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Before I gave them to her she was hard line " I want to proceed with the divorce, I don't want to be with you blah blah blah" when she saw the packet and I went thru it line by line she began to cry. she knows she fucked up because she said she can't afford to move out, and can't support herself. I told her to let him support her.

Seriously, the only way to proceed and make any progress is to have a lawyer serve her with papers and move forward with the divorce.

Until you have that truly remorseful wife standing in front of you, who sees the OM as a POS and feels the pain she caused there is no other path.

Meet with a lawyer this week or early next and ask that the papers be drawn up. The process can take a while so if the remorseful wife finally shows up you can pause the process then and try to work on it.

But right now that person doesn't exist so no matter what happens with the military, this is between you and her and the message she is giving you loud and clear is "I am in love with someone else"

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:11 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

She doesn't have to be served. In Ky there is a waiver. All she has to do is sign the packet and I file. She agreed to all the stipulations I put in the packet, just need signatures and notarized, then I file. In the county I live in the family court judge gives no quarter to cheaters because she was cheated on. She always asks if there is any adultery even though it's no fault.

So have her sign them now. Like this instant

I'm surprised you haven't gotten advice to tell your kids. Arent they teenagers. Find Dr. Harley's guide to informing your children in an age appropriate manner. I'm also surprised they haven't figured this out. Their mother is destroying their family. Keeping them in the darl at this point is tantamount to you being complicit in your wife's deception. They will hold it against you that you are lying to them. They have a right to know and many have problems later on knowing /thinking neither parent can be trusted.

GW,

As bad as she has treated me thru out this I still shave very strong feelings for her...... I flip flop between saying fuck it and trying to fix it.

There's nothing wrong with staying. As long as you stay for the right reasons and you've determined that your wife is a fully remorseful and safe partner for you. Unfortunately, she's nowhere near that point today. She's still wrapped up in the A.

Go back and read my post about the 180 and what it's designed for. It's not to kill her affair or punish her. It's to benefit you. To show you that you will be okay, with her or without her. To help you detach. So that when you do make the decision to stay with her or leave, you are doing so from a position of strength and not from fear.

For now, follow up with the military and check what's going on with your complaint. Get yourself an attorney and move along with your process. Keep to the 180. After all that you'll see pretty quickly whether she sticks with AP or not. And if she doesn't and comes back to you, is it because she's remorseful or are you just Plan B?

That's why you need to be good to yourself and get your head clear and calm. Because this shit is hard and evaluating your wife and where she's at is not easy.

One day at a time. No big decisions.

1) 180

2) Attorney

3) Military

You got this.

Before I gave them to her she was hard line " I want to proceed with the divorce, I don't want to be with you blah blah blah" when she saw the packet and I went thru it line by line she began to cry. she knows she fucked up because she said she can't afford to move out, and can't support herself. I told her to let him support her.

Let her know she is welcome to be with OM but not under your roof. That if she chooses to continue the affair she needs to leave. Talk about her moving into the apartment to make the transition easier on you and the kids. That she could do the rest of the month there and then move in with a friend or family member. If she REALLY wants this divorce that's the quickest way to do it.

Have you tried sitting her down and having a firm talk about divorce. What she thinks it's going to look like? Does she plan to move there? She knows that your son can't take change so he should stay, and it's best for the kids to stay together. When and what does she plan to tell the kids? It should be a factual talk (you get an idea of her foggy plan) not a convincing talk where to explain how little her "plan" makes sense.

I know you don't want to get a divorce but ... acting indifferent to get an idea of where her head is and letting her know you don't plan to wait this out might be your best plan of attack.

We all know she is living in a fantasy right now. She wants things to go back to how they were before you knew she was having an affair. Cake eat. She doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't want to give up OM either.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:56 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

As bad as she has treated me thru out this I still shave very strong feelings for her...... I flip flop between saying fuck it and trying to fix it.

yeah, yeah, you can always decide to fix it, but later, after the divorce, after you have some time to get some distance and perspective.

follow up with the military and check what's going on with your complaint.

Did they say they would keep you informed, or do you need to hint you're calling your Congressman or higher ups? I'd think they would not want this getting out of hand or up the ladder.

