Newest Member: Lilident

I Can Relate :
Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

Topic is Sleeping.
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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 3:59 PM on Saturday, December 1st, 2018

Permits, we have very similar stories regarding our H’snrypenof business entertainment. Very common non Asian countries.im not sure why the men there seem to have no trouble cheating and the women put up with it.

My H took the “when I’m Rome” a little too seriously and somehow integrated the “fun” Asian things into his North American lifestyle.

Once he got a taste of that for a few years, he continued here for about 12 years. Nice!

I really do get where you’re coming from. I had very bad days as well; sometimes wondering how I’m earh o could Gen get out of bed. But I did. And I still do. I refuse to give up my love because of his dirty habit. I refuse to stop living because he did something wrong. I did nothing wrong during our marriage and I lived the same family and health stresses are he did. For that reason I walk around with a broken hearty but my head is held high knowing I was a moral person, dedicated my husband and family.

They should be the ones who can’t get out of bed, not us.

They have to live with theor guilt and remorse.

I don’t know which hurts more but I do know that we have a lot of life to live and people in our lives need us. So we Keep on because we are women! We are strong and determined.

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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 4:01 PM on Saturday, December 1st, 2018

Persona,

Sorry about all the typos. Pressed enter before correcting. I should never type on my phone without my readers on!

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marji ( Member #49356) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, December 1st, 2018

Perdita As you may have heard and read it typically takes years to recover from betrayal trauma. It takes years and lots of work in those years. So IC helps; involvement in an IRL group helps; daily exercise, spending time each day doing something for ourselves, something nice, something self affirming helps; being with people we enjoy helps; journaling, reading, helps. Time spent on a hobby, learning something new, helps; avoiding as many triggers as possible helps as does spending time in nature, listening to music that makes us feel good helps, and the list goes on.

None of the above has to do with the H. It could involve the H but doesn't have to. So healing is about healing oneself --not the M.

It's about learning to think away from the H and the M--at least for now-- and think about ourselves and how to feel better each day. So it's not unlike having a physical problem--say a broken foot. If my foot was broken I'd have to do whatever was best to have it heal; it could take weeks and then more time in PT but I would not be thinking about my H or about the M during that time.

It's a simplistic and superficial analogy but there are points of similarity. We are wounded; discovery of the betrayal--and this particularly disgusting, demeaning, pathetic and just plain gross form of betrayal is particularly wounding. But we have to make every effort to turn our focus away from them and onto ourselves.

Thank you explaining about your H' s business outings. The field my H was in does not engage in such activities--it's possible that if someone learned what my H was doing he would have lost his job and his license. But the activities, the strip clubs, the parlors, it's all over this part of the world as well as Asia. The sex trade is a huge multibillion dollar industry. It's disgusting; it's exploitative; it's an insult to all women-those who see no options-those who are betrayed by the men who choose to spend their time, their energy, their money on that habit.

Hopefully your H is sincere in his commitment to never indulge again; hopefully he is working to change into a decent, honest, loving and respectful husband, person, man.

When you're having a bad day, please try to focus on the good in your life-your children-friends-family-pets-If you haven't already you might try working a good mindfulness program; I know several people who say that that's taught them to better focus their mind, their consciousness away from the bad stuff the H has delivered.

To say their activity has tainted the relationship, dirtied the marriage, violated our personhood, is probably putting it way too mildly. But hey, as shocked so wisely said, we are strong; we are women and we will be ok. You will be ok.

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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 12:39 AM on Sunday, December 2nd, 2018

More TT last night.

My H saw one massage person for 5 years, the other for 8 years. At the same time of course, as well as dozens of others, age not disclosed .

The regulars are 5-6 older than him or 10 years older than me.

So my question is : should I be more or less insulted/hurt given their advanced age?

I realize sexiness has nothing to do with age but a woman approaching her mid sixties is mature looking.

I found at least a hundred pictures of the longer term one on Facebook. She also has a you tube following.

Talks about life and herself. She goes on

And on about nothing.

While she looked pretty good 8 years ago, the years have not been kind to her. The other shorter term lady is described as rail thin in her reviews on massage forums. The men mention its best to close your eyes but that she gives a great “finish”.

Ugh... the mind movies.

In any case, just opening this up for discussion.

