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Newest Member: cobblerock

I Can Relate :
Spouses with Same Gender APs

Topic is Sleeping.

SurvivedJuly ( new member #52896) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

TroubledinTx, so very sorry for what you are experiencing. I found out when I noticed he was hiding his phone, something new. So I checked phone usage and found dozens of calls to numbers I didn't recognize, and one in particular. Then I saw hundreds of texts (and I didn't know he knew how to text! )

Decided I had to see his phone so I waited until he couldn't catch me, unlocked the car and found his phone with texts going back many months, pictures of the men he was hanging out with, a burner phone, and money transfers. Not to mention condoms, testosterone boosters, and other icky stuff.

I've had other people tell me the evidence was stashed in the car. The gym bag. The briefcase. Take pictures of all you find there. Or, what I should have done, was lay it out and ask him to explain!

Good luck to you. Based on what you found already, I'm guessing there is lots more to find. I'm sorry.

It does get better. Maintain hope always.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 7614587

HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 2:58 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

The sad truth is, it's very,very common. Our local craigslist has hundreds of new posts every day of men looking for nsa sex with other who are married...and their wives have no idea.

Yes, I sometimes browse CL m4m section to "pain shop" and the sheer number of married men on there baffles me. Some straight, some bi, some admit they're closeted, etc, but there are so so many.

I'm sorry you're here.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 11:32 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]

Me: BS | D-Day 11/3/2015

Took about 5 years of hard work, but we are R'd.

posts: 861   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7614681

Cloudyrain ( member #52782) posted at 10:12 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

Thanks for your advice everyone. I've felt to emotional to reply until now.

I did eventually hear back from XWH. he says he had explained it to me numerous times before and he doesn't want to go over it but he did say his feelings for me changed a few years ago and that's why he cheated and he was sorry, that it was nothing I had done. Its maddening cos I have more specific question I want answered. He's not explained to me what happened. I suppose he's never going to. I did stupidly reply to this that I what has happened to the relationship and feelings we had, that we had been best friends and I missed that, missed the relationship. I haven't heard anything back.

I know he went out last night cos he updated it onto a shared calendar we have on our phones. I've deleted it so I don't see his plans. It's like he was rubbing in his happy life with it. I was always anxious when he updated it and hated using my phone. Now it feels like he can't effect me this way. He can email me with any info about the kids. He didn't always put the info about when he was collecting the kids in there so I had to ask.

I know I need to move on. But I'm struggling with it. DDay was 5 months ago. He wasn remorseful we went to MC for maybe a few months. I offered R but he could never decide if he wanted to R. He asked for a D a month ago. I Didn't want to be the one to end things, if he wanted out he had to do it. I have depression and im taking antidepressants. I Spoke to the doctor yesterday that I don't feel im coping very well the last few weeks and I feel more down and keep crying, he said just to keep taking the tablets. I was quite shocked.

The kids are on summer holidays now so I spent yesterday playing with them, getting shopping in the evening. But I felt so overwhelmed I sat down with the bags of shopping and cried. My eldest heard which I felt awful about but she helped me pack it away and told me sit down and rest. She's so sweet. But I hate they see my struggle sometimes. Most of the time im acting like I'm ok.

I'm also very worried about money. XWH had a good job and he couldn't make his pay cover everything for the house and mortgage. I never really spent anything he second hand clothes and shoes, cut my own hair, used cheap shampoo and I never went out or if I took the kids out it was free. I cut the kids hair myself. We still had massive credit card bills and XWH was always moaning about the amount we spent. I never saw the bills etc myself he had full control. I was thinking during the night when I couldn't sleep that he had lots of new clothes and shoes, converse, hair cuts, expensive toiletries, a certain brand of expensive underwear, gym membership, cinema trips, evenings out with friends. How did I never notice this was so unfair while we were together!! My family think I was financlly controlled and I can really see it now. Shocking really.

But we remortgaged the house start bedore DDay and finishing a few days after DDay. Because XWH said we would lose the house as there was so much debt and £40k of credit card bill. If we remortgaged we were going to borrow extra to have some long haul holidays and enjoy life a bit more. Maybr redo parts of the house. If he was so unhappy with me why would he have all these future plans!! That makes no sense to me.

