SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like Chaos my WH had a LTA. Unlike Chaos I asked for a divorce. I couldnt get over the lies and double life he had. It was all a real deal breaker to me. He lied to my face every day for 2.5 years. He manipulated me, he gas-lit me, was a major cake eater... not a good person. Think of all the secret texts, desires, finding excuses to get away, normalizing lying, no guilt to quit, justifying their behavior in their head, thinking they will get away with it. They are so selfish and loved the attention the AP gave them. We will never know the full story — a lot of time has passed and a lot of details will never surface.

Do I regret my decision... not really. Do I miss him, yes. Do I second guess my decision, sometimes. I spent 17 years with him and we have a bond. As I told him before, I am never going to get over this. I may not be angry anymore, but he has changed in ways that are not acceptable to me and not what I seek out in a life partner. I basically said “ Fuck this shit” and Tying to rebuild my happily ever. As for the X. He is no longer with the AP and I am trying NC but coparenting makes that difficult.

At the place you are at now talking about it and keeping busy helps.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]

Can you accept the three year constant betrayal? My stbxw carried on a six month (at least) affair, and I knew there was no way I could continue in the marriage. I nuked her little fantasy world and moved on with my life. I'll never ever have to wonder why I stayed with a faithless wife. Plenty here on SI will advocate reconciliation. I and several others, both BH's and BW's, are anathema to them and their viewpoints.

Hurt,

If you get advice where the person is confident they did the right thing, question the person giving the advice...there is no such thing as confidence when it comes to betrayal. There is not a right answer, R or D. There is the answer that you can live with better, but either way will never erase the trauma. And either way, you may question if another decision would have been better or easier.

Don't let the fake bravado crowd talk you into D, don't guilt your way into R or false R.

Likely, your WW's A had nothing to do with you or your marriage. That is a hard concept to grapple with. Most men have to deal with the huge ego blow that this is. Some can't get over it. That's okay. You will have questions like was the OM better, bigger, smarter, whatever...did he have a bigger dick? It's not that...your WW is broken. Likely there is some level of mental illness to deal with, depression, anxiety, borderline personality, you name it someone on SI has dealt with it. But to be clear, her decision to cheat is all on her. So IC is a must for her.

You should look at IC to deal with your trauma and to help you get back to some level of mental health too. We all need it, no matter what anyone says. When you get healthier, and she does too, then MC may work. But it is likely too soon to diagnose issues in the marriage, because it wasn't about the marriage.

Learn from the experiences of people who have made it past the shock and have lived a few years with their decision to R or D. Many have great wisdom. I think you will find that they will likely not tell you to D or R, they will help guide you to healthy habits and boundaries that will allow you to make that decision for yourself and your family.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Hurt1147 at 7:02 AM, August 3rd (Friday)]

I had decided I would exhaust all options before making my decision as I dont want any regrets.

@Hurt...

First. Welcome and know there are all phases of reconciliation and marrital recovery here. Some are successful and some in struggle. And some on a rollercoaster of up and down.

Second. Look to the guys who are/were surviving/survived and what their situations look like. Because infidelity is brutal and this IS about survival.

We gals have things to contribute, but what you feel and how you respond may be different.

I like Captain Roger's early advice in this post. He seems to keep a cool head, but has been through a lot. I would follow what he said.

Last - I quoted this line from your first statement. Because THAT was exactly how I felt 5 years ago. I didn't want to run down one painful road, do all the work, look back, and realize I had not gone through all my options.

You are in the most painful part right now - coming out of the shock waves and trying to sort out reality while considering a future for you and your kids.

Give yourself the time and space to sort out what the landscape of your life is. Take the time to turn over the stones you have not looked under.

And what to watch for with your wife? Assess if your wife is taking two steps forward in actions toward a better marriage, for every one step she might take back from old habits she is trying to undo. Eventually she should be running forward with only a pause, break, stumble or occasional look back in her progress. That is how I would describe Mr. Uxor at this point (5 years out). It definitely was not at the start. It was very slow to start.

For me, like you, I had to know I had considered and learned about all of my options...and I had to see that Mr. Uxor was APPLYing what he was learning about being a better husband. (There was work and change for me to do too, but he had to create a safe foundation for me to do so, first. My stronger steps came later. ).

Finally. For us...the better marriage means that we are always working on it now.

I think all will agree here - you can't go back to what you were. You can only rebuild or let go.

To try to recreate the past is insanity.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 9:24 AM, August 3rd (Friday)]