SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out today my wife was cheating on me. We moved to a horse farm six months ago to fulfill her dream of making a business out of training horses. We've had a hard time selling the previous home and she had gone to it to prepare for an upcoming showing. Shortly after she left her tablet buzzed with a notification of a message received. Thinking it might be something important related to the house showing I opened it. Her phone text messages also show up on the tablet and I saw a message with a heart shaped emotional from the guy who sells us our hay and helps with projects around the farm. Thinking that odd I opened the message thread and saw their text messages revealing their affair. Looks like it's been going on for about a month.

I didn't know what to do, so I just took off driving. Eventually I made it to our old house, and after the showing was over moved in for a while. I don't know how long.

I confronted her via a phone call. She said she still loves me and doesn't want our marriage to be over. She said the affair was her escape from the stress of our new farm, and that she's been feeling overwhelmed. She also said she'll do whatever she has to to regain my trust. It's way too early for me to know what to do.

I've been through everything today. Denial, confusion, grief. Now I just feel numb. Numb, but still fixated on it. I can't eat or sleep.

At the moment I just feel lost. Not really asking for advice. Just need to unload

I'm sorry, Notamindreader. This is a fresh wound and it has some bleeding to do. I was useless for days. Sometimes I still am. Don't expect anything right now, but do try to focus on making sure your physical health doesn't suffer too much. Food, lots of water, sleep. I know that seems impossible. I struggle with it myself. You've been thrown on a roller coaster and it will cycle up and down and they may even throw it in reverse. Completely normal, as shitty as that sounds. Even though it doesn't feel like things will ever be normal again; The numbness, fixating, cycling through stages. Feeling lost, not able to eat or sleep. It's all normal when you're getting handed this pile of bricks to the gut.

Have you seen the healing library? It's linked on the left. The articles and book suggestions are very good, and not all of them are advice. A lot of them are just walking you through and reiterating that this is a trauma and what you're cycling through is normal. On top of everything else, you don't need to feel more crazy than you already are.

I'm sorry you're here. But you'll be heard, and we know exactly what it feels like.

I'm so very sorry. Did you suspect anything or was it a complete shock? Unloading here is good, especially if you can't confide in anyone else yet.

You should inform the other mans wife if he's married. No warning just let them deal with the consequences. Do not skip this step or you'll regret it later.

Her excuses are pure bullshit.

An affair is a decision she made willingly it was no mistake.

Sorry you're here.

Apples, it was a complete shock.

until you figure out what to do, terminate the contract if you have one for buying hay from this guy. Tell him he is no longer welcome on your property. Buy your hay from someone else. Do this immediately.

Then do a 180, and do what you can to protect your investment on that farm by completing the task there while living in your old house. See her next reaction. I would also suggest demanding the sale of the horse farm 'because she couldn't handle it'. It was her dream and she blew it. You will always relate that farm to the affair. If you own the horses, seek a boarding farm to house the horses after the farm sells.

Being overwhelmed is no excuse for he to cheat. I am sure you were overwhelmed and didn't fall into another woman's arms. This isn't Bridges of Madison County.

Seek legal counsel as well.

This as a bad story. Did it go physical yet ? How deep was this thing ? if it was just an EA, which is bad enough, it might be easier to consider reconciliation. If it was full blown, that is another issue. Are you willing to play hardball ? Any kids ?

It's too early for you to know what to do but that doesn't mean you don't blow up the affair in the meantime while protecting your vested interests in everything.

I feel badly for you first and foremost. I feel badly for the horses second. As for her, she needs to do all the hard work and I wouldn't guarantee her a place with you back just yet.

While you are living at the house. are you willing to hire a PI to see what's going on at the farm ?

is the other man married ? Then expose. If not, then expose her to family and friends

My situation is similar to yours, as My WH of 30 years cheated on me and I caught him with text messages. 30 years of marriage. Unbelievable.

