SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's only a short article on the topic in the Healing Library and I would like to know more. I'd like to hear from those who either are going or have gone through this phase.

I can't really describe what I'm feeling at this point because it feels like nothing, just as the name suggests, flatness. I still love him and probably always will, but since our arguments a few weeks ago I have hit some kind of wall. Or maybe one is going up IDK. Trust, respect, desire for him, have left the building. I rarely cry anymore. Maybe that well has run dry, at least for now because I doubt it's truly empty.

For those who have experienced this, I would appreciate some insight. Is this another step of detachment? Is it a break my mind and body are forcing upon me to take a break from the heartache? Does this pass and what direction has this pointed BS's in?

I think you are reaching more of detachment and indifference than "the plain". Maybe it is because I picture it more for couples that are really doing the work of R.

You reach a new normal. Your brrain and emotions are kinda on autopilot and you just live life. Sometimes it can be detrimental to R because you quit trying and are flat. But you fight your way through do kond things for each other and support the person who is flat until they aren't.

Just my take on it.

I can’t say that I’m an expert and could really explain it but I feel exactly like you do this week. I assume this is it. This is what they mean by it, that you’ve had so much shit and you’ve hit your limit. I know for me, I’m starting not to care at all. The trust, respect, desire for him have left for me too. I still love him, but I must say that even that is in short supply these days. Every day that I look at him while he lies to me and thinks about his own needs, I love him less. What a selfish, broken man.

I see this lethal plain of flatness as the beginning of the end for me. If things don’t change very soon then I feel like I’m done.

I hope you feel better soon.

MBB,

You have been faced with two painful options: a rock (difficult divorce, single parent) vs. a hard place (abusive H, yells at you, distances, breaks your heart) and you have overloaded on Stuckness. You can't move. The pain in either direction is so intense that you have started to detach your emotions, not feel anything for him knowing he's just going to do something that hurts you anyway.

It's a form of self-preservation.

I absolutely HATED the plof. I don't think my personality is built for it at all. I resorted to pranks as a way to inject SOMETHING into how I felt. Not suggesting that for your situation just idk. Its alot like being worked on at the dentist. Sure they injected a painful needle in your mouth to numb you, but what theyre doing still fucking hurts in a way and you cant wait for it to be over and shit... am I smelling my teeth being burnt??? Except that feeling lastedmonths and months. Its like going stir crazy in your mind.

But like most things it don't last forever. I came out the other side feeling like a walmart employee who quit after a black friday riot to take a job that pays you to get massages in a nitrous oxide filled bouncy house.

Which is why you should bedazzle your rear end. (Yeah... I figured I wasn't gonna convince you to go for the bedazzled groin.)

Feeling this too lately no matter how much I try I feel little emotion.

Sure I still get angry with the lies ,which continue but a lot of those raw feelings have gone .

Its not that im over it its just I can no longer feel the emotional side of it .

I dont mind the feeling Im making better choices . So for me whilst it feels Ive lost a lot of me during this someone else is emerging who is stronger .

Yes respect and desire have gone though for sure How can you have it for someone who betrayed you so badly .

I believe I am there too, I’ve been thru enough, I’ve just arrived at the place where I don’t care which way it goes anymore. I just want to get it over with.

Have you ever driven across Kansas?

Surviving infidelity is exhausting--mentally, physically, spiritually, and everythingelsely. I think I hit a few of those PoLFs and I enjoyed every moment of it. I needed the rest.

Give yourself time to just chill and be, if that's what you need. It's not really lethal, btw. It just feels that way. It'll pass.

You have been faced with two painful options: a rock (difficult divorce, single parent) vs. a hard place (abusive H, yells at you, distances, breaks your heart) and you have overloaded on Stuckness. You can't move. The pain in either direction is so intense that you have started to detach your emotions, not feel anything for him knowing he's just going to do something that hurts you anyway.

It's a form of self-preservation.

OwningItNow,

I think you nailed it. It's not even about whether he does anything that hurts me, as I'm well aware that his behavior comes in waves and can change on a dime. But don't get me wrong, I am not totally devoid of all emotion. Should he stray again I would be further devastated because I'm not completely shut off emotionally. Yes I am very much between a rock and a hard place.

