SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped,

Like everyone else here, I will be thinking of you and your wife, and I wish both of you well. Please do not forget to attend to your well-being. Obviously, you will be focused completely on your wife, but please make sure you are eating and staying hydrated. Reach out to those around you who can help. I will be saying a prayer tonight for you and your wife.

I am so sorry Walloped. Mrs. Walloped really seems like a wonderful and empathetic person. I hope she recovers soon. Looking directly into the level of pain and anguish you have caused has to be a powerful and heartbreaking experience. I'm thinking of you all.

Sorry to hear about your wife Walloped. I think her sharing here was very brave and honest, and a positive step towards her recovery.

Despite her courage then I’m not surprised she crashed. Considering the external pressure, you BOTH have been subject too then I’m surprised you too haven’t burned out.

There is nothing in your threads that you have written that could have surprised her. She might be embarrassed by some of the details, but I don’t think the problem lies in what you shared. I think the problem lies in what a small but vocal minority felt compelled to post on your threads, and – even worse – on her threads.

This group thinks any form of reconciliation is a weakness. This group is so fanatical in their evangelism that they even line up their sights and prepare their arguments in an alternative forum. For these people being right is all that matters. No matter what. There is no real sense of compassion or understanding or not even a need to help the ones opening their hearts to us. It’s all about being right, of offering the ONLY solution. When you somehow seemed well along into reconciliation… well… that was a severe put-down for them.

When they had the chance, they go after your wife. When she shared her story, she got immense support from many. But she also got several posts that IMHO were mainly aimed at hurting her. At spreading doubts and questions. Doubts and questions that made her feel a need to read your threads…

They went after you too Walloped. They questioned if you really were in reconciliation, if your wife was on-board. They did their best to wreck your reconciliation because that in turn would prove THEM right. THEY would WIN. They would have yet one more case of how reconciliation isn’t attainable and the ONLY way out of infidelity was by following the line they touted.

I tend to stay away from the Wayward forum. The reason is simply because IMHO it’s the bravest and toughest of all forums. To post there you need a compassion and understanding I’m not certain I have. I read your wife’s thread and too often I wished others had the same attitude towards that forum.

I wish you both speedy recovery. Maybe a sabbatical from SI is in order, but I must admit that with how articulate and sensible you both are I was hoping for a new reconciled couple to help others here on this site. I guess the same law applies here as does regarding oxygen masks in airplanes: Save yourself before helping others.

I think that if I were in Mr. Walloped's shoes, I would read the "good" and positive current posts on any and all of their collective threads that are garnering such an outpouring of love, concern, appreciation, and respect.

I think she needs to know and be reminded and told by as many "witnesses" as possible what kind of woman she is NOW in our collective estimation as opposed to what she may have read from those who have less redemptive mindsets towards a formerly sinful-but-now-remorseful person.

People CHANGE. For better and for worse. And her mother (in her mind at least) and her FOO are all likely screaming condemnation and hate and ugliness at her, because she never got to get credit for the good in her IIRC, but only the supposed bad. It was a one-way thing. Bad was the ONLY voice. Condemnation. Hate. Rejection. Good choices and changes never merited her a THING except maybe a temporary cease-fire!

That can be catastrophic on a woman's psyche and soul! A girl needs to KNOW WHO she really IS. She needs to hear it and get that affirmation where it's really warranted and merited. Seeking such consolation and affirmation is much of what her soul was after when she strayed in the first place. I'm NOT faulting Mr. Walloped there, because my OWN wife couldn't receive MY affirmation and love as such in her twisted, warped mind when she was wayward years ago. But she could certainly believe OTHERS when they told and showed her positive feel-goods to get what they were after from her.

I'm not saying that Mrs. Walloped is still wayward like that at all, but rather that all of this is relatively new for her and she's very likely still got the need for affirmation and positive reminders of who she is now and all that she's done to help herself, her husband and family, and even many of the rest of us here on SI.

Even with new and better boundaries and self-awareness and love and appreciation for what she had all along doesn't fix all of that wiring and FOO and abuse she suffered for so long while she was young and impressionable and forming her identity and worldview. That takes a LOT of time, work, and un-doing to resolve and get straightened out.

And I sympathize, even as a BS. I know what guilt and shame feel like, albeit on a different scale perhaps. And my own wife reacted a good bit like this more than once in HER shame and horror when the empathy and the reality check bounced and hit the fan and her and ME all at the same time! It wasn't pretty and it WASN'T MANIPULATION either! It was abject grief and crippling shame, and I had to save her from herself, too.

And in spite of my own ongoing wrestling match with grief and anger and pain at the whole ugly thing of it all that WE went-and-are-going-thru with her multiple adulteries and abandonments and everything dark and horrible of those yesteryears gone by, I'm still very glad that I was there to stop her from hurting herself or worse.

That's when the "in sickness and in health" bit really hits home, I'd say. And in the long run, hopefully this will be the start of a new, deeper love that she'll have and KNOW regarding her husband's love for her...if she didn't know the depths of it and him already, that is...

