Husband had sex with a stripper!
Sorry this is so long.
I’m new here- wishing I wasn’t here at all. Here’s my story and at the end are some questions! In advanced I’d like to thank you for support and advice.
DDay- December 8, 2018
My EX husband cheated on me long term and got another woman pregnant. I divorced him.
My current husband is 48. I am 40.
Three months into our marriage I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. When I came home I needed to use his computer to send an email (I didn’t have a need for my own computer), so I logged on and found he had been on a dating/hook up website and he had sent messages to girls.
He had been messaging a lot with one. She wanted to get together for coffee but he told her he was looking for a one time thing (sex) and it didn’t want to hurt me but all he wanted was sex.
I was furious, we fought, we talked. He lied about it- he said he was just flirting and having fun on the computer late one night and he wouldn’t/couldn’t have gone through with it. That didn’t sit right with me so I went back to look and discovered he had messaged her at 9am. Which means he was clear eyed, it wasn’t night and he wasn’t bored cause the day just started.
He promised never again Blah Blah Blah... We got help, communicated, got over it.
In September 2016 I was away on a week long trip. My husband called me one night and said he was going to go out for a beer and if I would be ok if it was at a strip joint. I don’t have a problem with strip joints so I said sure. I asked him NOT to get a private/lap dance and he agreed.
I talked to him the next morning and asked how his night was. He said it was good. The strip joint was surprisingly good. He said he had two beers and went home. I asked him, “Did you get a lap dance or anything?”. He said no, that he promised me he wouldn’t so he didn’t.
Two years later In October 2018 it came out (reluctantly) that he indeed had a lap dance that night.
We had a conversation about it, I was not happy at all, I was furious actually because he crossed a boundary, he broke a promise and he lied.
I told him he has one last shot to tell me anything else because if more comes out I’m leaving. I said no more lies about anything. Even small things like if he has a cigarette!
But I have good gut instincts and something wasn’t sitting right with me. He seemed really stressed, distant and irritable.
So on December 8, 2018 I asked him what was going on and why he was acting the way he was? I said my gut was telling me there’s more and he better come out with it all. He broke down sobbing telling me he had sex with the stripper and he regretted it, regretted hurting me so badly and he was so sorry.
I am now trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it. I’ve had two husbands cheat on me. First one had a longer more emotional affair. The current one had a one time thing but it almost annoys me more because he ruined us for a woman he knew nothing about, someone he didn’t even know her real name, someone he couldn’t pick out of a lineup or say what she’s like.
We’ve talked a lot. It make matters worse we have family members (cousins) living with us right now so we have to talk quietly, we have to sleep in the same room because we don’t need them knowing our business.
We went to a therapist 2 days ago but that didn’t sit right with me. Right away the first thing she said was, “Well, you can’t keep beating him over the head with this. You’ll have to forgive which is a choice and then move on.” First, I haven’t even yelled at him yet, I haven’t called him names, I haven’t talked about it 24/7. So to say I can’t beat him with it... Umm, I have a right to talk about it and ask questions and demand information. And forgiveness- we aren’t even close to thinking about that.
Then the therapist starts talking to him about his childhood (we’ve seen her before just for maintenance check ups so she knows us) and almost like giving him an excuse for doing it because he says he doesn’t know why he did it. That there was nothing missing in our marriage, that we loved me...
Anyway, then the therapist gives up handouts of how to communicate well and how we can reconnect. Reconnect had touching- kisses, hugs, affection. She says, “This is better when it’s done naked so you feel close.”
I looked at her like she was crazy because I’m a long ways off from that.
And lastly, she said, “Well, the good thing is it wasn’t a long term emotional affair. It happened once and so that’s good.”
I thought, “Fuck you!” This hurts more for me because he ruined us over some gross hoebag that meant nothing. At least if she meant something then it’s more worth it for him to destroy us.
I feel absolutely betrayed too because from when he did it to now has been two years. I shared things with him, I did things with him based on us having trust. We had many conversations where I said I think we’re in the best place we’ve ever been and I trust him completely. He agreed!!!!
He knew what he did and he let me say those things, he let me be vulnerable and open and do things only because I trusted him.
I feel like the last two years have been a lie. A waste.
He’s been good about answering questions. He says he’s sorry but I think he’s sorry he was caught and that’s it. He says he’ll do whatever it takes to make it right and fix us. I have all this cell phone/email info so I can look through it if I need to.
I don’t know what to do.
First, does this therapist sound crazy to you? Talking about getting naked, that this early she’s talking about his childhood and how it’s affected him, forgiveness???? Shouldn’t we be more focused on getting all the info, making sure all my questions are answered, making sure he understands why I feel like the last two years have been a lie, why I feel certain ways, etc?? Does it seem like she’s jumping ahead 6 steps?
Second, how do I let go the fact that I may not get the whole truth? After I came back from the trip I had to leave again for a week. I asked if he went back. He said no. How do I know that for sure? I’ll never know. How do I accept that?
Third, I have to travel across the country for a family thing. How do I leave him by himself? How?
Forth, he is upset. He says he feels awful and is devastated he hurt me so much. Says it hurts to look at me and see the pain he’s caused. Says he would never do it again because he couldn’t bare to do this to me again. Bullshit???? Once the dust settles, IF I stay what is the real consequence? What did he really lose if I stay?
Thanks for listening. I’m sick to my stomach, I’m numb, angry, sad, depressed.