So have her sign them now. Like this instant

Sharkman speaks wisdom.

This, brother, is the key to getting out of where you are now. You asked earlier about how to best speed up the inevitable breakup of the STBXWW and POSOM. Well this is it.

In the days after my dday I quickly came to terms with three things that I believe apply to your situation.

1, My wife wasn't who I thought she was. I loved the person I thought she was, not this person who could give a wet fart about me and our family. I had to face an mourn that loss. Grieve for something that has died.

2, The fastest way I could end her affair with her POSOM was to end my marriage. Seriously, it was obvious he wanted to 'win' but wasn't all that interest in taking home the 'prize'. He was 500 miles away, and she had this fantasy that they could both move in a mutually desirable location. She moved, guess what he did .

3. Financially, the POSOM was in a way my best friend for a time. I moved quickly to D while she was distracted, wanted out, and was very agreeable to just get it done. If I would have waited another six months the attorneys wold have gotten it all.

BTW I understand the emotional see-sawing between wanting to be divorce yesterday and wanting to work it out with someone you have loved for so long. Been there. See point number 1 above.

Best of luck

[This message edited by antlered at 9:48 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

She has no plan whatsoever. She is doing all of this on the fly, blind. She had the balls to say she'd need to stay here after the divorce until she could afford to move out. She has no plans to move to him, because he's not ready for that and won't be for a long time , so she told a friend. All he wanted was a shit of ass, he could give a shit what's happening now. He doesn't want kids, so I guess her plan was to wait four or five years here until they hit 18, then run to Romeo. I'm calling the military back this afternoon. This fucker is supposed to sneak up here in October, but hopefully they have him on lockdown by then. If not and I see him...........but in reality his ass is not worth the trouble.

gives no quarter

Thanks for the new saying. I'm not military and never heard this before. Had to look it up.

She doesn't have to be served. In Ky there is a waiver.

That's very interesting. Now I understand.

So look, as I said, you cannot reconcile with a WW that is not remorseful. I wish you could. I wish she was and was so ashamed as to what she has done. She's not today. She may never get there.

So keep pushing for her to sign.

And Walloped is right, reread and do all parts of the 180. It will help you feel better, improve your outlook and give you hope.

Are you in IC? If not start work to get in it.

As for the kids, I agree to an age appropriate message. If they are 13-18or older they should be told that WS is in love with someone else because they will probably find out some other way and then be mad you didn't tell them.

Younger then maybe just an understanding that mom and dad love them but can't be together any more but that you'll both be in their lives.

Best if you can tell them together but if she won't then it may fall on you.

The message I would recommend to WW which I'm sure you have given already many times is "im devastated you have chosen to take this path and that you love someone else and not me. I cannot reconcile with you when want to be with him and not me. It's time then that we end this marriage so we can both pursue our own happiness."

Then leave it there and 180.

I and I know many here really feel for you and really want to ease your pain. I really think this approach will help.

You need to get her to sign the papers today. If she doesn't sign them today then you need to be in a lawyer's office tomorrow.

I don't give a crap what KY law is, these are all questions that need to be answered by your legal counsel. We can give you advice and encouragement but ONLY a lawyer can answer 'how do I get her out of here legally and ASAP'

Also, now is the time to put it in second gear.

Get a status from the Navy--and suggest you'll talk to both the press and your congressional delegation if no action is being taken.

Bump it up.

You want to shatter the fantasy NOW, whether you R or D.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:58 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

Timing is everything for you. if you have her willing to sign then the others are right you need to do it now and push forward as quickly as you can on getting it filed. You can always tall after its filed but the sooner you lock her down the better.

Don't talk about where she can stay before she signs. Just focus on getting her to sign. After the divorce is well on its way you can decide if you want her in the same house as you. I personally would have her leave as quickly as possible. She already chose the other guy over you. There is no point in suffering with her around and watching her build her life without you when you could be focused on healing yourself.

Gw5263 - "In the county I live in the family court judge gives no quarter to cheaters because she was cheated on. She always asks if there is any adultery even though it's no fault."

