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I am not sure what to think about this, so I figured the best place to ask is here! How does everyone feel about their BS telling others about the betrayal? My BH keeps telling others about what I did. And honestly, I don't believe that its anyone's business. And he shouldn't be telling anyone. I understand that at this time he is staying with his mom and there are going to be questions. But cant he just say that its a private matter and not say exactly what happened? I understand that I betrayed our marriage and don't have the right to not ask for him to not tell anyone but it bothers me. It's like I am being given that scarlet Letter "A" to wear everywhere because he keeps telling people. And it kinda makes me look bad. Again, I know I am not in any position to say that. But it's how I feel. I am not sure if that is something I should talk to him about or if I should just leave it alone. Advice???

[This message edited by HURTWS at 8:21 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]

I'm going to apologize ahead if this sounds harsh, but I'll tell you how I would feel as the BS.

If my WH asked me not to tell people, it would infuriate me. The problem isn't in telling people what he did, it's that he did it.

Asking me to keep it private, would just be an example of his selfishness. The only person that benefits from that is the WS.

I'm a very private person, so I haven't told many. But, I do need the support. I feel like I should be able to heal in the best way for me. And if that's telling people, so be it.

The general belief is, the BS should be allowed to tell anyone they want if that's what helps them heal.

IMO, there's a difference between telling people (with the goal of building a support team) and walking into a get together and announcing "My spouse is a ho!" for shock factor.

I guess the question is, who is he telling and in what context?

Is he wanting to R?

I can understand the shame and horror of being exposed on a public level. I think for many, it comes with the territory.

How does everyone feel about their BS telling others about the betrayal?

MHer here... it's not "the" betrayal, it's his betrayal. It's his story; his life. His life turned into a nightmare without his consent. If sharing it helps the BS, I think the WS should support it.

I find it odd that a WS would expect the affair to be a "private matter". The affair itself was the welcoming of another person into the marriage. Turning to others for intimacy that should have been reserved for the spouse. The BS looking for support from friends and family is not the same thing. One is healthy and one is not.

I am not sure if that is something I should talk to him about or if I should just leave it alone. Advice???

IMO, don't talk to him about how his coping/dealing actions are negatively affecting you. Seek to understand how your actions have affected him. Focus on him and not on you. Focus on your WS and let go of trying to maintain your reputation.

I think there are times I wanted to tell a few people for very specific support but I chose not too.

I may eventually, but only if our M fails.

My reason I haven't told others is pretty simple -- my M is none of their business. Zero. Zilch. With any other problem I've ever shared in life there are two things that invariably happen:

1. Judgement.

2. Bad advice.

Sometimes I also get the empathy I'm looking for but mostly the top two. In going forward, my vote is the ONLY one that counts. Adding in pressure from family and friends to lean one way or the other in MY decision makes no sense. I know what I want. I know I need,.

There is no amount of offering gossip fodder to the water cooler of life that will ultimately help me heal.

It is another reason SI is glorious. The anonymous place to vent with people who generally know what I'm going through. And that is another reason to not share - unless the person I am telling has experienced infidelity, there is no way they can understand my plight.

All of that said, if a fellow BS feels like it helps them in their situation, I have to defer to that choice. I just see it as being more hurtful than helpful in my world.

Gentle opinion:

If you want your marriage to be saved and actually be something good in the future, you have to be willing to *own* what you did. You have to be able to totally own it and live openly with it. And that means that you don't box it up and put it in your pocket. If you do that, your husband's heart will slowly but surely turn to dust.

I agree with Aubrie that there is a spectrum of how this is done. And it is *totally* possible that you have a line that you won't be able to tolerate if your BS crosses it (if he walked into a wedding reception and yelled "my wife's a ho!", as Aubrie put it, that would certainly cross a line in *my* book). And if it crosses a line for you, you have the absolute right to walk away from your marriage.

But if he's simply divulging, truthfully, to friends, family, and coworkers...that seems different to me. The question will be: are you willing to alter every single relationship you have, with friends, family, and coworkers, in order to reconcile and create an amazing marriage with your husband in the future? Are you willing to live a life where everyone knows this truth about you? Or do you still want to live some kind of a lie?

