SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read this archived post and really wanted to share it with everyone in R. I think it’s a realistic view of what we must go thru... Life is Crazy, thank you for his beautiful post.

The betrayal was so deep and so wide-ranging that it is still difficult for me to grasp. Often, usually while alone in my car, its scope would spin out my thoughts out of their moorings, trying desperately to find some context, some rationale that would give me clarity. How could I fight past all that had happened? How could I find a future in something that had destroyed my past?

But I did.

I fought off the demons and came to sound, rational conclusions. At the end of the day, it really IS only sex. The lies, the deceit, the callousness… it is all affair behavior. My wife, the woman who betrayed me, has recognized her internal demons and fought back – for me, for my kids and for our marriage. She has refused to allow her infidelity to define her, instead taking steps to ensure my security and my love. My wife has returned with a passion. And I have grown to understand the true meaning of acceptance.

But I’m not all the way back. Something is missing. Not the sex – that has returned with a ferocity that I haven’t felt since…. well, never. Not the kindness – the notes left in my bag, the flowers dropped at my office, the gentle touch of her hand on mine – are all acts of genuine love. Not the communication – we have found a way to speak about everything and anything: kids over wine on a sunny afternoon; our future at night while sharing a pillow; even the affair, a subject that is now fading into the distance behind us, can be discussed calmly and with consideration. But, for me, there is something tangibly absent.

What remains lost is that special something that we once shared. You see, I was always that odd guy with a connection, a soul mate one might say. There was something palpably unique about our relationship – a history together that bred a spiritual and familial bond. No matter what the problems, the security of that special something could sustain us.

But it didn’t. A love was found elsewhere that cleaved our uniqueness. Our love – while ongoing and true – has been shared. And it is that loss of uniqueness, the knowledge that her love could be found elsewhere, that perpetuates a bitter sting and a sad, gaping wound. The love of my life found love in another – and that doesn’t go away with communication, therapy, or kisses on the cheek. It is a blemish that remains, often concealed by laughter and conversation, but one that remains silent and lurking.

It is said that affair love isn’t REAL love. And maybe it isn’t. But long term affairs breed a sense of familiarity and interdependence that is hard to ignore – “marriage light” one might call it. The truth is that with each day, and year, my wife shared herself – our uniqueness gave way to commonality. Each new experience they discovered eroded our history.

It is true that a marriage can be rebuilt from the ashes and can be stronger and more meaningful that it once was. It can be - and ours is one. But it is not the same. What was once special is no longer so and no amount of remorse, time or love can recreate it. It is a new marriage that has stronger foundations, yes… but it is no longer special. It is a loss that makes me sad beyond explanation.

I hope you understand.

Thank you for sharing this .

… but it is no longer special. It is a loss that makes me sad beyond explanation.

Yes, this. It's where I am now - this ever-present awareness that it's not ever going to be special again - that the sacred is just ...gone, and that I was the only one of us to whom that mattered in the first place.

I agree that the same specialness doesn’t return. We had that too. But as we’ve all witnessed here at SI, many marriages can’t survive after infidelity. I feel that our survival is proof of our special bond. Yes we’ve lost the innocence, but we’ve gained a stronger bond. Our determination and commitment now is active and not passive. Before we were passively special because we thought nothing could break us apart so we just drifted along. It was comfortable but because we were passive, it left vulnerabilities. Now we are actively special. Nothing can break us apart. We aren’t drifting. We are swimming holding hands. The innocence is gone and I do miss it. But now we have greater awareness. I see “special couples” now and while they are “special”, they have vulnerabilities that I didn’t see before. I’ve lost innocence but gained clarity. I lost innocence but gained greater depth in our relationship. I’ve lost innocence but have been given a spouse who is now more dedicated than many others.

W3, I love that you two are stronger now. I don't have the same attitude towards this. I wish I did. My bond and strength came from trust. And that has been broken in the worst of ways. I guess maybe I'm still too resentful to see that far ahead...I need to post that thought and get some sound opinions here on SI.

Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly rly how I feel about my m right now.

We are in r. We are happy. We are happier than we have been in a very long time and the second is better but there will always be something missing.

