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Spouses with Same Gender APs

Topic is Sleeping.
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BallofPain ( Member #49165) posted at 9:03 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2016

Thank you Cmego for understanding and putting my exact thoughts in coherent words! It means so much to be told that I'm not the only one.

I was like that too LMM! It even made me uncomfortable when my two gay friends held hands. They then hugged and I just wanted to vomit. I felt so ashamed that I didn't like that. I told my friend that and he was kind enough to stop the PDA around me until I was ready. He admitted he was confused but he wasn't angry. Thank god!

Hoping Gloomy still remains on the mend. I worry about her a lot. I would be devastated if she didn't end up ok.

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 7585233
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SurvivedJuly ( New Member #52896) posted at 4:50 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2016

(((Cloudy rain)))

Regarding ADs, I didn't want to take them at all, but after months of uncontrollable weeping and wailing I just had to do something.

The first one didn't seem to be helping so I asked for a different one. The new one made my heart skip beats, so I went back to the first one and gave it a little more time. It did help, and the overwhelming and irrational melancholy lifted, so I could function. I still cried some, but could stop!

Now after almost six months, I am weaning myself off the AD but if the deep sadness returns I would not hesitate to get right back to the dose I was on.

Please ask your doc to try a different AD! It made all the difference for me with no side effects. Good luck.

It does get better. Maintain hope always.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 7585376
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Facingthetruth ( Member #45667) posted at 6:52 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2016

I'm praying for Gloomy and her family.

posts: 239   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2014
id 7585771
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Cloudyrain ( Member #52782) posted at 2:47 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2016

Thanks SurvivedJuly. I have spoken to my doctor and I am trying taking the Tablet after breakfast from this morning and the awful sickness has not started yet. So hopefully they will be working well. I feel less emotional. Still get a bit upset and cry but it's not as overwhelming as it was. My thoughts of ending it all are less now as well.

I don't think my mood is helped by the limbo im in with WH. He can't decide whether to R. I find his lack of interest in me annoying and upsetting. But I still love him and against my better judgement hold out hope of R.

I'm glad to hear GF is slowly improving.

Cloudyrain xx

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7587552
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BallofPain ( Member #49165) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016

After a lot of thought, I have finally thought up a poem for our fellow, GloomyFish.

Dear GloomyFish

Please hear my one wish

To ride out this horrible weather

My dearest SI sister

We will stand together

To endure this storm

To make it to the better

Though our hearts are torn

Though we have much to mourn

We will heal

Whether by hope, travel or even a simple meal

We will not keel

My friend, for we will heal and prevail.

Not as refined as Gfish's but I hope she likes it

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 7588822
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 5:44 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2016

Dearest (((bop))))

I absolutely love it......bought me to tears once again.

My dear, dear SI sister....THANKYOU

Thank you all for your prayers and may you all find peace, strength and healing.

GF

X

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7589563
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 7:14 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2016

BeautiFul poem BOP!!!

Gloomy I am so glad that you are back! You are loved

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7589663
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 7:53 AM on Friday, June 24th, 2016

In a state of drunken madness I took the easy option

The depth of emotional sadness drew me to a pill concoction

Consumed by self pity, no thought of affecting others

I downed some bottles, mixed tablets galore then hid under the covers

But God had other plans, it was not my time to die

But left me hanging on long enough to ponder why?

I thought overdosing would kill me through and through

But instead I ended up with complications in I.C.U

Whilst I lay in an unconscious state, drips in my arm

My brain must have reprogrammed to keep me safe from harm

But needless to say a mum with a respirator and tubes everywhere

Is a sight no child needs to see, definitely not my pair

My family are so important, I acted selfishly

My darling children would never have recovered from this tragedy

And after reading here how much even strangers care

Concludes to me my inebriated actions were unfair

So, reframing my mind, once again I must pursue

A happy, life fulfilling future not in limbo feeling blue

Commit to my purpose, be the mother I always was

Fun, sparkly, loving, huggable, occasionally silly......just because :-)

