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I think exposing is situational. Not best on all cases. In your case it is because she continued the affair even after you found out.

I would give her parents the texts about I love you and the cowgirl. I would just tell your parents and the kids she is continuing a sexual affair and leave it at that.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:00 AM, March 6th (Monday)]

Yeah that is true. Continuing it even after seeing how broken I was/still am was devastating. I am sure she probably did not even end it in the first place. She seemed to be happy with her choice.

Any idea when the paperwork will be done and served?

As others have stated your wife isn't showing remorse for her actions, only regret that she got caught.

She had her cake and was getting to eat it too in having an affair and a stable husband at home too.

The shame in this situation is not yours it's hers. Don't let her betrayals destroy who you are.

It's rough admitting to people what has happened, I understand that completely. I've been where you are now, just when my children were younger than yours are.

You do not need to keep her dirty little secrets. Do not face this pain alone. Reach out to friends and others you trust for support. This site is a great resource full of people who have been where you are.

One thing you learn as you read peoples stories here and we share our insights and experiences, is how common the same group of lies are told to the spouses. Many of us have been where you are. The commonality of what a caught cheater says and does is astounding across age groups and relationships.

By all means expose to your family and friends what she has done. Your children are old enough to know too. How much detail you give is up to you. It's not your secret to bear alone. This way you can get your side of events out to those whose opinion you care about too.

Often waywards rewrite marriage history to justify what they did and will tell outright lies as to why they did it.

I personally have had friends told I was controlling, abusive and paranoid as to why we are now getting divorced. No mention or admissions of her infidelities in sight.

Good luck, I wish you didn't need to find us here but always know you are not alone, and we get what you are going through.

I have received the full picture (its physical) as if that wasn't already obvious. I have served her already, she responded by saying she wants to save our marriage. Yet there does not seem to be convincing actions on her part. Told me she's going to call off work today and already has.

Who cares if she calls off work? She already has shown you who she wants to be with. The only way that's changed is if he's used her up and is signalling to her that there isn't a future.

SHE needs to run any reconciliation

1. Tell her that you're divorcing her because you refuse to be in a marriage with a wife with a boyfriend, and that you need to protect yourself

2. Anything beyond that is a moot point, if she wants to prove to you she's working on remorse... then that's her perogative. You can't promise anything

3. Implement the 180

4. Information friends and family that your wife has left you and is involved in a sexual and emotional affair with another man. Let them know that it's not out there for gossip but that you genuinely need support right now.

5. Seek out an individual counselor for yourself

6. Drink 100oz water a day and force yourself to eat.

Yankee99, I am sorry you are here. One thing I learned more than anything is watch your wife's actions. Cheaters will say whatever they want to try to get out from the jam they are in, but unless it is backed up by actions , it doesn't mean a thing. Sos he says she wants to save the marriage? But none of her actions back that up. I would continue in the direction you are going with the divorce until your wife is remorseful and even then forge ahead until you are absolutely sure she's turned the corner. You have to protect yourself above all. At this point it appears you are plan B unfortunately.

Yankees,

Understand that you are very vulnerable right now. Don't commit to anything with her. Bounce stuff off SI and your friend IRL. You have seized the momentum and you don't have a deadline to make any further decisions.

You did the right thing to file. And exposing would be next thing to do. She is like a trapped animal. She will invent an alternate universe where she is the victim and you are the bad guy.

No matter what she says to you today, her words are she wants to work on the marriage, but her actions are to go fuck the dude when it is convenient for them.

Read Manualgtr's thread. His WW/STBXW's words and actions were exactly the same.

Stay strong. Keep posting. People are here for you.

It's possible she is wanting to stay married but keep the sex/romance continuing but just as likely she would leave you if she could determine it's "real" with him. Needs to "try him out" more to decide. I have seen both situations. But no matter, the behavior is the same. She will lie and cheat by hook or by crook until she is ready to end it.

Only way to save a marriage in that case is to end the affair. Blow it up on her end or his end or both. Which exposure may help quite a bit. Pushing her to be with him also might help. Tell her pack her stuff and go.

