SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To answer some questions. This is what I've been told. He is in the process of divorce since he cheated on his wife before getting involved with mine. They have not had sex yet. He lives in Washington and we live in Maryland. He is coming to New York this month and i found a text saying she would try to meet him. I'm sure she is playing with my mind because she tells me she loves me and still has sex with me but will not stop texting him when i ask. I'm not taking any blame but i was emotionally neglectful the last few years and realize that and have made changes. My family knows and so do her parents since they live with us. That makes getting a divorce harder because they have no where to go and would be a bictim of the aftermath. I appreciate all the comments and am considering talking to a lawyer this week.

They text everyday and send pictures including nudes. I don't want a divorce and am putting up with the stuff for right now

Dude! What's wrong with you? Why are you putting up with this?

Pack her stuff, leave it on the porch, tell her it ain't happening anymore.

That's not a wife, and she can take her parents with her. Let her figure it out.

High time you get in the game.

Sorry, for the 2 x 4 upside the head, it'll quit hurting when you come to your senses.

First, cheaters lie, so what you have been told might not be the truth. Contact his wife.

How did her parents react when they found out? Are they not fearing they will be collateral damage in divorce?

Your wife thinks that you will not do anything to flaunt her affair in your face considering her parent's situation.

What would your wife say if you told her that if she is not NC with him you will divorce her and her parents are her responsibility?Would she believe you?

Do you have children?

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 1:57 PM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

The main thing that filing for D right now does is shows her how seriously you are taking this, and lets her see what she is going to lose. If she receives divorce papers and still insists on staying in contact with him. Then you know for sure that she considered him to be more important than you. No one wants to be anybodies second choice.

Just be prepared. Only she knows which way this is going to go. The fact that she won't go NC with him is a very bad sign.

Hang in there. There isn't anything easy about any of this.

Your wife is not a possession but would you leave your front door open and let someone walk in and steal all your furniture and your car with them saying " thank you I'll get it back to you when I finished using it".

I'm sorry but you need to quickly grow a spine to either shock her out of the A fog or to get yourself out of this situation!

i am considering calling a lawyer this week

For my above scenario I described would you say "I'll consider calling the police in a few months"?!?!

This is a full on emergency and you sound like you are going to take a nap first. You really need to wake up if you are going to save your marriage.

Call the lawyer today. Tell him to draw up papers. Read the 180 in the healing library and put it into effect.

Her parents are her responsibility not yours. Get yourself out of this situation one way or another.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:11 PM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

I'm sure she is playing with my mind because she tells me she loves me and still has sex with me but will not stop texting him when i ask.

What???!!!??? Dude, come on man. Are you kidding me??? You need to go to the healing library on this site and look up the 180. Do that PRONTO. Implement it NOW if you want a chance at saving this. If you look half as weak to your cheating wife as you look to me right now then you're already way behind the 8 ball on this. Seriously. Stand up for yourself right this minute. READ THE 180.

I'm not trying to be harsh. In fact, my heart could not sympathize for you more. What I'm trying to help you do is save your marriage. Hugs from me are the last thing you need right this minute. You need hard truths and guidance. START THAT RIGHT NOW WITH THE 180. Read the rules and implement them. Don't skip on any of them (unless they completely don't apply).

Also, don't take your wife's word for it on what OM's status is. Cheaters lie. Your WW lies and the OM lies. He might have the sweetest wife in the world that has no idea what is going on. Find out and get her involved. Let her know what's going on.

In your case time is of the essence because this douche is making plans to come consummate the affair with your wife. Don't sit back like a chump and spectate that. You're too good for that. 180 NOW!!!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

[This message edited by CincyKid at 2:23 PM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

Wow. You are playing the pick me dance and letting her have her cake and eat it too. She is thinking he is Plan A but she is keeping Plan B(YOU!) around in case Plan A fails.

Read up on the 180. Blow her little fantasy world up. Let her experience what it is going to be like when you dump her cheating lying ass. You have to remove ALL benefits she gets from the marriage so that she can see what life will be like without you. Right now you are providing her with a crutch - emotional and financial(?) support while she evaluates your replacement. You need to make sure that when she makes the final evaluation, she is comparing something she has lost (you) with her little fantasy.

What people on here say is true - to save the marriage you have to risk it all.

PS: I'd like to ask your WW "so, what makes you think that this guy, who has apparently cheated on his wife on other occasions, and is cheating with her on you, is actually going to be faithful to you?" She's a fool if she believes him lol.

PSS: Cincykid is right - cheaters lie. His wife may have no clue. Contact her. If he or your WW is lying, nothing blows up an affair like both BS getting involved. If your WW is telling the truth, his BW might have information that you can weaponize in some way (for example, some really bad personal information about him that he has hidden from your WW).

[This message edited by Northsider12 at 2:42 PM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

What she's doing is ruining your marriage and has destroyed your trust.

Today is the perfect day to tell her that she must choose.

Her husband or her affair partner, and you won't stay in a marriage that includes the affair partner.