I'm still in disbelief. Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since I threw him out. He has cheated on me before. Once in 2009-2010 and then with the current OW (who's 33, he's 55) in 2013 and now 2016. I think the relationship went underground. Who knows.

Just so angry.

Be sure to eat. The nutrition helps. If I don't eat or drink water I'm thoroughly incapable of moving the next day. I've lost 9 pounds in 6 weeks. Take care of you. Wait till you're ready to deal with her and R.

Do not cry, beg or plead. That's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Take some time and think about what you want. Do not jump into R immediately.

Exposure to his wife will probably end their affair but don't expect it to just stop because you found out.

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. An affair thrives only in secret and darkness. Don't make the mistake of helping hide it. You may just enable it further if you do.

Go online and check your phone records if you want to see when this started. The activity will probably be there.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:14 PM, December 11th (Sunday)]

I would have had to ask her if it was alright with her for me to go find someone to have an affair with so I could escape from the stress in my life. Stress like moving to a horse farm for her; trying to sell a house; and having a wife of 30 years trade me in for a hay salesman/handy man.(Talk about trading down,wow) She needs to be reminded that during all this time you have been right there with her and never traded her for someone else. 30 years of marriage is a long time. I sincerely hope you can get by this. It will depend on her attitude and remorse and your strength and willingness to forgive and continue life with her. (I guarantee you won't forget) Take care of and protect yourself. I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 11:20 PM, December 11th (Sunday)]

Please just breathe.

Go to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. Read. Read. Read.

You don't have to make any long term decisions today but you do need to get your bearings and know your rights.

I'm sorry you are here, we are all but please approach this with eyes wide open.

Good luck.

She has to give up the horse farm. Anyone that has been in that business will tell you it's a money sink plus now it's related to her affair. Go silent with her for now so you can collect your thoughts. If you have close family and friends nearby then ask them for support.

Notamindreader,

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. Sucks to be here, but this is the best place in the world to be for what you're going through. We've been there buddy.

First things first, read The Healing Library (it's in the yellow box in the upper left corner of this page).

Second, please make sure to eat, if you can, and drink plenty of fluids. The cheaters diet is infamous. Remain active, exercise. It'll help.

Go see your doctor. This is important. You need to get tested for STD's. For that matter, so does your wife. Also, if you're having trouble sleeping, your doctor can help there too. I took Ambien to help me sleep and Ativan for anxiety after my DDay.

Don't know if this needs to be said, but no alcohol. Seriously, stay away. Not now. Later, we can share a virtual beer, but for now during this highly emotional time, it's best to abstain.

Now, is the OM (Other Man) married? In a relationship? If so, his significant other needs to know. Exposure is key to making sure this affair is dead and buried. It thrives in darkness, so let the light shine in. Decide who you want to tell - kids, parents, etc. tough choices, but consider it.

No Contact (NC) is a must. That means change your delivery guy and a clear letter or email from your wife to him stating that she wants to have nothing to do with him again and that she does not want him to contact her ever again is a necessity.

Now...another thing. Cheaters lie. It's just the way it is. I know it's tough to hear, especially about someone you've been with for so long, but she basically lied to you for the past month. But Beware the Trickle Truth (TT) and cheaters math. If she says they did it once it means a few. Two times means ten. She didn't enjoy it means it was great. One month means longer. Follow? It's rare for a spouse to be fully honest immediately. Not for any malicious intent, but for a host of rationalizations. She doesn't want to hurt you, she's ashamed, self-preservation, etc. But it might be a bit before you get the full story.

Finally, notice I didn't mention divorce or reconciliation. There's time for that conversation later. For now, the key thing is to get you out of infidelity, meaning you need to be sure that the affair is definitely over. And focus on your own health and well being. Only then can you make good decisions about your marriage.

Hang in there. You can get through this.

Make an appointment with your lawyer to know your rights.

Get in with the doctor for an std test.

Drink lots of water.

Read the healing library.

