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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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puffstuff posted 10/6/2019 02:13 AM

I cant believe now all that Reconcilliation Industry Complex stuff i read initially. Go no contact to win them back! Talk their love languages t9 win them back! They are in a fog, be there for when they come out!

Theres no money in kicking the cheater to the curb for therapists, is there.

Its all very disempowering. My wife had abusive traits and could make me feel like shit fairly regularly. I could handle it, tbh. But how about those in intensly abusive relationships reading this stuff? Trauma bonded up to their eyeballs and given all this false hope.

And i believe that the cold hard facts are that a) they dont give a shit about us and b) they give a hell of a shit for someone else. They just dont give a shit. Thats the message these therapists should convey. The fog. Fog my balls. This is who they are. Is there a gun to their head? Did you keep them locked in the basement? If no, then this is who they are. Its as simple as that.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/6/2019 12:05 PM

Preach, puff. With each day that passes, I only feel more strongly that us discarded fucks got the best hand long term. Short term it's a nightmare, especially having to mentally deal with that abrupt reveal that they're actually pieces of selfish narc shit, but emotions are temporary and life structure lasts a lot longer. Being able to restructure our lives into something that doesnt involve relying on them makes us stronger in almost every way.

Edit: We all have to deal with that reveal. You know what I mean, the "I've assessed my life and I have no more use for you" flavor.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 12:24 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Bookgirl posted 10/6/2019 16:00 PM

I agree with you both. I think the initial shock is immeasurable and so hard to deal with. However, the nature of the abandonment forces us to deal with it and become stronger and self sufficient. There’s no choice. I think that tiny window where we might have reconciled being slammed shut is in the long term our good fortune.

burninghouse posted 10/7/2019 20:58 PM

STLLOST, You're not alone. WH came up with ridiculous reasons why I failed him as a partner. At the time I believed him! Now I see he was blaming me for things because he could not face his own failures and unhappiness. People like this just can't face themselves, can't or won't take responsibility, so they choose to blame the ones they harm. It's beyond cruel! Maybe they don't realize the hurt and damage they inflict, but even so it doesn't change the fact that it causes a great deal of pain and damage. Who knows if they will ever get it. So the burden falls squarely on us to move on, rebuild our lives, and heal from trauma. It's a tall order.

WH also had a drinking problem, and like you when I called him out, asked him to quit, cut down, get help, etc. his reply was "don't try to change me!" Someday we'll be glad these people are no our problem. Also a tall order as I still have feelings for him and wish I was way more "meh" but in time I suppose this will come.

Bookgirl, Yes, we'll be experts in no time! I too am surprised at how much I've read and learned on infidelity and trauma. It makes me realize also how much trauma is in the world and how much rug sweeping society does around it. I still can't watch most TV or movies - most of it seems to romanticize, dramatize, or glamorize cheating and trauma in general. I get that gut punch feeling and want to run. More likely to find me with the dogs and out for a walk or more meaningful pursuits these days. I find I also have a lot of empathy for people going through a difficult time.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/8/2019 12:30 PM

This stuff comes one day at a time. It's funny, you realize how shit we are at detecting incremental growth. One day you wake up and feel fine. Much of healing is circumstantial, creating the right conditions for ourselves to get our minds right. Once the ex is truly reduced or removed from our lives, we get to take the crazy train to valhalla with the other wounded warriors, feasting and reminiscing of our battles.

For better or worse, I'm glad I stayed single and didn't immerse myself in any other kinds of distractions.

puffstuff posted 10/10/2019 04:46 AM

revisiting a lot of Jungian shit. the shadow, etc.

twenty minutes when i am in bed at night thinking of all the things that i spend the day avoiding thinking. everything from weird thoughts to violent impulses to shame to terror. let it all swirl around in open consciousness. i definitely wake up in the morning feeling lighter. the old analogy of the further away consciousness pushes the subconscious, the deeper the neurosis.

we are wounded so badly by this. it's incredible, the destruction these glassy eyed freaks cause. it's what i got for falling in love with a profoundly shallow person, whose whole life is just surface.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/10/2019 14:23 PM

I cannot believe that there are so many other people out there that are in my exact situation or worse.

I also cannot believe my ex partner was even capable of cheating on me let alone leaving me after 7 years for someone she had met only 3 weeks prior. She told me she sees a future with him after only knowing him for that short period of time.

I literally cannot comprehend it. I don't think anyone can. I think it is a mental issue that all of our wayward ex's share. They are selfish, cruel and IMO evil to do this to us.