My hisabsnd refused to have sex with me for over 10 years but made appointments to see two women on a regular basis, both older and dare I say, less attractive. Am

I that bad it was he intentionally choosing less tempting prostitutes to ebb his desires?

Either way, HE PAID FOR SErVICES THAT WERE FREE AT HOME!

If this weren’t so heartbreaking, I’d almost find it funny.

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kaygem ( Member #57956) posted at 5:59 AM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Shocked, my fWH said his ONS whores were: older than me (except one), not attractive and a few were fat. I poly'ed him about the attractive part so he seems to be telling the truth.

I found youtube videos he watched called "sexy grandmas". Yep. Really.

I think these EI guys just really don't care what the whores look like! It's just a weird sex thing where I believe it's nothing more than mutual masturbation (ONS) or a paid whore to help them do the masturbating. Sometimes, I see them as nothing more than a blow up doll for these guys.

And then, on the other hand, you have the pain of saying.."wait, what?? You gave me up for THAT trash? What does that make me?....

And the mind cycles on and on trying to figure out the pain and the trauma.

There is no logic to it at all. My fWH gave a bar skank ORAL...yeah, just let sink in...didn't care about her at all, a ONS...wanted to please HER? Why? As I said, it makes no logical sense. I'm sorry you are suffering in this way. TT is BRUTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: BW
Him: fWH Remorseful, doing the work
Dday-3/17 (ONS's)

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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Kaygem,

Oh my, the skank/oral visual is making me sick.

Who knows what else my H hasn't told me. Perhaps it's best to not know yet I keep digging and finding more and more women and parlours. I also find longer and longer "relationships" with these women. Went from one year to now 8 with one and 5 with the other (the older women) . Countless others who I am sure were younger. He likes variety I guess. More TT to come but only because I discover it. He is not forthcoming which makes me suspicious.

I am still at the stage that I can't believe I didn't figure it out.

No sex at home for years and I actuallly thought a man can go without? I believed his excuses because I trusted him. I guess we all do until we find out otherwise. They are just very good at taking advantage of our trust.

Sick, sick, sick.

And he knows it.

I don't think guilt is as bad as being betrayed, but I do know he's suffering. When he tells me so I simply say one word.

CONSEQUENCES.

The same word we repeated over and over to our 3 kids growing up. Guess he didn't catch that it applies to everyone..

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Perdita1 ( Member #67654) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

Oh Shocked, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with more TT. I remember one conversation with WH when he actually said the whores were like blow up dolls with voices - disgusting but it gave me the impression that these men don’t really see these women as people in the same way that they see women as people in their ‘real’ lives. Fundamentally, they just don’t care about them.

I don’t get this cheating part of Asian culture - but i’ve been assured by my therapist that it’s alive and well, and that women often do look the other way as long as the man provides. Frankly, I don’t care how many women look the other way, my WH knew I wouldn’t. You should have seen the panic and elaborate lies on DDay.

Marji - thank you for your wise advice. Sometimes I resent the fact that I have to heal, because I didn’t choose to be hurt (although I guess I wouldn’t choose to have a broken foot either). I definitely resent the time it’s taking to heal - he got to go out and have his fun, while I get years of recovery from trauma. It’s so wretchedly unfair. I almost want to go out and have my fun too (although not in this disgusting way).

Kaygem - ugh, i’m sorry you have that awful visual. One thing stood out to me when you posted before (not sure if it was you or someone replying to you) - that it’s not about caring, it’s not about wanting to please the other person, it’s about ego kibbles. That phase ‘ego kibbles’ really stuck with me over the past few days. It sums up both how selfish their acts are (really, it’s all about them) and how little they actually got from it.

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veryhurt2018 ( Member #65877) posted at 7:30 PM on Thursday, December 6th, 2018

kaygem, I'm so sorry you have to have that visual in your mind. That's awful. I know my WH said that he didn't care at all what the prostitutes looked like, but then I found pictures of 3 of them, and he must've just told me that because they were beautiful in the pictures. That was hard for me.

My birthday is next Wednesday and last year on my birthday, my WH pushed me to go out with 4 friends into the city (San Fransisco) for a night out. I had a great time but then when D-day happened, I found out that he was with a prostitute that night. To make matter worse, he also tried to arrange a threesome that night (I saw all the deleted texts) but the second prostitute didn't show up. I never want to celebrate my birthday with him again. I don't think he understands why I'm so upset but I think every WS would feel exactly the same. I told him that I didn't want anything for my birthday, not even a card, because it wouldn't mean anything to me. It would just make me sick.