I don't mean that to sound judgmental, I honestly think you should ask these questions of yourself. What are you willing to do to save your marriage and help your husband heal? What is it all worth to you?

You did what you did. It's a part of your story and it's who you are. If you can't own who you are, openly and with some sort of integrity moving forward, imo, your marriage is doomed. I dunno, maybe that's for the best. And yes, you can admit to having been wayward and still hold your head up if you work hard and do it right.

Again, you have every right to set and maintain your own boundaries, and decide for yourself what you are and aren't willing to put up with. No one is forcing you one way or another.

Just some thoughts.

Who cares who he tells! He KNOWS! HE KNOWS!!!

What you have done is the absolute most hurtful thing that can ever happen to a person. It was done on purpose.

So what if others know. HE KNOWS!! He has to feel this trauma every single day.

Aubrie is spot on. Read this, then go re-read her post.

The problem comes from you approaching this from your own point of view. For him he's not telling people about what you did, but what happened to him. Unfortunately for you you're the one that did it. Like it or not he has every right to do so. It may help or could make things worse but that's his choice to make.

Think of it like this-if he was in a car accident and hit by a drunk driver we wouldn't tell him not to talk about it if he wanted to. The DD probably doesn't want it spread around but it's not their choice.

You made some terrible choices that you are rightfully embarrassed and ashamed of and it's natural to not want those flaws getting passed around. I do feel for you but it's out of your hands now.

Maybe if you talked with him more about it he would be less inclined to look to others for answers? Or maybe to a therapist? Or maybe your BS is just chatty and none of that would make a difference.

Try to understand why he's telling people and maybe you can help him

You cheated and now you are unhappy because your BH is talking about it with others and "it kinda makes me look bad"...are you kidding me?

Gently, you do not sound very remorseful and this post is all about YOU.

Sure, I know firsthand it is embarrassing when your BS tells others about your cheating...but, it is your husband' prerogative to tell anybody about your A he wants to. His healing trumps your desire to protect your reputation.

Consider this one of the many consequences of cheating and accept it. Your BS is dealing with much, much more right now because of what you did.

You are facing the fallout from your actions. Your ego is hurt because people know that you committed adultery.

It isn't a private matter. You made your marriage public when you brought and outsider into it. Consider if the OM told everyone about what you were doing? Think about it? While you may have had an expectation of privacy from AP, but in reality there was no such thing.

Right now it sounds like your motives are more selfish. You don't want him telling because it makes you look bad.

We talk about owning our shit. This is part of your owning it.

Both my wife and I have told friends about what has happened. I have told my wife she can tell whoever she needs to tell if she feels it necessary.

My wife is very private too and she only told her mom and a few of her closest friends. I'd have no problem with her telling anyone else if she felt she needed to.

BS here and I'll keep it short and to the point. My xWS made me feel guilty for telling people, and made me feel like I had to ask her permission to discuss it with my best friend. We've broken up now.

I know she didn't do this to be controlling or spiteful, but because she was ashamed and couldn't bear the thought of other people knowing what she'd done. It is awful but you have to own it if you want to reconcile.

My H told everyone pretty much the day after I told him. I knew he want to tell a lot of ours and his friends. I didn't dare ask him to keep it to himself. But he regret it later on. Wish he didn't tell as many people. Now his to the point where if they don't know we don't.

He only told people that would be supportive or thought would be. Later he found out some people was not supportive of him staying with me. Those are the people who he regrets telling.

I didn't bother me one second who he told, I think part of owning what a WS did it part of taking responsibility for their actions. Part of consequences of us WS actions.

Own up to your shit. And that means people knowing. You don't get a say. If a BS needs to tell people to help him with this pain and hurt then that's what the BS needs!!!

In the first few months I told someone that WH knew and he flipped out. This was a sign to me that he was not remorseful yet at all. The fact was people knew before I did - without my consent. There were rumors. I wanted my side known too. I wanted an ally at these work gatherings who would understand how I was feeling. He was ashamed and more worried about how people would think of him. My response to that was that he should have thought of that before he put me in this position.

