I'll be honest. Your post really got to me and upset me, which is weird because I tend to have pretty thick skin. For whatever reason I spent an hour writing and deleting a response to you before finally just going with that. I don't really know why, but whatever.
That said, I want you to clarify this statement:
As "proof," you are now admonishing me because you gave me your cryptic, non-relevant, and incomplete description of your wife's behavior, and I said that's not PD behavior. Really?
This is my description of the behavior I experienced. THe first one I don't explicitly say she was doing this, but it's pretty clearly implied that I'm speaking about stuff I personally saw:
Though if you see some things that they may not know to hide like splitting, the hot/cold behavior, or if they get pretty intense w idolization of you...
That stuff is pretty textbook and IMO is probably the easiest of the behaviors to spot if you have no experience with BPD. I'd like to hear why you think that is not relevant and cryptic.
Here is another one:
she did something that would cause me to abandon her in a way that she could control
Again, I thought that was pretty unambiguous that I was talking about infidelity here, especially given the context of this website. And abandonment issues is one of the hallmarks of BPD per my therapist.
For me, I think I'd be more in tune to some of the "positives" that can come from dating someone with BPD. And yes, there are positives or things about her that I liked that were the direct result of her yet to be diagnosed BPD.
I think this is probably one where you're right in that it's at least cryptic. But then again I felt that this was a support thread for people who have been in a relationship with BPD, so I figured maybe some people would relate to it in their own way. I am an adrenaline junkie, and I thought it was really cool I was dating someone who could keep up with me there. I didn't actually say this to help maintain my privacy. There are more, but that was one of the big ones.
I wasn't badgered, I was encouraged to have friends, she didn't rage at me, didn't gaslight, etc.
This is just me sharing some of the stuff that I did not experience. Though I would really want to emphasize the "at me". She raged at a lot of people close to her.
I did occasionally see lability directed towards her parent(s) and to a lesser extent coworkers. For the most of the relationship she prevented me from seeing her exhibit the full extent of the craziness. It occasionally slipped out, but it really was never in front of me until we moved in together.
Again, emotional lability is pretty textbook. What I didn't say is that a lot of the rage was directed towards her mother, which per my therapist is pretty textbook for BPD. I've never actually talked about her hiding her symptoms, though the big thing she did in hindsight is that she kept it to texts and emails whenever I was around at first.
That's when I finally saw the rage, the self-biting (which she can cover up very, very well w makeup), the emotional whiplash towards her parents, and all the classic behaviors.
Ok, all this stuff is pretty textbook. I had already mentioned the rage and emotional whiplash (but used a different name), but this time I also mentioned self harm. She also threatened suicide two times in the several days time between DDay and when I told her I was done.
During that time she made a big show about bringing a chef's knife into the bathtub in front of me along with a ton of alcohol, and I had to take it away from her without harming either of us. As someone who has actually been suicidal before, that was a really tough experience for me and I don't like talking about it. This is the first time I've ever shared this with anyone other than my therapist. Not even my psychiatrist knows about that one, though I basically only speak with them for 25 min once every 4-12 weeks depending on how I'm doing.
It was never directed towards me during our almost 3 year relationship. I have my suspicions as to why - I have superficial traits that made her look good along with my particular brand of codependency.
It's fair to say that this is cryptic. But what I'm specifically talking about is that I'm conventionally attractive, I went to one of the best undergrads and grad schools in the US, I had a very good job, and I do a "cool" sport at a very high level. My parents are affluent and successful. I'm from a small town/community that is very well known for being affluent. These are all really, really fucking obnoxious things to say, so I tried to get the idea across without being a dick about it. But they are relevant because they explain why I was able to stay in the idolization side of things for so long.
But going back to my stuff about not making a diagnosis. I was concerned that someone would see that I mentioned that my ex had a real BPD diagnosis, see my surface level description of some of her behaviors, and then begin to think that someone in their life meets that particular diagnostic criteria as a result of my bare bones descriptions. Given that I knew I was barely going into her symptoms, I was worried there would be real world damage.
So yeah, when I hear you say shit like "that just sounds like self loathing" or "that doesn't sound like BPD behavior" I get mildly annoyed. But then you say:
You tell people - who are interacting everyday at an intimate level with a crazy person - not to make diagnoses
like I have not dealt with someone who has BPD. Given the two quotes above, I'd go as far to say that you're directly implying it.
At first I was really surprised by the anger and vitriol. I just couldn't understand where it came from. But now that I think about it (and I've thought about it a lot over the last 15 hours), it's the only way to explain it - like "who the fuck is this guy to tell people not to think their spouses have BPD when he hasn't seen shit".
Honestly, if you actually can admit that you were thinking this I will have some respect for you, though I probably won't be back here to read it.
You need to remember that you are dealing with real humans. Your words can impact their thoughts and feelings. Your words have consequences. A disproportionate amount of people here have other issues can make these consequences literally implicate life or death. Thankfully, in spite of my anger here, I'm in a relatively good place compared to where I've been before. Infidelity and in some cases the loss of what was believed to be a lifelong romantic partnership is already hard enough.
Are things clear for you now?