What worried me is now there is a mortgage for 25 years and then all the bills. I will have to live of benefits and im not convinced tbat would cover everything. I cannot find a job to fit in with the kids and even if I can its minimum wage. If his salary couldn't cover it how on earth will I do it?

I've supported his career, exams, extra working hours for years. I'm a stay at home mum. I'm feeling really angry and worried about it all. I'm so stuck. I really want to keep my house. But I will be clinging onto it. Then when my youngest is 18 I will have to sell and give half to XWH or buy him out. And I don't think that's possible.

It all feels overwhelming. But i have my lovely kids and we are even closer now. XWH has been letting them down a bit. He told one child he couldn't make a cd that was desperately needed for school the next day, that he didn't know how to. When I told my child this they said that's s lie he's made lots of CDs before, which I know he had as well, but I'm not going to try and cover up his error. He's been late to take eldest to school a lot of mornings then gets grumpy with the kids! They want to text or call to say goodnight and most evening he doesn't answer. I used to cover for him saying he's probably at work or in the bath, but now I've started saying I don't know why he's not replied. I used to think he was a great dad but now I'm disappointed in how he's acting. He's trying to buy affection with toys though!!!

Sorry this is so long. I haven't told anyone else this. My family and friends think I'm ok ish. But im not. I can be honest here.

Hugs to everyone who struggling.

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7614798

Cloudyrain ( member #52782) posted at 10:22 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

Howisthisreal. I look on CL etc and it's shocking to see how many men do this. I have felt like outing them to their families, it's so unfair on their wives and kids. But I wouldn't do it. But the cheating is so horrible. A site my XWH used had photos and reviews by the men of the people they had met. My XWH had a review. I think that's one of the worst parts about it !!

TroubleinTx. Sorry you are here. I would look for more evidence before yoy confront. Maybe history on phones and computer. My XWH was very good on computers and he managed to leave info there so it could be possible to find it.


posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7614800

HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

Cloudy, how sick that the site had reviews, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Me: BS | D-Day 11/3/2015

Took about 5 years of hard work, but we are R'd.

posts: 861   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7614868

BallofPain ( member #49165) posted at 2:28 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2016

Oh man, the stuff I'm hearing about CL here. *shudders*. Why do people do this? Why do our partners cause us so much pain? Why do people play along with it? I mean, married men on CL looking for fun with other men. Who would reply to such an ad? Do either of those people even realize the pain they are causing, about to cause? Disgusting!

CloudyRain, I am so glad that you are there for your kids to be a wonderful mother to them. 5 months is really a flash of time. Try not to rush yourself and "set deadlines". Everyone is different. It doesn't make you weaker or stronger if you move on at your own time.

I think it's silly that people expect you to be over it in a couple of month. Working through something as traumatic as this takes time. You don't exactly brush off a limb that's been hacked off.

On my end, I've been having a lot of down moments lately. It's about a day away from my antiversary. I would be driving and suddenly, a memory about the infidelity would rush back to me. It's been a bit tough.

My homophobia is getting a lot better now. I still feel a bit of a flutter whenever I work with a young gay coworker who's around the age of my ex. But it is a huge improvement from crippling fear when he visited in December.

While I'm not proud that I am homophobic, I am really proud of the progress I've made to step away from it.

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 7615576

Cloudyrain ( member #52782) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2016

Thanks ballofpain and howisthisreal.

I can't even see the appeal they have of meeting up with a married man. But it obviously does something for a lot of them!!! The pain they cause others is so unfair.

Howisthisreal how did you find the anniversary day? Was it yesterday? How have the down moments been? I can imagine it was a really painful and difficult day for you.

My XWH messages me that he got punched and had his phone stolen over the weekend, that he wasn't telling me for sympathy and that he would keep his eye covered when he had the kids. I did ask for advice about this on the divorce and seperation section, they advised that I should only answer any questions about kids or money and I shouldnt ask about how he is as he didn't want me anymore it wasn't my place to ask. Good advice I thought. I had felt really concerned and upset knowing this had happened and my reaction was to try and help him and talk about it but I resisted the urge to do it.

But he had the kids over the weekend and Youngest kids came back in tears and wouldn't talk about it. Took me hours to get out of them that youngest was missing dad and was worried about Dads black eye. Reassured child but unsettled and upset for ages.

