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Spouses/Partners with Personality Disorders

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xhz700 posted 2/20/2018 14:17 PM

Bipolar disorder means that his brain chemistry is all out of whack, and it affects his moods, possibly a lot.

If that is truly what is going on, medication and therapy will do wonders.

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/20/2018 16:54 PM

After reading some online it is shocking to me that I could live with this person for 16 years and not realize this. Then agaiin, after reading it it sounds right. Too right. He has started meds.

I just donít know how I feel about all of this. I can look back and see the struggle now. I tried so hard and had so much endurance and endured so much. I never gave up. I kept at it. I tried my best to get through to him. There were so many things I didnít understand. I took it so very personal. It has affected me so deepl. In his lows he was cruel. He didnít care aboubt my needs.He made me feel so small and etched away at my self esteem. He would blame me for his bad mood. Itís so hard to sit here and think it wasnít me after all that was failing all the time. Itís sonhwrs to think about how I didnít even suspect a major issue and now I see it. Now that I have read about it there were so many many many signs.

xhz700 posted 2/21/2018 14:38 PM

Did this behavior cycle, come and go for long periods of time, or was it like he could snap at any time?

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/21/2018 19:06 PM

Cycles for sure. They would vary. Sometimes it may have been a week, other times over a month, and then I would end up confronting him and he would kind of snap out of it He would blame it on work stress...kids...or me. The worst is when he was cheating. I donít remember much time up during his LTA or right before. He started privately drinking again first to cope. Then he started the A I think he would break it off when he came up but then go back to it. Most of the time he was down for the last couple of years. I think he just stayed low. Itís hard to look back at all of this.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 7:09 PM, February 21st (Wednesday)]

xhz700 posted 2/23/2018 14:28 PM

Even fast cycling bipolar has cycles of longer than a month. It's definitely possible that he is going to end up with a pd diagnosis.

That was the final straw for me for sure, learning what it was, and that it wouldn't get better.

I say stick around and see if the medication helps.

Lavender0916 posted 3/28/2018 09:38 AM

Hi all,
Wow, so many of your stories are dead on to mine. My STBXSAWH was ritually abused as a child. So I started in the sexual abuse, then moved to sexual addiction due too many behaviors there...now here.

My IC said although not officially diagnosed with BPD. The behaviors are spot on. He already dissociates...DID. I have seen 4 parts. 5-if you include his adult part. That part is long gone.

So technically many behaviors of BPD mimic that of a teenager.

I am so glad to be here. I do go to CODA 12 step meetings but it wasn't until I read "your sexually addicted spouse" did i see more traits of being traumatized than codependent. We are creatures of habit. When our relationship was young, I remember being stronger and standing up for myself and feelings. However over time and those emotional outbursts when just asking your spouse to pick up after themselves wears on you. To the point I could not ask anymore. You get institutionalized. That is trauma. There is a saying. The flogging will continue until morality improves. I think those of us married/separated/divorced to BPD completely understand that. As long as you agree with them life goes merrily. Which is completely insane!!
Yes I do have FOO crap and EMDR sessions have helped me incredibly.

We just started the D process. I am scared, but you all have given me hope. Alot of what I need to let go of. Like maybe the house. He refuses to leave, so may need to sell. Etc..


honesttoafault posted 3/28/2018 16:44 PM

Lavender: I can really relate to your post.

You get institutionalized. That is trauma. There is a saying. The flogging will continue until morality improves

I can really relate to your post!

My mother has sooo many BPD traits (it has been suggested by my IC and a few others that she is)
stbxWH has many traits, although more NPD.

I liked how you said "you get institutionalized". You do get used to the craziness and do become codependent.

I have found the best way to deal is NC. It takes a long time, but that's when the healing can start.

Lavender0916 posted 3/29/2018 18:35 PM

We have 3 kids together. The youngest is 6. He already is a vacant/deadbeat parent. Hardly ever does anything with the kids, except when HE needs something. Never home...this was before I found out about the AP.

My youngest DD is already exhibiting abandonment issues. Afraid to be alone in any room of the house thinking I may leave her too. GOD I HATE HIM!!!

Speaking of, Easter is a time of forgiveness and spring renewal. That will take some time.

Would love to go NC, very hard when he won't leave the house. I would move out but do not want my credit affected since he won't pay for any bills. I do leave when I can if he is home. Most of the time he is speaking to the kids. Even though it's contradictory or opposite of what he told me. Does not remember his own lies. Ass

honesttoafault posted 3/29/2018 18:53 PM

Lavender: This is the time that you use to make your exit plan, even if it might be a couple of years from now. A fellow SI member I know went back to school, got a job, and planned the D and left.

