He married me on paper, but he was starting a family with a different one apparently. I can't articulate just how much that destroyed me.
Yes, the baby was already born by the time you found out right? So that moves the time line up considerably. It was still unplanned though right?
4 months or 12 months, I think it's another case of a partner staying because they've settled. He was with you for 8 years: he hasn't found anyone else, he may as well make it "official". Maybe he thinks tieing the knot will make things better somehow. Maybe he was getting pressure from others. Whatever the reason, someone who cheats that soon after a wedding sounds like they were only half hearted about the relationship to start. He had 8 years to decide that you weren't his "forever".
Like you said, I think it reveals a lack of commitment. Up until that point it never was truly tested. If they met before the wedding I'd bet 5 bucks the same events would have unfolded (more confident of that wager with your correction too).
I guess I've never been in a position where I'm with someone and not in love with them. I cannot imagine it. I don't think I'd stay (I didn't think I'd stay after being cheated on so who knows). I pity the people who stay for the sake of being in a relationship, who don't want to be alone. WW fits that bill too.
All I know is after all this crap, it's hard to suppress only having eyes for my WW. Maybe it's because I don't have anyone giving me ego kibbles like our waywards, I don't know. I'd like to think that if I'm with you in the 8th year, 4 months isn't going to make a difference to me because I'm in it for life. It won't matter when this other woman shows up, because my eyes are focused inward. Especially without being cheated on? Having a supportive wife who does things for you or doesn't demand the moon from you? IMO it sounds like bliss and harmony compared to what I've been through, lol!
So true on loyalty being a precious commodity these days. I'm not sure if statistics say there's less cheaters before our generation or the internet just happen to make it more known. People nowadays justifies everything because "life is short and the heart says so".
Yeah, #YOLO right?
If you aren't feeling the tingles anymore, go find someone else who gives you that! If your spouse isn't your idea of perfection, then you're just not compatible and it's okay!
WW and I met via Okcupid, but I can see the dangers Internet dating has brought us. You're able to find hundreds of new partners at your fingertips, it's shopping for love. If someone doesn't fit your ideal specifications, throw them back. Our parents and grandparents never had that sort of power. And I think for many people it breeds a terrible form of FOMO there might be someone that is even more perfect and compatible for you out there. And many people are led to believe they deserve that prince or princess, so discarding their current beau is okay.
We're all flawed people and often life won't fit into that little box of other people's expectations. I firmly believe love is more than just those tingles. Maybe you can argue that means there were more unhappy marriages in past generations, but I'm not so sure. I think it's easier to wander now because it's easier to survey whats out there. And when you have so much choice, you stop looking inward and worse start becoming resentful why your partner isn't more like this other choice you could be with. What does being envious (and lusting after other people) have anything to do with compatibility? IMO coveting others breeds incompatibility, the word becomes a convienent excuse.
Basically I'm talking about ignorance is bliss lol. I'm thinking of a fable where a peasant wife and husband get caught up in shenanigans because they see what they look like in a mirror for the first time and don't like what they see about themselves. Obviously they were each okay with the other person's looks, but knowing their own looks made them go nuts. Sometimes it's better not knowing what you're "missing in life" if coveting it only brings discord.
There's a similar ep in Black Mirror where simulations are run to know if you're compatible enough to break all odds. I kind of wished now we have it in real life XD maybe finding a life partner would be less stressful.
Well for me it'll be questions on if they cheated before or the like. Real great dating conversation that will garuantee a second date eh? I sometimes wonder that I need to find another BS to be understood...I know it won't garuantee no cheating, but I just do not want to be involved with someone who was like WW to someone else or like you described your husband's AP, where she's had many partners. I've had to share my WW already and it's scarred me, I'd sooner take a virgin or someone with only one other sexual partner (like me) over someone who has been with 20 guys. I don't care if I'm missing mind blowing sex or not. I think too many partners makes you numb at some level.
For all you know, your husband may get the ultimate karma payback years from now. Maybe the AP wanted a baby and a provider. She may not actually love him and one day will discard him, and the divorce may ruin him and his business.
[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 7:32 AM, March 1st (Sunday)]