Middle child wouldn't talk until very late at night. Said was very upset as she said Dad had a massive black eye, deep cuts over his face, shoulders, arms and up legs. So much more then I knew about. She had asked him if I knew and he told middle child not to tell me!!! So this upset middle child and also made her question that if me and him are supposed to be still be together but living apart why is he keeping secrets from me. She said we used to have no secrets and he always told me everything but she can see something's wrong. And how he's acting is not how a husband acts I suppose.

The kids haven't been told the he wants to D me. I wanted to tell them a month ago when he told me,but he used school events as a reason not to say and now nothing more has been said. I really don't want to hurt my kids more then they already are at the moment.

They are all finding the school holidays without Dad here really upsetting. My youngest keeps asking me to get back together with Dad. Heartbreaking.

I am worn out. Hardly got any sleep last night from worrying about everything. It seems to get worse. I have been keeping amy contact with XWH to a minimum which has been odd. Even that bit of contact I liked. Pathetic. So it feels like I have lost more. Silly really. I have only told 1 friend about him getting punched. Not told my family, I just feel so embarrassed and I know I've not done anything. I am really struggling to keep it together, I feel like I can't quite do it. I am trying to do things at my own pace. I'm feeling very lonely.

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 7616308

imtrying ( member #22031) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2016

Cloudyrain, what an awful, painful time for your kids, and for you. The selfishness of your kids' father is stunning. You are the only adult in the situation right now. It's not right that you and the kids are left with this big burden of pain while he prioritizes everything but them, or you, of course. To put the kids' needs so low on his list, if at all, is disgusting. He is checked out.

As a child of divorce, and having lived through my mother's subsequent failed relationships, I can relate to the confusion and pain your kids are going through.

When my marriage blew up, I was luckily in a parenting class with my 5 year old's amazing prescool teacher. Her advice to me was to tell him that his father loved him but was making some bad choices right now. She said it was important for kids to know that they can love the parent who is letting them down but not like the choices he is making. She said that it helps kids cope now, and later in life they remember this lesson and are more likely to make choices with full awareness of how their choices will affect others.

My son, now 24, is one of the most moral, compassionate people I know. His boss even told him that when she's dealing with difficult customers she asks herself how my son would handle it. No way of knowing if this approach really had anything to do with my son's personality, but it's quite a coincidence.

I was grateful to have something to say to him during that awful first year. It was our mantra. I couldn't say what I felt - "Your dad wants to be with someone else rather than love this family he helped create." Having something I could say helped both me and my son.

IMO, it seems like your kids will feel better when they know the family is changing. My ex told my son right away that we were divorcing, and it was probably too soon, but from my experience, not knowing, and seeing my mom cry and experiencing her being preoccupied, and not knowing why, was extremely difficult. I was able to tell my son that I was feeling sad, or mad, about Daddy's choices, and that i wished things weren'the changing, and then we could talk about how to handle feelings and keep on doing what had to be done. I never told him details, we just dealt with our needs and our feelings. Once I learned that it was OK for him to know I was sad, it was easier for me to deal with that sadness and he enjoyed joining me in talking about what people can do when they are sad, like throw water balloons or make cookies or read a story. And i'm not saying I relied on him for emotional support by any means, simply that I honored his ability to see that something was wrong, and gave him a way to understand it, and helped him see how someone can feel sad and keep going. It was never more than, "I feel sad about the choices Daddy is making and that's why I wasn't paying attention. Let's go wash the dog because that will be fun, and the dog will feel better afterwards." And my son would say, "And we can sing a song about washing the dog and then we won't think about sad things!" I was doing this for my son, so his world made sense. It was a bonus that this little bit of honesty also helped me cope. It wasn't about using him as a therapist or making my emotions his problem.

It must be so hard for the kids not to know at all what is happening, and to have their dad tell them to keep his scary injuries a secret, and to not know why he isn't at home, and hard for you to be asked to get back together with him, when it isn't even your choice. Maybe what that teacher told me to say would help you, too.