Hit the nail in the head for me and brought me to tears as I read it.

It is sad and it is true.

Yes, this. It's where I am now - this ever-present awareness that it's not ever going to be special again - that the sacred is just ...gone, and that I was the only one of us to whom that mattered in the first place.

Yes BlueIris :-( exactly where I am sitting right now. Thanks for posting STBXH. This is prob the thing I am having the hardest time reconciling in my head.

[This message edited by Datura at 9:17 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]

...gone, and that I was the only one of us to whom that mattered in the first place

And yep, that is the worst part. That it was only special to me. Wh threw it away like yesterday’s garbage. Made me feel like yesterday’s garbage too

But it is not the same. What was once special is no longer so and no amount of remorse, time or love can recreate it. It is a new marriage that has stronger foundations, yes… but it is no longer special. It is a loss that makes me sad beyond explanation

.Nope, disagree. How can he possibly know what time can bring? You can only know that at that end of your time.

I refuse to take this fatalist view. Our marriage and our love is special. We fought tooth and nail to heal our marriage. It is fucking special to come back from the brink to reclaim our love for each other, to make sacrifices to heal our marriage, to be able to be happy with each other and for the marriage we have rebuilt. Naw, that is fucking special to me. I'm special, FWH is special our marriage is special.

I'm reminded of the physics construct: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction". And that's what happens with infidelity and frankly any trauma. The key after trauma is determining what the opposite reaction will be and how much it will impact us. For some after infidelity, it is long lasting anger. For others, it is long lasting lack of communication - permanent plane of lethal flatness.

On the other side are those that find a new way of existing, a deeper way to love, a more authentic relationship, and the ability to extract more meaning out of life.

I'm not sure yet if it is the exclusive special relations that I will have lost with my Mr. As LifeisCrazy states, the AP relationship wasn't real love so that's not the cost for me.

Right now in this part of my journey, it is much more about the fact that he could dismiss everyone's feelings so readily, could act in a way that was so damaging to others, and could be so selfish and self serving without a care. I've seen him go in and out of that mode during recovery and it is very scary but at the same time it reminds me that he can detach and escape reality in a way that is foreign to me and also irrespective of me or anyone else in his life. It's a burden for him to carry and resolve.

What was lost? Respect and unconditional love.

I'm looking forward to finding a new respect for him provided he can work through these issues and find a way to stop the detached mode from taking hold of him, just like I found respect for him when I initially fell in love with him after finding out how much he had overcome in his life. He has a determination like none other and maybe he'll find that again and give me a reason to respect him.

I don't think unconditional love will come back. There is a condition now.

W3IRZ

I’ve lost innocence but gained clarity. I lost innocence but gained greater depth in our relationship. I’ve lost innocence but have been given a spouse who is now more dedicated than many others.

All true, once we get beyond the anger and pain of it all, greater depth and clarity and dedication to one another allows for something worthy of seeing it through.

SMS

I refuse to take this fatalist view. Our marriage and our love is special. We fought tooth and nail to heal our marriage. It is fucking special to come back from the brink to reclaim our love for each other, to make sacrifices to heal our marriage, to be able to be happy with each other and for the marriage we have rebuilt. Naw, that is fucking special to me. I'm special, FWH is special our marriage is special.

Yes. I do understand some people get trapped in the moment of betrayal and wake up to focus on the wreck of what was, stay stuck in the past and are unable to see any (or very much) good in their choice to continue the marriage.

I refuse to settle for less than a relationship that includes joy, fun and a level of respect (rebuilding respect ain't easy at first either) worth my time.

For me, in my marriage, we are at last fighting for what we want, for what we need and fighting for each other and then appreciating each other for our ability to crush the odds and overcome a level of adversity neither of us expected to deal with.

ISSF:

What was lost? Respect and unconditional love.

To me, anyone truly trying to reconcile and rebuild, it takes some unconditional love to get there. If my focus is on what went wrong, not much of a chance to ever enjoy time looking at that pain everyday.