My wife's boyfriend used quite a bit of work resources in the affair and I told them about it and he was fired.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 11:26 AM, March 6th (Monday)]

As stated above, read manualgtr forum. Eye opening.

This is like crack for your W. She can't go cold turkey with the OM. Expect new burner phone, new messaging app, new email, etc.

Get yourself a VAR and Velcro under her car seat.

For full R, transparency is paramount.

I know this is no help---but my ex did the same thing after 30 years.

It's some mind boggling shit. And I still wonder why sometimes after 12 years. It really doesn't matter anymore.

whg

Yankees, I copied this reply I made to another poster on here, as you are/were thinking like him

if R is possible, he asks.

But is it possible to get the love back to the level it was before?

No I don’t believe it’s possible, no matter how much you might try to convince yourself you have forgiven her for what she did, there will always be doubts as to has she truly changed back to the woman I knew before, to the woman I loved with all my heart and married, can I really trust her ever again.

It’s your life so I can’t tell you what to do, but you have to think long and hard before making a decision R or D.

For me I don’t believe my wife could or would ever be that woman ever again if she cheated on me, and that’s why I would never be able to stay married to a woman/wife who cheated, for me it’s unforgivable, the only thing I truly believe is, a Leopard can never change its spots.

Regards BJE49

I don't want our kids to know for now due to the fact that it will most likely effect their studies. I really want to understand why those who do this most of the time lack remorse. How can someone you dedicate decades to your lives too jump into someone else's arms/bed and only show happiness about it?

I am going to go crazy trying to find the reason though. I am slowly but surely realizing that this isn't my fault.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 2:42 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

Going to leave you with two written notes. They got me through the post A timeline. Especially the Why's and justification.

"Cheaters are cake eaters. In cheating your wife did not pick the other man (OM) over you. Your wife picked both you and the OM over just you. That is why she did it behind your back instead of just leaving you to be with the OM. It is a matter of simple math. No matter how much better you are than the other man, you plus the other man is always going to be greater than you alone. Mathematically if the OM's desirability rating = X, and your desirability rating = Y, then X + Y would always be greater than X no matter what X or Y were (x + Y > Y). To a cheater this would always be true no matter how hard you worked to push your rating up, as you would always be competing against yourself."

"Anytime I was told that the A had nothing to do with me, I took offense. Bc every single time they held hands, touched, kissed, had sex, smiled at each other, texted, talked, etc....every single one of those instances was a great big flip of the middle finger directed at me. It's not like they thought what they were doing was ok. They knew it was wrong...the ultimate betrayal. So yes, It had everything to do with me."

You don't have to expose if you don't want to but she is going to be lying and telling everyone what a low down dog you are. The first story lie or not is what everyone will remember.

What you are doing is letting her sex him up anytime she wants to and then come home to you like a dog in heat..? What the hell are you thinking. What kind of woman do you think wants a weak man that is a pushover?

I simply can't wrap my head around you even speaking to her. You should have bagged up her clothes and taken them to her parents house, told them what she was doing, and changed the door locks on your house.

Then bright spot in doing all the wrong things is that she will soon be out of your life altogether.

Btw , it telling your kids what is going on just means they can't trust your wife or you . They should be helping you get through this. Man up.

How can someone you dedicate decades to your lives too jump into someone else's arms/bed and only show happiness about it?

I am going to go crazy trying to find the reason though. I am slowly but surely realizing that this isn't my fault.

You're dead right it's not your fault. You were 50% responsible for the marriage but she's 100% responsible for her affair.

Your story reads like a common or garden MLC affair and sadly my friend both from my own and other's experience of MLC affairs the prognosis for the marriage isn't good given your WW's response. She likely checked out of the marriage quite a while ago. Don't go crazy trying to find the reason. These things happen and you'd probably end up driving yourself crazy trying to make sense out of this nonsense!

Without almost instantaneous remorse from a WS (not regret..remorse) there's nothing left to work with.

