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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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kaygem posted 9/18/2018 00:14 AM

Thanks Marj, it did start to pass late this evening. It's so weird, isn't it? I chalk it up to brain injury.

Yes, my H is pretty good with remorse and consistency. I wish that would magically take away the pain of what he did formerly, but it doesn't.

I feel thankful for NOW but still so much pain over THEN. I keep wondering how he ever got so cold hearted, so indifferent, so...not him.

Thanks for encouraging me!

rebplay posted 9/18/2018 20:26 PM

So sorry, let me clarify- I meant that HEíS being defensive about the phone ďsaid to meĒ Iím not trustworthy. Heís action read untrustworthy to me. Does that make sense? He didnít say it, his action said that about him. Iíd have hit him with the iron skillet like Marji mentioned if he said that to me :). I totally plan on making him listen to the two part video Marji told me about BUT right now Iím still irritated with him. Iím being polite but avoiding him to a degree.

Kaygem- obviously thereís meltdowns that come up from time to time even after a couple years and longer! They get further apart and can be less intense or intense but recovery is quicker down the road. Youíre still being ďnormalĒ to have relapses. I really hope youíre feeling a little better and youíre handling your company ok.

IM- I agree! I prefer direct, open and honest. Sadly I sincerely thought my h was and could tell me things that would prevent infidelity. I was totally wrong! I understand the gross factor with sex. We had a very short hb and then I was grossed out for a looonnnggg time, like over two years. I tried to have sec and did but couldnít enjoy it. This summer I had one nice sexual experience with my h. I felt better and enjoyed it like I hadnít in long time. Now my trust bucket was emptied and the thought of sex makes me want to puke again. So I get your feelings. Sadly Iím the one who craves it more between me and my h so I miss it. I thought it was good before infidelity. I can understand whyíd itíd get old to have to initiate every time. Iím really sorry. Itís sad how our perspectives change and we didnít realize certain things from the beginning. Oh and thereís no TMI on this thread. Speak freely and openly.

Marji- I agree my h is complacent and I think he needs reminded he canít slack off. I left that off earlier and just remembered.

Youíll are all so kind and helpful.

[This message edited by rebplay at 8:38 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

theakronborg posted 9/18/2018 22:12 PM

Hi All
Reb - yes, I am still struggling, but its off and on. And it has been a surprise to me. It's more a feeling of wanting to shake XWH and say "look what you did" . I want to explain to him all the things he did to make our M die, and all the things he didn't do to help us heal. But he didn't get it during the M, and he won't get it now. It's like that old saying - I'm beating my head against a wall and expecting him to get a headache. Most of the time I am doing fine.

Sorry - I can't remember who wrote this, but if your WH is thinking you should be over this, he doesn't get to decide that. I think there is a point where acceptance and/or forgiveness come full circle and there has to be a certain peace to make R work. But what do I know? I didn't get there. I do feel like I've forgive him for the EI, and I thought I'd forgiven him for the other marriage stuff. but maybe not. Still a work in progress.

Yep- I'm dating. Still with the same guy as in November. I really just started looking on a lark, didn't expect to find a relationship. But we are a natural fit. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is thoughtful, kind and empathetic.

Wishing everyone a great rest of the week!

rebplay posted 9/20/2018 06:05 AM

Thea- Iím so happy you have someone to share life with! You deserve it. Thanks for giving more feedback about your processing after S. Thereís just no easy road either way.

marji posted 9/21/2018 17:42 PM

Thea how great that you are so enjoying your new relationship--thoughtful, kind and empathetic, omg, that's fantastic. And so what you so totally deserve. Thank you for sharing on that happy note.

Noel80 posted 10/2/2018 20:00 PM

Hmm I canít remember if Iíve posted here but have been lurking for maybe 1-2years and feel like I maybe did? Anyway Iím 4 years out from d day and with small kids donít often find time to check in. But, August and September have a lot of bad dates and Iíve been struggling. Again. I canít seem to get past the feeling of it all being so unfair and just feeling pretty disgusted by him, even though weíre still together. I mean we get along great as friends and co parents now- that has all really turned around and is the area Iíve seen him change so much in the past 4 years.