I remember thinking it was unfair that I couldn't tell my son what a selfish prick his dad was, but I never wanted him to hear criticism of his dad. My parents would tell us horrible things about each other and I knew how much that hurts. I loved my parents and couldn't handle it when one would tell me bad things about the other. So, I never did that. But now, my son and I have a great relationship, and his dad is around but not someone he turns to for deep conversations or emotonal support. In the end, kids see who we are, and can love both parents, even while seeing that parents don't make good choices all the time. And I know my son is grateful for the good choices I made, and we are open now about my bad choices, because I'veven made some whoppers.

I hope that's not too advicey. Just want you to know you are heard and that you are doing an amazing job. You will be proud of yourself in the future, knowing you got them through this terrible experience.

posts: 726   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Pacific NW USA
id 7616657

imtrying ( member #22031) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2016

It'seems helping me a lot right now to be reading this topic. I never read it much when I was dealing with xwbf 7 years ago. Recent events had me reading SI again, without understanding why, really, and last night I finally let myself open this topic, and the pain I've been in lately finally started to ease up, and things started seeming really clear. I started to write to the guy who is inspiring that pain right now, but realized it didn't matter and didn't send him anything.

For me, the issue of being involved with men who are also sexually involved with men started when I was 9 years old and has been present in all but one of my relationships. I only realized this recently, when a couple of events made it impossible for me to ignore, and don't know how to figure out how I've managed to put myself in this position so many times.

But, like with any infidelity, the behaviors are all the same, the pain is the same, and understanding that it's not about me being unworthy or not enough is healing.

posts: 726   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Pacific NW USA
id 7616669

imtrying ( member #22031) posted at 11:43 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2016

The following may be too upsetting for some to read as it involves childhood sexual abuse and homisexuality. Please dont read if you are in an emotional space. I feel like it is information that is helping me understand men ive been involved with. I hope it is useful for someone else,and not selfish or wrong for me to share.

Part One

When I was 9, we spent the summer in a different city for my moher's career, and shared a duplex with another divorced mom and her kids. I became friends with one of them. He was 12 but small for his age and I didn't even know until this year that he was older than me. We became best friends, and after that summer i saw him a few more times and we wrote to each other for awhile. I was a lonely kid, lived out in the country, was a weird, artistic, cerebral kid, didn't fit in. He was like me but more confident,and I loved him, and in my child's mind, thought we would marry.

He said he wanted to be a priest or join the navy.

We met again as young adults. He was out as gay, and had just been diagnosed with AIDS. It was the late 80s and he was told he would be dead in a year. We got wasted and laughed about our weird mothers and messed up childhoods. We cried about his diagnosis, we went to a gay club and danced for hours. After that we didn't have any contact for decades.

Recently, he moved to my city and we started hanging out. He survived AIDS. Has no viral load. He's healthy as he can be, still taking medicines, works out, eats well, takes supplements. We are in our early 50s and fell right into a comfortable friendship.

When we talked about the past, I learned some things that shocked me. At age 12, he was already sexually active with men. He would go to a park across from our duplex and meet men. I was 9 and thought he was my soulmate. He, obviously, never thought the same.

How could a child of 12 already be in that world of sex with strangers in a public restroom? How could he even know where to go or who to approach or how.

My brother, 6 years older than me, was groomed by a family friend, from age 13. My parents felt something was not right, but the man was an expert liar and manipulator. My mother worked with him, he was married and he and his wife became close to us and my mother had asked him to be a father figure to my brother. He took my brother camping, swimming, taught him about photography and classical music. Started spending way too much time withat my brothe4. Since my folks were divorced and didn't communicate well, the man played them and was able to tell my father that my mother had sent him to pick up my brother, and vice versa.

It wasn't until decades later, after this man molested one of my brother'so teenage sons and was prosecuted for it that my brother admitted to us and himself that he had been abused, too. The man had followed my brother and stayed part of his life for three decades across 3000 miles. It took until he was 39 for my brother to stop the sexual activity. He never told anyone but it ruined 2 marriages to keep that secret. And affected our immediate family and my brothers kids.

My childhood friend knew, way back then, that summer when our mothers shared a duplex, He caught that man in the restroom at that public park, having sex with a high school kid. My friend also observed this man with my brother - he had come to visit us that summer, but really it was to be with my brother of course. My friend understood immediately that my 15 yr old brother was having a sexual relationship with that adult man, even though he never caught them having sex. My friend remembers being jealous of the attention my brother got from this man. When he caught the man having sex in the restroom, theye didn't speak about it but the man later gave him a valuable gift and my friend understood it was to keep him quiet.