It makes me sick. I don't think I will ever be able to "get over" this let alone forgive. It's agonizing and crazy-making to think about.

puffstuff posted 10/10/2019 16:25 PM

How long since dday myname?

Its horrendous what we go through. All your feelings are validated. Rage, sorrow, confusion. All of them.

I found out in June and its been the hardest few months of my life. This is right up there with death of a child, being raped, war trauma etc. Just the most hideous wretched emotional shit you can go through.

puffstuff posted 10/10/2019 16:29 PM

Have you gone no contact.

It breaks me out in sweats thinking where i could be if i hadnt.

Also, not saying your wife is full on narc (i dont think my wife is, just traits or style), but read about "narcistic discard". Certainly put a lot of things to bed for me.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/10/2019 19:10 PM

Glassy eyed freak is a spot on description. For us, the burden we have to shoulder is dealing with that blindsiding, monumental switching off of all emotions. People like to remind us that our cheaters checked out a long time prior to DDay, and that's most certainly true, but then we have to contend with the fact that these people lied to us for all that time, they suddenly became award winning actors who knew exactly what to say and how to say it in order to keep the wool over our eyes. And then when they decide to end their little stage play, they treat us like we've been natural enemies this whole time and expect us to just lap up the new normal like it ain't no thing. It's such a mindfuck.

I'm a little over a year out from DDay and very close to one year out exactly from the last time I saw her, so I've had a lot of time to get over this. I can finally look back at our time together in a cold, harsh manner and try to decipher just what the fuck happened. We did have good times, but I don't think of those very much because all those "good times" have been completely tainted. Nope, now I mostly remember all those times when she was an awful human being...and yet I stayed. I remember all the times it was obvious that we weren't on the same page...and yet I stayed. I remember all the times I knew I was unhappy and just biding my time with this woman...and yet I stayed. Why did I keep this going for 12 years? Was I desperate? Was I afraid of being alone? Was I just comfortable having someone to share my bills with and have regular sex with? Did I think that this was what a relationship was and felt bound by some kind of Man Code to make it work with her? What the fuck was going through my head all those years???

And the truth it, it's a little from every column. We justify continuing our relationships in a million different ways. A romantic partnership is like a drug addiction. "Just one more score, and I swear thing's will be different, things will change." The score here is that dopamine hit when they fuck you or even just when they snuggle up to you on the couch during a movie and give you that "I love you" look that pierces through all the cynicism you've built up throughout life. You become addicted to the thought that we won't "die alone", because we'll have this person there forever. We've got their back and they've got ours, no problem, us against the world. Bad times arise and you always get through them. Sometimes you learn lessons, but more often than not you just grin and bear it so you can get back to a peaceful status quo, one which may or may not be best for one or both of you.

And so they pull this discard shit and it's like going through drug withdrawal of the harshest kind. I've never done heroin, but I can imagine the withdrawal to be similar to what I went through emotionally following DDay. How the hell can you know deep down that someone is probably wrong for you yet spend MONTHS in an emotional tailspin because they rejected you so soundly and without a second thought or remorse? Part of it's got to be the bruise to your ego, part of it's probably facing the new challenges to your daily routine, but I think the majority of it is this feeling that you won't "die alone" being completely shattered. You realize that no, you ARE alone in this world. You've only got yourself to watch over you and anyone else who throws in a helping hand every now and then is doing so *temporarily*. That kind of reminder, for a social species like us, can pull us into the deepest, darkest pit of despair.

And this is why people say to "focus on yourself" or "don't rush into anything new too fast". You've spent years relying on this backup person, this faithful companion, this unwavering lover, and now you've got to relearn how to be you, *just you*, again in the world. This is a terrifying concept and no wonder people throw themselves under the bus just to stay with a shitty partner. Hey, sometimes that legitimately works out in the long run, and when it does I'm deeply glad for them, but for people like us, we don't get that option. It's an uphill battle from the get with our kind, a seemingly Sisyphean climb awash in panic and desperation. The best thing we can hope for is to enter into Survival Mode and let that invisible hand push us through much of the process, but even then we still feel every bit of pain and anguish along the way.

Finally, one of the worst effects from this whole ordeal is how it utterly destroys your view of love and companionship. I'm almost completely emotionally detached from the concept of cheating. I know several cheaters in my little sphere and I don't knee-jerk judge them for it. I don't bat an eyelash when infidelity pops up in a TV show or movie. My last trigger, people abandoning people (whether spouses or their own kids or whatever), doesn't seem to really bother me anymore. It seems like cheating is just "business as usual" for the human race and there's not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it. But it's not the cheating which fully ruined my view of love--it's the abandonment. People are too quick to cut and run for "greener" pastures and I don't think you can turn the clock back on that. "The grass is greener where you water it."