I haven't been doing well the last few days. I feel like for some reason, I'm going through the beginning trauma & depression all over again. I have no idea why, maybe because of my birthday. My house is a disaster, and my boys are wondering why I'm up in my room so much. I feel so badly about that but I don't want them to see me cry so much. I hope this is just temporary, and I go back to feeling somewhat normal again. Well, as normal as I can feel, even through my life as I knew it was completely destroyed.

Me-BW(51)Him-SAWH(60)D-Day: 5/9/18 followed by trickle truth for 12 months

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marji ( Member #49356) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, December 6th, 2018

very hurt please forgive if this has all been said before, but you are still very new to this--it can take years to recover from the shock of discovery and the trauma created by their betrayal. It can take years and lots of work--work ideally with a good IC who is trained and able to help with the betrayal trauma; participation in a support group; time each day focused on ourselves. Some find meditation, yoga, exercise helpful; attention to a hobby, attention to a new hobby. And yes, I think it would be unusual if you had any other reaction than what you're having about your birthday.

I hope the friends that you enjoyed your time with last year are still good friends now.

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CatsEye ( Member #69037) posted at 11:35 PM on Thursday, December 6th, 2018

Why? Everyone keeps asking Why? It's really not that hard to understand.

My STBXH's acknowledged affair partner is only two or three years younger than I am. She was overweight too when they got involved. He still has more in common with me. I think I have a prettier face. I was loving, supportive, and as much of a good wife as he allowed. I frequently got excuses rather than sex but was appreciative when I got any. She also dresses like a trollop which makes sense, and according to her former husband, she's mentally unstable.

So why did the STBXH pick her over me?

I think it's because he expects to get more money out of her. I think that's the same reason she took up with him while still married to one of his best friends.

For most of you, your partners probably just have a taste for cheating.

An affair is nothing like a marriage. It is entirely removed from the day-to-day grind of marriage. It doesn't include getting the kids to soccer practice, changing the baby's diapers, arguing about money or whose family gets visited for the holidays. An affair is removed from reality. It is pure fantasy. It is all about fun, secrets, and sex. The fact that it is illicit and sinful just makes it that much more of a thrill. And you picked a partner who was selfish enough to pick that thrill over you, your marriage, your health, and any children you have.

It sucks. It hurts. It's unfair. But that's why.

Best wishes to all of us who have been subjected to such a horrific betrayal.

[This message edited by CatsEye at 5:36 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

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rebplay ( Member #59205) posted at 1:36 PM on Friday, December 7th, 2018

Kaygem- I’m so sorry you’re back in the black hole. I don’t think I want to know anymore at this point because I know I’d flip out again. I, like you, was not suspicious and my gfs thought I had such a great husband. I still can’t believe he did it to me and will never get over it completely. It’s forever changed me and our relationship. I’m so sorry. You were doing so well. I’ve had some re-crashes too so you’re being normal. I saw one picture and she was fatter and uglier than me. He made a comment during early discovery about “new” Its forever etched in my brain. I can never be “different” and new.

Shocked- my h withdrew sex and physical affection during too. That’s part of how I knew something wasn’t right.

Perdita- yes it takes years with many ups and downs. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Veryhurt- that’s horrible about your birthday associated with DDay. DDay anniversaries are hard enough. I’m so sorry.

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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 10:55 PM on Saturday, December 8th, 2018

More discoveries today. I requested copies of phone bills datiing back up to 8 years ago. Oh boy....

A little backgroud.information, H claims he stated the massage habit in China two, three times a year then moved on to our hometown, 4, 5 times a year then settled on two regulars for 4-5 years, with a "few" extra girls for comparative shopping purposes.

The only reason he admitted to the extras the last two years was because I had access to the invoices on line and did not have to request them.

Then I requested 6 more random invoices going back 8.5 years.

From what I can see with a few hours of research on the web, there seems to be regular activity for at least the past 8 years. NOT 3-4 a year. This is at least 150 calls on a total of 6 bills.

Add to that the ones I can see online (about 150 more) as well as the years of invoices I did not request AND the years prior to the 8 years I have access to. Add to that those he communicated with via text which are not accessible on our invoice. We are talking thousands of calls, probably hundreds and hundreds of visits. My H has probably been with at least 100 women, if not more.