I've experienced the devastating pain you're going through, as have many others on here. It is something only a BS is able to 'appreciate'.

You are at the start of your rollercoaster journey. It does get better with time...usually several years.

Stay strong!

yankees99,

Really sorry you are here. A few thoughts and suggestions:

I am ashamed to admit I did think about ending my life.

You can't make good decisions if you're a mental basket case, so do whatever you need to do to get your emotions under control. That means getting enough rest (mild sleep aids may be necessary), eating regularly (force yourself), lots of exercise (you'll be surprised how much this helps your mental state), NO alcohol and possibly prescription anti-anxiety medication (talk to your doctor). This should be your No. 1 objective right now.

Today I served her with divorce papers, she told me she now feels confused and thinks we can work and save our marriage.

This is really good. Most BHs let their WWs eat cake while they to suffer in marital limbo. Giving her a strong consequence for her adulterous behavior actually increases the chances of saving your marriage because it helps her understand that what she has done will also hurt her and it forces her to seriously think about what she wants.

Exposing is something I have been thinking about. I guess she just expects me not to tell anyone.

If you want to save your marriage, you first have to end her affair. There is no more effective way to do this than to expose the affair to everyone that both your WW and the OM care about (spouse, children, parents, siblings, close friends, clergy, employers). In fact, failure to expose generally dooms the marriage, first because it usually means the affair continues and secondly because it makes it easy for the WW to sweep what she's done under the rug instead of confronting it and becoming a better person. It is only if you don't want to reconcile and are concerned that exposure may adversely affect your divorce (e.g., she loses her job and you end up paying more alimony) that one should be concerned about exposing the affair.

... there does not seem to be convincing actions on her part.

Great observation. From now on, don't trust anything she says. Only rely on what she does and doesn't do.

I don't want our kids to know for now due to the fact that it will most likely effect their studies.

This is a tough one. As noted above, exposure is key to ending the affair and creating the possibility of reconciliation. On top of that, you kids deserve to know the truth and will resent it if they are kept in the dark for long or if they learn about this from someone else. My advise is to tell them ASAP and no later than when their current school period ends.

I really want to understand why those who do this most of the time lack remorse. How can someone you dedicate decades to your lives too jump into someone else's arms/bed and only show happiness about it?

I am going to go crazy trying to find the reason though. I am slowly but surely realizing that this isn't my fault.

Why some people cheat and others don't is the $64,000 question and the truth is that you will probably never know why she cheated (she probably doesn't even know). So, instead of worrying about this, better to focus on what you can do to become a better man. This will increase the odds of saving your marriage and, if that is not possible, will set you up to find someone else to be with.

Yes, it not your fault that she cheated. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to become a better person. I recommend you read the following:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (you can download a copy for free at https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).

"The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0IRQ8?tag=viglink21103-20).

The first book is all about overcoming personality problems and weaknesses that lead to codependency. The second is about male and female behavioral traits and how they affect relationships. The information they contain will not only help you deal with your current problems, it will help you avoid relationship problems in the future (whether with your WW, should you try to reconcile, or with you next partner).

Wishing you the best.

So she's accused me of having an affair with the mutual friend who I've gotten closer to since this divorce when that isn't true. I just lost it and told her to get out, she's a whore, I don't want her in my life anymore. She said she was sorry. First time I've snapped at her throughout this whole process. Maybe that's a sign that she's not the only women in my life I can be happy with. I feel terrible, but I have been abused throughout this whole process.

That's it Yankee!! Get mad, get angry because what she is doing is exactly that, ABUSE!! I think us men sometimes forget we can be abused too! Don't let her eat cake, YOU hold all the cards !

This is classic blameshifting at its finest, don't let her blame you for anything involving this affair , the affair is 100% on her.

Get mad and stay there!!!!

CDB

Hell no. She can't you accuse you of an affair. Classic DARVO (only at the extreme level).

Make sure she doesn't come back to the house until you guys have a breather.

Remember, you are not at fault here.