I’ve been a lurker for some time. I was moved to make my first-ever post by the poignant, intensely human accounts of Mrs. and Mr. W. You are both so sentient, generous, empathetic, caring, and your love for one another, and your family, leaps off the page. I cried when I read Mrs. W's post from the wee hours in the morning on Valentine's Day.
Please forgive the length of this post. I read Mr. and Mrs. W's various threads over just several days' time. It's sort of like having a DDay by proxy.
I think these threads have captivated so many, at such an intense level, because the nature of the A here is especially difficult for a BH. The sense of emasculation is so strong. I know that Mrs. W has read Mr. W's threads and that she understands this. The cri de coeur of rage and pain in Mr. W's posts on and after DDay is gut-wrenching. It seems improbable that this marriage can survive this betrayal, and yet there it is, still together almost 3 years later.
Aside from a few rageaholics who go all "Burn the witch!" on every WW, most of us here root for marriages to survive, and we believe in the power of love to persevere even in the most unlikely of circumstances. How can we do otherwise? Who among us is without sin? With respect to Mrs. & Mr. W, we become invested in the survival of this marriage, first because they both seem like profoundly good people who love one another deeply, the kind of people for whom one instinctively wishes happiness and fulfillment, and second because the survival of this marriage, with this level of betrayal, is a beacon of hope for all of us.
I personally believe this marriage has a strong chance of surviving.
Perhaps the most important detail here is that Mrs. W was quick to fully disclose when confronted, she did not trickle-truth to any substantial degree, she instinctively and (almost) immediately went NC, and she did not try to protect the AP. In fact, she seemed almost relieved at being discovered and it has been clear from DDay that her heart is 100% invested in her marriage with her BH. This last point really stands out. We see checklists of things a truly remorseful WS should do. Mrs. W did most of these things without prompting, because she knew she wanted an R and she made the effort to figure out how to get there.
It is difficult, though, to reconcile the A itself with the Mrs. W we know from SI. It is very much a koan. My work life brings me in contact with the occasional man like POSOM. Idle rich. Wealthy enough to own a pied-à-terre in Manhattan, to buy influence at a charity, and to enjoy sufficient leisure time to volunteer amongst SAHM's during the day whilst their husbands are at work. A similar man I have known for about 20 years has been responsible for breaking up 3 or 4 marriages using exactly the same method used with Mrs. W, all of them 40-something SAHM's in mid-life crisis. Some of the broken couples were "school friends" (parents of kids who went to school with my kids). In every case, both the BH and the WW end up loathing him, as he sits drunkenly at the bar in the country club gloating to his friends about his conquests, trying to share cell phone snapshots showing these women wearing the tawdry lingerie he bought for them, or even more compromising positions. He is despicable and disgusting to all who know him, the kind of guy who makes more money from his money by being dishonest and a bully, and we all marvel at how seemingly intelligent, sentient, mindful women fall for his line of bullshit again and again. More on that below.
Speaking of the POSOM, have the two of you discussed the protocol in the event your paths should cross the POSOM in public at some point? It's a small world. This could happen. I don't agree with the position that the best thing to do is to simply look at the floor and try to pretend he's not there. I think the better approach is to give him a "don't you dare fucking talk to me" glare and then continue with your business. If he approaches and tries to greet you, utter nothing beyond "hello", reject any proffered handshake, back away from any attempted hug, and say "goodbye" if he attempts to chat. To Mr. W, be ready to see on his face a shit-eating look that says "I tapped that." This is what he will think if he sees Mrs. W. Don't react with violence.
There has been a lot of discussion about the reality that this A was cliché. Mrs. W was facing stress from organizing a wedding and dealing with a mid-life crisis. These are normal life milestones that millions of people navigate without stepping outside of their marriages. What led her into the web of a cynical, solipsistic, rich asshole?
I believe that Mrs. W's inner void was and is real and heartfelt, and it placed a demon on her shoulder who twisted her thinking (more about that in a later post), like Grima Wormtongue and King Theoden. I think this is something that affects women in ways that many men do not fully grock, and I think their biggest challenge as a couple (other than the R) will be figuring out how to fill this void.
