to define the behaviors you want to see, negotiate these requirements with your H, and proceed. If he behaves as he promises, R keeps going. If he doesn't, D may be your best bet.

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I'm going to suggest a lot of reading. Start reading - if it's not congenial, move on to the next piece. If nothing below is congenial to you, come back and tell us why ... we may be able to help.

Here goes:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

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You'll get a lot of advice from SI> Some will tell you what to do. Some will aim at helping your figure out what your best path is. We all have to find our own path, so I recommend giving more weight to the advice that helps you figure out what your path is.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:06 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

My STBXWH traveled extensively in his career....it gave him opportunity to cheat...

he had several A's...

They never stopped...I now believe his theory is, this is what men do....

I was trying to R...I thought he would learn his lessons...and do the work, because he never wanted a D...apparently, I was a doormat, and the only reason he stayed was because of money...

I was researching...reading...crashing...and starting the cycle all over...and he never tried even one day...Will your spouse do the work? the real work? I would spend time, learning what that is...what it really looks like...and then watch his actions...

Unfortunately, we all hope for the best...we want to believe our spouses...and sometimes they lie... do some work of your own...do some investigative work...How do you really know this is #2? you didn't know either were going on, until later...When you learn who they are, you soon learn how many.....You have to see who they are...for real...Then ask yourself, how many, is too many for you? is 2 crossing the line? is 3? DOes it matter how many, after #1? HE saw the destruction of the first A.....why was #2 even considered?

These are common stages....many of us have gone thru it...Read everything in the yellow box on the left...its a good start of information...

Its early....you might need to consider a lie detector down the road.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:20 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Hello Ag123,

Welcome to SI. Sorry you have to find yourself here.

Deep breaths and know that nothing you did or didn't do caused your WH to cheat. He made those choices, those conscious choices every single time he cheated. It wasn't a "mistake" it didn't "just happen" it was very deliberate.

Besides the affair, which is a big besides, we really have a wonderful marriage.

A really wonderful marriage does not include infidelity 2x's (that you know of) and LTA at that. He has not honored you, your marriage or your family.

You don't have to decide anything today. You will most likely vacillate between wanting to work it out to wanting to give up. This is very normal.

Allow yourself to grieve and please tell whomever you need as this is not your secret to keep for him. You need support and care, get that from your family and friends.

Of course he doesn't want anyone to know

Too bad. He should of thought about the consequences of his actions before he decided to cheat. Why should you honor his feelings when he certainly did not consider or honor yours?

Head up the the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read all you can.

Deep breaths. Keep posting and keep reading.

I would also recommend you read/post in Just Found Out.

(((hugs)))

He did NOT do this because he wasn't getting enough sex. He did it because he is broken, and no matter how bad you want to fix him and help him fix himself, HE has to do the work. NOT you, You cannot save him. You cannot fix him.

I fear that you do not have the full story either. I wasn't just sex, and I bet it was a whole more than what he is saying the second evening was when they got caught? Really? I don't believe that. Time to comb through records, calendars, and evenings out, working late, and all that.

Reread Sisoon's post. There is good stuff there.

So essentially you are in what we call False R. I wouldn't suggest MC this time around maybe IC for both.

Was your WS remorseful after the first A? Has he explained why he had a 2nd A?

My WS used the 'not getting enough sex' route too it's BS (not blind spouse) and is a way to place the A blame on you to deflect the blame being placed on them where it belongs.

You either work out these kind of things in therapy or get a D but A's are 100% on the WS.

Its easy to blame ourselves for a lack of sex. Kids, jobs,housework, obligations. Sometimes I was just tired. Sex seemed very irrelevant.

I thought hard about it. If my wh said he would not have another affair if I had sex every day would I do it?

I decided no...if sex from just anyone is that important for him, I don’t want him.

I’m so sorry. I loved my wh too and thought we had a great life. But now we don’t and never can again.

Sorry you are here Ag123.

Having a second affair shows a pattern...

Unless he works on himself to fix what is broken, he will continue having affairs.

He also did not have consequences for his first affair. This time expose him to his family; his affair is not your secret to keep. Let him stew in shame.

If you want to continue the marriage you need to think clearly what YOU need to reconcile.

The Healing Library/yellow left hand corner has some good articles on this.A timeline of his affair is a good start as I am sure you have been given the watered down version of the affair. Very few cheaters tell the truth. Contacting the OBS will give you more info on the affair. Also, there will be 2 pairs of eyes on them which is useful as in many cases they break no contact.

There is a book your WS will benefit from-How to help your partner heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

Anger will come... you are traumatized at the moment and your body is frozen.

See your doctor for STD testing and any meds you might need. See a lawyer to find out what divorce will look like should things not work out. Also, this will be a clear sign to your WS that you will divorce him should he not do the work.

Stay strong and look after yourself. The roller coaster ride is not easy...

One affair, I think if he were an absolutely amazing husband before the affair, and didn't make excuses (I was dealing with grief from the death of a parent, etc), might be something worth allowing reconciliation if he did all the work. But two, that you know of. I'm sure you've heard the adage, "once shame on you, twice shame on me."

