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No I know this won't do dear Mrs W any good. And Mr. W won't enjoy seeing her suffer any more. I think what good does it do a faithful partner to experience something that's maybe more exciting and then return to the spouse thinking about it afterward. Even if it was great then after that how does it help going forward. Forcing the WS to watch or participate seems to be cruel to me.

Seems like it's already tough enough without adding more hurt feelings.

Someone who is pining away for the chance to frolic with another or others should move on and chase that. Don't humiliate the WS.

I think the best solution is to heal and have something better than you both had before. Everybody wins.

What's Right, I didn't think that you did...Or even to imply such.

Sometimes I make a statement or response to something or someone and once I get going, I forget to make the distinction of where my reply stops and my soapbox rant/vent begins.

I can CERTAINLY see where I did that this time. Please pardon me for failing to isolate the reply part (to you) that post from the vast majority of it.

I guess I should edit it to reflect that now

Haha, and you thought this thread was over walloped.

My first wife would regularly ask me if I'd like to have a threesome with her and one of her friends. The idea never appealed to me. I could just barely tolerate trying to have sex with one woman and I knew two women at the same time would be more than I could deal with psychologically.

My ex called me a "prude" because I was never willing to do these types of things - things I considered disgusting and abominable.

I dont think adding a third person into a marriage destroyed by a third person does anything good or works toward the healing of the bs and WS.

Haha, and you thought this thread was over walloped.

I saw this and I was like, really? Are you kidding me? And then I did a...”Well, here we go again.”

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:12 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

Walloped.

I find it interesting that you would consider this torturous to Mrs W.

What about you .. perhaps she would get more pleasure from the third person regardless of gender.

And what if her request was another man not woman. Not good for you my friend. You often seem to be too forgiving of you WW.

Either way I have a hard enough time with the mind movies of my WH and the OW... they torture is for me just as much as for him. I would again see him getting pleasure from another woman and add to the hell in my head. I would be wondering the entire time if he liked her better.

So it’s bad for everyone because it’s just another form of betrayal. No Bueno in any case.

My thought on this are, if she (he) did it with the AP then she HAS to do it with me!! NOBODY get ANY of her in my marriage that I DON'T, It's MY marriage! If it didn't happen with the AP then it is NOT required.

If she (he) did it in the affair then there is NO POSSIBLE way they could object to it with you. I mean they ALREADY did it with somebody so the act itself is NOT something they aren't willing to do, they just won't do it with ME!!! So it's either do it or divorce!

Do I consider this attitude to be "forcing your wandering spouse" NO!!! I consider it a matter of respect for ME!! I mean really how CAN a marriage survive with that. I WILL do it just NOT with you attitude. YOU don't deserve it!!! That's ALL I see here and women (mostly) just want TOTAL CONTROL at ALL times with sex.

YES sex IS all about loving but they just threw all that away and want to do nothing to "balance" the scales??? It is apparently ALL about the WW's "feelings" and how she will hurt or feel "degraded". I guess the BH's "feelings" are of NO importance AT ALL.

Somebody replied to my post on a different thread and she explained how she willingly degraded herself with the other man but didn't want to go back to "degrading" herself with her husband "!! (I will say that her affair had sex that included cutting off her air and other really "degrading" things) OK I get that so just divorce, don't try to get your husband to forever suffer from not having the parts you FREELY gave away! If it wasn't what you wanted why go back!!! Oh yeah, you were "broken" well guess what - your BS is now very "broken" oh again, sorry about that "That wasn't my intent". YES IT WAS YOUR INTENT!! You KNEW how it would affect us but you WANTED what you wanted so badly that we just didn't matter. Now you want us, but don't feel strongly enough about us to make an effort to help us heal because it involves something other than vanilla SEX!.

I also read a post on another thread where a WW was saying "No I will never tell my husband that I cheated BECAUSE then he would want the same kinky kind of sex" the way she said it was "SOME get it and some don't" and her husband OBVIOUSLY" was in the some don't category.

So no matter how a WW explains it that "Some get it and some don't" mentality will ALWAYS be in my head. I WILL no longer be in the "some don't" category .

I find it interesting that you would consider this torturous to Mrs W.

Hurt, I’m not sure I ever said that. I think my point has always been that infidelity is about bringing someone else into the marriage and a threesome is doing the same thing, which I don’t believe is healthy. My view is what’s your goal? To restore balance? Ease pain? Take back power? Or to rebuild your relationship as you progress in R? If it’s the latter, then actions or conditions, IMO, should be with that goal in mind. Does a threesome help you achieve that relationship? For me, no.

And just to be clear, a BS has every right to lay out certain conditions for R. And a WS has every right to decline. And if that means it’s a dealbreaker for the BS, that’s fine. But no one should feel forced to do anything they don’t want to. I’m not in favor of that.