As to the A, in the end, we can analyze it all day, but at this point it is moot. The bottom line for Mr. W: your WW served you shit sandwich. That part is never going to change, no matter whether you R or D. Life does that sometimes. It hurts like hell, and the torment won't ever completely go away. The question is: when you are 60, or 70, or 80, and you are tormented by mind movies, would you rather have Mrs. W at your side comforting you, or nobody, or some other woman you might meet in the future if you D from and Mrs. W, a woman who might love you but who probably does not enjoy being reminded of your past baggage with Mrs. W? From where I sit, you would be making a mistake to walk away from Mrs. W. I believe she truly loves and desires you and she is prepared to spend the rest of her life comforting you every time this pain presents itself to you.
Consider this for context. A couple I know, friends of mine, had a daughter who was a complete gem. Smart, driven, humble, accomplished, loving, pretty, talented, she did all the right things, graduating top of her class and matriculating at a prestigious university for pre-med. Late one Saturday evening near the end of her Sophomore year, as she drove back to the university campus from the part-time job that she worked to help pay for college, a drunk ran a red light and t-boned her car on the driver's side, killing her instantly. She was their only. As they grow old, this is their last memory of family. Shit sandwiches come in different shapes sizes. Imagine standing in church looking into the casket of your dead 20-year old daughter, your only child, so much grace and beauty and promise cut down, you and your spouse old and alone with only some pathetic, broken-down drunk, a shell of a human, to look to for vengeance. Or imagine having your heart broken and your manhood crushed by your WW, but then having the same WW, a woman of quality, lovely inside and out, repent with complete sincerity and invest every ounce of her being into staying by your side for life, if you'll have her, offering you as much love, sexual desire, and emotional comfort as her big heart can produce. Which sandwich would you rather have?
That example is extreme, but more to the point of this thread, one need only spend a few minutes on the JFO forum to see all manner of horrible, R-negating behavior by WS's: lying, denying, TT-ing, blame-shifting, etc., never mind some of the truly awful things they do as part of the actual A: belittling the BS, enlisting conspiratorial friends, spending family money on the AP, etc.
The two of you married young. Right now, in 2018, you're at, if my math serves, 26 years of marriage, and Mr. W is 47 years of age. In 24 years (2042) you could celebrate your 50th. At that time Mr. W will be only 71. Your dick may still be getting hard if you eat right and keep yourself fit. Not many couples reach their 50th. You need to marry young, both of you need to live to an old age, and you need to stay married in the meantime. Ask any long-married couple and they will tell you that there were times during their marriage where they were certain they wanted to D. It's not just betrayal that causes a married couple to peer into this void. Simmering resentments, medical maladies, political differences, financial worries, even chronic snoring – all different shapes and sizes of shit sandwiches. What defines successful long-term marriages is how the couples get past these times.
Which leads me to forgiveness. The pain of the A will be a presence in both of your lives, no matter what you do, as long as you live, like a fly buzzing in the window. That is reality. Imagine an evening in 2042 when your adult children and their families have gathered to take the two of you out to celebrate your 50th. As Mr. W knots his necktie, he catches Mrs. W's eye in the bathroom mirror. His mind reflects on their life together. It is almost certain that what will enter his mind at that moment will be the A, the mind-movies. The shadow of pain and helpless despair will flash across his face, a look that Mrs. W has by then seen thousands of times. In turn, Mrs. W will feel the tightness of panic in her heart: "Will today be the day Mr. W decides to walk away?" Then the moment will pass; Mr. W will embrace her and tell her he loves her; Mrs. W will thank him for staying with her and tell him she loves him. The two of you will dry your eyes, she will lock her arm through his like those old-fashioned couples in the movies, and you will walk into the living room with smiles for your children and grandchildren. That is what forgiveness looks like: one day at a time, week after week, month after month, year after year.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:26 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]