If he is being emotionally abusive to you and the kids, you may have to make that plan as soon as you can.

The emotional abuse is wearing and it's not good for you or the kids. Hang in there.

Lavender0916 posted 4/2/2018 21:48 PM

Thanks Honest,
I do have my exit plan. Ironically, my buyout of the house maybe less than I expect. Or we sell. My girlfriend in real estate is always looking for tax breaks and may go in on a duplex with him. He told me tonight he just wanted a small place for himself and a bedroom for the kids if they decide to stay. I communicated via email (so no room for miscommunication) and on phone today about next steps for the divorce process. He actually reached out to our oldest DD feeling remorseful. So they are getting together for dinner. He had the nerve to tell me he still loves me today. I do not reciprocate at all. Here goes the cycle again. Pump up, pump up, pump up...and then boom - down. Ack...

My aunt who I do not speak with for the same reasons as my STBX - Wanted something from me in a hurry then acted like an ass on the 3 txt. I almost did not do it for her until I responded with a Text that was on a similar level. She backed down and actually said thank you! Man, and explained she is completely stressed by this brokerage company and taxís. Sigh..at least i got a thank you. Luckily she does not know about my pending D. Yuck

I am overwhelmed and all of this crazy talk made me nauseous tonight. Want to sleep til morning.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/4/2018 21:17 PM

So I understand that people have mental illness. But the problem with these titles are that it often allows people to suddenly use it as a crutch and not be held accountable for the things they do and say. I think itís too convenient that suddenly they can say well I really wasnít talking it was the bpd... sooo if you killed someone it wasnít you but the bpd.. nope I donít buy it.
These Waywards know exactly what they are doing does it make it easier to do them. Yes. But itís still them doing and they know right from wrong. I wouldnít allow it as an excuse. You treat me bad because you allow yourself to do it. I want to go on a rampage and do lots of stupid things but Iím not going to because I will be held accountable. I want to post things on FB about that whore that ruined my life my family but I donít. And Yes I had moments of insanity where I just went off but I knew it was wrong even while doing it but my anger got the better of me. But it doesnít mean I can blame a disorder or illness on my behaviour. That unfortunately is on me.
So donít accept their behavior because of their disorder. They still need to be held accountable.

redfury posted 4/6/2018 17:46 PM

So I understand that people have mental illness. But the problem with these titles are that it often allows people to suddenly use it as a crutch and not be held accountable for the things they do and say. I think itís too convenient that suddenly they can say well I really wasnít talking it was the bpd... sooo if you killed someone it wasnít you but the bpd.. nope I donít buy it.

In my experience, that's not how it works. My ex, while having the diagnosis, would never admit to actually having BPD. That would imply that there is something wrong with him, and he's not about to do that. He's gone as far as 'I can see where you might think that' when in Hoover mode, but always then went on to explain why I was wrong. A personality disorder is not something that comes and goes, it is who they are. So it can never be an excuse. That would be like saying "I'm not mean, I just have a mean personality"

redfury posted 4/7/2018 10:21 AM

I swear, it's like we are psychically connected. I finished with court. I got all my stuff out of his house. I was moving forward. I still think about him every day, but not as often and it's not as hard. But yesterday I found myself lost in thoughts of him. I was posting on SI more than I had in months. And last night I hear from both him and his sister. Shit has hit the fan. The house he lives in, where we both used to live, is owned by his mother. She purchased it as a wedding gift for us with the intention that we would buy it from her after we had time to save up a down payment. Well, apparently he has not paid rent in the 5 months since I left so she decided to sell the place and is giving him 30 days to vacate. His response was to go into full attack mode. He is going to the real estate board and trying to get her license revoked (he says he has dirt on her, but I can't imagine what). He also says he is going to report his sister for Medicaid fraud so she will lose care for her chronic heart condition.

I heard from his sister because she is freaking out. Told her not to worry. Whatever dirt he thinks he has is likely all in his mind. I heard from him I suppose because he is looking for sympathy and for me to go into care taker mode. I didn't respond (just like I didn't respond to the letter he left me 2 weeks ago when I got the last of my stuff or the ones he left on my door in the weeks before that). It was all very surreal, but I didn't trigger. Not my circus, not my monkeys. So happy to have my freedom.