The happy innocence is gone for sure. I've grieved that and given it a proper send off with a solid 18-months of a depression anger spiral I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I just can't be in ANY relationship where I can't be vulnerable, show empathy and have a chance at pure joy each day. And I'm getting the same effort in return from my wife. Holding on to grudge or ancient baggage or any kind of withholding love doesn't work for me.

I would have to move on solo if I found myself trapped and anchored in the past from ANY relationship I have in life. I have no time for any additional misery from shitty choices my wife made.

Between abuse as a kid, six years in the Corps, years of football, and now surviving infidelity -- I'm covered in scars. My marriage is too, but it isn't dead or broken, just some brutal scar issue serving as a constant reminder of what not to do today or how not to hurt each other ever again.

Life is so quick, so short, my only option is to focus on the good that can happen today versus any of the horror show from the past.

OldWounds,

Hmmm, so maybe we have to qualify unconditional love. Here's the definition:

Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.

So maybe I'm using the wrong language. What I know now that I didn't before, is that he can do things that will make me divorce him. I didn't have that in my sights before infidelity. I really believed, deep down, that we'd be forever. Now I believe we will as long as we have honesty and authenticity and transparency. Lies, deceit, infidelity and the like will be deal breakers for me in the future. So what word characterizes it?

There are some conditions that will cause me to call it quits.

Sorry for the T/J.

I like this post, thanks for sharing. Though, I do disagree a bit, like Sistermilkshake.

I think perhaps that if I were healing from a LTA, I would feel the same, or if there were “love” to heal from, I would feel the same. I can’t say, but since the whys and the timeframe are different, I also feel different.

I agree, there is something lost, something I can’t yet describe, and it is terribly, terribly sad. But we have both gained so much from working so hard, that I wonder if this is simply the cost of such a gift.

I wonder on this...but can feel love returning with a vengeance these days. I hope to post a success story too one day, and revisit this thought.

There are some conditions that will cause me to call it quits.

Absolutely there are conditions, but it is interesting to me that we've allowed enough broken conditions that we could have easily justified walking away already. And that's what I mean by it takes some level of unconditional love to get us THIS far. Would there be this second or last chance without it?

If my wife destroys her last chance, I'm done -- because I absolutely, unconditionally love me. The character Fonzi on Happy Days, he is based on me, an unconditionally cool dude.

-- Edited for cool, yet poor grammar error.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:13 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]

Okay so maybe the reality is that I can love him unconditionally provided it doesn't interfere with unconditional love for me. Food for thought...thanks!

Okay so maybe the reality is that I can love him unconditionally provided it doesn't interfere with unconditional love for me. Food for thought...thanks!

I think so.

It always comes down to what you really want.

Would you WANT to be in a relationship where you feel like you have to hold something back in reserve?

I can't be in a situation where I have to compromise or withhold. If I couldn't let go of the horror show, I'd just start over or be happily single some place.

For ME...what was lost was blind trust. Someone posted that one day...and it fit for me. I would have bet my children's lives that my H would NEVER cheat on me...I was that confident...or blindly trusting.

When red flags started coming up in our M...I was looking for WHY...but I never looked at adultery...it was NOT that!!!! Once I found out it WAS...everything else fit.

Now that blind trust is gone...so MANY things have taken its place...WONDERFUL things . I do NOT miss the blind trust AT ALL. This innocence I thought our M had...it was blind trust. My H made a HORRIBLE choice...and he counted on my blind trust to keep me in the dark. I am no longer in the dark...I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT !!!

I DO trust my H again...but more importantly...I trust myself . He IS capable of cheating on me...but he isn't cheating anymore...and I TRUST that he will never cheat on me again. BUT...he KNOWS that I won't hesitate to search for EVERY why...including adultery...if I see red flags again. He is OK with that...and so am I .

This is interesting. Glad it was re-posted.

I think the one thing you can never get back is knowing the BS is no longer “special”.

It’s not the sex. It’s about the intimacy you share with your spouse. And knowing I was so easily replaceable during his A AND that he was dumping me - kicking me to the curb - for the OW just reinforces that.

If you asked my H now - he will tell you he views me as the special one in his life and he just made a bad choice. He had the “George Bailey” moment. But it was at the point he had already said he wanted a D.

Cannot be undone. Ever.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:35 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]