SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We were planning to buy a farm land last year where we we're supposed to build our dream home.

Building my dream home has always been a fantasy of mine. It wasn't for WW, IMO she had no interest in any of that or even interior decorating. She would have been happy in a cardboard box I think. She actually didn't like big open houses. Of course a big space to a small 5ft petite woman is tiny to most other people

Although building your own home might be more headache and stress than you may care for, but the allure of it to me is the control in getting what you want. There are things people would put money in that I wouldnt, like so many nice houses have a dumpy kitchen...I'd want one with granite countertops .

I take it you're not a city slicker if you were planning to build a farm house

I still like my current home (I might actually miss the 3 flights of stairs since it's now a nice workout packing on the leg weights), but yeah I guess there's nothing really holding me here.

I don't get it either (planning dream houses, while knocking up your mistress). It sounds like it was a LTA basically but just not in your face. WW sometimes would talk about let's have a baby...but how can you possibly think that if you're pulling the shenigans you're doing!

Part of it is irrational thinking, but I do think part of it is they made a mistake and they don't know how to fix it. And they keep digging the hole bigger and bigger and just hope things go away or get better without them actually doing anything different. Smart people can act very dumb...

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:37 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

We bought our first home maybe 9 or 10 months before she started her affair. We went on vacation one month prior to DDay, while she was well into it. Weird how these people try to repaint the Titanic as they're actively steering it into the iceberg.

I don't know what constitutes an LTA, so I never joined that other thread xD it'll be two years for them in April.

He may be smart, but not a captain so he took the turn and crashed into the iceberg.. xD only people without conscience can risk lives like that.

Eh captains do that too. Although my question is did he go down with the ship? Hehe

Well you said it was 1.5 years before you found out. It didn't sound like they hooked up, knocked her up, then stopped for 9 months or something. Instead he led a double life until you found out / you left. Often I see people writing about EAs or PAs that last week's or months here, not years.

I think the main reason why the people over in that thread aren't here is for whatever reason they aren't giving up on the relationship or the WS isn't leaving or its an on/off affair where there are quiet moments of false R then the WS goes back to seeing the AP and not leaving. For a long time I was in that position.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 6:17 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

hello team! nice to drop by.

it's been 10 months now. everything has settled down, she is still with him, but the kids are settled in a routine, the divorce is almost done, and i've just got a 16 grand pay rise

i still carry around a sense of dread sometimes. a kind of rumination that one day she will either: a) have a full nervous break down b) turn the kids against me for some poisonous reason or c), worst of all, that i get a call one day that she is moving across the country. these people are inherently unpredictable.

Such is life living with someone like this. but these fears are totally unsolvable. accept all outcomes, i guess. live with the uncertainty. it's a shit sandwich and i am still adjusting to having this woman in my life due to the kids.

but as for the pain of the affair, the sense of betrayal, the hurt, it's all almost gone. i certainly have no love for her left in a romantic sense, although i still worry about her now and then.

if anyone is struggling the things that helped me was just sitting with the pain. no distractions. face on through it. processing. eventually i was able to find perspective. the daily horror has gone. i can go fishing for 8 hours and thinking about it for 8 minutes, if that makes sense.

it's horrible what we go through and it never really leaves us. there is no redemption for having this happen to us but the pain does get less, as many of you said it word.

much love, puff stuff.

Good to hear that things are working out in the right direction. Congratulations puffstuff!

It's so uplifting to know you don't think about the A all the time and that the pain is almost gone. I'm so happy for you. I hope your kids are healing too.

Ugh not thinking about the affair would be nice. I've been spared dreams the last few days, but they came back last night:

WW dumped her AP, and now is dating other men, several other men (and being intimate with all of them) and they're all showering her with gifts and ego kibbles. And she's bragging to me what she is getting. I snap in my dream and start yelling at her that she's still cheating and she gets up and walks away. Later I get a ton of messages on my phone from the guys she's dating defending her and insulting me.

