I've been on SI for a while now, mostly in the Wayward's side, and I thought I would check this out and share a bit of my history.
I was accused of being a sex addict. The more that I dug into it, I'm not quite sure I agree with that statement, but more on the love addict side. I'm hoping to get feedback from others. I've talked to my therapist about it as well and she doesn't feel like it's one particular addiction but instead addicted to numbing.
I've struggled with my idea of masculinity since a young age. I was always the "Just friends" guy in high school and even in college, when I wasn't in my toxic relationship. I'm not a guy who can fix cars, trucks, likes to hunt or fish often, and I have an office job in broadcasting/marketing.
I was in a marriage for 8 years. Our sex was hit and miss. I tried to be provocatively flirtatious with my wife via text and in person and about 95% of the time initiated any sort of sexual flirting. We had 3 kids and so flirting was tough with them around and keeping up with their activities.
I was/am a recovering alocholic. This past year I was grieving the loss of my friend and her kids in a house fire. It really hit me hard. Then things at home started to fall apart and instead of not getting help I blamed everyone else for my issues of coping.
I'm a care-taking/rescuer codependent. I worked hard to provide for my family. I not only had my full-time job but I started a small side business for play money. In September I decided to cope by relapsing in to drinking and joining a sugar daddy site to talk to females, send money and receive topless photos in exchange. I never got off or did anything to the photos, but the fact I was talking to them, had money to send, and was getting topless photos back it made me feel "manly". We would talk about meeting up, but to me it was always a fantasy and knew it would never happen in my mind.
This was all recently discovered after I became drunk and was escorted out of my house and left my phone for my wife to go through and see how much I spent and the images.
She's accused me of being a sex addict. Which, I guess is correct in the sense that I paid women for topless photos a total of 4-6 times when they needed money.
Sex between my wife and I was about once or twice a week and if she said no, I respected that and went to bed and fell asleep or if she forgot I didn't go search for relief else where.
I've since started 12 Steps for alcoholic recovery, recognize I'm addict to not just alcohol but shopping (I'd buy my wife pretty much whatever she wanted most of the time), working, social media, and rescuing/care-taking.
So, I guess I'm in limbo and would like input. I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown's work on shame and vulnerability and it's changed my life. I have a college subject binder full of notes. Like she said, I have the "poo poo platter" of addictions. It's not just one, but I do like to numb. Or liked to. I'm still working on the social media/cellphone side of things, but all else I've established healthier boundaries so I can be a safe, healthy person with integrity and morals.
Thank you for your time. i appreciate it.