I don't post often, but as you see by my name, I'm coming up on a full year since D-Day and I'd like to share part of my story. For some reason I'm reflecting and obsessing a little more than normal, but here goes.
July 4th last year I knew something was very wrong, but had no idea what it was. Hiding phone, hiding gym bags, stupid little lies all over the place. He was restless and detached.
By July 14 I had my full answer--affairs with three young men. All the evidence was in the phone log, pictures, his bank statements and all the stuff I finally found in his car.
This was a 25 year marriage, second one for both of us. I thought we were happily married! Never would have dreamed he could be unfaithful let alone with men!
I understood immediately a few things. One, if he could lie and deceive me like this, his total disrespect would be insurmountable. Two, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life suspecting and checking on him. Ugh. Three, if he wanted men--as apparently he did--he would not be able to be faithful. On top of that, when confronted, he denied doing anything wrong and he "hoped" we could rebuild trust without him having to admit to anything. Hmmm.
Yes I was in total shock. It was truly like an atomic bomb just went off in my life. I told my closest relatives (asked them if I was crazy) then I told him and made him get out.
In the first six months, I wailed and screamed every day. I thought I was going to die from the pain and anger. But in the next six months I used that anger to divide up a home of 25 years, initiate divorce, sell the house, file for divorce, buy a new place, move myself across town-alone- & finalize the divorce. Then my dad died. Then my aunt. On top of everything else I had to face those huge losses alone. This is all within six months. I went into a tailspin, couldn't stop crying, couldn't work, spent days where I couldn't do any more than get myself dressed. I was too isolated and alone.
Finally I started seeing a therapist, asked for meds, joined two support groups--one for straight spouses. Met new people. Got out of the house. Looked for the silver linings. Said YES to everything fun and positive, still do.
I know everyone can't just walk away, but I could, and it was the right thing for me. I loved him, I couldn't believe that he could do this, but i knew I couldn't fix him or our marriage. Eventually I learned to love myself and am determined to make a good life, my life, with no more lies and deception.
At my age I doubt I will ever have a relationship with a man, but I have wonderful new friends, close ties with family, and most of all a life of peace and hope. It is still not easy, but if I can do it in my mid sixties, anyone can. Get angry, get strong, and get determined to build a new life.
A year ago I would never have dreamed I'd be on this journey, but I went through it and am coming through to a better place.
Thanks for reading and for all your stories. I feel like I know you well, and I follow your progress and cheer you on. I send each of you wishes for peace and strength.