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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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whoami62 posted 3/29/2019 06:00 AM

I wish I could cancel in a way , but I don't want to give him that power, if that makes sense

This concert event was planned out by my D a year ago
I rented an apt and they cannot get in without me
I want to see my D ...haven't seen her in 5 months
I haven't seen my friend in years
I haven't seen my mom since December

I am so pissed off right now !

This is not the way it is supposed to be !

His IC recommended a treatment center for SA , but I honestly don't know if he can commit to it and keep the business afloat in his absence , not to mention the expense

This is just such a mess ...youngest D graduates college in about 8 weeks

What a selfish prick

Somber posted 3/29/2019 06:43 AM

I understand that. What if he didnít go? Is that an option? You deserve that time with your daughter, mom and friends.

ashestophoenix posted 3/29/2019 11:51 AM

whoami, I had to go to my mother-in-law's memorial right after a D-day. It was excruciating. I think Somber has a good idea. Ask your husband not to go. And if he does go, here's what I learned to do. Don't focus on him. Minimize conversation, eye contact, any interaction. Make all interaction civil but short. Focus on your friends and family. Really feel your love for them and their's for you. Focus on your fabulous cooking and the wonderful meal you will prepare. Try to focus on who you are which has nothing to do with your husband.

This was hard for me, but I kept at it and it started to work. It's not great being with a partner in this weird, secret estrangement, but it makes it easier for me.


marji posted 3/29/2019 16:10 PM

whoami I think Ashes advice is perfect; yes, ask him not to go but if he insist then just focus on all those you love and take in their love for you--detach, detach, detach and enjoy all that isn't your H. I've been doing that for more than 3.7 years now and it's worked for me--did a Thanksgiving dinner for loved ones and fun ones 3 months after discovery of a disgusting decade long habit of my H; I ignored him and was fine with all the others and the good food.

They're choice and our discovery of it has traumatized us; life is not and will never be the same but let us all do whatever we can to keep what is truly good in our lives. And this event sounds amazing with the amazing people in your life that you want to see and be with and share the event with.

DestroyedWife80 posted 3/29/2019 17:13 PM

I am almost certain of the answer, but WH is making me feel crazy. Says I am overreacting and being unfair.

He is looking to change jobs. His current job has him traveling 75% of the time- which has created problems- being alone in hotel rooms etc

One job he is looking to take is as an investigator that would have him spending a lot of time in strips clubs, gay bars, etc.

Umm...WHAT fucking PLANET does he reside on that he thinks this would be ok...I am DUMBFOUNDED. Seriously, pick my jaw up off the damn floor.

I told him that is like an alcoholic taking a bar-tending position. I am blown away that he sees NO problem here...

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 5:14 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

PNW82 posted 3/29/2019 17:24 PM

After 2 D days and many apologies it is happening again. I knew something was up with the way he has been acting. He has felt guilty rencently. I can see it on his face and hear it in his tone. He has been good since July 2018 until he started chatting during the time of Feb 5-March 12 2019. But I havent seen anything else going on now. He downloaded the Whats app on March 21 but i believe he deleted it right after. I was helping him download an app when i seen whats app typed in the search bar. I acted like i didnt see it and held it in all week stressing out about everything again. I finally let it out yesterday and an argument started. He says he was just seeing what it was he wasnt sure what whats app was. Said i wad wrong he has been good. But he didnt confess about the recent chats. He doesnt know I know that he has talked to other women. He recently went on vacation, he is 29 and single, he is dripping wet right out of the shower, ill give it to you live on chat etc... I am going to tell him today that i still have a gut feeling about something and will see if he will confess anything. He will never get counciling and refuses to think this is an addiction. He thinks its not cheating because its not a physical relationship.

PNW82 posted 3/29/2019 18:23 PM

Dated 8/2001
Child 6/2003
Married 10/2005
D-Day #1- 5/2017
D-Day #2- 7/2018
D-Day #3- 3/2019
Me: 36 and lots of years of keeping all the pain inside
Him: 37
sex addict/sex chat lines for 10+ years, porn, now live chat

[This message edited by PNW82 at 6:38 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 3/29/2019 20:23 PM

I am so sorry! It SUCKS when they REFUSE to see the addiction, REFUSE to admit FACTS and think it's not cheating bc its not 'physical'.

It's unbeleivable that good women, like you, like me, like so many of us on here think it's ok for them to treat us like that.

I don't mean we think it's ok- I think we all can agree it's NOT ok...but for a multitude of reasons, we 'accept' this treatment. We all deserve so much better than this!!!