And if God can see a reason for me to survive

My journey must continue not end in an obituary archive

I wished many a night for death to make mind movies end

The more I thought I could suppress I went even more around the bend

And now I see more clearly, my focus is anew

I will NOT let his actions define me....Suicide just won't do

I want to see my kids grow up, graduate, their first car, their first house

I one day want to meet who they adore, their future spouse

But witness these days together with my husband is my goal

He, the one I love, who loves me back will help me out this hole

My intentions were not to make him sad or feel endless guilt

Although he now sees how precious the life is we built

Remorseful and determined to prove himself to me

Simply put "we're salvageable" one day we will be free

But free by death, oh no.....by healing with time

I know now from powers above we really will be fine

And so too my children as long as I am here

Whether laugh or cry they will always have me near

It's time for me to start breathing on my own

Removing tubes from my airways in real life this has shown

At first you gasp, scared and confused by your surrounding

But each inhalation of new life has given me a grounding

I no longer internalise and feel all alone

I've had time to connect with God not just my internet or phone

He will guide me through now, I feel the power and love

Embracing my sorrow and shining light from above

So I can walk towards my bright future little by little

At points I may fall like a ten pin bowling skittle

But knowing his love will pull me back in line

I start to feel some peace....it really is sublime

I have new direction, new hope and a new life

My husband changing also and I'm his new wife

Our path will not be easy and emotions still run high

But on the path to forgiveness is what I try

Not just of his actions and the exclusivity we lost

But the consequences, my mental health, my life it nearly cost

I feel guilty in my weakness so need to boost self esteem

Remorseful for my selfish way...it's not who I should have been

So heal, forgive, love and find inner peace I will

For I could have ruined everyone's world, my children it would kill

Life isn't the fairytale we want, I realise this now

But happy endings can still exist we just must allow...

Time, time, time...how I despised this phrase at first

Hearing it so much made me want to burst

But even if you don't want to hear people say this at all

When your at your lowest point bashing against a wall

Remember these words that annoyed you so

Hour by hour, day by day a better life will flow.

And so on a final note I am here to say

Strong Gloomyfish survived and is here to stay

I thank you for your kindness, I have read every word

The support, love, strength and poetry have been heard

From the bottom of heart, it means more than you could know

With your advise, therapy, friends and H happiness WILL follow.

GF

X

[This message edited by Gloomyfish77 at 1:54 AM, June 24th (Friday)]

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7590052
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Cloudyrain ( Member #52782) posted at 9:31 AM on Friday, June 24th, 2016

Hi GloomyFish.

I am so glad you are back. I'm so sorry you were in such a low place. You sound more positive. Take all the help you can get.

Talk on here to us. We understand. Even if its just to chat and have a friendly ear.

You have been such a help to me and given me great advice and support. I hope you realise how much your life reaches other people. You are not alone. Your presence makes a difference.

((Hugs))

Cloudyrain x

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7590069
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 5:43 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2016

(((Cloudyrain)) THANKYOU honey xx

How are you doing? I really think you should tell your WH since he seems so unremorseful to show you he loves you and is sorry or move out. It isn't his choice to R.....it is a gift you decide if he proves worthy.....you are worth so much more than second best no matter how much you love him.

Hugs.....please tell us how you are

X

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7590394
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2016

Hi Gloomy, how beautiful your poem I can't stop crying I wish I had the inspiration to put my feelings on paper so beautifully... Maybe I will give it a try!

I can see that we are in an epic journey and much good can be created if we want to, just look at the founders of SI, i am sure this website saves lives! We can do something for others too!

I am glad that you found GOD gloomy, when I meditated for hours in my worst moments, I was really connecting with him and that helped me survive.

Infidelity feels like you are dying a little everyday, but you die to who you were and there's a new you after infidelity.

I am certainly finding a new me, today I went out with friends to eat at a restaurant that I used to go with my ex... But I didn't miss him, I had a lot of fun and felt like a new woman. I cant't believe how happy I feel today!!

A year ago i was thinking about jumping in front of a bus, what a difference a year makes!!

Blessings and much love

LMM

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7590468
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 7:25 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2016

((LMM)) I take inspiration from the strong, powerful, fun loving woman you have created from the shit you were dealt......well done.....there is hope for us all.....thank you my dear friend.......try poetry :-)

Xx

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7590497
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confused615 ( Member #30826) posted at 9:44 PM on Saturday, June 25th, 2016

I've been here for several years. During that time, I have seen women come here,and there husband has cheated with a man. I've seen men come here, and their wife has cheated with a woman.

I find it interesting that the betrayed wives are told their husband *has to be* gay. Over, and over. And over.

But the betrayed husbands aren't told their wife *has to be* a lesbian.

Oh, sure, there are a few.posts that suggest that possibility. But it is nowhere near the amount the women are told that.

I wonder why.

Vent over.

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7591311
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Lovingmyselfmore ( Member #46119) posted at 3:02 AM on Sunday, June 26th, 2016

(((Confused))))

Everyone sees the world from their own angle and the comments that you mention 100% come from the world of each one.

For example if hypothetically someone comes and has a husband who is cheating with a man and I said "he's gay" it is because of my own point of view, because I hate my ex, because I am angry at him or many other things.

Your world is different and your experience has been different etc.

Nothing of this is fair for any of us and I believe that we are all doing the very best we can to survive and to help others with the little or large experience that we have.

