hank you Hikingout and sorry, I know I said my last question for you was my last but this topic brings up a question I've been wondering about.
I'm guessing that there are literally hundreds of ways my WS could have "taken out" any resentments she might have had on me. Some that I can think of are:
- financial infidelity
- peeing in my gym bag
- spitting in my food
- etc. etc.
There was precisely one way that was sure to kill the marriage.
She chose that one way.
And literally never even thought of any of the other ways.
I know most WS will say resentment had nothing to do with it, it was personal brokenness, but we all know there was at least an element of resentment towards the BS involved.
Why would a WS decide choose that ONE WAY, among all the other options they had, that one way to take out their resentments, that they had to know would likely destroy their BS and marriage, unless they wanted to hurt the BS in the worst way possible?
I guess I just don't understand the claims of "I never ever meant to hurt you." It seems to me that's exactly what they meant to do.
I can see how you would see the affair as an act of revenge. "I feel resentful and so I am going to get you for that".
That was not my experience at all. I am not saying people don't have an affair to get back at people, but to me it wasn't like that.
I do think I had some resentments that I unjustly held against my h. And, I used it to fuel some of my own entitled feelings. BUT, it wasn't an act of aggression towards him in the least.
I really didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to do what I wanted and not have him find out is probably much more what happened.
I had a lot of personal things happening - empty nest, burn out, questions of identity and purpose, depression. The reality of the affair was that I went on a business trip and actually had fun - I smiled a lot for the first time in months. (The affair hadn't really started at this point, it was the beginning of the slope) I just liked feeling good again. When I was leaving the trip and was having to return to my reality, I just didn't want to. I started texting and prolonging the fun.
The affair was an escape. Instead of dealing with the crisis, the unhappiness...I just created an alternate reality. It was not intentional that was what was happening, I didn't realize at the time that's what I was doing. Instead, I saw myself as vibrant and fun again and I liked that girl better.
So, when I say the reasons for my affair had nothing to do with my husband, I am 100% honest. Yes, as it progressed to deal with the guilt I told myself stories about how I was entitled to have fun and that H just didn't understand me...but my reasoning had nothing to do with him or our marriage. It was about me.
If I had left the trip and put a needle in my arm and stayed high for two months instead of having an affair for those two months...it would have been destructive in a different way, right? But, it would have been easier for my husband to understand that my decision to do that was because I wanted to feel the high. That there were deficits in my character and in the way I was managing my life that led me to make bad decisions in doing drugs. The affair was the same sort of thing - an escape - and it was done with little to no consideration of my husband (which is extremely hurtful, but that's the truth).
I don't know if that helps you understand the mindset. It wasn't like "hey I will show you, I will go out and fuck someone else". Not at all. It was more "oh this feels nice, let me keep going back for more". It was an act of avoidance, not an act of aggression.