I am, once again, SHOCKED at the number of times he researched, called and visited parlours. I found a few of these women on escort sites with very descriptive profiles. Others do mention only erotic massage, some I know are prostitutes by the type of phone number they have. (they use a low cost carrier). Many parlours have mattresses on the floor, not tables. I think I know what that means.

He had been seeing 3 of them regularly for 8 years, probably more. Others he saw for 2-3- years regularly then there are the one or two visit ones, not to his liking I guess.

I am requesting bills from as far back as the cell provider has on file which is 15 years.

I knew this started about 12 years ago but I really believed his story that it escalated to a regular activity only in the last 5 years.

Unfortunately I am positive I will be heartbroken once again when those bills come in. I am saving my confrontation for a later date. Compling a lovely binder to present him. In the meantime, I am squirreling money for a rainy day and for the first time, thinking that R is maybe not sitting well with me. I just don't know how I can ever digest this. He is doing the work and is remorseful but I know there is more and until he comes clean, he's not being honest. How can you be remorseful if you're not being honest?

Ladies, I feel for all of you and I'm so glad to be able to write to you because I know you understand.

I am so sorry for all of you and wish I could hug each and every one of you.

There are no words to describe what it's like to look across the room at the person you love and know that they have probably not wanted to be with you for years. That your life as you knew it is a lie, that everything you thought meant something really didn't.

He denies having full sex with any of the women he admits being with. In his sick mind, he probably figures that he's telling the truth. Those that I know about he did not have sex with. Those that I don't know about well, if I don't ask he doesn't tell.

That's how it works with him. I have to interrogate and ask the right question to get an honest answer. It's like pulling teeth.

I'm considering a polygraph.

Thanks again for listening.

I wish you all a peaceful weekend. I have to go to a holiday party with him now and pretend everything is good with the neighbours. ugh.

Rebplay, you were smarter than I am. My husband witheld sex and affection for at least 10 years, with an occasional once a year 10 minute poke just to keep me quiet I'm sure.

I NEVER suspected a thing outside of the marriage.

I'm glad you caught on or yours could have gone on forever as mine did.

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PregnantMom ( New Member #62438) posted at 9:23 AM on Monday, December 10th, 2018

So the 8th of August 2018 marked 1 year after D-day. Our marriage is going great except for our sex life. Not from my husband but from me. When we are intimate, I still have flashes of him sleeping with some random escort and then my mind wonders off, does he want me, want to be intimate with me because he loves me or does he only want to satisfy his urge like when he did with the escorts.

It still gross me out to see him naked and to imagine he had his penis in some random escort and then he wants to put it inside me.

I know I have to get over it, but how. How do I train my brain to black out those memories?

How do I admire my husband again?

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rebplay ( Member #59205) posted at 1:19 AM on Wednesday, December 12th, 2018

Shocked- I am truly sorry. Finding more information starts the agony wheel all over again. I don’t think any of them come completely clean with all the information. It’s part of the sordid life they were leading and of course don’t want us to know. I’m not smart, I just got lucky to catch it when I did. I knew something was off for longer so should have caught it a lot sooner. But I never dreamed what I was looking for. I checked his phone on DDay while he showered and he forgot to erase/hide a text and bam. If he hadn’t of left it, it may have been longer before discovery. He was getting more reckless though instead of careful. It’s crazy what our safe partners are capable of. I thought about staying versus going for three years solid. Only about then did I feel more on the side of staying than sitting in the middle. It’s tough. I catch myself being suspicious and checking things from time to time still. I hate the new me he created. I still don’t know if there’s any right answer to staying or leaving. They both are burdens.

Pregnantmom- you’re normal. I had mind movies bad and then bad thoughts like yours. I was grossed out by my h. I never had a problem climaxing before infidelity but couldn’t with my h for literally years after DDay. Honestly I just started being able to enjoy it some and not be so disgusted after three years ish. I know that’s a long time but it took that long. Sex after infidelity was a major issue for me. It was awful. I’m truly sorry. I tried thinking about and telling myself to stay in the moment, don’t think It helped the bad thoughts but took so much concentration I lost interest but could tolerate it at least. It’s a long process. For some, it passed more quickly and I hope that’s the case for you.

