Western,
What has happened in ten months is almost too much to mention. I'll try to compress it.
Immediately after D-day she said she loved me and wanted to remain married. The very next day, she said she wasn't so sure, didn't know how she felt etc, but hoped I would say around while she tried to figure it out. She claimed she had broken off the affair, so like a chump I believed her and stuck around. My only insistence was that we would have to go to couples counselling.
A few weeks into it we went on vacation to Costa Rica, ostensibly to rekindle romance. It was a total disaster, since she hadn't been willing to really discuss anything that had happened. The night we got back I discovered that she hadn't ever really broken off her relationship with the om.
I made plans at that time to move back into the house we had before moving to the farm, since it hadn't sold yet. Unfortunately, before I could do that pipes broke in that house during a deep freeze and gutted nearly all of the house. It was a horror. Insurance took care of it, but the repair/remodel time was around 2 1/2 months.
During that period we lived as separated/still in the same house. The laws in our state wouldn't allow me to kick her out, and I was too tapped out to afford going anywhere else. We were both lawyered up and it was pretty awkward. I didn't tell the om's wife at this time. In truth I was too depressed to do much of anything.
As soon as I was able to move back into my old house I did. At this point I told the om's wife, which ended the affair. My wife then quit cooperating with the divorce and has dragged it out ever since. It's all in lawyers' hands now.
The om's wife said he had a long history of this. I don't know if they ended up splitting or if she's continued to stick with him, but I do know that it ended their affair. I've had no further communication with her, and no direct communication with my wife ever since.
In the meantime, I was able to sell the old house, which I didn't want to continue to live in anyway, and move into a condo that I rent. I've moved on with my life, found a fantastic therapist, and started dating again.
I've had plenty of ups and downs, but it's been mostly up for the last three months. I've been impressed/dismayed at how easy it is to delay a divorce in the state of Illinois where I live, but there's only so much she can do, and court deadlines are looming. It's helped that I cut off all financial support except for the mortgage and health insureance, which I'm stuck with until the next year. After that it'll just be the mortgage, which is huge, but not enough to cover her lifestyle.
I know from second-hand reports that things are very tight for her and she's now looking for a job in another state. She wants me to agree to renting out the farm until she can develop enough of a nest egg to buy me out. I've told her that I'd be willing to do that only if we can build a cap of five years for alimony into our divorce agreement. (Otherwise I'm liable for the rest of my life.) The reality is she won't be able to even at that stage, but that's her problem and not mine.
That's pretty much it. I came back because I appreciated the support of those who commented and I thought you might want to know.
I would say that my most valuable growth has been in the form of learning how much of a chump I had been and refusing to still be one. My therapist asked me during a session what I could think of about my marriage that I would want to change in my next relationship. I thought about it, assuming she was asking me to consider what I might have done to "cause" the affair, and said I didn't think I could have done anything differently. She replied, "how about this: you were too willing to put up with someone's shit!"
I'm not willing anymore. I do wish the wheels of the legal system turned more quickly, but they move at their own pace. I know that I won't get out of this with any settlement that I consider just, but I will get out of it. And in the long run I'll be a lot better off than she will be.