I asked how he knew my brother and the man were having sex and he said it was the way they looked at each other, the inside jokes, the ease between them, and that they would disappear (to go hiking they said). My parents were uncomfortable but didn't know why, for decades. My sister and I didn't like this guy, neither did my brother's 2 ex wives. None of us knew why. This 12 year old knew instantly.

Learning this a few months ago, was horrifying for me, on many levels. My friend said he had been sexually active with men since he was 9, but said, "Someone must've gotten to me before then, because at 9 I knew to do and who to approach."


For him, he's always been gay. But, my brother had sexual contact with a man from 13 to 39 but was only involved with women. Sadly, he died 16 years ago, and I can't ask him about it all now. we were very close and he had started telling me about this before he died, but we never got very deep into it.

How did it affect him to have this secret life? Did he and that man interact with other men? Was this secret the main reason his marriages failed? Did he really stop all male sex at 39?

And did this family secret, involving the brother I idealized my entire life, and talked to every day, and felt closer to than anyone in my family, and who I tHoughton of as my closest friend, did this have anything to do with the fact that all but one of my relationships were with men who had been sexually molested in childhood and who had rarely told anyone and had continued to have secret sexual lives (usually with both genders) their whole lives?

And did this family secret have anything to do with me recently allowing an Xbf back in my life, one who had been open with me from the start about his sex with men, and who had broken my heart many times, and I hadn't spoken to in 4 years? Could this all help me understand why I've once again been crying my eyes out and wanting to die because once again I let him convince me he loved me, only to then get weird and mean and shut me out completely?


posts: 726   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Pacific NW USA
id 7616720

imtrying ( member #22031) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

Clarifications on Part 1 of my story

1. Homosexuals, Heterosexuals, and People Who Abuse Chuldren

I don't want anyone to think that I equate homosexuality with adults who sexually abuse children or underage teens.

I know 100% that adults who prey on children or underage teenagers, male or female, have a different kind of sexuality. There are actually different words - they are pedophiles if they prefer children. Hebephilia is sexual preference for ages 12-15 and ephebophilia is 15-18. And how sad that we have had to create words for all this,

A leader in a beloved children'should program my son was part of was convicted of having sex with a boy starting when he was 11, and she was a woman in her 50s. That doesn't mean all hetero women are attracted to children, and I have many many gay friends who would never have sexual attraction to children. Women sexually abusing children in their professional care is getting more recognition lately. Sone times it is a female victim, sometimes male. Just the same as men who sexually abuse children.

I mentioned that my brother and a nephew were both sexually molested as teens, by a man. But I also have another nephew who was sexually molested as a teen by a woman. She actually started as his counselor and began a sexual relationship with him and,after he was 18, moved him into her house and they became a "couple" for many years before he broke away. She started abusing him when she was 50 and he was 15.

I just don't want anything I say to contriBute to anyone thinking that homosexuals are child molestors.

2. Gay, Straight, Bi

I was raised to believe what studies have proven - there is a spectrum with 100% HETEROSEXUAL on one end of it and 100% HOMOSEXUAL on the other end. All of us are somewhere on that spectrum - either on one end, or the other, or ANYWHERE in between.

For me, I am mostly hetero but I have been attracted to women and even had little crushes on women in the past. However, I'm not interested in being sexual with women and when I tried it in the past I was bored and it didn't turn me on and i didn't want to try it again. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I wanted. It doesn't turn me on to see women being physical together. I never feel for women what I do for men.

I know people who equally prefer both genders, or are mostly one or the other but also enjoy the other gender sometimes. Some people want same sex encounters, but only want emotional or romantic bonding with opposite gender partners, or vice versa.

It really seems to me that the spectrum % model makes the most sense. I believe there are reasons for the different percentages - sometimes it is how you are born, sometimes life experiences affect where you fall on that spectrum and what you do about it.

And how our society teaches us to think about sexuality affects choices and desires, too. More on that in Part 2.