DevastatedDee posted 3/29/2019 21:35 PM

You don't have to, DestroyedWife. I know it's hard and impossible and awful, here I sit with no retirement left at 45 because I had to cash it out to buy a house and pay down debt last year (shocker...addicts aren't great with money) and I'm broke 90% of the time and financially stressed and yet, this is so much better. I'm happier now than I've been for 2 years. You couldn't give me a million dollars to live like that again. You don't realize the toll that this constant stress and being on alert takes on you until you're no longer in it. The pure hopelessness of it, the agony of it.

Anyone can stay or leave. Just know that it's possible and more than okay to leave. Even if it's not ideal. Even if it's not the easiest thing. Even if you're going to be really broke.

We all know how bad financial stress can be. That it is NOTHING compared to being married to an addict kind of blows my mind. It's true, though. The stress I was living with and that you are all living with is that bad. Honestly, if you're getting up and brushing your teeth, you're kicking ass.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/29/2019 23:51 PM

Everything Devastated Dee said!

I am out of the relationship with my SAXH now - not even originally by my own choice, as he had an exit A - but damn it's insane how much better I feel without him.

I of course miss him, and I still cry over what I've lost.

BUT imagine this life:
- coming home and NOT feeling tense about what you might find. Opening the door and KNOWING that there will be nothing except for what you left there yourself, because he is not there to leave anything
- Knowing that if you do find something out of place, there is a perfectly logical explanation for it because you are not living with someone who is completely dysfunctional
- cleaning your house and NOT finding random paraphernalia in cupboards/under bookshelves/behind bed frames; also NOT having to listen to the absurd explanations for why those things are there
- NEVER being triggered by a certain noise going off on their phone again
- NEVER feeling like a crazy person when you just KNOW that something is off about their behavior because you've seen it hundreds of times before, because now you don't have to watch out for the behavior AT ALL
- NEVER having to wake up to phone calls and/or texts in the middle of the night
- NEVER wondering who he is texting/calling/incessantly messaging on Words with Friends (yup, my husband did that one too!)
- NEVER questioning your own sanity when you SWEAR you saw an image of a naked woman pop up on their phone, but when you go to check it it's not there anymore
- NEVER going to turn the TV on, then noticing that the volume is down to zero, which can only mean one thing, he didn't "fall asleep" on the couch watching a movie, he was out in the living room to stay up all night watching porn while you and your daughters slept, and lo and behold, there is the same DVD in the player again

I'm sure we all could add to this list forever and ever.

I agree with DDee, I am currently close to $20k in debt from having to pay rent at my old place where he was fucking his AP because my name was still on the lease, while simultaneously renting AirBnbs and hotels just so I could keep my job, plus paying out of pocket for weekly therapy with a trauma specialist. And I am infinitely less stressed than I was while living with him.

When living with him, any little thing out of place could send me into a tailspin because even if I wasn't doing it consciously, my brain was always subconsciously looking for whatever might be "off" to try to protect myself. Now, my apartment is a disaster because I've been crazy busy with work and therapy, and I couldn't care less about it because it's MY mess, and I know I won't unintentionally find a trigger.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:18 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Superesse posted 3/30/2019 08:55 AM

HeHadADoubleLife, WOW, love your list!!! ❤️

I have a request for you, as the originator of this rocking mental health checklist, the likes of which I have never SEEN in over a year and a half here, why not copy your LIST and you start another thread, one that we can all add to, as you predicted we could do? It could rival the one in Off Topic that has grown to 18 pages, about "anyone else a thread killer?" If THAT silliness can go to 18 pages, I am SURE we can do your thread justice! DevastatedDee can be the first poster, since she sparked your listing here what you don't miss.

Seriously, as everybody adds their "don't miss" moments, it could grow into a therapeutic reference library of HOPE, and may help people get out of this insanity, by showing them all the positives of life without sex addiction in it.

I really can't wait - DO IT!?! 😀

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/30/2019 09:28 AM

Superesse, thanks for the enthusiasm! Where exactly would I start it? Itís not really Off Topic, would it go in General? Or would it need to be a sub topic in I Can Relate?

Anyway, for those still trying to R, I in no way want to diminish your efforts. You are great and honorable people for doing everything you can to stick it out, and to get your spouse help.

And I do believe that recovery is possible, because I believe that people can change. I wouldnít have stuck around for as long as I did with my XH if I didnít.

All that to say that basically everyone who is in this position, whether they stay or go, is a fucking rockstar for doing everything they can! Thereís no shame in staying so that you know youíve tried everything. And thereís no shame in going once you know youíve reached your limit.

Hugs to all going through this!

