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DDay was July 17th of this year. One of the men my wife was cheating with texted me. She denied it at first and then admitted it. It took me a while and she eventually admitted to sleeping with five different men she met on Craigslist (most of them numerous times) from February to July.

So now it’s December and we’re still together. She hasn’t physically cheated since July, but she did masturbate in a private video message on Instagram for a man in another country in October. She stopped messaging men on Instagram but continues to post revealing pictures there and admits she likes men oogling her. I have cried so many times and contemplated suicide. I still don’t think she fully feels bad for what she did. She claims she didn’t love the guys she slept with. Now she freaks out if I bring up the affairs. Can we really reconcile?

[This message edited by MrChump at 2:09 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

Hi mrchump, no one can answer that question for you unfortunately.

Your WW sounds unremorceful and is still actively wayward. As long as you keep allowing her to treat you this way she will. This isn’t R.

I’m so sorry you are depressed and the suicidal part worries me. Do you have a support network or someone you can trust? You need some time to heal alone where she can’t continue to abuse you.

Has your WW always been this way? Is she seeking IC? Are you? I really urge you to seek some support in real life and keep posting.

I have to agree that she doesnt appear to be remorseful. Are either of you in IC?

[This message edited by 1survivor at 6:00 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

Do you want to reconcile?

You can stay together, but why do you want to reconcile with a woman who has no respect for you? How does this benefit you?

You have cried over what she has done, let her know how her actions make you feel. Yet she persists in bringing other people into your marriage and continues to do what she knows hurts you. What makes you believe this woman is good for you? Deserving of you? Is this how you want to be treated in your marriage? If not, you need to set some clear limits on her and follow through, Mr. She is unlikely to stop until you give her a very clear reason to do so. Crying and pleading only emboldens her and feeds her need for attention. The only chance you have with her is take a firm and unshakeable stand for yourself. Make her respect you. And then decide if you even want this type of woman as your life partner. No easy choices, and for that my heart hurts for you, MrChump.

Can we really reconcile?

why would you want to?

just run from her. She doesn't deserve someone like you.

No. No you can't. That is, if she does not make an astoundingly radical change and make herculean efforts to fix her significant brokenness, then no, you can't reconcile. Oh, you can stay together, live together for however long you can endure the crazy, but it will not be a reconciliation. It is not impossible. But that your WW is not only still doing it, but arguing why continuing should not be a problem is as broke as broke can get.

The question is, how realistic do you think it is for your wife to seek Individual Counseling, become humble and remorseful, and never ever do anything close to what she is doing, again? How likely is that, that will help you know how likely R is.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:15 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

Before reconciliation, she has to become a FORMER wayward spouse.

If she is still cheating on you, there is no reconciliation.

Cheating at this point would be pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable in the marriage with regards to this... Online, photo sharing, etc is still cheating if it's part of the same problem, and if it's destroying you this way.

She claims she didn’t love the guys she slept with.

That's not the point and is just an excuse to try and make you accept the unacceptable. She is trying to manipulate you (and it seems to be working).

Now she freaks out if I bring up the affairs.

This is yet more manipulation and control. It is abusive.

I still don’t think she fully feels bad for what she did.

She doesn't. What she is displaying is regret -- she is sorry for herself. She is sorry that she has to deal with her secrets being uncovered. She is sorry that she has to deal with you interrupting the path that she wants to take.

I'll go a step further -- her actions look like they could add up to her being a SA (sex addict). She isn't sorry because she is continuing to pursue getting a "high" through whatever means possible. You can't fix that. Even the best therapist in the world can't fix that. She needs to get to a point where she sees herself as broken and wants to change. The odds of this happening aren't high and, as a result, the level of hope for your marriage right now aren't very good.

I have cried so many times and contemplated suicide.

Everything she has been doing speaks of a lack of love and respect for you. You NEED to be treated with love and respect, especially within a marriage. You've not only felt the pain that is telling you that your needs are being trampled on, but you've seen where the toxic situation you are in can lead to. This is your sign that you need to make a change for your own well being.

I've been where you are. It is absolutely awful. I know how suicide can feel like a viable option and the only escape. I actually reached the point where I started to carry out my plan to end my life, so I know the depth of despair. It isn't the answer. Is isn't even the right issue. What you need to face at the moment is why you are continuing to accept the continued extreme lack of love and respect. That is behind the depth of your pain and why suicide seems like a viable escape.

