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So she's accused me of having an affair with the mutual friend who I've gotten closer to since this divorce when that isn't true.

She is like a trapped animal. She will invent an alternate universe where she is the victim and you are the bad guy.

So it has started. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you when you interact with her.

Consider that your wife might tell the children at some point if she can't manipulate you. They are going to find out sooner or later, probably sooner. You probably would do a better job of calming the kids at this point, than if your wife went to them out of desperation.

How can someone you dedicate decades to your lives too jump into someone else's arms/bed and only show happiness about it?

It hit you all of a sudden. For her, this came bit by bit, pretty quickly, but still more gradual over time.

Many cheating wives in similar situations to yours, the wives have said "I thought my husband stopped loving me" and "I was unhappy for a long time." These are rationalizations. What the truth usually is, is that the marriage has become routine, boring, not too much passionate, sex maybe was good but routine, and you are the same partner, not a new partner. Maybe you told her that her ass was hot as hell, but when this other guy said the same thing it meant a lot more because he was new. Assuming you are a baseball fan, let's say that you play in a baseball game and your mom tells you how well you played. Then a stranger comes up to you and tells you how great your played.

Not that it is right, but this is how it happens. She is weak, she is gullible, she has low enough esteem, vulnerable about losing her looks - something like that - is the either conscious or unconscious feelings that brought her there initially with him. Then maybe he tells her what you do or don't do, not bad terrible stuff, just you never take her to a new romantic dinner, and this guy says, "that's terrible, if I were yours I would treat you romantic every minute of every day. Remember, based on her vulnerabilities and gullibility and whatever other faults and flaws, she just makes the bad decision. This is initial. The ongoing stuff, the cruelly telling you she staying overnight with him, that is beyond the pale.

There have been a number of cheating wives, however, who had the other man convince them that the betrayed husband was cheating, too. And amazingly, almost every affair, the cheating wives believe the other man as if his words came down from God Himself.

Hi yankee. I'm here to encourage you: seven years ago I was standing in your shoes, feeling miserable, lost and upside down. I was not sure if I will ever be able to love and be loved. I felt ashamed and humiliated, and afraid to share the ugly truth even with closest friends. But, luckily, I was decisive to quickly break my ties with "this woman" and begin living anew. Now – I'm striving in nearly every aspect of my life. And I look back at those days with nothing but gratitude for the hard lesson I've learned from her.

I hope this decisiveness will help you as well as it helped me. Move on.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 8:52 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

I have bought a var just incase something happens. If she leaves the house again to stay with the other guy again I think I can get her in trouble for abandonment. She seems as if she's trying to justify the affair, telling me she's sure I've been having affair with our friend. Then telling me we've grown apart. Claims she has tried to work on our marriage and I haven't done much to fix it. I guess having an affair will just fix all her problems.

I don't know much about the affair, I just know who the guy is and that it's full blown. Get this she also doesn't want anyone to know.

But meanwhile soon enough she will be badmouthing you to anyone who has ears.

Get this she also doesn't want anyone to know.

Of course she doesn't, she has a reputation to protect and she wants to maintain the status quo - you at home and him on the side.

I told everyone. I told my friends, my family, his mother, the hairdresser, co-workers. My son. He had to know from my lips because XH and OW were seen at a bar canoodling by one of DS's friends. She contacted me first so that I could tell DS. I said, the reason your dad and I are having problems is because he is seeing someone else. He said, "Who? Oh, OW." So, he saw the inappropriate behavior. He and his dad are working on their relationship but I don't know if he will ever fully trust him. He has been at their house, spent time with OW (which I hate, but he's an adult) but he has been especially loving toward me throughout everything. He is at the age where he has had and will have many relationships. He will take these lessons forward in life and I'm glad to be able to talk about it with him. Give your kids the gift of knowledge and let them work out what it means to them. Offer IC if they need it.

More likely than not this guy put that in her ear AFTER they started being inappropriate. Otherwise she would have been snooping.

It's time to move on legally ASAP and to expose far and wide.

Simple advice. Mentally you will not begin to heal until you get in a position to put this behind you.

Get this she also doesn't want anyone to know.

Well then by all means expose to everyone like right now.

Expose, not to be totally vindictive but to show her that fucking around on her H & family actually does come with some consequences while at the same time dropping a nuke on her A.

Rough day today. I find it to be one of the worst things when I have nothing to do and then I get lost in my thoughts which have become riddled with darkness and sadness unfortunately. This sucks, from here on out it was supposed to be about my wife and I, we were planning on taking all these trips and just enjoying alone time together. Instead she opted for breast implants a new man.

The bright side is if the divorce gets finalized no custody issues and she has said she doesn't want much of our stuff, guilt I assume. So many things just trigger me these days..

Your kids are old enough to handle it. You need to expose otherwise she will rewrite the history. If you don't want your thread to go on for 50 pages do it now. Let her feel the shame

When did she start talking about the breast implants? Was that something she thought of throughout the marriage, or just the last year or two?

What I see from cheating wives sometimes: Losing weight, breast implants, exercising like mad, etc. New lingerie, grooming changes in the Netherlands. Now, which came first, the chicken or the egg? It goes either way, but the losing weight and the breast implants in my opinion might be vague ideas of possibly desiring to leave, explore her options. Or else she always wanted those things, finally did it, and some new worlds open up and she likes the attention.

The exercising like mad starts when the relationship is going from warm to hot. The new lingerie, grooming, that comes when the physical is about to happen.

