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Stayedforthekids, your post was able to put into words everything Im feeling and fear I will feel if I stay. Im glad Im not the only one who feels this way.

Thats what Im afraid of, going into R and just never being happy and being able to forgive. Everyone says with time things get better but I dont see how I can accept this. I believe in God and Im using him to help me and its the only thing keeping me sane.

I promised myself I would at least attempt at R so that way I can always look back and said I tried and have no regrets. But right now even moving back in would be torture, I am so conflicted but I know I will eventually have to if Im going to exhaust all options and leave no stone unturned.

Weve gone on a few date nights and as much as I hate to admit, when I put what she did aside and just live in the moment, everything is great and shes my wife again. I was initially sexually disgusted by her as well but I was shocked how easily I lost myself in her when she first initiated sex since Dday. My problem is always after we finish, thats when it all comes back and it really really hurts and sucks. Sex has been great but the high from it is short lived because I start to imagine how he did the same thing and enjoyed what only I shouldve been.

Ive always been more on leaving than staying but 19 years, my kids and my love for her make it difficult to walk away. Scary being alone and without her when ive been on this earth more with her than without her.

She wants me to come home because she feels us being together more, she can console and be available to me all the time when I start to get consumed by the pain and want to talk or ask questions. Its difficult being away cuz when shes not texting or calling me I assume she doesnt care. She also has to go to work and deals with the kids so I have more free time than her at the moment. She also says she wants to be affectionate with me and show me first hand how shes going to change.

Im torn and I still feel she is minimizing. The last 2 posts before urs have me second guess if shes lying about using protection tho she has been pretty sturn on that even going as far as saying she stopped to get condoms on 2 occassions so he wouldnt use the “I dont have any”.

If I have this right, she screwed another man for 3 years, over 1000 days. And did it with ease. Lying to you every day. That is not the kind of thing that a few “I’m sorry’s” and some decent sex is going to fix.

I bet she is pulling out all the stops in bed now. Nothing off limits on the new menu. Of course she wants you home. The better you lull you into a pussy coma. Keeping you distracted with sex is a form of rugsweeping on her part. A firewall of “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” combined with a few placed “Would you like a BJ?” Makes for an effective distraction.

She of course would not admit that. Instead it will be framed as trying to connect with you and help you heal.

Have you both been tested for STD’s?

Has she written a complete timeline?

Has that timeline been confirmed with a polygraph?

Before you decide on your road going forward, be it D or R, you need to know who and what you are dealing with.

You cannot make a good decision based on partial or false information.

You need the most complete picture possible.

Imo, you should stop letting her cloud your thinking with sex. Get emotional distance. Get more info. Then decide if you can R with someone who can do what she did, or if it’s a dealbreaker.

Condoms, even if used every time, do not provide a 100% barrier against STD's. Plus, there is foreplay, precum, oral sex, etc. You really do need to get tested, both of you, and you should not have sex until the results come back. It's a matter of physical safety.

In terms of whether to R or D, Stayedforthekids raises some valid points. The book recommended, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", is a short read, costs only about $10, and sets out a framework of things the WW must do to heal. It can be a good early checkpoint to see if she is worthy of attempting R.

Keep in in mind that if you are feeling the same "old comfortable" feelings with your WW, that should be an alarm. This "old wife" was a woman who would lie to your face for years and fuck another man repeatedly. She says it was only about a dozen times, but given the time frame it could have been a hundred times. You do not want that wife. That old marriage is poison.

Your WW needs to prove to you that she can turn herself into somebody new, somebody who won't lie, and she needs to show you that this is a person you would choose to marry if you had met her for the first time. You need to present it to her this way. "The WW I know is a liar and a cheat. I do not wish to go back to what we had, because what we had was a place where you lied and cheated. What are you doing to figure out your problems and fix them? And why should I ever trust you again? What are you doing to change yourself, to make yourself better, so that I can trust you?"

It's not enough for her to tell you how sorry she is and how she's disgusted by what she's done and she will never do it again. That is rug-sweeping. She needs to affirmatively fix herself. The R's that succeed that we read about here on SI, that is what happens.

Another way of phrasing it: if she is trying to get you to return home so you can get back to what you were, the answer should be "Hell no!" What you were was a couple with a lying wife, a wife who looked her husband in the face every day for 1000 days and lied outright to him. You would not choose to be married to that wife. Who would?

You need to make clear to her that for you to consider R at all, she needs to take steps to figure out what was broken in her that would enable that depth of profound dishonesty and disrespect, and she needs to explain to you (a) how she plans to fix it, and (b) why she is now somebody you should choose to be married to.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:57 AM, July 5th (Thursday)]

HURT...