Lavender0916 posted 4/7/2018 10:46 AM

Great codep recovery there Red!! I am wondering what he wrote in the letters?

I ask because when I was at my lowest (the ball on the floor in the bedroom crying my eyes out) he was an ass. No remorse, fled more etc.. Now, 7 months later I will get random texts i still love you, sorry for the mess I put u through...etc. my IC says to ignore it. I just acknowledge with a thank you. I get pissed I am so nice to him!!

We still have IHS and he is dragging ass on the D ppwk. So he comes and goes when he pleases. Was gone since Tuesday evening. Lies to me that he was working shifts(with OW) and coming "home" tonight around midnight.

I am still emotionally exhausted and it's hard to clean the house let alone move with the D. Plus I just hate being around him to have to negotiate anything with the D.

I have 3 kids so sleeping hasn't been a luxury and they are all traumatized by this crap too. One day at a time I guess.

believehalf posted 4/11/2018 16:23 PM

Maybe this is the place to post. My husband is in therapy going on 3 years. In a nutshell some of his thoughts donít match reality. That is what he and his therapist talk about - thoughts vs reality. I do not believe sheís given a diagnosis but he comes back to this once in a while. when heís feeling like I may walk out and never come back. He doesnít say it often but it seems sincere what heís grasping at. His thoughts vs reality. I kind of have been leaning towards compulsive liar.

Lavender0916 posted 4/19/2018 20:40 PM

Welcome believehalf,

In my STBXSAWHís case, he is an compulsive liar. He is still doing it, but itís actually a different reality. My STBX has dissociative identity disorder. He is very ďunĒ integrated right now and he will be 2-3 different personalities within the hour. I have seen it. Scary.

The thing is, when he goes to say the teen part or protector he gets an amesnia barrier. Teen will threaten child not to say anything and lie; or just not realize it really happened. His reality is he is working, when teen is out with OW. When he becomes a different part he will not remember he was with her and 3 -4 hrs just vanish. The teen rewrites the story and he is at work. It is freaky.

The other spin on this is the classic - what we feel is socially acceptable or taught. Like itís ok to cheat when you are not getting what you need at home. Sickening...

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 8:41 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]

Surprised87 posted 4/26/2018 15:57 PM

I'm posting here hoping to seek advice. My wife a few days ago was diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. She had been seeing a psychiatrist since her emotional break down after our daughter's passing at the end of August last year. After her antidepressants had stabilized her, at the urging of her IC encouraged her to make a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist to further address her mental health where she finally got a diagnosis which really puts a lot of her personality over the years into perspective.

She has always been dramatic and attention seeking. SHe craved and loved the attention the other man gave her. It had nothing to do with me not providing her enough attention, she just ate up that anyone found her attractive. She flirted and got satisfaction. When he stopped giving her attention, she got emotionally vulnerable. When he threatened to expose her, and he became mean and no longer feeding her attention seeking ways, she fell apart.

Add in me finding out, the pregnancy, daughter's death, grief, etc she just fell apart. Now that things are starting to look up and she genuinely wants to be a better person, partner and mother to our girls, I feel optimistic. But having a diagnosis is both relieving and scary. I don't know what to expect.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 3:58 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

marji posted 4/26/2018 18:11 PM

Have you spoken with her therapist--with her approval of course. That person might be the very best one to help you understand and have an idea of what to expect. But it sounds like you and your W are on the way to recovery. She is fortunate to have such a caring, loving partner. I suspect she knows that.

redfury posted 4/26/2018 21:48 PM

@Surprised, I don't want to scare you, but I think you should be prepared for her to remain pretty much the same. Personality disorders are notoriously hard to treat, there are many who say they can't be treated. It's great that you are supportive, but don't allow this diagnosis to be an excuse for her to continue hurting you.

Surprised87 posted 4/26/2018 23:57 PM

I haven't personally talked to my wife's therapist and I don't plan too. She shares a lot of what she talks about but I don't want to in any way derail her sessions. There has been great progress.

Redfury, I am trying to find that balance. Because the last four months have been really good. My wife has been trying really hard. Now that she is getting to a better place, I'm starting to really focus on myself. She is supportive and is making a conscious effort even before the diagnosis to be a better person.

We are technically separated, and there are no guarantees we'll get back together. I for sure won't stand for anymore lying or cheating. So far I haven't caught her or suspected anything since. But it's been one thing after another since, so it might not have been on her mind. I'm realistic and hope it doesn't happen again. But it's taking one day at a time.

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