After completely hurting you, he turned back around and did it again, but for a year this time. I'm sure you love him, but besides that, what other GOOD reason is there to stay with him? Does he give 100% to making sure you're happy? Does he do his fair share of childcare without you having to ask him? Does he do his share the household chores, grocery shopping, meal planning, etc. Is the marriage a healthy balance of give and take for both of you? Does he make your happiness a priority? I'm guessing that there are a significant amount of "no's" in there because it's hard to give 100% to wifey and kids when you also have to give time, attention, and devotion to an OW too.

Please understand that many of us on here were standing exactly where you are. I've yet to see a unique situation here yet after almost 6 years. But everyone of us, in the beginning, thought our cheater was different. Your cheater is a serial cheater. He's had at minimum 2 affairs. How many one night stands, etc. between those two affairs?

See an attorney and find out where you will stand if you file for divorce. You may decide to give him even another chance, I hope not. However, knowledge is power so set yourself up for success if you find you have to divorce him because he won't stop cheating.

What do YOU want to do?

he usually had to initiate and I wasn't into the sex, more just having it for him, which he said bothered him. He says he never felt wanted. I think that I thought that after the first affair if we had sex a certain times a week it would be enough, but obviously it was not.

You are not responsible for his selfish decision to cheat.

I doubt it was about a lack of sex at home. Why? Because they only had sex once a month. A man with an unsatisfied sex drive isn't going to be happy with once a month.

It's more likely he cheated (and put his marriage at risk) because he enjoyed sex with someone new - and assumed you would never find out or there would be no consequences if you did find out.

Your lack of pain and feeling numb is not unusual – it’s a defense against the awful pain. Note that his first affair was a double betrayal.

Affairs and cheaters thrive in secrecy. Since he's a serial cheater he should be exposed and you need to provide him with immediate negative consequences.

He’s inappropriately and unfairly blaming you for his affair. Don’t argue with him. There is no excuse for his behavior. Tell him if you had to decide today you would D – but will give him your final decision in 90 days.

In the interim, he must prove to you that he deserves the gift of R.

Take action that sends a message that you will D rather than live with infidelity. Cancel the MC on Monday, talk to your attorney instead. Move him to the couch, stop cooking for him and doing his wash.

Cheaters share a similar personality profile: selfish, deceitful, entitled, and lacking empathy for the pain they cause.

As a serial cheater, I suggest your husband focus on fixing himself (reading self help books and including IC) before you consider (note it's your choice) MC.

The MC therapy process typically spreads the blame for an unhappy marriage equally (including the A). Therefore, I would delay MC until he fixes himself (and stops blaming you for his affair).

Thank you everyone. You have all given me a lot to think about. We had our first MC session yesterday. She said that he has narcissistic tendencies. She is going to be seeing him weekly for IC, and I am going weekly to another IC in her practice. He has a lot of work to do. I think that he finally understands he has to come 100% clean after we spoke to the MC so that I can heal. We had a long talk that evening and he told me timeline details I never would have been able to find out about, which is the first move towards trust he has made since DDay. He is still in the guest room where he will remain for a while. I still flip flop on what I want, but I don't think I should make any big decisions right now. Just getting through the day to day right now.

[This message edited by Ag123 at 5:51 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

You should not make any decisions right now.

You are exactly right. It is too soon.

Work with your counselor. That is the best thing for you to do right now

Reading your title I immediately thought, "How nice for him!"

Your instinct was to title your post with what your husband wants. Why do you think that is?

I've always found comfort in the fact that there were "tells" during my husband's affair, that he wasn't able to lie smoothly. Now you know that your husband is able to lie smoothly. What would it take for you to trust him again?

The ball is in your court. Frankly, who cares what your husband wants? If you want him out of the house still, then so be it.

It's OK if you're not furious now. I'm sure it will come.

Unfortunately what you do not know is how many affairs he's had during those years where that was not with an OBS who had a PI.

My ex cheated on me multiple times while we were dating (in college I was naive). When we were apart because of our jobs - I was unhappy and ended it 6 weeks before our wedding. He married the woman he'd been cheating with for over a year 2 WEEKS later. No wonder I was unhappy! The gut knows.

I did not find out he'd married for six months - during which he called me non stop pledging his love and crying because I was dating.

I told his wife of his transgressions. Many people wanted to condemn me for that, but I am glad that I did it. He proceeded to pursue me for decades. I NEVER gave him one tidbit of encouragement as he disgusted me.

We are now older than dirt. He cheated on her for decades and decades. He once told me that he hadn't cheated nearly as many times as he could have. Well bully for him.

He's still a POS cheater. She has wasted her life with him and now he's old and broken. I pity her.

A man who thinks that cheating is just "something men do" is not a good potential for a long term marriage.

I've always found comfort in the fact that there were "tells" during my husband's affair, that he wasn't able to lie smoothly. Now you know that your husband is able to lie smoothly. What would it take for you to trust him again?

This is what I am struggling with the most. How will I ever know? He is on his best behavior now but what happens in a year or two? There were no signs. There is nothing to look for. It will have to be honest trust and right now I am not sure I can find that.

I am beginning to realize I have some codependent issues.

So he saw the pain he caused you the first time and still did it again anyway?