What about you .. perhaps she would get more pleasure from the third person regardless of gender.

And what if her request was another man not woman. Not good for you my friend.

Not sure I follow. My wife never asked me for anything of the sort. It was a suggestion made by others to her to offer it to me to help me heal and I was surprised at the suggestion.

You often seem to be too forgiving of you WW.

How exactly? I haven’t even forgiven her. Where do you get that? Because I don’t rant and rave here? Keep in mind I’m 2.5 years out.

My thought on this are, if she (he) did it with the AP then she HAS to do it with me!! NOBODY get ANY of her in my marriage that I DON'T, It's MY marriage! If it didn't happen with the AP then it is NOT required.

So it's either do it or divorce!

Candyman, Personally I think comparisons don’t help. Why does it matter to you what she did with someone else. What if the thought of anal sex grossed you out and you wanted no part of it but your WW did it with her AP? Would you still demand it simply because she did it with someone else?

Again, everyone is different but I think people can be happier if they focus on what’s best for them now. But, that’s just my opinion.

But I agree. A BS can lay out certain conditions and if they aren’t met, then D is fine. For some, it’s a dealbreaker and that’s perectly okay.

OK I get that so just divorce, don't try to get your husband to forever suffer from not having the parts you FREELY gave away! If it wasn't what you wanted why go back!!!

I think it’s perfectly understandable for a WS to not want to D simply because they don’t want to do acts with their BS that they are ashamed of doing with their AP. I don’t know that I’d call it suffering. The BS can choose to D, but you’re suggesting the WS not try and rebuild their M? I don’t get that.

if she (he) did it with the AP then she HAS to do it with me!! NOBODY get ANY of her in my marriage that I DON'T, It's MY marriage!

So if she had a threesome with her AP and the AP wife, or the AP and his best buddy, you would require that she agree to a threesome with you and someone of your choice?

Did MrsWalloped have a threesome with her AP?

Did MrsWalloped have a threesome with her AP?

No. She did not. Someone suggested she offer that to me as an option in order to make me feel better. The suggestion was surprising to me hence this thread.

Morning DragnHeart, sad to say but YES I personally would! It would HAVE to be a 2 woman thing FOR me and she would have to ENTHUSIASTICALLY participate. I don't care if it was a MMF thing for her, although that might mean she has to do it twice so I would get at LEAST as many "other women" as she had men. (in the threesome anyway). Particulars would have to be negotiated and SHE would have to line it up. She would chose the partners because she chose the "other" partners however the other partner would HAVE to be acceptable to me.

If it was multiple 3 somes than good-bye. Now to be honest when it happened I was just destroyed and the last one was an exit affair. I just rug swept the first one. I am a different man now and probably would just divorce and do what I could to out her to the WORLD. I mean everybody! FB, ALL her friends, family, everybody she works with, I mean everybody!

edited to add; I would also include any KINK's she participated in.

JMO YMMV

[This message edited by Candyman66 at 10:12 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

sad to say but YES I personally would!

See, this is the thing I find confusing (and I’m perfectly okay with just leaving it at that we are all wired differently, but anyhoo). I know you said multiple threesomes and you’d D right away. But say it was a particular act. Anal sex. And she did it with OM 3 times. Would you require to have anal sex with your WW 3 times too? Or just once? Or more? Is it it now an all the time thing because she opened the door? And let’s say you required it the exact number of times she did it and that’s what you did. Now what? Feel better? How? You got even. Balanced the scales. But how exactly does that help? Issues resolved? Relationship any better? Other than a pride or getting even or control thing I just don’t see the value. How does it move the ball forward in your relationship? Because isn’t that the goal? And if it’s not, then just D and move on.

Candyman66

Thank you for answering and being honest. I appreciate that.

Walloped.

I think you said it better than I ever could. I do not see how "evening the score" helps to reconcile the marriage.

Many men have chimed in and said this is how they feel so I'm not saying it's not valid. I just don't understand how it could make an already shitty situation any better.

If my xww opened Pandora’s Box—pun intended—for her AP, then it would stay open for me indefinitely. Because as a man who dedicates my life to a woman, I deserve the best treatment. I deserve respect. And I will re-establish ownership. Yes, feminists, I went there, because I am not afraid to acknowledge that most men at a primal level have a sense of ownership over their spouse—perhaps you ladies do, too; if not, you should.

Fortunately I was spared this scenario because my xww offered everything to me she gave others. Not out of respect — our situation is complicated— but because of her innate sexuality.

Walloped, I did try to get revenge, I had sex with her older sister. I did NOT tell her but figured that if she ever found out that it was the way I could hurt her the MOST! You know the friends are friends but family is FOREVER!