It's complicated, though. You never know how toxic a relationship is while you're in it, and you can never truly know if that next one, the "better one" is better because it actually is and the two of you are more compatible people, or if you're just trying more in the next one and so the "better partner" is just getting a version of you that isn't such a dickhead. We can quantify these things nor can we scientifically study them very well. It's a fucking crap shoot out there and the only thing we can do is to be the best partner we possibly can be so that when things go tits up, we can at least hold our head up high and go "I did all the right things". I don't think I was the best partner I could've been, and while I don't think I deserved to be cheated on and discarded so swiftly, I do think the whole thing was a boot to the ass to force change that might not otherwise have come. Now, the best thing I can do is make sure the next woman gets an even better version of me, and make sure she's at least 100 times better than that beavertoothed anorexic fuckface I made the mistake of hitching my line to. And really that's all we can do now.

puffstuff posted 10/11/2019 03:53 AM

great post abandoned guy.

so last night we are discussing over text pick up times for hte weekend etc. we have to do this every three days or so - complete silence between such times. (i.e. peace).

we only have and only ever will discuss kids and finances. i have strict no contact rules. i really don't want to end up in a mental institute thank you very much.

anyway, at the end of the one of the texts last night she puts a "X".

ok - well that is deeply unsettling. sent me into a spiral of an hour of pacing and agony and chain vaping.

so eventually i ring her and say: "putting an X at the end of a message is deeply inappropriate given our circumstances and history and I don't appreciate it. Can you please not do that again."

she then went into a spiel - and she could be telling hte truth to be honest - about how it was a genuine mistake. she apologized (wow) and agreed that it wasn't appropriate.

it was one of a handful of boundries i have had to set with her, and like the last ones, i felt incredibly strong afterward - like I had given myself some sort of life force shit. I slept well last night.

christ knows whether she meant the X or not, but at least she knows to not try that shit with me again. and, to her credit, at least there wasnt any more mind fuckery when i pulled her up on it.

all hte bridges are burned wife, don't try any funny business with me.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/11/2019 06:41 AM

While my ex was telling me we were over and sneaking around with this other asshole, she would let slip calling me "honey". I guess we are all slaves to routine. I imagine your ex put X at the end of texts before. It's certainly offputting.

LostandFound75 posted 10/11/2019 08:41 AM

I forget who suggested to Google "narcissist discard" but it brought me to a blog that is incredible. to everyone here, you should check it out....it might explain a few things. The more articles I read the more I understand, and the more the "lightbulb" goes on. I'm actually smiling reading this because it is almost comical how true to life it is and most likely for many of you. Google
"Melanie Tonia Evans Blog"
Sure she is trying to make some money, so there may be popups, but the articles are free.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/11/2019 09:08 AM

How long since dday myname?

It's been about two months since D-Day. I can barely sleep. I can't go five minutes without thinking about her. I love her so much. I miss her so much. I can't believe she could leave me so easily for a loser. She told me she loved me. She told me she can't imagine her life without me. I desperately want to talk to her. But she blocked my number and doesn't want to hear from me. I have been in NC but I broke down and sent her a letter a few weeks back about commitment and how she abandoned me. She told me she's happy now and she's moved on. It hurts so bad. We were about to buy a house together and get married.

She doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings. She just jumped ship for someone she just met and thinks she sees a future with. I desperately hope she realizes how big of a mistake she made and comes crawling back.

puffstuff posted 10/11/2019 11:30 AM

Dude keep reading, here and elsewhere.

This might sound harsh but shes chosen someone else over you. Its really as simple as that. Now is the time to look after YOU. Youre gonna feel bad for a while. Confused. This is heaetbreak in the worst way as there is no closure.

You can try and win her back by whatever means you see fit but just remember that dude it just might not work. The main thing to win back is your own health and happinessm

puffstuff posted 10/11/2019 11:33 AM

Also try the book Lose A Cheater Gain A Life. Its probably the most straight talking (amd accurate book out there) for those of us on this particular discarded Shitty Ship.

puffstuff posted 10/11/2019 11:36 AM

And stick around on this thread, theres some fantastic insightful posters who have gone through this. I am about three months ahead of you

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/11/2019 14:31 PM

Just wanted to confer that was a great post abandonedguy (while my WH has not yet left for the AP I believe that will happen once I am gone - I am staying to finish my contract job and to save money).