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TexasBroken ( New Member #63433) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, December 12th, 2018

Just checking in. It's been 8 1/2 months since DDay and 2 months since I put him out. I started dating for "fun" and now that the fun is gone I've lost the desire to date. It's draining and mentally exhausting. I met someone with potential but the thought of trusting them is enough to send me running in the opposite direction. I can't even begin to think about introducing anyone to my baby..

I hope everyone is doing ok.

Me-35-BS
Him-33-Wayward Ex Fiancé
Met 9/2013
Engaged 7/2017
DD born 12/2017
Dday 1-3/31/18
Dday 2 4/3/18
May 2018- In Limbo
October 2018- The End

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id 8297148
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Clara1 ( New Member #69113) posted at 5:07 AM on Friday, December 14th, 2018

I’m new here, so apologies if I’m going about posting incorrectly. I do appreciate everyone who is sharing their stories and advice. Almost 3 months ago I learned that my H started going to massage parlors for ‘happy endings’ 2 1/2 years ago. I had never even heard of this before. A year into this behavior, he started having sex with one ‘masseuse’ (I think they are all prostitutes). He has spent a lot of money on her, claiming she was blackmailing him. Give me ‘fill in the blank’ or I tell your wife. He has taken her on several day trips, one day trips, the list goes on. I am completely devastated, heartbroken, angry, too many emotions to list. This seems so out of character for him. Has this happened to anyone else?

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2018
id 8298131
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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 12:34 PM on Friday, December 14th, 2018

Clara,

So sorry to I hear about you H’s habit and have an idea of how betrayed you feel.

My H had a good 13 year massage habit.

He saw 2-3 of them for an extended period (5-5 and 8) years.

The “relationship” angle of this is harder to accept than random drop ins to countless other anonymous prostitutes.

The idea that he spent so much time with another (paid) person certain ups the rejection level for me.

To answer your question, I do not think that my H ever saw these people socially. He preferred to come and go, excuses the pun.

However, he also enjoyed his habit in China and I have heard that men hire women there for entire days for company while traveling. It is entirely possible that he did that. I will never know.

As for your H and his little side dish, many men use the I’m going to tell your wife excuse. My father in law used it to justify why his A lasted 8 years!

I have read a lot on these pages but have not come across such a story of a massage person becoming what is essentially a girlfriend. I have definitely heard the I’m going to tell your wife excuse over and over.

Other more experienced members will ll come along with more wisdom. All I can tel you is I know how you are hurting. The thought of your H turning to other women is heartbreaking.

Add to that the money they spent for this!

You may also hear the following:

I didn’t think it was cheating

I wasn’t involved emotionally

I wanted more sex than you could give me

It relaxed me and made me a better husband and father

Everyone does it

It wasn’t that often, less than you think

It’s just a service contract between two people

It didn’t mean anything

It was 2-3 strokes after a massage

I was stressed

You talk too mich during sex, they just go about their business

I didn’t have to please them so it’s less work than at home

The kids were always home

Have we bonded? Similar talk from yours?

Keep posting. You are not alone.

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lisa78 ( New Member #69125) posted at 5:03 PM on Friday, December 14th, 2018

Husband had sex with a stripper!

Sorry this is so long.

I’m new here- wishing I wasn’t here at all. Here’s my story and at the end are some questions! In advanced I’d like to thank you for support and advice.

DDay- December 8, 2018

Background-

My EX husband cheated on me long term and got another woman pregnant. I divorced him.

My current husband is 48. I am 40.

Three months into our marriage I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. When I came home I needed to use his computer to send an email (I didn’t have a need for my own computer), so I logged on and found he had been on a dating/hook up website and he had sent messages to girls.

He had been messaging a lot with one. She wanted to get together for coffee but he told her he was looking for a one time thing (sex) and it didn’t want to hurt me but all he wanted was sex.

I was furious, we fought, we talked. He lied about it- he said he was just flirting and having fun on the computer late one night and he wouldn’t/couldn’t have gone through with it. That didn’t sit right with me so I went back to look and discovered he had messaged her at 9am. Which means he was clear eyed, it wasn’t night and he wasn’t bored cause the day just started.

He promised never again Blah Blah Blah... We got help, communicated, got over it.

In September 2016 I was away on a week long trip. My husband called me one night and said he was going to go out for a beer and if I would be ok if it was at a strip joint. I don’t have a problem with strip joints so I said sure. I asked him NOT to get a private/lap dance and he agreed.