You are only a couple of months out... Don't make a decision yet. Take care of yourself.

In the beginning I wrote in my journal several times per day. I worked out like a mad man. I wasn't sleeping anyway, so rather than lay in bed, I laced up the running shoes and hit the gym. Of-course, it was on my mind the entire time... that is why I loved running... I could exhaust both my mind and body... I beat the crap out of a heavy bag, I lifted weights, I rode my bike 40-60 miles a few times a week, I played on 2 different hockey teams..

Anyway... it was during this "alone" time that I wrote down a list of my demands. What I needed to even try to R.

I knew that if I chose to D... I would not reverse that decision... so I figured attempting R would be worth a shot.

In the beginning my plan was to leave after my youngest was done with High School (2.5 yrs out)... If things weren't better by then... I was gone....

A few months after I came up with that plan, I decided that I couldn't just say I wanted to work on R... I had to actually be all in... So that was what I did.

In the beginning it was all fake. Fake-it-till-you-make-it... I planned dates, I chatted with her non stop, I planned for our future.

After about 2 months of this... her head popped out of her ass... (you probably heard it, you just didn't know what it was )

3 months later, I was scheduling time with a lawyer...

7 months after that(today)... I honestly feel like we are going to be successful in R...

but I also know that the pendulum can (and probably will) swing the other way too... there are no guarantees... I could be divorced in 6 months... who knows???

ANYWAY......

I wasn't trying to thread jack you with this ramble... I was trying to give you a sense of how things change and how much time it took for me (YMMV)

So.., My advice, for what it's worth... don't decide anything.

Take your time, focus on YOU!

If you are like me... you aren't thinking straight at this point in time... so there would be no point in making a choice now...

I'm glad that I didn't choose at a couple of months out...

Hurt – I don’t want to influence you toward staying, separating or divorcing but I would like to caution you. Your WW stated

She also says she wants to be affectionate with me and show me first hand how shes going to change

but in your first post she also stated

it was just sexual, no emotions

. Is it possible that she is planning on using sex as a way to convince you to stay? If the intimacy between the two of you is not there then I believe it would be tough to rebuild a marriage on this alone. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Holy bleep!

I debated before responding - your story is almost identical to mine. In fact ice water running through my veins as I type this. I don't want to T/J nor have a trigger myself.

BUT - I wanted you to know you were heard. And by someone who's experience is so very similar.

You are getting good advice from others. You've come to a good place.

So I leave you with well wishes and good vibes.

You don't have to make any decision right now.

You do need to take care of yourself. That sounds pretty basic, but is so very important. Please make the effort.

Thanks for the continued advise everyone. Much appreciated.

Chaos, can you share more of your experience since its so close to mine? Did you R? D? Any regrets?

Short update, I'm in both IC and MC. My therapist noted that me being so isolated and alone is really taking a toll and thinks it may be a good idea to attempt to move back in for a few days just to see how thing function when we are more accessible to each other. Since I'm alone and consumed by this while she has more distractions at home and with the kids, I tend to let things fester in me for so long and they I blow up when I finally get in touch with her. MC therapist also agreed and thinks if nothing has been working at this point, its time to try something different.

I'm open to it since it will only be temporary and used as a gauge to see where I'm at and if I can even do it. I can also move back out if things arent working. I initially wanted to eventually move in to give this a chance but I felt it would've came later on down the line when I was fully committed to R. Right now I'm still on the fence and honestly leaning more towards leaving. My plan has always been to exhaust all options tho.

We talked about it today during MC but when I got home and we were supposed to discuss more unanswered questions I had about the affair, I started getting mind movies and just thinking of everything she did with him and the deceit. It really made me not want to move back to give this a try even tho I know it doesn't mean we are starting R or that I forgive her.

I'm afraid I will never be able to move on from this. everyone says its too fresh but this is really difficult. It feels like one of those things theres no coming back from especially since it was a LTA. She still says the physical contact was minimal but even if thats true, its still a long time.

I already told her I plan to do a poly. I thought polys gave u a good amount of questions but they limit it just a few questions (4-6). Anybody have experience w/ polys? The guy im planning to use charges more than the others I come up in google but hes certified and spends an hour doing pre interview to determine definitions and get a clear understanding of what we want to know.

any input would be helpful. I'm really thinking taking her back after a 3 year LTA is too much but I factor in the physical contact maybe that of a 6-8 month affair. She was always sexually active with me throughout and our schedules didnt leave much wiggle room. I plan to ask about the meet ups in the poly as one of the questions.

also need advice on being able to track down OMs SO. they arent married but have kids and are supposedly engaged. since they arent married I dont have a last name, only he first. my wife had tried to track her down herself and was unable to since she wasn't on social media and didnt know her last name to try to find her on facebook. I know where he works but dont have much else to go but his phone number. dont have an address.