It felt so real I want to call her up right now and tell her to stop invading my dreams lol

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 5:40 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

I hope you did not call her for real xD

I'm happy to say they don't invade my dreams that often. I get to sleep peacefully most of the time.

Today's such a trigger I passed by the office pantry and found it odd that the lights were off. Was about to enter when I saw friend crying at the corner. I've never seen her like that. She's always been jolly. I was speechless and just told her I'd lock the door for her. I messaged her after. I don't know what really happened. I heard she had a fight with long term boyfriend a few days before their anniversary just a week ago. She seemed okay then though.

The situation caught me off guard and reminded me of all those times after Dday when I locked myself in the bathroom to cry (she should have used the bathroom xD). I don't feel so good at the moment and want to just curl into a ball

:(

((hopeful))

And no, I didn't call her lol.

How's everyone doing? Tough times but hope you're all okay

Sometimes I read the stuff here and think that I am broken.

I don't dream of my exe. I had one dream weeks ago, it was very odd.

She was naked standing in the door of our bathrooms in the house we lived in, in Chicago. She looked at me and said. "I think we need to get more chewy."

I have no idea what it meant. I read on dream dictionary stuff and meanings but other than thinking over stuff I really didn't understand the message.

I think about her too often, think about her with her new married man, living the mistress life but I really don't have the issue of having her invade my dreams.

I read that 4 to 6 months people usually relapse so I worry that that is on my horizon.

I don't know why I am writing sentences that need to repeat two words but oh well.

I read an article about love and wanting them back. I thought about it and I don't know if I would want her back if given the chance.

We have been NC 74 days and I truly doubt that she will ever reach out to me. I don't know her new phone number since I cancelled hers since she was on my plan. I probably have her email but I have very little desire to reach out to her.

Maybe it's normal to feel broken but I wonder.

Chewy?

Lol that's like the Frasier episode where he dreams of a coworker and he has the word "Chesty" tattooed on his arm.

Maybe it was about needing more food...chewy is a website to buy pet food.

I wonder if counting the days of NC is more harmful than helpful. As much as we may hold onto the hopium even if you don't have much desire to actually talk to her. She isn't coming back, and if she does, then it's because you're plan B and something didn't work out. She's thrown you away.

So what I mean is tracking the days gets you in the state of mind that you're waiting for something (like her coming back). That is something I have struggled with too. Little by little I feel like I'm getting away from that mentality, and when you do I think that's when you stop feeling broken.

Was she a tea drinker? Why not have a Boston tea party and throw it away and switch to coffee? Have a little revolution and do something different than you would have done with her around. Might help not to dwell on it.

Yeah I use chewy for my dog's food.

I don't really count them anymore. I was told to go 90 days no contact but I started tracking my weight loss after I found out. I was planning on dropping weight and finding out she cheated curb my appetite immensely so I have it on a spread sheet. There are 84 weigh entries so it's just simple math. I found out 84 days ago on the 22nd she left on the 30th so the 31st was the first day that I didn't talk to her so just subtracting stuff but I get your point.

I moved from Chicago to AZ a few weeks after she left. I threw away or donated anything that she left which was sort of my boston tea party. Got rid of everything that reminded me of her.

The only thing that I have left is my car that she used to go meet the guy, I am planning on getting rid of it as soon as I can but money is tight so I have to put up with that thought when it randomly pops up in my head. I randomly found some of her things when I drove to AZ and every time I found something I stopped to put gas in the tank and threw it away so everything of her's is gone, just the lingering memory is all I have left.

I imagine that she is on a rowboat on an endless lake, as am I. She drifts further into the fog every day and I row away from her.

I agree for the most part, I would be a fall back but I also feel that being a mistress will end up blowing up in her face.

I don't want her back.

I guess I just want her to apologize truly and realize what a mistake she made, but maybe she didn't and she probably won't.