I talked to him the next morning and asked how his night was. He said it was good. The strip joint was surprisingly good. He said he had two beers and went home. I asked him, “Did you get a lap dance or anything?”. He said no, that he promised me he wouldn’t so he didn’t.

Two years later In October 2018 it came out (reluctantly) that he indeed had a lap dance that night.

We had a conversation about it, I was not happy at all, I was furious actually because he crossed a boundary, he broke a promise and he lied.

I told him he has one last shot to tell me anything else because if more comes out I’m leaving. I said no more lies about anything. Even small things like if he has a cigarette!

But I have good gut instincts and something wasn’t sitting right with me. He seemed really stressed, distant and irritable.

So on December 8, 2018 I asked him what was going on and why he was acting the way he was? I said my gut was telling me there’s more and he better come out with it all. He broke down sobbing telling me he had sex with the stripper and he regretted it, regretted hurting me so badly and he was so sorry.

I am now trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it. I’ve had two husbands cheat on me. First one had a longer more emotional affair. The current one had a one time thing but it almost annoys me more because he ruined us for a woman he knew nothing about, someone he didn’t even know her real name, someone he couldn’t pick out of a lineup or say what she’s like.

We’ve talked a lot. It make matters worse we have family members (cousins) living with us right now so we have to talk quietly, we have to sleep in the same room because we don’t need them knowing our business.

We went to a therapist 2 days ago but that didn’t sit right with me. Right away the first thing she said was, “Well, you can’t keep beating him over the head with this. You’ll have to forgive which is a choice and then move on.” First, I haven’t even yelled at him yet, I haven’t called him names, I haven’t talked about it 24/7. So to say I can’t beat him with it... Umm, I have a right to talk about it and ask questions and demand information. And forgiveness- we aren’t even close to thinking about that.

Then the therapist starts talking to him about his childhood (we’ve seen her before just for maintenance check ups so she knows us) and almost like giving him an excuse for doing it because he says he doesn’t know why he did it. That there was nothing missing in our marriage, that we loved me...

Anyway, then the therapist gives up handouts of how to communicate well and how we can reconnect. Reconnect had touching- kisses, hugs, affection. She says, “This is better when it’s done naked so you feel close.”

I looked at her like she was crazy because I’m a long ways off from that.

And lastly, she said, “Well, the good thing is it wasn’t a long term emotional affair. It happened once and so that’s good.”

I thought, “Fuck you!” This hurts more for me because he ruined us over some gross hoebag that meant nothing. At least if she meant something then it’s more worth it for him to destroy us.

I feel absolutely betrayed too because from when he did it to now has been two years. I shared things with him, I did things with him based on us having trust. We had many conversations where I said I think we’re in the best place we’ve ever been and I trust him completely. He agreed!!!!

He knew what he did and he let me say those things, he let me be vulnerable and open and do things only because I trusted him.

I feel like the last two years have been a lie. A waste.

He’s been good about answering questions. He says he’s sorry but I think he’s sorry he was caught and that’s it. He says he’ll do whatever it takes to make it right and fix us. I have all this cell phone/email info so I can look through it if I need to.

I don’t know what to do.

First, does this therapist sound crazy to you? Talking about getting naked, that this early she’s talking about his childhood and how it’s affected him, forgiveness???? Shouldn’t we be more focused on getting all the info, making sure all my questions are answered, making sure he understands why I feel like the last two years have been a lie, why I feel certain ways, etc?? Does it seem like she’s jumping ahead 6 steps?

Second, how do I let go the fact that I may not get the whole truth? After I came back from the trip I had to leave again for a week. I asked if he went back. He said no. How do I know that for sure? I’ll never know. How do I accept that?

Third, I have to travel across the country for a family thing. How do I leave him by himself? How?

Forth, he is upset. He says he feels awful and is devastated he hurt me so much. Says it hurts to look at me and see the pain he’s caused. Says he would never do it again because he couldn’t bare to do this to me again. Bullshit???? Once the dust settles, IF I stay what is the real consequence? What did he really lose if I stay?