But it just feels like I am settling for a life where Iíll never have a connection deeper than this. I am a stronnngg feeler, too empathetic and deep feeling sometimes and he could not be more oppposite. Iíve see. A lot of you post about AS and other diagnoses across the spectrum. I donít think weíre dealig with that, more a man that was once a boy with parents that squashed every feeling and emotion. I think Iíve finally realized heís just not really that capable of anything.

I feel tempted almost weekly to just leave. But, I have very young children and survived my parents horribly messy divorce and aftermath. I swore Iíd never do that to my kids. Minus the emotional connection, and often wishing I could just punch him in the face (those are the nights I send him to the guest room so I donít have to see his face) , things are pretty good. Heís a great father, equal partner in the household, and generally shares a lot of common interests. Sigh, it just feels so boring and lifeless and depressing, but I feel stuck since I just comply cannot out my kids through a divorce.

Noel80 posted 10/2/2018 20:06 PM

I should add - a big part of me struggling again is due to 2 new, but quickly close, friends confiding that their husbands cheated several times. One was the third time and now thereís alcohol issues too, and the other husband hid that he is gay for years until he finally decided to cheat to be ďtrue to himself.Ē It just brought me back to that feeling, finding out you never knew the person you thought you knew so well. Iím 4 years out, which means 6 or 7 more years until heís not been cheating more than he was cheating (10ish years). I guess thatís assuming he doesnít for that long...

Anyway what is wrong with all these men? I mean at least I can share alll Iíve learned from therapy and reading and here, but really really wish these women werenít in need of that advice.

rebplay posted 10/7/2018 06:41 AM

Noel80- Iím in the same place. 3 1/2 years out we are doing really good functionally, he contributes, good dad, helpful. But like you, Iím missing a deeper connection. I feel lonely off and on. I donít fully trust my h anymore and never will. I desire sex and touch but struggle with being repulsed by his infidelity although itís better than it was just recently shifting. But I also donít want nothing compared with a good functional life and a dad being fully in the picture. I still feel like itís not fair either that they get to stay in spite of what they did. I also donít think I could be trusting in a new relationship either after the person I thought could never do this kinda thing did. Anyway, I hear you and understand.

Noel80 posted 10/7/2018 20:10 PM

Reb- itís like you read my mind. Thank you!

Do you ever feel like youíre just half living since youíre staying? I feel like I am settling for so much less than I need or deserve. But then again Iím the same about not being able to trust anyone else new. Divorce just brings a different set of problems.

I often hate him for putting my in a no win situation and not trying to make it better than just functional. Ugh I am just so jaded about most things mesides my kids and never was this way before.

thatbpguy posted 10/7/2018 21:49 PM

I feel tempted almost weekly to just leave. But, I have very young children and survived my parents horribly messy divorce and aftermath. I swore Iíd never do that to my kids. Minus the emotional connection, and often wishing I could just punch him in the face (those are the nights I send him to the guest room so I donít have to see his face) , things are pretty good. Heís a great father, equal partner in the household, and generally shares a lot of common interests. Sigh, it just feels so boring and lifeless and depressing, but I feel stuck since I just comply cannot out my kids through a divorce.

Some people just have to agree to not live together. If you and he can work together on parenting and not letting any bitterness slip to the kids it can work out. Besides, kids have a way of knowing when mom & dad don;t love each other and that can be equally dangerous.

