SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife of 25 years is involved in an emotional affair and is trying to make it physical here soon. Its been going on now since March of 2016. I found out in December 2016. she claims she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. typical response. They text everyday and send pictures including nudes. I don't want a divorce and am putting up with the stuff for right now but i have a date in my head and if she doesn't stop or decide before it then i will start the divorce process. Any thoughts are welcomed

No one can walk it for you.

That being said, oh hell no! You move out of infidelity with or without her. You will get nothing but unbelievable heartache with your current trajectory. She doesn't determine what or how, you do.

I wish you well. And get off this soul-killing path.

Read some of the threads here where BSs went on the offensive. Don't put up with this.

Offer to drive her to his house and drop her off with all her stuff.

Talk to a lawyer this week and serve her D papers.

Stop being a doormat. This is unacceptable.

Common theme here is that to save the M you have to be willing to lose the M.

Chances are her tune will change once she is confronted with your new attitude of zero tolerance.

We all deserve happiness, you included. And you should not be with a spouse that doesn't make you number one priority in your lives.

Scrub that future date. Today is the day that you get yourself out of infidelity. Tell her that you will be letting everyone on both sides of the family know why you will be divorcing her AND FOLLOW THROUGH with it if she doesn't go no contact immediately.

Waywards only understand strong responses.

I agree with the others , act now! Waiting will only make it worse. She will see you as weak and lose respect for you. Giving her time to "figure it out" is only going to give them time to get deeper into the affair. None of us wanted to lose our marriage, but you have to be willing to lose it in order to save it .

Welcome brother!

She is most certainly not confused. She knows exactly what she wants. Her actions show she fully intends to try this other man out, while you wait patiently to see if it does work for her.

Your actions show that you are willing to allow her to try this. Located in the upper left-hand corner of this page is a forum called the healing Library. Within that Library there is a section called BS FAQ's. Please read and Implement number 11. Follow that up with an appointment at a lawyer. Find out what your rights and responsibilities will be in the event of a divorce.

Please, respect yourself more than being her plan B. You are worth so, so much more than the treatment she is giving you. Demand it. She is abusing you and it's time for it to stop.

Strength

She won't stop or come to her senses because she doesn't have to. You need to change the way you think as doing the pick me dance will bring you nothing but more heartache.

If she is still actively texting and sending nudes every day then I am afraid she knows exactly what she wants - best of all worlds. And she is getting it. She needs to be made uncomfortable. I wouldn't wait another moment before taking some kind of action.

Who is her AP and are you sure the affair is only emotional?

Is he married, an ex boyfriend?

BC1,

Golden and Adlham have said it. Get yourself out of infidelity. It is the first step in surviving infidelity.

Everyday she is sharing herself with someone other than yourself. Why is that acceptable to you up until that date you have in mind?

Get yourself out of infidelity. She is "confused" and "doesn't know what she wants"? File for divorce, have her served. That will help clarify her thinking.

Waiting til this magic date arrives is only going to cause the problems to get bigger. The quicker you act the better.

By the time a BS knows anything at all the affair has already gone past the point of no return, hence your WW already admitting strong feelings towards AP. You know this has been going on for AT LEAST 6 months. The likelyhood of no sex is almost none. Strong action on your part NOW is the only way to resolve this. Anything less just shows you as being weak and allows your WW to continue the affair unscathed. If you want to attempt to save the marriage expose.

Find out if AP is married and contact his wife or GF. This is the absolute fastest way to stop an affair. Blow it up.

I know what everyone has written is hard to read. You probably came here like most looking for a way to fix this and get your wife back.

The truth is that as long as she remains in contact with her AP, and as long as she doesn't know what she wants. She is effectively gone.

The only chance you have of saving this is the wake her up. Shock and awe. This does not by any means hold the promise of fixing everything. It may not be fixable. What the others have said is true. If you let things continue in this state you will lose. Ask her to move out, tell her you will not wait for her to make a decision. Contact a lawyer and have her served. This will do 2 things. It will show her that there will be consequences for her actions, which may wake her up. It also gives you a direction that may or may not be permanent, you can always change your mind after filing. The main point is that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. There is no guarantee that it can be saved, but from the experiences of very many people here, trying to save the marriage when she is in this state of mind will not work and will only cause you many many months of pain while you watch the A continue and feel powerless to stop it.

The one thing you do have power over is you. The best thing you can do right now is assume that the marriage cannot be saved and make a plan to separate from her. You still love her and it will be hard to accept, but the pain for you will fade quicker if you make a strong stance and let her know you will not wait around for her to decide and play the "pick me" dance. Show her what she is losing. That is your best stance right now.

This will go a lot better if you show her a strong , confident person than if you she her a weak person that will wait and beg her to stay. She her that you respect yourself enough to not stand for her behavior. If this is the person she wants to be, then there are consequences!

I am sorry you are here, but there are many that will support you here through the nightmare that you have been forced into.

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 9:48 AM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

Is her affair partner married? If so expose to his spouse.

I'm sorry this is happening, it sucks. You have 2 options, ride it out and hope she comes out of the fog and decides to stay in the marriage, or you can file for divorce.

I try to ride it out, that wasn't working, so I filed for divorce and my wife stopped and wanted to work on the marriage. However too much damage had happened by riding it out, too much pain I had to endure that I couldn't forgive so I went through with the divorce despite her wanting to stay together.

If you wait and ride it out you may fall out of love with her, there is only so much abuse a person can take. I would recommend filing if your goal is to stay married, waiting for her may cause too much damage to repair.

Where does this AP live? Are you sure it hasn't become physical?

Right now, your WW has a boyfriend with whom she is openly conducting the affair. You are in an open marriage that you did not agree to.

She has no incentive to stop because you are "putting up with it". It's time to lay out some consequences - you can tell her it's either her boyfriend or the marriage. Not both.

I know you don't want to divorce but honestly, if you don't step up and begin to get yourself out of infidelity, this will continue.

I sorry you find yourself here. I think the advice so far is spot on. The reason for this site is to get out of infidelity. That means with her or without her. You are being stepped on and used. She is not confused. She is planning her escape.

You are living in hell. Make a plan and stick to it.

What is shock and awe here mean ?

Legal advice, file, tell the parties that need to know. The other guys wife, close family. If it's a co worker let her employer know. You can't control how those people handle the information, but you are shining a light on her secrets. These relationships only thrive in the dark. What could be the worst that happened now. One she may come out of the " affair fog"

Two she leaves. Right now the marriage you HAD is DEAD.

You can start a new life with her or a new life for you.

Either way you can't stay in the hell your suffering through and keep your sanity very long.

You can stop the D process any time.

And the others are right.... They have probably had sex. At least prepare your self for that and decide if you can continue the marriage with that info.

I wish you the best.

Keep records, tell her to pick and if it's not you she needs to go. Get proof of the infedelity/adultery. File for divorce asap. Do not be alone with her anywhere after she leaves. Record all conversations you have with her if legal in your state. Show her you mean business. Make her decide, keep moving forward. Take care of you and cut her off. Then if she wants to come back, you decide, on your terms. Fuck the pick me dance.

Get on Audio recording or text her agreeing that you have been nothing but loving and caring and have never physically abused or sexually abused her. Women make up some crazy shit.

I would even wait a week or two and act like a whipped puppy while you ready yourself and collect info first. You better hang on because you are about to go through the most traumatic time of your life.

BC...as long as you 'let it ride'...she will not fold...will likely 'annie up'....after 18 months I would start D proceedings....