Thanks for listening. I’m sick to my stomach, I’m numb, angry, sad, depressed.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8298363
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Clara1 ( New Member #69113) posted at 1:15 AM on Saturday, December 15th, 2018

Shocked123, thank you so much for your response. Reading the words ‘you are not alone’ meant so much to me. This is incredibly isolating. I just can’t be around or want to talk to many people. Like you, trying to figure out or understand the emotional connection is heartbreaking. From what I’ve heard and read, H is doing the ‘right’ things, truly remorseful, trying to do anything to R (I’m so undecided about that), etc. I go from anger to sadness to depression to wanting to be with him, a range of emotions that make me feel like I’m going crazy. We didn’t deserve this nightmare. Apologies if my questions are too personal, but have you reconciled and did your H go beyond the ‘massage’? Thanks again, the support is much appreciated. Hope you are doing ok.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2018
id 8298677
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Shocked123 ( Member #63617) posted at 1:04 PM on Saturday, December 15th, 2018

Lisa78,

I read your post and want to scream alonside you. I kow exactly how you feel and completely understand your frustration.

To make this short(sort of!) , here is my advice on your 4 questions:

1) your therapist sounds awful. Make it a condition of any possible reconciliation that you change immediately. Meet them individually until you find a fit for yourself. Additionally, remember that he's the cheater and he should be in individual therapy to figure out what's wrong with him, not what's wrong with your marriage. This is on him, don't forget that...

2) As for the truth well, I hate to say it but I will. There is usually more; you are probanly getting but a small percentage of what he actually did. There is a remote chance that this was his only enounter but from what I have read here, it is rare. For exmaple, my H admitted to a 1 year habit, then it turned to 2,5, 10 and now 12 years. I went from 3-4 times a year to what was acutaly once a week. It went from I barely knew them to finding out he had seen 3 of them for 5-8 years reguarly. Get the picture. It's called TT (tickle truth) and a lot of them do it because they can't face breaking your heart in one full sweep. They also think you will accept the first story and move on. It's a common tactic and you should be aware of it at all times.

2b) Dig for information. Get his cell phone records, look at this location history on his phone, find deleted e-mails, put a tracker on his phone etc. If you can do some of this without his knowledge, even better. You will probably find out more.

Some resort to Polygraph which is a more direct approach. I bet he will call your bluff and say he'll do it. Apparenly as the date apporached, many will confess to more. I have not gone that route just yet.

3) If you need to go away for a week, then go. Nothing you do now will stop him from doing what he wants to do. What stopped him then? Nothing! So what's the difference now? You cannot control his actions and need to live your life.

Just go. Let him be alone. Maybe he will show you he's not to be trusted, maybe he will show you he wants to be trusted. That will be up to him. Don't trust him but don't let his possible continued infidelity control your life.

4) They are always upset when you find out. Rare is a H who will get caught and say "im glad I did it, gald I hurt you, now here is your half of everything, tell your friends and family what an idiot I was".... Of course he wants to go down as the most remorseful spouse ever. The thing is, where was his remorse and confession after he did this a few years ago? By not being forthcoming, he witheld a part of his life that affected you. This now makes you suspicious that there is more.

I completely understand the sense of betrayal you feel when you look back on the last two years. Nothing seems real. It's like it didn't mean anything, Imagine now that he knew exactly what he had done and continued to live his life as though nothing had happened. Contiune to imagine that he may have done it time and time again and still, you would not have known.

I don't mean to make you sad, or paranoid, just trying to protect you because I have a very low threshold for trust and I truly believe that liars always have more deceit and lies than they are admitting to.

Please get tested for STD's. I know that is an awful thing to consider but should absolutely be a condition of any possible talk about reconciliation.

Change therapist. Nobody should ever tell anyone to get naked. That's absurd.

She is trying to fix the wrong person and the wrong problem. Your issue is not a sexual one, it is one of a man who is broken enough to think it is ok to pay someone for sex, lie about it, break your marriage vows and crush your trust.

Getting naked to hug is not going to fix that; it is laughable!

There are many people on this forum who have helped me through the darkest days. Everyone has a different style of communicating, some with more experience and some fresh off the hearbreak boat. All have everyone else's healing at heart.

You have come to the best place possible for empathy and guidance. I hope others answer you with more advice because there are so many who have walked in your shoes.

For the time being, trust your gut, don't settle and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't feel comfortable doing.

Do not make any major decisions right now.

Keep us posted. Good luck.

posts: 339   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2018
id 8298903
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