Sadismynewname posted 10/9/2018 15:47 PM

A while ago Marji suggested I post here and I recently reread her message and it reminded me. Today I had a horrible experience! I decided to have a pedicure and maybe get some relief from anxiety feelings. Oh my gosh what a the odds in this rural area I would have to sit next to a young Vietnamese woman making fun of her old wrinkly 71 year old husband and his old fat xwife? We have a very SMALL Asian population here! I alternated between wanting to cry and wanting to slap her across the face! She was the person doing the pedicure and when she left for a few minutes the person doing mine said the Vietnamese girl always talks about how she married him to get to the USA. I canít help but think that could have been me!

rebplay posted 10/10/2018 11:22 AM

Noel- same here- I never was this way before. I hate that heís changed who I am. Now Iím suspicious and always have one eye open. Itís like you canít ever let your guard completely down. And yes I feel like Iím settling. But Iím not the kind of person that can just find someone quickly. Iíd want something great and couldnít settle for less. So I donít know if Iíd ďwinĒ looking for a love connection again. Know what I mean?

That guy- true kids can probably tell things arenít all the way right. Thereís no easy answer.

Sad- Iím so sorry for your awful trigger! Do you want to share more of your story?

Sadismynewname posted 10/11/2018 18:56 PM

Reb I had it on my profile page so assumed everyone would read my story there sorry. I just will copy and paste it here. I encouraged my husband of 35 years to go back to Vietnam with his marine bodies to heal. When he came home last year he said how wonderful it was. About midyear he said you like to travel why donít I send you to this country and Iíll go back for the 50th reunion of this particular battle that he and his buddies have been through.
Well this year I noticed I wasnít getting pictures and texts like I had been last year. He had mentioned one time in January when we were talking about women in impoverished Third World countries how difficult they had it. he mentioned that this one girl had told him that she had two jobs and she could barely support herself. I asked how did you know that and he said oh I donít know maybe maybe she emailed me or something like that. How did she know your address and he goes oh she probably got it off my credit card. Really because youíre very suspicious of that kind of stuff and I donít think you would have been in contact with somebody who found out information that way.
At the beginning of April when he got back I asked what was going on I didnít hear from your whole lot this time. And he says well you know I havenít been happy for a couple years now. You bring so much drama into my life. So of course Iím devastated and crying, bawling tell everybody. Then I decide to look at his pictures. Nothing at all with other Marines or any reunion. So at 1:30 in the morning I go oh let me look at your phone. Then I start seeing this name Moon and saying Iíll be so happy to see Moon again. Whoís Moon? He saysó I have no idea who it is. Then I go back clear back to last year and there it isóMoon and I tried to exchange contact information but werenít able to could you get it for me please ..asking his piece of crap marine buddy.
By this time I am absolutely devastated my husband has never ever ever given me an all these years reason to believe he was a cheater quite the opposite. He had prostrate cancer many years ago and also a vasectomy so he has basically no feelings there the Dr explained. I never dreamed I was encouraging my husband to go where, I have now discovered, he is the prime target for young 20 year old Vietnamese women!
I get suspicious and then go through the itinerary and I discover the hotel that they just stayed in Saigon was right in the heart of the But Vein Street. And I also discovered thatís the most popular red light -whore district in Vietnam . The guy planning these trips-piece of crap-has been bringing Vietnam vets back to this region for nine years. Everybody vouched for his integrity and said oh this person that was planning to trips with just a great guy.

rebplay posted 10/11/2018 20:13 PM

Sad- wow Iím so sorry. You were trying to help your h and help him heal and then he turns it into something like that. Iím so sorry. Iím sure it was devastating. Thank you for sharing your story.

Sadismynewname posted 10/12/2018 14:50 PM

Thanks for your kind words Reb. Part of my devastation is my trying to be a loving caring wife was repaid to me by sh-ting on me! My 21 years of never expecting intimate expressions from him was repaid this way. I have been completely devastated. I have tried to get over my anger but the complete betrayal of my years of faithfulness was counted as nothing. He of course minimizes it all because he says there was never any romantic thing going on and that I believe because it would be embrassing to him to admit his condition as he told the MC. He said it was about the guys trying to out macho each other. In the mean time he has all but killed my feelings for him.

