SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the WS has their individual perspective and pathway for moving forward

the BS has their individual perspective and pathway for moving forward

Hurt and Pain is the outcome of infidelity irrespective of reconciliation/separation/divorce- BS or WS

then there is the collateral damage for family and friends work colleagues etc

Infidelity has many consequences and these are far reaching

Either way its a go figure situation-

Hey there,

I know you are working hard at this and I am glad your BH is giving you this gift of attempting reconciliation. As tough as it is I wanted to point out a couple things:

-- Just because he has said you are staying together doesn't mean he won't change his mind. If you read the stories here you will see that healing will take a long time and have many unexpected 'triggers' or other things where you are going to have to own your betrayal of him and help him heal if you want a healthy marriage.

-- It seems that gossip and innuendo about you really bothers you. I am sorry to have to tell you, but your marriage IS gossip material now and will be for quite a while. I get that you want to forgive yourself and move forward to repair things and make them better. Yon need to understand that who you are has been irrevocably changed in many people's minds. They will never forget what you did even if they forgive or even if they don't particularly care.

-- You are absolutely correct that what should matter most is how you feel about yourself, how your husband feels, how your children feel, and that has always been the case. Focus on that. Hold your head high because you are doing something tough and doing it for the right reasons. Let everything else take care of itself.

There is actually a psychological reason for this. A strong need to talk about the event to all sorts of people is a common reaction to traumatic experiences. For me it felt almost compulsive. This was extra to the support of a professional psychologist. He possibly has to do it and can't help it.

^^^this...I told everyone. I couldn't NOT tell people...the grocery clerk, the lady at Reitmans, my hair dresser...it was how I processed the trauma. Did I look like a nut job? Yep. But I was truly out of my mind. This ENORMOUS thing happened to me...I had to keep saying it out loud until I believed it truly happened.

My oldest son was attacked by a man in the woods at a popular mountain biking trail near my home. His trauma counsellor told me to let him tell whoever he wanted. That my son needed to not feel shame for the horrible actions of someone else. I didn't get it then, but I sure understood my little guy once I was handed trauma I couldn't wrap my mind around.

Here's some reasons I shared his "secret":

1. He indicated to his parents when asked directly if there was another woman that "I have lots of female friends. Tess is jealous of one in particular". I told his parents to set the story straight, when I was aware it was an EA, when he was still in it. I needed support, understanding and frankly, help.

2. My dad had had an EA (possibly PA) and didn't handle it appropriately and my mom became an alcoholic trying to manage. She told nobody and everybody thought she went crazy. It was an awful time, thankfully I was an adult. I told her to empathize and apologize. And told my dad as well because they're still married and I was partially living there.

3. I told my friends for support for me.

4. I was directly asked by his siblings what was going on, and I am no liar. This one was hardest for fwh. He threatened suicide.

In the end, fwh apologized in person to everybody I had told, and it helped me see him humble himself. It also helped him. Humility feels good when you open yourself up to it. I recommend giving it a go. He has since shared his secret with a few coworkers and friends. I don't share as often anymore, but again, I am not a liar. If it's a topic of conversation I'll share.

Every relationship has problems, everybody has skeletons. Judging happens but with a discussion of reconciliation following it is limited. And the fault of fwh was that until the end of his A he had a severe lack of humility, and now he is so fucking humble that he has trouble sleeping at night. But he will also admit to his A if asked, because he has experienced that talking about it is not as painful as it first appears.

Also. It's not just his Secret. It's my story too. And if I want to tell it, I am fully allowed to. If he didn't want the story to come out, he shouldn't have fallen for the sociopath in the first place.

I told my FWH when going into the MC's office and he was worried about running into someone he knew. I said, "if you don't want people to know about it, don't fucking do it".

Plain and simple. I'm trying to keep it from my kids, but if someone figures it out, oh well. If he's so embarrassed about it, he should have thought about that before bending the b*** over.

Yep...this is no longer about you. Sorry to say. Or maybe not so sorry to say. Obviously, I am a BS.

You brought this into his life. It is now his story. Do you realize HOW INCREDIBLY SHAMEFUL IT IS TO HAVE A SPOUSE WHO CHEATS ON YOU? Truly? Do you? Yes, I am yelling because I am not convinced that you get that. My WH wants me to be over it-he actually said to me the other night..."it's been 3 years since this started". No a-hole, it's been 2.5 since it started for me. You made the choice 3 years ago.

I am forever mortified and humiliated that my WH made the choice to cheat on me. Regardless of the support we get here, society still looks to blame the BS. Looks to point out our "shortcomings", that we weren't "good enough". At 2.5 years out and with a remorseful WH, I am still not convinced that I can live with this. It is a dealbreaker.

He can tell who he wants. Bottom line. Be responsible if you want to R and if you want a hope that the M will last. Own it. You did it. Why is it so difficult, now, for you to be responsible for what you did?

I think you should grant your husband the freedom to tell anyone he wants (and make this clear to him), but at the same time I think you should inform your husband of the potential damage he is causing to you, your kids, and your reconciliation. I can't imagine why anyone would need to directly tell more than a dozen people, as rarely do people have more than this many connections close enough warranting such a discussion. The potential damage he is causing to you and your family is increased shame, fear, and isolation, especially on the kids who likely will have more difficulty processing the pain.

With all due respect, or the respect I can muster,

this is one of the most selfish post I've seen here.

What Nerissa said is absolutely true. It's a compulsion.

Especially after the first dday!

Others: Wool, would you like something to eat?

Me: My wife cheated on me.

Others: Wool, what day is it?

Me: My wife cheated on me.

It wasn't just a compulsion, it was therapeutic. Plus, you never know who's been down the same road.

I work in a plant of about 1400 people, several found out and really rallied around me. These were people that I originally barely knew.

So, who are you to say who will be giving your bh support? He doesn't even know that answer. I sure didn't.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:53 AM, March 3rd (Friday)]

Wool,

For the last 25 years I have worked at an industrial facility that currently employees more than 10,500 people. I have 11 direct reports. My people often work around the clock, seven days a week, and average greater than 25% overtime. I interact with projects that contain hundreds of people, the projects come and go, and the people change.

When it came to work, I only needed to tell my boss. I also elected to confide with one close coworker/friend.

Outside of work, I connected with BAN, SI, other websites like this, and obtained IC, -all of which I categorize these contacts as anonymous.

I also confided with 3 close family members.

I agree a BS should have freedom to tell anybody they want. However, I also believe a point exists somewhere short of taking out a billboard advertisement that telling others can become damaging, especially when kids are involved.

I'm honestly convinced that this is just part of how the brain processes trauma. Journaling might help the BH to some degree, but it's not incumbent upon him to be the secret keeper of his own betrayal.

still-living, I'm glad that worked out for you. With all due respect, i needed exactly what I got. It wasn't a billboard posting, it is the fact that I came from the factory floor into management and i still have their respect. We are not given a manual stating that on any given day this is likely to happen. Nor did I know what was needed. I can just say that I appreciate what I got.

As long as the BS is actually hunting to survive and not swinging a battle axe I will never fault the BS for telling anyone, not even if the BS uses a billboard approach. It boils down to knowing the BS's original intent, purpose, and need. From here, however, I will continue to promote a greater efficiency for the reasons I stated earlier, but never zero. More efficient gathering can be achieved through support groups and IC for example if the BS can gain access to these.

A reminder for the BS's posting here. Post within the rules for this forum, or you will be removed. This is not the place for a BS to swing a 2x4 or yell.