Hugs

LMM

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7591447
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 8:55 AM on Sunday, June 26th, 2016

Maybe it's more socially acceptable is woman are with women.......men fantasise about it right??? I can't imagine anyone feels the same way abou two guys together....and I'm not dissing homosexuals here please note, so they must be gay whereby the women are experimenting....having fun???? Who knows but I do agree with LMM too.....our journeys will influence our opinions on here....can't be helped but it's honest

Xxxxx

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7591559
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:20 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2016

If I cheated, it would only be with a woman, so I figure that's what anyone who cheats would do....

Confused, I'm confused by your vent.

Are you objecting to members who tell other members what they must do? If so, I couldn't agree more, even though/especially because I fear I've done some of that myself.

Are you objecting to the double standard, i.e. that women can experiment or actually be bi-sexual and be/become monogamous and that men are either gay or straight?

Or are you objecting to both?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26031   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7591807
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Cloudyrain ( Member #52782) posted at 12:20 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2016

I am devestated. WH wanted to talk today. He wants to divorce. He can't say he will never cheat again!! And wants to end the limbo. I thought he probably didn't want to R as he had been unremorselful. I am so upset. I was holding out hope that he still loved me. He kept asking if I wanted to talk, but I ddidnt say much and really didn't want to talk about my feelings. He stayed for ages just watching me crying and saying sorry. He's gone now. Says he might come back round later!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I'm panicking. I feel like I've gone back to DDay I just can't cipe with this pain

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7592211
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2016

((((((Cloudyrain))))))))

Ok....breathe.........just sit there and read this with me and breathe.....ok.......here we go.......

Breathe in 1 2 3 4

Exhale out 5 6 7 8

Breathe in 1 2 3 4

Exhale out 5 6 7 8

Breathe in 1 2 3 4

Exhale out 5 6 7 8

Slowly we are going to stretch up to the ceiling....like we are having a big yawn........stretch.....stretch......stretch......and drop your arms weightless

Now......scream really loud......run at your bed and punch through the duvet as hard as you can......keep punching and let out your anger.

Now time to breathe again

Breathe in 1 2 3 4

Exhale out 5 6 7 8

And (probably)...... Cry some more

You are loved, you are wonderful and you are worth SO much more than him. It hurts because you love him......but for now, love your self.

Keep posting

GF

X

[This message edited by Gloomyfish77 at 9:09 AM, June 27th (Monday)]

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7592338
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Gloomyfish77 ( Member #50540) posted at 3:52 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2016

Found this I wrote back in April and wanted to share again ---

My friends who are struggling because of gender

We are dealing with much more than an infidelity offender

A complex cobweb of questions, are they straight, bi or gay?

They need to answer and search deep in some way.

We are not the cause, they made their choice

Whether it be lust, excitement, booze or an inner voice

But still we are left with a relationship in despair

I come here because a "normal" betrayal simply doesn't compare

Yes, we have all been cheated, that is bad enough

But working out who your with is really, really tough

Why they chose to be with someone of the same sex

Makes our decision even more complex

Being homosexual is fine if that's who you are

But being with someone of opposite sex and straying is bizarre

I relate it like two betrayals merged into one

The affair & sex-gender - do we stay or run?

The wayward needs to play a huge part if you both recover

Themselves they need to study, work out why, discover

Whilst we are left in pain, awful images in our mind

Yes, everyone has mind movies....but not of same sex kind!!!!

You know what I mean.....it is sickening to the core

Who is this person I chose to adore?

I suppose amongst all my drivel...what I'm trying to say

It definitely isn't our fault in any kind of way

Be strong my friends, we will survive

Have awesome futures, feel alive :-)

GF

X

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7592370
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Cloudyrain ( Member #52782) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2016

Thanks GF. I did the breathing exercises and punched my pillows, it feels like I can't punch them hard enough.

I like your poem as well.

I've made myself eat some lunch. I keep feeling anxious. I can't stand the thiught of not being with him. Ive know him for years. We were childhood sweethearts. I thought we knew each other inside and out. We had nice plans for holidays and house extensions this year. What the hell do I do now. I have a massive mortgage. No job. Kids to support and my husband who I love so much, doesn't want to be with me at all. Would rather blow our family apart then try.

I have been pathetic and texting him this afternoon asking him to reconsider and if he loves me. He says he can't come back.

I can't stand the thiught of him being with anyone else and having a relationship or sex. Ridiculous really because he has cheated on me. I can't do this.

A good friend is coming round with wine soon. While he has the kids. I don't know how to get through this. I feel he's strung me along with weeks of MC when he never wanted me.

He said earlier im a good mum and he wants to be friends with me. What do I do with that??

I feel so hopeless.

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7592400
Topic is Sleeping.
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