ETA: I'm so afraid I'm going to be chastised for writing so much here. And i'm sorry if it is inappropriate. I am writing because I need to talk about this stuff and how it relates to the infidelity i've suffered from terribly, and in the hopes that something in what i've learned might help someone dealing with same sex infidelity in their hetero relationship. There is more on this phenomenon than there used to be online, but it's still hard to find support or answers. And there is still a lot of misinformation, misunderstanding and shaming out in the world for people going through this.

[This message edited by imtrying at 7:28 PM, July 25th (Monday)]

posts: 726   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Pacific NW USA
id 7616802

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

Imtrying.....there is no such thing as posting too much. I, for one, found your posts insightful,interesting, and I'm so sorry for your brother, your friend, your brother's exwives, and all of us in this situation.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7617544

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

So I need advice....

A few years ago,it seems my kids overheard an argument between wh and I. They heard me say...."Why don't you just go be with Jon(OM) since I'm not enough?"

They never said anything to me about it..until the other day...when they asked me if daddy is bisexual.

I wanted the floor to swallow me up.

They are 12 and 13.

Thankfully the phone rang, and it was my oldest daughter, so I intentionally spent a long time on the phone with her.

The kids went to their room, and the subject hasn't been brought up since.

What do I say to them??

On one hand, I don't want to lie to my kids. I have an excellent relationship with both of them.

But...I don't know how to say yes, I think he might be....also..wh has told me he is not gay or I'm not sure what to say here.

As I said earlier, my youngest came out as bisexual to me a few weeks ago. You can read my earlier post to see my response...But basically I said it was fine, no big deal. Because it's just not. But she is my child...not my husband...and it is a huge deal to me if he is bisexual. I don't want her to think it's something to be upset about..You know? And she would surely know I am upset about her dad.

And it confuses the Hell out of me...and I'm a few days away from my six year antiversary. Surely if I tell them they will be confused? I don't want that burden on their shoulders. But, maybe they would handle it better than I did.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so scared I'm going to say the wrong thing.

And yes....Fuck me and my damn mouth. I've been so careful to not argue with him about this situation when they are home. So careful. But..I slipped. It was the middle of the night, and I thought they were asleep. I feel like a terrible mother.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7617554

Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

Wow Imtrying what a story!

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

The story of your 12 year old friend left me like this!

How could he had sex at that time with strangers and made you believe that he was straight?


Thanks for sharing that story...

We humans are very complex and only we know exactly what is going on in our head!

And there's a lot of people that has mental illness and appear to be normal but they are capable of atrocities.

I used to believe that my ex was a wonderful man and in fact he is a monster.

I believe that there are worst things in this world but this is something beyond me completely.

I lost a lot of things and my sanity for almost 2 years.

Sometimes I am not sure I will be able to rebuild my life since I was in a critical time in my career and my personal life and this 2 years that I was depressed are completely lost and gone.

My neighbors have a new baby now and I have nothing.

One of my coleagues that was way behind me 2 years ago now is traveling and is famous in our circle and I feel like an insect, invisible, sad and left behind.

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7617555

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:24 AM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

confused, Why not talk to your H about answering your kids' question?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30040   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7617732

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 2:19 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

Why not?

Because in the last year,or so, my "happily reconciled" has changed dramatically.

He refuses to talk about it.

If I bring it up,he leaves the room.

If I trigger, he leaves the room.

If I'm sad, he pretends he doesn't see it.

He insists he's not bisexual. And, that may be. But he certainly enjoyed his sexual encounter, and was looking for more when be was caught.

He's become abusive again.

I don't trust him to handle their question appropriately.

I am sure he will be angry, and tell them he's not. If he addressed it at all...which he wouldn't.

I told him our daughter came out to me. I told him she asked first,if anyone else in our family was bisexual. I told her her aunt is(my sister), and then she told me she thought she might be as well. After I handled that,my son asked if daddy is...and they both told me what they overheard a few years ago.

I did not tell him that part of the conversation. I know what he would say. He would be furious with me because they overheard me say what I said two years ago. It will be my fault.

I am very unsure about my marriage at this point.

