SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Continuation of:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=614285&HL=61076

I debated about putting this second thread in the divorce/separation forum. Eventually decided to keep it here in JFO for continuity.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read through the first thread and comment. 50 pages of thoughtful, passionate responses focused on helping me through the most trying time of my life. This amazing community has been a life saver.

WW has been in and out of psych observation twice over the past week or so. New medications have stabilized at this point and she seems slightly better. Her mental breakdown has been almost as stressful as dday. NC has moved to the backburner while her sister and I have been caring for her. Interesting thing is she really hasn’t tried to talk to me very much. Probably for the best since I don’t quite know what to say to her.

She finally agreed to tell DDs about her suicide attempt. I had to call the girls since they apparently blocked WWs number. DD1 immediately showed concern. But DD2...well, she is a tougher nut to crack. She was always the more stubborn of the two. She said she was sorry but still wasn’t ready to talk to her mother.

Anyway, DD1 came to visit this past weekend. I wouldn’t say that WW and DD1 are back to normal, but the visit seemed to help WW.

So now we are in a waiting game of sorts. Division of property is official since she signed the paperwork 2 weeks ago (seems like a very long time ago now). But for the moment I am committed to seeing her back on her feet. Psychiatrist is hopeful this was a temporary decompensation that she can overcome with appropriate therapy.

[This message edited by AmbivalentOne at 10:58 PM, February 21st (Wednesday)]

Im sure a year ago you would never have seen your life and M going this way. I feel for you and your family. No one deserves what you have been through.

I’m also glad she is getting appropriate care and that you and her sister are there for her. You are a good man to do that, but we all knew you were.

Do your DDs have IC support they can turn to? No matter the way they react to all this they will be affected somehow and can use that support.

Sending thoughts of strength your way.

Talking from experience, sometimes these kinds of people will continuously have these kinds of problem. Please, find a way to disengage as soon as you can. Someone else needs the job of being her babysitter.

Good luck.

Previous to being discovered, had she ever shown severe depression or suicidal tendencies?

Be careful not to make this new form of your relationship with your wife a quasi-marriage.

DC spend as much time as you need to help her get back on her feet, although let her know as gently as you can what your plans are. Be as honest as you can. Explain yourself with care and tenderness.

You may need the help of DD'S. She needs to feel loved. Even her sister cant replicate the feeling of love from immediate family. This is the best and probably the only way to ensure she heals.

I know you aren't the type looking for a pat on the back. But you are one hell of a guy! It says a lot about your character that you are so concerned with helping her get back on her feet, despite everything she has put you through. She's gonna lose a good man... too bad for her!

That said, I am very hopeful that your WW gets better. I'm glad your DD was able to mend the fences a little bit. Your other DD will probably come around in time. She's still young, with a fresh sense of independence from being away at college. But there will come a time when she realizes she needs her mother again.

So the division of assets has already taken place, and the clock is counting down until you reach the 1 year mark and you can D. It's gonna be hard to not feel like you're in limbo, especially when you're helping her out so much. But you are doing the right thing. Eventually this D will be finalized, and you can move on with your life.

This is such a sad situation. This is one of those situations you hate seeing end in divorce.

It’s obvious why she didn’t tell you. The hurt, ending of the family. She isn’t the same person she was before.

I understand her suicide attempt. I wanted to die as well when I was losing my family.

Adultery is a horrible darkness.

You truly are a good guy. Says a lot about you and your character.

Hang in there. You and your DD's have been through so much.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

(((prayers)))

A1-

you are a much better man than I am.

Keep working on your healing.

Your girls do need at least one parent in their life that they can come to with life's challenges.

hope you have better days.

But for the moment I am committed to seeing her back on her feet.

This is the right thing to do. For her. And for you. No harm can come from this (mmm…more on this to follow below). You have contact however I don't see this as being a breach of infidelity based NC. Your boundaries are firmly in place. You are legally separated. I expect you will have an ongoing appropriate relationship for significant milestone events for your daughters.

I don't know what is in your heart right now. And your mind must be spinning. Can you even make sense of your emotions? I believe you do have vulnerability to your pain being stirred. This would be if others used your empathy, sympathy, or even your pity, for her as an emotional lever to push for an outcome.

I hope her sister has been respectful of your decisions and does not stir your pain by leveraging your current emotions against you.

I have great respect for you. Trauma times three, hell, trauma to the third power. And you still have it within you to do the right thing.

[This message edited by harrybrown at 8:23 PM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

That’s a pretty fucked up thing to say

A1 you have just been shown...who NOT to become. So sorry you had to read that.

I agree. It's not about the OM now. Her M is done, her DDs aren't talking to her, her shameful secrets are out. Obviously she feels her life is over, and in a way it is. It's 100% her doing which makes it worse for her.

Try feeling some compassion. from a distance. Like you A1. Feel your compassion from a distance. There are people taking care of her now. This isn't your job now, OK? You need to take care of yourself and your two daughters. She has her sister and health care professionals.

A1, you’re doing the right thing. Your WW is in a vulnerable place and her sister alone is not capable of handling things. Even though you’re divorcing her once the one year separation is over, she is the mother of your children and you shared a life together; clearly you want her to recover. Her being suicidal and psychologically fragile is not a happy consequence for any of you.

What you’re doing is extraordinary and demonstrates your compassion and empathy. You are not only a thoughtful and analytical person - you’re also a caring one as well. However, as Bigger mentioned, D means D and R means R, so after a reasonable amount of time and once your wife is emotionally stable (which might take quite some time given the circumstances), you’re going to have to transition back to NC and proceeding with disentangling your lives from one another if you continue with the process of D.

I hope your WW (later on, when she is able to seek out resources online) does not post on SI until she is stronger. In theory, the Wayward forum is protected, but in reality it is a pretty brutal place. New waywards get little of the support and respectful guidance new betrayed spouses get. For the most part they get at best toughlove and at worst an emotional beating. Especially if betrayed spouses are also present on the thread. That type of treatment combined with the comments people have made on your previous thread (which she might be tempted to read despite your warnings) might be way too much for her.

Thank you for keeping us updated.

The care you have for the mother of your children, in the midst of your own pain, is very admirable. Your girls are learning from you. Right now isn't about what anyone thinks she deserves or even what she did, and I'm impressed that you sorted through the cobwebs to see the bottom line. Your children's mother needed help. Had you of kicked her when she was down out of revenge, it would have negated the character you've walked in. Take care A1

Good to hear from you Ambivalent. It sounds like DD2 is more of a logical thinker; less emotional.

Sorry to hear about your WW. I do hope that she continues to get the help she needs. I also hope this doesn't turn into her way of getting attention. Not that she's doing that mind you, but positive response [your time and attention] to negative actions sometimes causes one to do it again in hopes of more positive response. Just be careful that you stay somewhat detached and keep your commitment to your plan of action.

Continue to take care of yourself. You're a great encouragement to many.

I agree with Bigger.

Please don't allow this to become a quasi-marriage

Glad you are back posting A1.

I am glad DD2 is so strong in her showing that she has your back.

I disagree, Western. I think DD1 - who both has her father's back AND has compassion for her mother who recently attempted suicide - is displaying healthier behavior. If, God forbid, her mother ever succeeds in killing herself, DD2 will forever carry guilt for her lack of compassion.