Sorry you're here. It's a crap storm, for sure. Everything you know and believe in is blown to hell. Whatever you do, do NOT make this easy for her. Don't play the 'pick me' game; it never, ever works. The more you play it, the more respect she loses for you, believe it or not. You can let her know you aren't her Plan B. You should be her Plan A and she needs to begin immediately showing you how she's going to re-achieve that. My xh's affair gutted me. I never knew something could hurt so much. Unfortunately for me, however, I didn't find SI until about 5 months after D-Day. Had I found it immediately, I would like to think I would have listened to the people on this site who DO care and who DO know what you're going through. The recommendations here are not always what you want to hear but they're most always spot on.... all based on experience.

If the OM (other man) is married, you really need to tell his wife. She needs to know what's going on in her life so she can make proper decisions in her best interest. If he is married, don't tell you wife and surely don't tell him; otherwise, he'll be ready for the confrontation and will make you out to be some crazy man trying to cause trouble.

Your wife didn't do this because she was stressed or depressed or anything else; she did it because she wanted to do it. There are no excuses for cheating. It involves only selfishness. She didn't do it because you weren't meeting any of her needs, either. Again: she chose to do it. She could have chosen not to do it just as easily. Don't let her lay any blame on you or anything else: the blame is squarely on her. Poor boundaries. If she had any self respect, she would have said no.

Whatever you do, don't make this a secret. She chose to do it, she can own it. If she really wants to stay married to you, she can jump through whatever hoops you need in order to survive this mess. And don't sweep this under the rug and move on like nothing happened. She needs to deal with her demons before the two of you can repair the damage (if that's even possible).

You might ask her: if she was so proud of what she was doing, why was it such a big secret ?

Hang in and hang on; this is not a fun ride but it IS survivable, even after a 30+ yr marriage. Living my life without a liar and a cheater is pretty danged enjoyable, actually. (((( ))))

My sympathies man.

I have to agree with all the above advice, especially the farm...it has to go, forever.

Actions have consequences.

Sorry you are here my man

She said the affair was her escape from the stress of our new farm, and that she's been feeling overwhelmed.

BS to that. Many couples go thru stressful & overwhelming issues without having to resort to fucking someone other than their spouse.

They cheat because they do not care about their spouses feelings, they have zero integrity, they are dishonest, they are liars, they ignore their marital vows and they are only concerned about themselves.

Sending strength my man

I know it is very early and the pain is overwhelming. But take it from those here that advise you to keep at least a part of your brain (and heart) at arms length from the drama. You have to. My advice would be, if the farm is not something you really wanted for yourself, then I would stay in the old house and put the new farm up for sale. It may sound like a radical decision, but it may be the best decision to the path you need to take.

I learned long ago to discard the thoughts of what "should" be or how my WW "needs" to think about this or that. Cheaters have already developed character traits that let them see and act in ways that are just unhealthy to the BS. Sometimes they are able to break out of those damaging ways of thinking, but it seems to be rare.

You take care of yourself, first and foremost. At least for a good while, do not believe anything she says. Go 180 (read the healing library on this forum). You will finds support here.

If you buy that reasoning then you're in trouble.

Most people when they are "overwhelmed" and please note that's the word or her summation of why she did this, most people..

Go to the movies

Book a holiday

Go visit family

Take up a hobby

Go to a spa, get a massage etc etc

When you're overwhelmed and stressed, the last thing you do is covertly exchange messages, plan to sleep with, actually find a place to have sex, all the while with the distinct possibility, stress and pressure that anyone including you might find out!

How much stress is that!

It's like hey I'm stressed.. why don't we book and run a marathon in Afghanistan..

I agree with DFIM and Rulk.

Selling the horse farm has to be a huge consideration. There are boarding farms where you can still pay and have your horses but your wife's untrustworthiness has now cost her her dream. In the end, you should have been the dream first, the horse farm second and there never should have been Mr. Hay.

Again, how far did this affair go ?

Western, it was a sexual affair. The texts talked about their "marathon" sessions.