There is nothing anywhere that says you should put up with this crap.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you have done wrong to deserve this. It is not your fault on any level.

This affair will continue to gain momentum as long as she has no consequences. Blow this thing up.

Do some reading here in the healing library and other threads. Things will get better when you start taking action.

Good luck

but i have a date in my head and if she doesn't stop or decide before it then i will start the divorce process. Any thoughts are welcomed

So if a guy walks up to you, smacks you in the face with the left hand, then smacks you again with the right hand you're going to stand there and say "wait, in ten minutes if he keeps smacking me I'm going to smack him back"

I didn't know there was a time limit on being disrespected? So if she continues to flirt for a couple of more days then breaks it off then everything is alright?

Isn't one smack in the face enough?

Brokenconfused1, what you need to understand is that right now she has relegated you to being nothing more than a place holder in her life until the other man is free of his previous marriage. Once that happens you will have outlived your usefulness to her and she will send you packing.

Whats more, and something I have learned in these forums, is that your tolerance of her continued violations to your marriage are utter weakness. You are letting her walk all over you and spit on your vows and then you expect her to respect you enough to stop, it simply isn't going to happen.

When is the last time that you came across somebody that was so weak that they would put up with this kind of betrayal but you respected their wishes? Women don't find weakness attractive, The weaker you appear the more you will push her to her OM.

Good luck going forward but I don't see this ending well because frankly you are just allowing it to happen. If you continue doing what you are doing you will continue getting the results you are getting. Why on earth should she change anything when right now she has the best of both worlds? She has the excitement of the affair and the stability of the marriage, what more could she ask for?

Oh man her parents live with you and she is openly having an affair? I dont know how to help.

At the very least, please stop having sex with her. That's a mindfuck right there.

I have to agree with the previous posts, you need to take action, NOW!

Start with reading The Tactical Primer at the top of this forum, it will help you prepare and give a bit more insight.

180, 'nuf said. (That means stop sleeping with her!)

Lawyer, file, have her served papers, ASAP!!!

Nothing shocks the fence-sitting, cake-eating wayward like D papers...and if it doesn't shock her, then you know that D is the right thing to do, and it doesn't matter that her parents are there as they are her responsibility, not yours.

Be strong, kick ass, take names!

Google Affair Fog. That is where your W is.

You can only control you. Not her or the situation.

The only time my H took notice was when I told him I was ending it. He told me multiple times he did not wasnt to be married anymore. But when I would put that into action he would get upset.

And scramble to make amends. I didn't know about the 180 but I inew when I detached it worked.

Soooooo start getting your life in order, separate from her.

Get a therapist for you. Get your own $ in your name. Nothing she can touch. Get a ad mediator or lawyer. Learn your rights. Get your support team - family, friends etc. get an accountant or financial or estate planner. Get your Ducks in a row.

And get some Teflon b/c when she starts the sobbing and crying and apologizing, you want to be able to have it bounce off you.

If you think this is bad, the next phase is reconciliation. And the first 6 months of that crap is as Bad as the A. Be prepared for more lies, posdible continued contact, her depression and sadness over her "lost love" if she goes that route.

I wish you the best and you need to get your power back. Because if you don't she will cheat again. Take it from someone who has been there. His first A was rug swept. I am convinced that allows him to cheat again and 2x with same OW.

My H now knows he messed with the wrong person b/c I am not a doormat any longer. I am still kind and loving but our dynamics have changed.

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Do you have a good friend, trusted family member, or pastor that you could speak to about your situation? Have you considered marriage counseling?

Healing and forgiveness take time.

If you were reading your own post as a stranger. What would your advice be?

My family knows and so do her parents since they live with us.

Geez... I was in this identical situation with both of my wifes parents living with us years ago. That has got to be a special hell on earth with the in-laws living with you... and a WW to boot. It's hard enough to make a marriage work... but this situation is intolerable.

Godspeed on getting out of this vile concoction that your wife has heaved upon your shoulders.

but i was emotionally neglectful the last few years

It's a wonder your not toatally numb from the neck up with the in-laws living with you. You need to get them out of the house. Figure some way... anyway. The stress of that situation alone is one giant mindf**k.

Wife of 25 years is involved in an emotional affair and is trying to make it physical here soon.

Whom is the OM in relationship to your WW? COW? Childhood friend? Old boyfriend? Nobody throws 25 years of marriage away for just an EA. There has to be some other dynamics in play here, that your not telling, or don't know about. It just doesn't add up.

How do you know that OM hasn't made trips to meet up with your WW? How do you know that OM doesn't live across the street? Let me guess... Your WW told you?

I know the OM lives in Washington because i did a background check on him and that is where he is located. She claims she gave her phone number to a friend who gave it to him to text her. She will not tell me who the friend was. The guy is 6 years younger than my wife and she has never mentioned him ever in our 25 years together until last year in December when i asked if there was someone else when she told me she doesn't have the same feelings for me like she use to.