DITTO. KY is 'no fault' but the judge in my county also asked if adultery was committed. When he determined that my ex was a cheater, I retained everything. She literally got nothing; no kids, no money, nothing. She left in her car with a suitcase; that was it. I should feel bad but it felt to good; so I don't!

As 'Sharkman' said, have her sign now/immediately. Stop delaying. Divorce is a tool; it doesn't have to be permanent; you can always re-marry if things change. And don't allow her to live in your house. Make it real for her. She changes her name back to maiden and she moves out as soon as you get the final decree.

As time goes on and you delay, there's less and less chance of her turning. You have to move swiftly while she's disoriented. Force decisions and action upon her. Push her out the door. You have to be decisive and take all control and hope away from her. Push her into a no-win situation. Force her and the OM's collective hands. Don't give them time to regroup. If he doesn't pull through for her, she may start seeing him as unreliable. But she won't see it as long as you are supporting her and giving the OM time to get his ducks in a row. You have to defeat this now, not later.

She's possibly gone regardless of what you do but at least take the necessary steps to force her and the OM into their worst-case scenario. It will force reality upon her and hopefully let her see the OM for who he really is.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 11:16 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

She has no plan whatsoever. She is doing all of this on the fly, blind. She had the balls to say she'd need to stay here after the divorce until she could afford to move out. She has no plans to move to him, because he's not ready for that and won't be for a long time , so she told a friend.

You are right. Her plan is to live with you as "room mates" until either he sweeps her away or the kids graduate... It's a bad plan unless you

consider that's what she is doing, and has been doing since you moved back in.

How much does your WW normally contribute to the house, food, phone, gas... If you are living as room mates I'd expect her to be picking up more than her own tab. After what she put you through (having you move out because of "marriage problems" that turned out to mean... My boyfriend didn't like me living with my husband.) she has a lot of gall to say she wants to be room mates after the divorce. Who would want a room mate that put them through that crap?

I'd give her the NC with OM or go be with him speech. That she is fine to continue her affair with OM but not as your wife and not while living at the house. Legally you can't make her move out (talk to a lawyer) but you can suggest it. And let her know that you are not waiting around for her. If she says "he isn't ready" reminder her that she is willing to give up a 17 year marriage for him... the least he can do is GET READY.

Lets talk about letting the kids know. I'm not sure what's best for your son with out better knowledge of his abilities but...

You're daughter is 16. She should be told. Your mother and I are getting a divorce because has decided she does not love me anymore and has been dating another man.

Your thinking... what if she becomes damaged because I told her. Or I don't want to kill the image she has of her mother. First off her mother did this. Second off, she is probably either aware of what is going on or her mother has been lying to her about you and OM. Third she has a right to know the truth when her mom is using her to spy on you. Forth, not telling is you protecting your WW. You don't want her to figure it out on her own, or blame herself, or believe some lie her mother told her. ... you get it, I could go on and on.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:24 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

Thanks for all the input guys! I have to work 16 hour night shifts Fri Sat Sun because its Labor Day weekend and the arrest rate will be crazy. I'm off Monday and so is she so that is a perfect day for us to have a long ass discussion about, as I heard a guy say, what's up with the what's up. She's gonna sign whether she's ready or not and we both will tell the kids about moms escapades. Enough of this shit.

I agree with Shark and the others, if you can get her to sign, do so ASAP. If at some point you should lose you mind and reconsider this woman, she needs to get in line with your other potential future prospects, the back of the line with her baggage.

Stay on course!

"Enough of this shit" is absolutely right.

Your wife is willing to sacrifice her husband and family for a POS, but the POS won't sacrifice shit for her--most certainly not his career.

Have her sign, and stay on point with the Navy.

You don't need to wait until Monday and you most certainly do not need a long talk.

'Here are the divorce papers, I am 100% unwilling to be in an open marriage. If you do not sign these then I am prepared other alternate legal avenues to get out of infidelity as soon as possible'.

That takes 8 seconds to say. Let's be gracious and give her 30 seconds to sign. If she doesn't then go speak to a lawyer. Do not talk any more than you need. She will just try to manipulate the situation.