We are home. She’s doing okay. Exhausted, a bit disoriented from the medication and very, very embarrassed. She’s in bed and her sister is upstairs with her now.

Thank you for all your posts. I haven’t read them yet but I will. Knowing this crowd here at SI I pretty much know what they’ll say so thank you in advance for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and support. I expected nothing less.

There was no suicide attempt or even a parasuicide attempt. Thank God. Our doctor said it was a severe acute anxiety attack. She has no recollection of scratching herself. She was shocked to see bandages on her arms when she woke up today. But it wasn’t an attempt at self harm. More of a manifestation of what she was going through. I don’t want to speak for her too much about how this happened but we talked a bit about it and it seems she was up all night reading and she said it was page after page of pain and hurt and anger and she lost herself in it. Her mantra of worthlessness and self-hate came flooding back and she got caught in that and then apparently she just lost all self control.

She apologized so many times to me. She’s very shaken that this happened. She thought she was stronger than this. I called her therapist today and rescheduled her in for an extended session tomorrow and a few more this week. Plus, our doctor put her on Ativan for the next two weeks and a low dosage of Zoloft to keep her calm and avoid any additional attacks.

I’ll post more later if I can, but I just wanted to give you all an update. Thanks again.

-W

I'm so sorry. I've read both of your threads and followed your journey thus far. I'm sending prayers and positive vibes for you both.

So glad she's doing better.

[This message edited by Thisfknsux at 7:32 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Thank you.

Glad she is home and with her sister.

I do hope things calm down and glad you have help scheduled.

Maybe time for the dancing together and have good times together.

Thank God. I’m relieved.

Thank you for keeping us posted, Walloped. She has nothing to be embarrassed about.

Will continue to pray.

So glad to hear she is home. Wishing you peace tonight.

[This message edited by Owl6118 at 8:09 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Thank you for updating us, and I am so very sorry for both of you. I imagine both of you must be so shaken up and confused about what just happened. Please take of her and of yourself.

I had a complete mental/emotional breakdown roughly 2 years ago, pre-A. Different than your wife, but so severe that it shattered me, literally, into a different person. I'm not even sure what to say... just... It is something I would not wish on my worst enemy, and it is so very sad to read the details of what occurred.

Please take some time to just be together and recover. And please watch her carefully. If there is anything you need or that we can do to help, even if it is just to talk to someone who can relate to what just happened, all you need do is ask.

(((hugs))) to both of you.

Thank God. I’m relieved.

Thank you for keeping us posted, Walloped. She has nothing to be embarrassed about.

A breath of fresh air!

So welcome to hear what the doctors say has happened.

I still think you two have a extremely good future together once you work on finding how to find a place in your memories to store all that has happened and to be able to live with the memories.

The most important ingredient that is needed to find that Nirvana is both time and the most intimate conversations you can have with each other. That is a lot of work and many tears will fall but stay the course - it will be many months or even a few years. There is good chance the conversations will need to be reviewed and revisited but stay the course. Bare your souls to each other! It will work!

and again

Godspeed

Thank you for the update, continued healing to you both.

So glad that she is ok. Thanks for the update. I can't imagine how rough the last few days have been. I'm still praying for you both, like it or not! Lol

She’s very shaken that this happened. She thought she was stronger than this.

She IS strong. Even strong people can have breakdowns. I wish I could hug her.

She is very brave. Thank you for standing by her.

(((hugs to your family)))

Our doctor said it was a severe acute anxiety attack.

Those are brutal. My pastor friend had one. They thought he was having a stoke. No fun.

Good to hear she is doing better.

Thanks for the update, Walloped. I'm so glad she's home and getting care and love. You need to look after you, too, Walloped.

There was mention of MrsWalloped thinking she was stronger than this. Courage is getting back on the horse again after being bucked off, hurt and afraid. I know I'm a long way away and I don't really know you or MrsWalloped but I think that both of you have that kind of courage and resilience.

I continue to pray for both of you and your children. God go with you all.

So good to hear your all home. Both of you have given so much to SI. You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.

I think she should stay away from SI at least for along time. her writing, reading might be taking her through many different emmotions, contradictions,confusions, reliefs etc all contributing to mental stress. Reassuring her that you have no resevations about the past also may help her

[This message edited by goalong at 8:52 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry to here this. She has always been wonderful to me on SI and I truly respect her and I am hopeful she will come out of this stronger. I am praying for her, you, and your family. Glad she is home.

Hey, brother, so sorry to have read this. I hope you guys are doing okay.

I figured your W might find those old threads of yours, but jezz... to sit down and read all of that like it's a Stephen King novel... dayum! I can only imagine how hard that must have hit.

Take care of your W, man. She just fell into the depths of the rabbit hole, and from what you've written, she's gone deeper than I ever did.

Peace be upon you and yours,

Unhinged