That's good what you're doing. We probably will never truly get an apology. For me I got so many that I think I'm numb to her saying the words "I'm sorry". It doesn't mean a whole lot when the actions don't back it up.

I imagine that she is on a rowboat on an endless lake, as am I. She drifts further into the fog every day and I row away from her.

This struck a note with me. Very powerful....it's sad to imagine. When they've slipped into the fog and cannot be seen anymore it feels so final.

I sometimes have imagined this sort of imagery and I think my brain's self defense kicks in. I always think of a quote from the Two Towers movie (LOTR), where gandalf tells the three hunters that one stage of their journey is over and another one begins. I always liked how the line was delivered because it felt like it there was something fresh to look forward to. A new chapter and not the final end. After all it was only the middle of the plot

My brain knows I like movie quotes lol.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:47 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]

The only apology i got was my screen name.

A short text.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry for everything."

Not much of an apology.

Yeah I like to write.

The lake has been fairly large in what I think about when I am sad but the favorite thing I wrote, sad that's its a favorite is: We were driving down the road, me and her, life ahead of us, I would turn my head and see her, or at least it looked like her, somewhere she had left, replaced by the ghost of her, the ghost that looked and acted like her but wasn't, the ghost was there and she was gone. I tried to talk to the ghost but the answers were stale, I had heard them before. She had gotten out long ago, and forgot to tell me. What was left was only the remnants and when I finally turned and looked, I could see that it wasn't her. She had left without a word, only the ghost of her remained.

When I think of LOTR I only see Gandalf on the bridge telling the hobbits, "Fly you fools."

The answer to the journey but they didn't know it, go to the eagles and fly, bypass the trek and throw the ring into the volcano.

It reminds me of this and all of our suffering, the answer is there, so obvious.

We all know it but we don't see it.

We would rather endure the journey to Mordor and tolerate the hurt and pain, stewing in our betrayal.

The easy path is there, we just are so afraid to see it.

Sometimes, I guess, we are supposed to take the journey or we don't become who we turn into at the end.

(if you have Amazon Prime, I highly recommend Tolkien, its pretty interesting take on JRR's experience.)

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 4:53 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]

As abandoned BS, we're like Sam watching Frodo cling to the ring and then go invisible. Also the abandoning WS is like Gollum holding the ring (AP love) close to their chest as they fall backwards into the lava flow, with a smile. Also the WS is like that one Uruk-hai orc bowman and we're Boromir. I could probably do this all day lol.

"Don't go where I can't follow" :(

People on SI: "Don't you let go. Reeeach!"

The last scene between Padme and Anakin in Revenge of the Sith also is something I view a bit differently now.

My ex and I were in the middle of watching The Sopranos when I got DDay'd. Spoiler alert if you made it this far without watching this masterpiece (I only started it in 2018)...

We're in the middle of like season 4. I catch her, life unravels like gangbusters, and I put the show on hold. I tried watching a few episodes while I was stuck in my house by myself for those 6 weeks, but I just couldn't get into it. Then I move out and never see her again and start my new job, so I got real busy real fast. Months later, I finally decide to pick it back up. And what do you know, that season ends with Carm leaving Tony because she's finally had it with all of his cheating bullshit. How fitting. Their whole argument that led to the split really hit home.

I don't want her back.

I guess I just want her to apologize truly and realize what a mistake she made, but maybe she didn't and she probably won't.

I've come to terms with us being over. Like you sorryforeverything, I don't want him back too and just want him to realize his mistake and feel genuinely sorry. I don't expect I'd ever receive it.

I feel like I am now Eowyn in the making: I fear neither death nor pain. I fear to be put back in that cage of a marriage.

NOTE: Will look for Tolkien. I saw the trailer once before and totally forgot until you mentioned it here

At EF, skipping your post as I haven't seen The Sopranos xD

I feel like I am now Eowyn in the making: 

Hah...that makes the AP the Witch King then. Pretty fitting if you ask me.

"No man can resist me!"

"I am no man!" *stab*