SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and you are no chump Notamindreader.

Your wife is a chump and caused damage to both of you for no other reason than she lost her moral values in a huge way and for you to have read the initial texts about their sex marathons probably changes your opinion on the institution of marriage and the ability to trust people again.

That is all on your wife

Western,

For question 1, I don't know. A number of factors, I would guess. I suspect she had a period of undiagnosed depression. I know she fell in with a friend who regularly cheated on her husband. I think her sister getting breast cancer precipitated an emotional crisis. But she was never good at communicating or expressing feelings, and I think that masked a kind of narcissism.

For #2, I think it's possible. She was always secretive. I just attributed it to her difficulty communicating. On the other hand, her changes in behavior during this affair don't mirror anything I recall from the past. I try not to dwell on it.

Re #3, depends on what you mean by coming out ahead. Ahead of her? Probably not. He says that my alimony is going to be the issue and I wouldn't like what I'd be stuck with no matter what happens.

sorry to hear that. You deserve to come out ahead.

She ruins everything and you suffer.

Falling in with a cheater as a friend is never good. There's a thread on General in reference to this

Notamindreader - "And in the long run I'll be a lot better off than she will be."

Agreed. This is the case for all betrayed spouses who take their lives back. I'm glad to hear that you're on a good path. Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear your horrible tale but glad you are recovering well.

It may seem that you would have got out of infidelity almost immediately if you had exposed to his wife straightaway as many advised.

However, it did really show you her true colours in that she continued the affair even when she was aware of your devastation. It is very sad you were married to such a person for so long but you can now reflect and know that you are better off without her in your life anymore.

She is the one that lost in the long term. If she had to seek validation outside the marriage she obviously has little self esteem and is likely to lead a very unfulfilling life.

how are you holding up Not ?

Western,

I'm doing well, all things considered. The present is great, except for the aggravation of the divorce. Still plenty of sadness and anger when I look at the past, and a fair amount of anxiety over money. Other than those things I've largely moved on with my life.

Not sure if I'll ever really "get over it," but I feel like I've gone a long way towards getting past it.

when is the divorce going to get wrapped up ?

I am curious if OM's wife finally dumped him and who your wife is trying to exploit now

I don't know when the divorce will be over. It's stunning how long she can drag this out. Right now we're holding back on settlement negotiations because she's applied for a job managing a horse farm in another state. This changes the equation on everything, since it means she'll have an income. It's in my best interest to give a little time to let that happen, even though I'm frustrated as hell at the stonewalling up to this point. My lawyer says it could result in far less alimony.

I also don't know what happened to the om. His wife was angry, but said he's done this a lot before. My guess is she's just willing to live with it. My wife was livid that I exposed their affair, and from that I deduce that he was forced to break things off with her. But maybe that was only temporary. My guess is she'd find someone else to exploit, and probably has.

so sorry man, after 30 years but in the end, you know the truth and aren't 'enjoying' a false retirement with her

I know of a man in another state who was required to pay his ex alimony for 10 years. However if she remarried or cohabitated the deal was off and he would not owe her anymore alimony. I wonder if that is true in your state?

Hurt2Deeply,

Yes, that's true for in my state as well.

In Illinois if you've been married 20 years or more Alimony is for life. (I assume that means until retirement, but I doubt I'll ever retire. Not sure I'll be able to anymore) The exception is if she enters into a conjugal relationship.

I don't think she's the kind who would do that. And I think she's mercenary enough to keep the gravy train rolling.

That's too bad. I think alimony can be so unfair. I don't understand what it is based on.

Invest in a passport and explore job opportunities abroad.

Alimony is often a scam and lifetime Alimony is even worse.

I read this on another site regarding Illinois

"There are a number of different types of alimony, which continue for varying periods of time. Short-term rehabilitative alimony enables the receiving spouse to pay for living expenses while gaining the skills necessary to become self-supporting. Longer-term alimony may be ordered for a set period and then reviewed again so the court can determine whether it should continue as is, or be increased, decreased, or terminated altogether. A spouse receiving longer-term alimony is still expected to make good faith efforts (taking into account age, skills, and life experience) to become employed and self-supporting. The idea behind this is that, generally speaking, alimony payments will be terminated at some point rather than go on indefinitely. However, if a spouse can show a permanent inability to become self-supporting (the person can never obtain gainful employment), a court might order that alimony payments will continue permanently."

Encourage her to get that job NOT, and show her selfish ass the door

Western,

I agree with you completely regarding the scam of alimony. I feel the same way about no fault divorce.

I'm curious where you read that regarding Illinois. Unfortunately it no longer reflects current law. Now alimony is fixed according to a rigid formula which takes into account duration of the marriage and spouses respective incomes. Marriages over 20 years result in lifetime alimony.

Western,

Nevermind,I found the link. That information is out of date. I wish it weren't. But it's very much to my advantage for her to have a job. The more she earns the less I pay.

bump