I'm also realizing he can't win. Meaning no matter what he does it will never repair the damage done. With trust gone I give everything a hard side eye and take everything with a grain of salt. If he's nice I wonder why. If he's nasty I think it's because he's up to something. If he has his phone in his pocket I'm suspicious. If he leaves it laying around I wonder if it's a ruse. He could be the model WS, doing everything right, and everything in his power to make me believe in him and our marriage again and I don't think it would make a difference. The betrayal has simply been too massive.

Considering my long held strong attraction to him and now to find myself lacking desire for him is a new thing for me. Again there's just a feeling of nothingness. Not that my libido has plummeted, it's just not being sparked by him.

I can listen to him talk about his day, his interests, his job. I can sit and watch a movie or a show with him, play cards, whatever. Even still laugh at his sense of humor which believe it or not he does have. Hang out basically. But it's almost robotic right now and there's a part of me that has for now at least, shut down.

I wonder if your heart is catching up to your mind? You know (in your mind) how your H is/was - you state that side of him often in your posts.

You've also wrestled (in your heart) with your love for him and what he did to you. Perhaps you've reached a point where both your mind and heart are in the same place?

I haven't yet experienced the POLF and I fear when/if that time arrives for me. IMO, if I reach that point it means that maybe R wasn't the best decision after all - but that's just me.

I think you've reached your limit of what you can take from H. Maybe your mind and heart have had enough for now and that part of you is shutting down. Maybe you've resigned yourself to the fact that nothing is going to change with your H. Maybe you've reconciled with yourself and that's all that matters.

As always ((MBB))...

For me the POLF meant I felt nothing and didn't care. I could take him or leave him. As you say MBB, you know you love him but so what?

I think it is part of our healing process. If we can get ourselves to this "I don't care" stage, then we can get out of trauma mode and move onto a mode that allows us to see things more objectively. That said, if we reach the POLF and our WS's are not remorseful, then it is very easy to go our separate ways.

For me this didn't last forever but it was real and I totally knew it. I took this time to start looking at me, to start coming back to life instead of just trying to get through the day, to stop the minute by minute processing of emotions and to assess what I wanted and needed. Eventually the spark started to come back.

Now I think I'm still on somewhat of the POLF roller coaster rather than the depression roller coaster. Nothing lasts that long anymore but it is the year 2 blues of reality that hit me now. And that reality was brought about by the POLF where I can see and understand the real me, the real him, and our real M past and present.

Maybe MBB you are at this point?

Me again . I'll punctuate this time !!

I feel we cannot keep feeling the awful pain that comes with betrayal forever, that eventually our bodies defense systems kick in .

I think that detaching, realising,assessing, the POLF whichever you wish to call it is a way of dealing with the enormity of it all . Its a time of realising you cant change a person especially if they arent doing the work .

Like you MBB I can watch tv,shop, laugh , do all the day to day things .I can even listen to the TT and lies but it leaves me flat . No longer the searing pain or emotions... just a big yeah whatever!

I think maybe what is disconcerting for us is not knowing what you will feel when you come out the other side of the POLF, its like being in limbo. You dont feel your moving forward and you sure as hell aint going back .

[This message edited by Sadlymistaken at 4:15 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Nothing lasts that long anymore but it is the year 2 blues of reality that hit me now. And that reality was brought about by the POLF where I can see and understand the real me, the real him, and our real M past and present.

Maybe MBB you are at this point?

I am looking at all the above angles. I view nothing the same, not even myself. My flaws as far as self esteem, not speaking up for myself etc. are all being looked at by myself. Why? How? Why had I been so passive for so long?

He's in a completely different light to me now. Sometimes I just can't be around him. I don't say as much but I'll either go out or retreat to my room and watch some tv or read.

My marriage is really under the microscope now. The delusional way I had to be thinking to not have confronted about behaviors or things said, things found, that ANYONE with any sense would have demanded immediate answers to. It's why I speak up now. I've had quite enough of being his whipping post, his doormat, his reason for everything wrong in his life. Those days are over and in a way thank God for that.

My overall feeling right now is best described as meh. Whatever. I'm so damn tired, and if this is a break from hell, I welcome it.

It's also though fearing he will relapse it's also knowing he will lose half of everything and the only family he has which is me, my kids, and my tiny family. His may as well be nonexistent. He'll be completely on his own and though he likes to perpetuate this tough attutude, losing all family would have to have an effect. Even my two cats will stay will me. He proved he's well adept at finding new pussy so he can adopt his own cats should we end.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 5:30 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]

I think maybe what is disconcerting for us is not knowing what you will feel when you come out the other side of the POLF, its like being in limbo. You dont feel your moving forward and you sure as hell aint going back .