Blindsided75 posted 3/30/2019 09:51 AM

After reading some of these stories I feel even more defeated
I just want to wake up and find out this is just a really bad dreamí I have written my story under I just found out but in short I have just discovered my husband who I have been with fur 11 years married for 1 has been living a double life most of our relationship visiting massage parlours excessively. Doing hand then excalatinf to more the whole time we have lived together. It was outr first wedding anniversary on Monday and I asked him to leave because I could not spend the day With him when he has shattered me. I had absolutely no idea. There was no drop in sexual activity or guilt , I guess he did it for so long he thiught it was normal . He broke frown my walks and convinced me to remarry it was the happiest day of my life. We are now in a trial separation . How do I heal I am in such a hole I feel sick . I actually feel traumatised. Will I ever be happy again . Can we recover ? Will he just reoffend like so many other stories on here .

Superesse posted 3/30/2019 10:11 AM

HeHadADoubleLife, I am not sure where you could post this list of yours to catch the eyes of the BS's of sex addicts, as we have this forum, the Emotionless Infidelity forum (that also deals with sex addict behaviors, I feel) and probably several others. I guess you could put it over in D/S but then, it would miss a lot of those who need to see it the most, I think. Same thing with General. It is surely not Off Topic, either. Hmmmmm. A sticky on this thread?

Superesse posted 3/30/2019 10:11 AM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:24 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

DevastatedDee posted 3/30/2019 10:35 AM

If we can figure out where it should go, I'll be all up in that thread. I also don't mean to come across badly to anyone trying to R. I think it says a lot about what a quality empathetic beautiful person you are. And that makes me angry towards those who would cause you so much pain. The pure happiness that these idiots could have had and instead took a crap on it and threw it all away and damaged a good person in the process? Makes me absolutely furious. Yes yes, they've been hurt, molested as children, don't know how to love, have whatever FOO issues, and so on. Any of you ladies also have sexual trauma other than this in your past? Bet I'm not the only one. And yet I managed to magically have this thing called empathy that wouldn't have allowed me to live a secret life behind my WH's back and risk his health and mental state like he did mine. It is just not okay to martyr yourself or throw yourself away for someone who doesn't possess that basic simple human quality that would make them safe for you. Throwing pearls at swine is the saying, isn't it?

I still have love for my WH. I have empathy for the pain that he has experienced in his life. What isn't okay is for him to have taken his pain and made it mine. I would honestly have rather been raped again numerous times than to have had the man I loved do this to me. It is that bad. The pain and betrayal are that damging. The damage he did to me is beyond what anyone else has ever done. I don't have the capacity to love him like I did again no matter what perfect person he became and I understand that well enough to know that my path, whatever it is, lies in a different direction regardless of his behaviors. Maybe he gets his crap together and is good to someone else. That's not part of my path anymore, so it's not my problem. I will not live in fear of any kind of relapse ever again. His problems were never anything that I could have any effect on. They just affected me.

Lionne posted 3/30/2019 15:04 PM

Any of you ladies also have sexual trauma other than this in your past?

I don't, but I clearly had a dysfunctional childhood, my H's childhood was outwardly ideal, but the dysfunction existed quietly. I brought this up to my IC once, she said that it was impossible to compare. The minds of children can't be judged that way. We can't predict how trauma or Trauma will influence one's life.

I get that, but it sure seems unfair, one more unfairness in the great, vast miasma that is life with an addict. I hang on to the idea that I was able to overcome my roots, he wasn't.

I am also "not missing" stuff. I've removed myself from caring about a bunch of stuff. I'm practicing extreme self care.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/30/2019 15:27 PM

Any of you ladies also have sexual trauma other than this in your past?

Nope! Pushy boyfriends, yes. But I always held my own and told them to back off, so nothing ever happened.

And I was just always hyper aware that all men seemed to want from me was sex. So if anything I was hyper vigilant and avoided it for a very long time.

Nothing in childhood or early adolescence that I'm aware of. Just some codependence issues that I learned from watching my mom.

Though my therapist has been telling me she doesn't think that I'm as codependent as I think I am. Or rather, she would prefer I don't think of the codependent behaviors as being so "bad." She thinks I am pretty good at clearly communicating my boundaries, he was just particularly bad at following them because he DGAF. And some of the CoD stuff were just inevitable coping mechanisms that were necessary unless I chose to leave.

PNW82 posted 3/30/2019 17:08 PM

I just started listening to this podcast. Its giving me some great explanations for what has been going on for so long.

The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert: Marriage Coaches

PNW82 posted 3/30/2019 17:09 PM

He could tell something was wrong with me last night so i finally told him I still have this gut feeling that he is doing things behind my back. I told him he has been acting different the last few weeks. He told me he is just stressed out(Listed out all his problems, including me)and he has been good and he wants to be together forever. The past is over and he is not like that anymore. He didnt confess to anything but I know that he did have some conversations with some ladies. Maybe I overreacted I don't think he dove in as deep as i thought. But that was still a relaspe in his sobriety he deffinently is not Recovery because he will never get help. I will keep the chats I know about inside and keep checking what he is doing on his phone with out him knowing.

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