Bookgirl posted 10/11/2019 17:12 PM

Abandoned guy. That post really resonated with me too.

burninghouse posted 10/12/2019 12:41 PM

Apologies for the novella, but I just have to get this out.

The complete mindfuck is one of the worst parts. My trust and judgement feel completely demolished. At times I feel so groundless, like a free fall into the abyss. There are small windows, just about daily now, of genuine okay-ness, but going through the D process is highly triggering. Heck, daily life is triggering! The most innocent comments or any small unsuspecting thing can easily set off the inner alarm. Yet the panic seems to have been replaced with an eerie surealness, that my life has somehow disappeared and I've woken up in someone else's weird dream. A whole life gone, just like that! Yet all those fond memories are tainted, ruined. The life I knew and loved dearly turned out to be fake. Did I imagine it? It seemed so real.

There is likely some modicum of guilt these people feel over what they did and how they handled things, but do they really feel anything beyond a twinge that maybe they're not quite the wonderful person they thought they were? Do they just shove that little twinge aside and plow forth like it's nothing? For many months, I had this visual of WH purposefully running me over and speeding off, never even looking in the rear view mirror to see the carnage.

One time we were on the freeway, and a squirrel darted out in front of the car. He couldn't avoid running it over squishing the poor little guy dead. I vividly remember him looking in the rear view mirror back at the squirrel, saying "don't look". But there was no looking back at me. Just sped off in a cloud of dust, tires squealing. It's crazy to feel you are less than roadkill to the one you shared a life with, the one you love and trust the most and who you believed felt the same way about you.

Do they even understand the tiniest bit of what they've done to another human being, let alone the one they claimed to "love and cherish"? WH early on said he "understands" my pain and that I am "not alone". These have got to be some of the most empty words he's ever uttered. That and "I love you" are just words that carry zero meaning, just the pain of the lie. There is nothing there to back up his words. Was I dreaming? Did I make up someone in my head and heart that wasn't real? Did he change? Why? What happened? Where did he go?

Does anyone else experience this? A never-ending line of questions - what happened? how? why? how could they? what kind of person is this? how could I not see it? why am I less than road kill? what happened to the person I married? Sometimes I feel like I'm living inside someone else's night terror without escape.

And if he did this terrible thing, why do I seem to be the one in hell? Yet another question that bothers me to no end.

Of course there is some respite from these thoughts, but this has changed me in some very basic ways. Not all changes are bad. I think I have a lot more compassion for people in general. The little things they do that might have annoyed me previously just don't affect me that way. Sure, I may be bothered but now that I've been to hell, I see the fragility in human existence, how life as you know it can completely change at any given moment. Everyone is vulnerable and they don't even realize it.

Glassy eyed freak is a spot on description. For us, the burden we have to shoulder is dealing with that blindsiding, monumental switching off of all emotions. People like to remind us that our cheaters checked out a long time prior to DDay, and that's most certainly true, but then we have to contend with the fact that these people lied to us for all that time, they suddenly became award winning actors who knew exactly what to say and how to say it in order to keep the wool over our eyes. And then when they decide to end their little stage play, they treat us like we've been natural enemies this whole time and expect us to just lap up the new normal like it ain't no thing. It's such a mindfuck.

This really nails it. So what in the hell goes through the minds of these characters? When WH's "stage mask" fell I was completely shocked. Terrified is the word that best describes the feeling. Who the hell are you??

I realize I will never know his why's and what goes through his mind but it eats at me daily. I try to accept things and let go, but it creeps back in the form of dreams. I have little flashbacks too of the innocently happy times such as when we'd go for our daily walk with the dogs. I felt connected. I felt safe, cozy, loved, fortunate. But none of it was true, not in the way I thought. Everything - a whole life together - destroyed. Crazy.

Always have taken him for his word, even though he told a lot of white lies. Silly me. Didn't think he had it in him to lie about the biggest shit there is and then hide it. Yeah, I trusted him. I mean isn't that what your life partner is supposed to be about: trust, honesty, caring, navigating life together, weathering the ups and downs together, celebrating the good times together? I don't get it.

He is a serial cheater, and I was easy to fool. Who cares if my trust for him is gone, but fuck him for stealing my self-trust. I want it back.

If you made it to the end, thanks for listening.

I appreciate all of you here and this thread where I can get this out. He is pushing for early mediation, and I am triggering. I do not feel emotionally ready to face divorce. It's going to happen soon.

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