TexasBroken posted 10/12/2018 23:50 PM

The false reconciliation?
Don't know if this is what it called. I'm not sure I'll have the strength to type this out but I need the support. My DDay was 6 months ago. Since then he's moved out and back in. He went from sleeping on the couch to the bed. He begged daily for us to get into church together, which I did, he begged to get into couples therapy, which I did.
Over these months I never said we were back together but we often did things as if we were together. He swore up and down he'd never lie again. Said he was working on himself to be the best role model for our baby, it's so much guys.....
Church therapy, gps location, access to bank account....you name it, he was willing. I often had bad days of sadness and hurtful words. Recently he said I was so far gone he didn't think he'd ever get me back. Said he can tell I'd checked out. I was so afraid to trust him again guys, terrified to get comfortable again. I told him I was unable to forgive him and me going to therapy and church was to help me as well.
Today..............if I type this then it's real.......
I questioned him so much.....often asked why won't he just Leave....gave so many opportunities for him to just leave and do whatever he wants....
Today.....today the teacher of our baby's class pulls me to the side and tells me she thinks something is going on with my child's father and the school cook who is 20 years old. I tried to justify it thinking they were just taking it out of context....then she hands me the note that he wrote to the girl. Turns out, the girl was NOT interested and he misread her politeness for interest.

They have a strict "no personal relationships with parents" policy so she turned the note over.
I wanted to know more, wanted to make sure he couldn't lie his way outta this so I created a fake number and text him pretending to be her. Let me not forget to mention the number he had written down on this note WAS NOT HIS REAL NUMBER. He had downloaded a phone app.
I'm sorry, this is all I can type. Maybe tomorrow

[This message edited by TexasBroken at 12:02 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]

Shocked123 posted 10/13/2018 11:38 AM

My husband has been travelling to China to about 30 years. Admits to 10 years of erotic massages in Asia as well as back home. I know there is more, just as you probably know there is more to what he is telling you.
I don't see why he would be in touch with a Vietnamese prostitue post sexual encounter. This has probably evolved into an EA as well.
We have a daughter who is almost 21, my H was with women who were a little older than her. It's disgusting.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I understnand your heartache.

Sadismynewname posted 10/13/2018 13:47 PM

Texas--I am so sad for you and your baby! We have both been experiencing this living hell for about the same time. I can't imagine finding proof that he was still trying to lie and cheat more! I so understand the killing of feelings for someone you love so much. I have such feelings of being trapped in a nightmare that never ends. I am sure because of the baby you must feel that too. Who wants to raise a child without their father? I have adult children and they give me the guilt of a divorced parents scenio too believe it or not. I wish we were close I'd give you a hug and tell you are strong and can make it through this no matter what you choose to do.

Shocked--The person he actually was in contact with was a waitress across the street but through investigation she was once a hostess bar girl on bui vein. She knew her men well! She knew where the possibility of money was. He was doing other things on the street.

rebplay posted 10/13/2018 17:42 PM

Texas- oh my gosh. Another betrayal. Thereís no words. Thatís beyond terrible. Iím truly truly sorry. Iím glad they had the guts to tell you, but I know it feels like a train wreck. Iím sure youíre in shock. Let us know how you are.

TexasBroken posted 10/13/2018 19:34 PM

Reb, I'm honestly not ok. I'm taking this worse than the first DDay. I haven't slept more than one hour at a time, I've only eaten once today. Haven't combed my hair. It's like I know this is really the end.
There's nothing he can say to me. No apology would work. No amount of his crying will manipulate me. I gave him 6 months of my time and i could've been on my road to recovery.
This is not the man I was in love with. He stooped so low!! A prostitute, now a young girl where our daughter goes to school? What won't he do to kill my spirit? Hasn't he seen me hurt enough?! Why waste all that time and money in therapy?!
I'm literally sick!!
God, the holidays are around the corner. No opening presents with mom and dad on her birthday or Christmas. No thanksgiving traditions like we talked about.
I was honestly hoping he was a good man that man a very bad choice. No, he's not a good man. Not at all.

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