Now he's ok with me telling whoever I feel like telling. I haven't told his family, although I would love to. What he did basically ruined my life. I'm a survivor and I will recover, but all of my hopes and dreams for the future are forever tarnished. Sometimes, I just needed to talk about that. As a BS, you never know when it's going to spill out. I try not to talk as much anymore, because I'm in a better place, but for awhile when I was a zombie and just barely living, I did whatever I could do get through the next day.

I understand it's hard to have people look at you differently. Unfortunately, that's a consequence you may have to deal with when you choose to have an affair. All you can do is make yourself into a better person that would never do something like that again. Show people how great your boundaries are now. Show them you are reformed and the past is the past. Good luck.

Leave it alone. After a while you'll get used to wearing the Scarlett letter A. I have a whole wardrobe to go with it now. I'm joking of course but what I mean is it makes you look bad because well you've done something bad. Shame whether it's public or private sucks but like aubrie so eloquently said its part of the territory.

You may want to slap a Stop sign on this one!

I just heard from a wayward today that was concerned that her husband sharing her infidelity (i.e. "talking bad about her") was going to make people not like her. My H's OW even said that during the affair -- "I'll be run out of town. Everyone loves Bionicgal!" Funny how this worry comes after the bad behavior.

Here's the thing -- it is called owning the consequences of your actions, sweetie. A big step in growing up. Now, if he is out badmouthing you, that is another thing. But, I am afraid as Aubrie said, it goes with the territory. Learning to deal with it will teach you humility and help make you a safe partner in the future.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:35 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]

I think making it public announces that you are now on watch for showing what you are REALLY made of. What is your true character? If you can hold your head up high in face of all the angry stares, smirks, etc., and not allow yourself to stumble down the path of betrayal, lies, manipulation and the whole waxjob that goes with it, that will quiet the rumors and possibly turn a few opinions of you. But it's now up to YOU to prove you're better than what they believe you to be. And knowing you're in the spotlight can be pretty uncomfortable. But as others have pointed out, you have only yourself to blame for the situation you now find yourself in.

I told my BS that she can tell whoever she wants to. I really don't care. The only person whose opinion on the matter actually matters to ME is HERS, and that of my kids/family.

In my opinion, whether he has the "right" to tell people is a non-issue, as said above, it's his life and it happened to him, so... it's his call. Sorry, it does suck to be on the WS end of that stick, but it is what it is.

I will say this however... It do not think it would be a bad idea to stop and consider who is being told and why, and carefully consider the ramifications of telling others. People talk. Even when they promise to keep a secret, they don't. And sometimes those secrets carry consequences even outside of the relationship and the affair.

If you have kids, and you tell the parents of other kids in their school, that info might get back to the school at large, and your kids may end up getting labeled as "the kids whose mom/dad had an affair". The kids are innocent and don't deserve that negative attention. It may get back to neighbors or church members. Again, this labels him and the kids as much as you - you don't want to not be invited to certain functions, have kids not asked over to play, lose out on jobs, or have street gossip about the entire family. It could even reflect poorly on your employer or affect your ability to generate income.

Anyway, my point is, you don't really have a good reason to stop him from telling people for YOUR sake, but maybe you can gently suggest careful consideration of who he chooses to share that info with would be prudent.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 10:30 AM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

His expression to tell isn't to get support. Its people being nosey and talking smack. And to me that is not something that should be allowed. He has gotten support from those around him. And he has made it abundantly clear to everyone that we are still married, going to stay married and are reconciling. But at this point, I think its an unconscious thing he is doing. And honestly, I understand where the BS's are coming from in terms of talking to others. However, the whole free world does not need to know our problems. Especially if he is not close to those individuals.

BW here. I have only told a few people, 3 to be exact, because I'm a private person, however, my fwh just told me he may tell people. He thinks maybe it'll do him good to get the feedback from others by owning it. I know he's ashamed, but part of healing is facing that shame and becoming a better person. He had no qualms sharing all of himself with OW after all...