I'd highly recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to help you see the cycle you are trapped in as a way to gain some perspective and strength. Seeing that you are a valuable, worthwhile, loving, unique person who is being taken advantage of is an important step for your own health. You need to see that the situation you are in is toxic and that trying to be loving, patient and kind is only enabling your wife to mistreat you even more. The only person you can control is yourself, so put your time and effort into where you can have an impact.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 7:41 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

MrChump,

The lack of respect I really worry about is the apparent lack of respect you have for yourself. You sound like a good guy who doesn't give himself credit for being a good guy.

But you want one type of M, and your W wants another, and the type of M she wants sounds pretty unhealthy to me.

I suggest IC with a goal of finding and enhancing your self-respect and self-love.

Also, since you're having so much trouble detaching from your W, I suggest doing the simplified 180 (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080).

You may see a 'bull's eye' next to the title of the thread. Note that there are a number of bull's-eyed threads in JFO on the first and second pages of thread titles. I urge you to peruse those threads; I think they might help you.

I think there's a lot of hope for you, if you find your self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem. If you get started on that work, I think you'll clearly see what path to take.

Oh, yeah -

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Her.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:07 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

I think a lot of the problem has to do with lack of respect for myself and lack of self esteem. It makes me feel worthless that she would cheat on me, which has made my level of self worth go down to zero.

I am going to check out the recommended forums and books.

Also, the "D E T A C H" thing is one of the things I needed to hear. So really there is no way I can change her? The hard thing is I know that's true. I've tried so much and she just doesn't seem to care.

About a month after D-day she was having very sexual private message conversations with men on Instagram and I told her to choose between Instagram and me and she wouldn't stop. She knew I was bluffing because she had no consequence for not leaving Instagram.

So really there is no way I can change her?

No. No possible way whatsoever. There are no right words that you can say that will change her. You can't reach her. That is out of your hands. You can change yourself, however.

Dude. Get out before she kills you.

There is a chance she will change on her own, if there were actual consequences for her actions. Hurting you is a consequence she is okay with, so it has to be tougher - that can start with the 180, detaching yourself emotionally.

Divorce papers are a good way to wake someone up too, even if your ultimate goal is to save the marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

But your primary motive now is get your feet back underneath you. Once you understand you will be fine with or without her, I imagine you will see a change in her — but If you don’t, then you’re covered moving forward solo.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:35 AM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

Hurting you is a consequence she is okay with, so it has to be tougher

In a sense, shouldn't that be the major dealbreaker? If she's okay with hurting you, doesn't that say quite a lot about this person you're married to?

Also, there is the fact that she won't let me talk to any of my family about the affair. I've told a few close friends, but she doesn't want our families knowing (with the exception of her sister who she is close to).

Go see an attorney and file for D.

She might wake up, she might not.

But you will get out of infidelity and get respect back.

MrChump, please do yourself a huge favor: Dump this woman like a bad habit. She is not marriage or even relationship material. I usually say if you have kids consider R. But in this case as you are describing, kids or no kids you need to get out right away!

I'm trying hard to not use disrespectful words toward your WW because I don't want to further affect your self esteem but this is not a woman for you.

I'm a strong believer that people don't really change that much. They do what they desire and then get caught and then try to control themselves. Sometimes that control effort is noted and we make exceptions. But clearly, she has no self control and she is what she is. Let her be what she wants to be. She will cheat again and her ability for deception (her mastery) will become better over time and you won't have a clue what she is doing. She could be with 100 other guys before "death do you part." DON'T LET THIS GO ANY FURTHER!

[This message edited by devastated43 at 12:42 PM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

Also, there is the fact that she won't let me talk to any of my family about the affair

How is she stopping you? Are you being held hostage, and duct taped to a chair in the basement?

Seriously, stop allowing her to control you.

See a lawyer, learn your rights. You need this knowledge, remember, knowledge is power.

See your Dr. get STD tested if you haven't. She sounds quite broken, and participating in risky behaviors.

Stop doing the pick me dance. You will never win. When she sees you are strong enough to walk away she may wake up, but if she doesn't she wasn't worthy of you in the first place.

((((And Strength))))