It did actually help me BUT ONLY years later when she got divorced the 2nd time. I found out that her second husband ALSO cheated on her with 2 of her sisters and divorced her and married her SISTER!!! KARMA STRIKES AGAIN!!!(guess he was meaner than me LOL)I wound up, before the marriage was officially over, sleeping with another sister but that was after I had lived in Calif for 2 years. Not particularly proud of it BUT I did it so I own it.

What it does say is it wasn't me but how F'ed up her FOO was/is. I BOTH of my cases her sisters came onto me and I'm an evil fighter when I finally get mad. I am also not a nice man anytime I fight. I often say that "even I don't like me when I fight".

In response to the other part, YES even if I hated anal we would do it a LOT. It might be the only sex she got from me for a year or two after all NO chance of pregnancy from that way!

As for her wanting to reconcile without doing the sex part umm NO! Why should I? You say it's NOT HEALTHY well exactly how "healthy" was MY marriage while she was DOING WHAT I WANT WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!! So please I can't understand why I would want to be with someone who wants kinky sex just not with me.

Thank you PlanC

I'm going to try and be gentler in this post. It's all about feelings and whose are more important. The (in my case but it works BOTH ways) WW has been out having porn star sex with AP('s) gets caught (or confesses) and wants to reconcile. Get this part? This is the important part, she supposedly actually wants to be with YOU. Hurray! BUT she doesn't want porn star sex with you.

Why? because she will be "degrading herself". However she has JUST gotten done "degrading" herself with HIM! It will adversely affect her "feelings" and she doesn't want to feel "bad".

Did she give a flying G Damn about your feelings when SHE was having this "Pornstar sex" with AP? the usual answer is "NO BUT it wasn't about you". It was about "how broken" she was/is and SURELY you don't want her to feel "DISRESPECTED" do you? Excuse me but wasn't she just disrespecting you as badly as anyone possibly could???

So what the WW's (and sad to say most BW's) want is for YOU to be the bigger person and NOT hurt her because "that wouldn't be healthy". So what you are saying in simple language is "HER feelings matter SO MUCH MORE than yours do". That's the vibe I'm getting here.

I read this as saying womens feelings matter you are just a guy and all you care about is nasty sex. You shouldn't try to achieve "equality" because you are not equal. Just accept that and move on quietly please. But if YOU cheat I will take all you own and 1/2 of all you make for YEARS!

JMO YMMV

I agree Walloped. This is an infidelity forum. A huge number of us are here because our husbands/wives stepped outside of the marriage.

If we couldn't deal with it one on one, how are we going to sit there and watch it in person ? It makes no sense to me as I never will understand the open marriage crowd. And I do judge BTW.

In the end, there are swinger forums for people who want to do that crap but the day another man beds my wife in front of me, saying I will 'go postal' is an understatement. Even if my wife suggested it with another woman, how do I know the lesbian aspect of it won't bother me ? What is her ulterior motive ? When will she ask for a MWM threesome to compensate.

Marriage is between 2. If you want it opened, then why did that person get married in the first place ? And just because someone broke the bond doesn't give them the right to make it up in this rugsweeping fashion

Did she give a flying G Damn about your feelings when SHE was having this "Pornstar sex" with AP? the usual answer is "NO BUT it wasn't about you". It was about "how broken" she was/is and SURELY you don't want her to feel "DISRESPECTED" do you? Excuse me but wasn't she just disrespecting you as badly as anyone possibly could???

No, there's no better way to disrespect a man than to do this to him. And, if the shoe were reversed (as it sometimes is, WH does something for AP he won't do for BW) the story is completely different.

So what the WW's (and sad to say most BW's) want is for YOU to be the bigger person and NOT hurt her because "that wouldn't be healthy". So what you are saying in simple language is "HER feelings matter SO MUCH MORE than yours do". That's the vibe I'm getting here.

Yes as well. I won't dig it up, but there was a huge thread about this that nearly reached the limit for how many pages it could have. It went round and round, but, the summation of it is, men and women see this entirely differently. However, what the men, myself included, said there to the WW's was pretty consistent, if you hope/intend to R, you better get over it and offer up "the good stuff" to your BH. Maybe you shouldn't have to, maybe men really are pigs and we should get over it, maybe you really were broken and having sex like that with the AP was great but with your H would be akin to rape... None of it matters, do it, or divorce. Because asking most men to "get over it" is akin to asking someone to learn to breathe underwater, no amount of "this should be possible, fish can do it" will keep you from drowning. Just like no amount of talking will ever "fix" the anal sex you had with your AP but deny your H. It just won't, call it primal, call it "men are only out for one thing" call it ridiculous.. It doesn't change the facts.