It IS being in limbo. Despite being told by everyone how great I'm doing, even my shrink who thinks I'm doing amazing progress, I don't feel it as much as they see it. Going back? Never. His days of tyranny are over, and if he wants that kind of marriage he needs to find himself another fool. This one has wised and continues to wise up.

I think this stage of detachment that you are feeling is called the "Plain of Lethal Flatness" in terms of R. If people are trying to R, this stage can be "lethal" to R because one partner has detached, whether it's just to heal or take a break from the pain.

But, from what you are describing, it's more than POLF. You are starting to detach and are able to look at the whole situation more objectively which is a great thing.

Just ride it out. It's a time for taking a break from all the pain and to reflect.

I think you have described how I am feeling lately. Still love and am committed but the disgusting EA at the least has taken its toll. I mean how long can you do this shit without going insane??? And I'm not even in R cause that would actually require admission, remorse, transparency, etc...all of which I have none!!! Egomaniac asshat

Going back? Never.

We all get that. Reconcile, divorce, limbo--there is no going back to how it used to be. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't unring that bell."

That's a good thing.

I don't know what will happen with my H. Nobody is cheating and we're both still here, but it's far from perfect. Am I still happier? Yep. I'll take the honesty, the owning it, the truth over any of what we lived before.

It will be new and different.

But that does not mean it will be worse.

I had a month long stretch and honestly, I think I am back there now. I talked about it in length during IC.

It’s when you don’t have the energy to care one way or the next. The “test” I give myself is to do the whole run down of the night it all happened in my head....and I have very very little emotional reaction to it. Then, I follow it up with thinking about what I want to do with the day, and it doesn’t generally involve him anymore. And then there is the lack of any feeling with hugs or kisses or touches. It’s just not there.

I had the option to plan some time to get away with him and I opted for work.

My ic said that it might be time to start Mc when this happened the last time. But, when I told her I didn’t feel like taking the time or spending the money, she responded with “this might be a sign of making a choice.”

I just don’t want to be flat in all parts of my life. The last time it happened, I made decisions to do things for me. That helped. Lot.

But, I will warn you, if you’re like me, you’ll see more and more of your waywards faults and they are impossible to unsee once you’ve seen them....

His days of tyranny are over, and if he wants that kind of marriage he needs to find himself another fool. This one has wised and continues to wise up

MBB, this is exactly what led me to finally leave WH. He went on one of his drunk verbally abusive rants (via text). In the past, this would have brought me mentally to my knees, and I would jump through hoops trying to reassure him and convince him I was not the bad person he was accusing me of being.

This time, the rant started, and I felt nothing. I just sighed. I was sitting (across country) with my sister, and I simply dropped my phone and blandly said, "I'm done. I'm leaving Mr Bleep.". I never felt sad, anxious, or angry. I was just done. And my brain just let go of him. I never felt so light in my life.

Don't discount your feelings. This could be you being "done".

By the way, he always encouraged me to fly out and visit my sister, and yet every single time I did, he would ruin the trip by verbally shredding me through false accusations and text messages. I waited too long to call him in the morning (I was 3 hours behind him!), Must be because of all the"partying out there" and "f***ing other men.". I'm not kidding. And this was post DDay!! FTG

Not only do I not feel anything for him, I don't even love him. Not one bit. He killed those tender feelings all by himself. Just by being him.

Sorry for the T/J mbb, but I've seen some similarities between our WH's. I want you to love yourself and know you deserve respect.

One of the problems post dday--and you may be feeling this, MBB--is that there is no longer a margin of error. My H used to have a bad day or make a kind of hurtful error, and I could cut him some slack. Now? Nope. It's my gut, my inner voice, that just will not give him one tiny margin for error. He either gets it right or I shut down.

Even in R, he gets it right, right, mostly right, BAM! A wrong move and I am set back again, ready to leave and be done with this.

It is all him now. He either wins me over or he doesn't, but all of my energy and investment is done. He carries us or we sink. Period.

Can a selfish wayward handle that much pressure, that level of change, responsibility, and accountability? IDK. My H is trying. Maybe yours will, too.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:10 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]