In terms of finding the name of his fiance/baby mama, if they are actually engaged, it is possible they filed for a marriage license. In some states these are public record at the county.

Searching through his social media might work. Your wife must be Facebook or Insta friends with him. He must have some posts with her in them.

Or you could hire a PI to follow him. He must meet up with her from time to time.

You sound really conflicted about moving back in with your wife. I think that's wise. I would personally wait until you had the timeline and the poly results and then weigh your options.

MC right now is worse than a waste of time and money. In my experience, unless your WW has figured out at least some of her issues, MC will do a ton of damage to you.

IC is great though. Don't just sit around and wallow in self pity. Do something. Take up a martial art, go to the gym, join a softball team, buy a motorcycle, go to meetups anything to engage your mind and body.

I promise that I will share. Please be patient with me.

Such a virtually identical story (it was uncanny) combined with this week being my 1st DDay antiversary has me taking a dip in the roller coaster. This happens to us all - know that. This is a roller coaster from Hell. I’ll be back to my BASGU (bad a** sparkly goddess unicorn) status soon and will be back to you. But I’ll give you the respect of not sharing when I’m in a roller coaster dip. There is a LTA thread somewhere. Interesting reading when you are in the right frame of mind.

In the meantime - breathe. Focus on your self care and your kids. Go to IC and get a lot of the ugly out there.

MC - id wait. Things are too new fresh and raw. Poly - do it but think it through. Take the time to formulate your questions and concerns. Don’t spend the money on knee jerk reaction questions - take the time to really figure out that you want those questions to be. Write down the backstory for the poly dude - edit often. Make sure he has the big picture. Write down all the potential questions and ways to phrase them. He can help you best figure it out from there.

Don’t rush to make any decisions. This is on YOUR time now.

PS - and hoping this doesn’t violate any rules - but reading through more of your responses - fear not. I am not the OBS in this case. Just a very similar story with very similar timeline, communication techniques, scenarios. Sadly - so many of them are.

Breathe. You got this. You will survive. And will thrive again.

The infidelity i experienced decades ago was pre marriage. But I often thought that if i had a cheating spouse whose affair was more than just a ONS I would have to file for D and go through with it, even if I hoped to someday R.

The reasoning is, they killed the M. There’s really nothing left of it after betraying your spouse so awfully.

So why try to make it work using tape, glue and spit?

If, after D, both the BS and WS work hard in IC to get through this awful experience, reinvent themselves and want to try and build something different and new, then more power to them. I’m actually pro-R in that way.

The WS would need to become the pursuer in this case and follow the lead of the BS, but that could be months or years after the D is finalized. And of course it’s never a sure thing.

But it’s my opinion that without the ramifications for the relationship killing actions taken by the WS in the A, there can’t be any real feeling of consequence felt and will hinder the BS, especially one who feels that any betrayal is a deal breaker.

Just my thought on your situation. Use here what you need and throw away the rest.

Good luck.

Epilogue: you’d have to let her know that you’d perhaps be willing to explore a relationship of some sort after a period of separation after D if she was interested. But if your WS was not up for R after D, then you know she wasn’t who you thought she was anyway and can move on.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:15 PM, July 7th (Saturday)]

Kick her to the curb with no remorse!

Why would you make yourself suffer any more than you need to.

Hi there. Back as promised. Thank you for your patience.

My bio gives the reader’s digest overview and A discovery by my teen. Complete with photos and videos (some quasi pornographic) and all the txts/messages. She took and I have screenshots of many.

WH also had a 3 year LTA. It was also someone he had gone to school with. Also their meetings were infrequent and sporadic (~10 times) yet also txt/called almost all day every day. AP also has three children.

My WH was also very very defensive. That has lessened once his fog lifted. However, immediate defensive is also part of his personality. But yes – what you describe is what I lived. Constant say anything defensiveness.

Your WS acts in actions and phraseology the exact same way mine did at 2 months post DDay. Some of what your WS told you is eerily familiar to what mine told me. Almost identical sentences.

Reading your story and my impending 1st year Antiversary had me in a very low on the roller coaster. So many key points of your story were too eerily familiar to mine.