He loves his kids, but feels the father's role is to support the family, and he leaves the parenting to me. He doesn't really know them the way I do. Now that my son is older, and likes the boat,fishing,hunting,etc, they are spending more time together. But my daughter goes days without seeing him. She spends a lot of time in her room when he's home....she's fine...she's just at that age where she likes to be in her room with her kindle,anime, drawing,etc. Both of my kids are introverts,like their mama.

I can not trust him to handle that question with the sensitivity needed,especially considering my daughter's recent revelation.

So I'm going to have to do it.

I'm not going to bring it up again,unless they do.

Bah. But that's just rugsweeping. I know that's not good. I know I need to sit them down and address their question. I just don't know how.

They were very young when dday hit. I immediately had my oldest take them to the park, where they stayed until wh picked them up and took them to his parent's for a few days. When they came home, I'm sure they sensed the tension,but it was not discussed in front of them. They started school a few days later. At the time, he worked second shift, so when they were gone,he was home, and when they were home,he was gone.

I tried to keep this from them...and I failed. Now I'm in an impossible position.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7618047

HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 2:50 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

Howisthisreal how did you find the anniversary day? Was it yesterday? How have the down moments been? I can imagine it was a really painful and difficult day for you.

The anniversary day for when he started cheating? It was so long ago, he doesn't remember actual dates.

I can easily find the actual date for d-day because I have pictures from a cub scouts meeting we were at when he had forgot his phone and went outside, a scout leader brought it to me and I saw the secret email while sitting there in cub scouts.

I try not to think or remember the actual date of d-day, I don't want it seared into my brain but I think it was November 3rd.

As for our wedding anniversary, it's coming up in September. I don't know how I'll feel.

My down moments have been less again. He really is trying to help me through this all, he has tried to help and he's been a model wayward, from the moment I came home from leaving him for a week after D-Day. He texts me almost every morning saying "good morning, I love you". We have since moved out of state to be closer to my family/support system. He knows sex scenes trigger me, so if we are watching TV and one comes on, he automatically fast forwards through it.

I had a long talk with my mom about it the other day, she helps me snap back. She knows that he's always been good to me and our kids (other than the cheating obviously). He's working to be a better person, she fully supports us working through this so it's nice to have someone to talk to about him.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:58 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)]

Me: BS | D-Day 11/3/2015

Took about 5 years of hard work, but we are R'd.

posts: 861   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7618079

Maryjen ( new member #54040) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

Confused, this is a very delicate situation to navigate through!

Parenting gets way harder with all this other crap in our lives.

Your priority has to be on the kids side, especially as you clearly have an amazing open relationship with them. The fact that your daughter was able to tell you she might by bi at this age is something to treasure and protect ( jealous as I can't get any info out of my teenager )

I don't think you can avoid answering their questions, although it is the easier option. I also don't think you have to answer to your husbands sexuality, that is all his. Given that he will probably screw up dealing with this, you are right to not let him.

I don't see anything wrong with saying you don't know if dad is bisexual. They overheard you so they know something. Some people are lucky, they are in a supportive environment and can let their sexuality develop naturally as your child is doing. Others don't grow up with that support, or with the increased acceptance society has now verses 20 years ago. For others it may never become completely clear, or something they can accept or something they can talk about.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2016
id 7618227

monika ( new member #53472) posted at 8:02 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

Confused, my oldest daughter recently has become very interested about lgtb. I am afraid she might have heard something from our conversations... To be honest, i am waiting for her to ask such a question asyasyour chhld did... It hurts when she discusses lgtb matters. I leave it for my husband to answer the questions.... I am not able so far. Sorry to hear about your situation. You gave me some hope when I first entered this forum in June.

My husband tries very hard to work on our marriage. We talked over the matter of his bisexuality and evetual same sex urges-he claims not to feel them now when we started to be so close again. He agreed to tell me if he felt them again. I know he enjoyed his ONS with another guy. That sucks a lot :(

However he truly enjoys our sex life and I try to handle the fact that he is bisexual. I try to believe he is not going to act on it anymore.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2016   ·   location: Germany
id 7618422

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016

Oh, confused, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this, mainly with your H, but also with your children. You deserve better.

You've shared so much wisdom with SIers ... it's time to share it with yourself. (I have no idea what the right answers for you are.)

I wish you the best.


fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30040   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7618455
Topic is Sleeping.
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