Yeah, it seems like she has some guilt, a little bit, at least when she sees you face to face. But not enough to commit to the marriage, and I think out of sight out of mind for you.

This is from another thread, same sad story:

[Talked with] her and her [girl]friend, sharing and planning the trip and how the [girl]friend encouraged her to go for it. She should do what makes her happy and all. ... She is scared but her heart wants it and how she really do like this guy. She later on explain how sad she would be if she does not try and explore the feeling she is having at that moment.

She has been served. She took Monday off. She hasn't gone overnight with him since then. She says she wants to work out, she doesn't love you, she's confused, and you're to blame for not paying attention to her unhappiness. Oh, and she's sure you've been cheating, too.

But she has been served. She says she won't take much of the stuff. But what's going on down that road? What comes next, and when? When will other people find out?

She got the breast implants two years ago. Asking me how would I feel about her getting them. I told her if she wants too, she seemed happy to show them off to me. She has also taken up yoga and is pretty into it. I don't know what's next I wish I knew. She has said she doesn't want to just throw away our marriage. Yet she spent the entire week with the guy. Told me thinks counseling will help us.

You must see that she is stringing you along (you are her plan B). She is making sure that the new POSOM is a safe haven for her to go to. Until then she will try and keep you around.

No one can really understand what makes a wife cheat after so many years. Just put it down to flaws in her moral fabric that were there all along and now that the kids are at university, she can exercise that side of her - one that she has kept carefully hidden from you.

As others are telling you, she will try every trick in the book but she has no intention of picking you at this point. He is giving her something that is exciting and new and that is all she can think about at this point. We have all seen this too many times.

As you are being advised, get your ducks in a row - financially and with respect to custody etc. Hope for a fairly easy divorce while she is still new at this and feeling some guilt. Once the divorce is done expose to the world - it will really help you going forward. However, I would tell your kids now before she does, because her version will blame you for everything.

Take care and take action - stay healthy and do the 180 for your own healing. That means don't engage with her unless its about the kids or the divorce.

Your wife is openly having a sexual affair and telling you to keep your mouth shut about it. DAMN THAT NOISE!!! Tell her family and yours, tell your children, they are adults now, and let her deal with the fall out. Keeping her secret, is basically, approving of her affair.

Move forward with divorce, cut her free to pursue her lover. After all, who are you to stand in the way of true love? You better toughen up NOW, or she will beat your ass ragged.

Dude, you need to wake up and realize she is seriously stringing you along!

It doesn't matter at all what she says, only what she does, and right now she is fucking another guy and sticking it in your face.

Divorce her flat out, don't wait, don't stop it, finish the deal.

If she comes crawling back trying to get you to stop tell her NO!

I'm not meaning to be sexist in any way here, but it is not at all uncommon for women to cheat after getting bolt-on boobs, in fact it's quite common.

Considering my wife's history, I would D before I paid for a boob job.

telling me we've grown apart. Claims she has tried to work on our marriage and I haven't done much to fix it.

I've heard nothing much about what is wrong in your marriage. "Grown apart?" That's it? What the heck does that even mean? She got breast implants and does a lot of yoga.

Claims she has tried to work on our marriage

What has she done to work on your marriage?

I think you have to really been critical, skeptical of everything she says now.

She has said she doesn't want to just throw away our marriage. Yet she spent the entire week with the guy. Told me thinks counseling will help us.

Like this above, you have one thing she SAID and one thing she DID. WORDS vs. ACTIONS. If words and actions conflict, believe the actions.

What she is doing is giving this guy a test drive, seeing how he handles, if he goes fast enough, if the ride is smooth, not bumpy, how does he corner, before she buys. She doesn't want to get rid of the old car just yet, that old car has been dependable and reliable, but no longer has the "new car smell."

Really, she is trying to maneuver into keeping BOTH YOU and HIM happy enough. This is a cheating wife from another thread happening right now, and this stuff happens every other day here, it is so common: "She is scared but her heart wants it and how she really do like this guy. She later on explain how sad she would be if she does not try and explore the feeling she is having at that moment." It is nothing more and nothing less than that.

Are your plan to wait and see? What did your attorney says comes next in the divorce? Is your wife getting an attorney?

Told me thinks counseling will help us.

Cheaters can be amusing. Thinks counseling will help? How about not living with another man all week, might that help a bit, too?

Has she set up the counseling, or is it just more bullshit?

Gotta agree with the others, Y99. You need to Expose, Expose, Expose, and you need to do this right now. She is cake eating right now, and you need to knock her off the fence.

You need to be willing to let go of you marriage in order to save it. Your goal with filing and exposure isn't to save the marriage, it is to force her to make a decision, and move you out of infidelity towards either R or D. The longer you wait, the more pain and suffering you're allowing yourself to be exposed to.

By the way, don't agree with the counseling until she is knocked off the fence, and only if she lands on the R side. Further, if she lands in th R side, a NC letter must be sent, she needs to be transparent with her whereabouts, and open all forms of communication such as cell phone and computer passwords. If she doesn't do these things, she isn't R material, and you have your answer to continue with the divorce,

She has said she doesn't want to just throw away our marriage. Yet she spent the entire week with the guy. Told me thinks counseling will help us.

This is called cake eating. She is trying to string you along... offer hope to you but isn't willing to change anything with her behavior. She doesn't want to end her marriage and face the consequences or end her affair.

The best thing you can do right now to save your marriage is to file and expose. She is going to keep this affair going and stay married as long as she can... so you need to step up to end it.