You asked about R & D and if I regret that decision. We are attempting R for a variety of reasons. I too feel I need to make this attempt and exhaust all options. I have no idea yet if I regret that decision. What I do regret is that my life has brought me to a place where I have to make that decision. What I regret is my knight in shining armor for ~25 years turned my life into a nightmare. I could go on, but I’m sure you already know. I am also afraid I will never recover. I also have mind movies – mine actually include some actual photos/videos.

I know some of my details are still somewhat generic. Perhaps more generic than you were hoping. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on any.

How are you doing?

Just my take Hurt ? It is too soon for you to move back in. I think if you are to do that she has to provide you with something more to work with.

Did she send a NC letter ?

I also think that MC right now is going to be a waste of time. IC for both of you certainly, but you've got a lot of moving parts and you need process those without your W trying to influence that process.

Have you spoken with an attorney ? Not to file, but just to get information on what a D might look like >? Most will do a free consultation.

Have you been tested for STDs ? Has your done the same ? No matter what her story is I think you need her to do that to prove to you are safe ?

She isn't at a remorseful stage yet. She regrets being caught. Remorse will come and JMHO MC until she gets to that stage is pointless. You aren't in a position right now to talk about communication, etc. You need your own head on straight first.

She needs to go to IC to figure out why she has this character deficit that allowed her to make this choice. She knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. Why ? Any answer that doesn't point to her directly is wrong. It was not you, it was not OM, It was not life. It was her and something inside her gave her permission to do this.

Further this is not a single thing to apologize for. It is in the hundreds. don't allow her to apologize for them all together. They are deserve their own time, space and apology.

What could she do to make moving back home comfortable ? Separate Bedrooms ? Alternating schedules with the kids ?

Hang in there. Keep posting.

Hurt, how are you doing. Did you ever find the POSOM's betrayed wife/girlfriend?

I agree with others that it's too early to decide R or D. You should make clear to your WW that D is still 100% on the table.

A start would be for the two of you to read the "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" book.

Also, have your WW create a detailed written timeline of the A, including all of the "dirty details". It sounds like you have many of these details already, but creating a timeline is often a good way to jog her memory about added physical encounters, etc. You have the historical phone records and she should use each of those phone calls as a date in her timeline.

By the way, I don't know if you mentioned who AP was vis-a-vis WW. Former BF? A co-worker? Somebody she met on social media? Also, how far away did he live? What was her normal means of hooking up with him?

Has she told you why she did this?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:17 PM, July 16th (Monday)]

But ive been told the divorce route isnt any easier than trying to reconcile.

I've never read a single post - and I've read hundreds - where a BH had any regrets about his decision to divorce. Never - not in 20 years.

She has said from the beginning no emotions were involved, it was just sex.

It was just sex? How do feel about this. Are you a man for whom "sex is just sex"? The answer to that question should be a very, very important factor in your decision-making process.

She wants me to come home because she feels us being together more, she can console and be available to me all the time when I start to get consumed by the pain and want to talk or ask questions.

Planned or not, she wants to manipulate you - plain and simple. When you are not there her most powerful weapons - tears and sex - are worthless. The answer to your current agony is no contact. Other than strictly logistical information regarding the children - no contact...zero. It will be really tough at first but, after even a few days, you will notice yourself not thinking about her nearly as often. If you can make it a couple weeks without any unnecessary contact whatsoever you will understand exactly what "detachment" means. Your still not home free but you are in a much better place with regard to resisting her manipulation and making decisions that are right for you.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 2:06 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

I agree with everything Ichthus said.

I think it's almost insulting to say it was just sex, for three years you bet being able to compartmentalise the affair, she must have thrown her all into making the sex mean something.

You also cannot move on without the truth. 3 years and just sex means they probably did it more than 10 times. I mean come on, free sex on tap wouldn't you want to have it every chance you could get.

She's going to have to do some heavy lifting in order to help you move on from this, like I said, it's rather insulting to say I had good sex for 3 years but I choose you now let's move on.

You got to be worth so much more. So move in when you feel comfortable moving in, and maybe time to "fester" with your thoughts is good. No distractions and you get to filter out the b*llsh*t when she starts to speak because half of it will be lies and minimisation.

I know it’s been a while since you’ve posted. I want to bring up an important point. If you are a person who wants justice, please know you will never get justice. There is no consequence in R to show the wayward how deeply their sin cuts the betrayed spouse. Even in D, the consequence effects the children the most.

I am so sorry your wife did this to you and her children. It’s abosolutely horrible.

I didn’t see this brought up—do you plan on having your children DNA tested. You don’t mention your children’s ages.

Hi hurt. How are you doing?