Hi, i'm new here and we directed here by the peeps in the just found out thread. Sorry its so long and i hope its in the right place?
I've been with my fiancee for 4 years we have a 2.4 year old and another due end of June...finding all this stuff out while pregnant.. how tragic is that!, seems sadly common though it seems. We knew each other while teenagers and dated briefly but he was a punk skater with much more important things on his mind than a serious committed relationship.
Fast forward to now 23 years later, he is an amazing father and on the whole a great partner, buys me flowers, watches our daughter whenever i need to sleep and he rarely goes out.. 90% of the time he is home with us, he puts our daughter to bed every night..she really is his sunshine, on the outside you would think nothing is wrong and we have a near perfect relationship, everyone adores him.
The only problem we have had is his insanely high sex drive and smoking weed ... it was good at the start but then the constant groping, grinding etc started to drive me bonkers, every contact turned into some from of sexual interaction and it started to turn me off and just made me not want to do it. Also to make things more complicated in that department he started staying up late and not coming to bed, he would fall asleep on the couch and if he did make it to bed it will be 3-4am. Of course he'd pop his head in wanting a quickie before heading back to the lounge, hes not a selfish lover but our sex life really started to lack that emotional connection.. it felt like i wasn't getting much more than what a bit on the side would get.
And then it happened i found grindr on his phone with pxts between him and transvestite and one other message log i never got to see, i only caught a glimpse of the messages.. something about when was last STD check.. i don't even know if it was him or the other person that asked it, my daughter wanted his phone to watch vids and she was grizzling terribly, before i could get my phone to take pics to read through later i accidentally closed it which engaged the key lock, the app was gone that night. But i do know he was downloaded and deleting it atleast twice a day then all of a sudden after 3 weeks it stopped.
Then comes the facebook message between him and a old co worker she is late 40s, looks a bit hagged.. made me feel a bit offended to be honest, there was only 3 messages and it was him asking for pics.. apparently she doesn't do pics 'hun' and then he asked when her err lady bits will be ready for his guy bits.. apparently 4 weeks, not sure why it was 4 weeks.. i tried to convince myself that it was code for weed or something ut then why would he wants pics of weed right? Messages stayed the same for 2 days then dissapeared.
Then we have snap chat chick, she looks around 24 (hes 40 this year) again only 3 messages apparently he was bummed when he askd her what she was doing that night and she had to work because he really wanted to taste something of hers, there was a pic of her in underwear... now that one made the old ego take a bit of a hit because she was very pretty, very athletic looking.. did i mention her toddlers name is the same name i picked out for our daughter?.. ouch, thats gonna be a great constant reminder.
And the final icing on the cake? almost every day while at work he looks up porn.. everything from shemale to gay bj to straight. There were also some pics of toilet walls with numbers for people wanting to give bjs.
There is still nothing to say 100% he has been physical with any of these people and honestly have no idea when he would do it, hes usually always home or with people its easy to check with....only time could be if he finishes work earlier than he said he does etc.. i'd have to be naive if this hasn't happened since we have been together.
I love him and i know he loves me and loves our family, i think his depression comes from the guilt, I've seen it in his eyes a few time but never thought this is where it came from. He would randomly say he is so scared of loosing us and it haunts him, i thought it was just because of our own personal issues and he thought i'd get fed up an leave...not because i may find out about this other stuff...
Also he started smoking weed again...he had given up when we got together so that is fair game for me to complain about but, i don't mind weed but he gets heavily addicted and it changes him...i've been through it with him once before re giving up and it was a horrible experience...he has no idea i know all of this, i've stalked all his accounts since the end of jan and its driven me near insane... but i am at the point do i really need more proof? Does it matter if hes actually been physical with someone or not because the rest of it still hurts. I honestly believe he is a sex addict, there is no emotion other than sex in his messages to these people, and he hasn't built up a solid sexual relationship with any of them from what i can tell. I just don't know what to do. I am so angry at him for doing this to our family. i do not know what to do..