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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Cloudyrain posted 6/27/2016 10:23 AM

Thanks GF. I did the breathing exercises and punched my pillows, it feels like I can't punch them hard enough.
I like your poem as well.
I've made myself eat some lunch. I keep feeling anxious. I can't stand the thiught of not being with him. Ive know him for years. We were childhood sweethearts. I thought we knew each other inside and out. We had nice plans for holidays and house extensions this year. What the hell do I do now. I have a massive mortgage. No job. Kids to support and my husband who I love so much, doesn't want to be with me at all. Would rather blow our family apart then try.

I have been pathetic and texting him this afternoon asking him to reconsider and if he loves me. He says he can't come back.
I can't stand the thiught of him being with anyone else and having a relationship or sex. Ridiculous really because he has cheated on me. I can't do this.

A good friend is coming round with wine soon. While he has the kids. I don't know how to get through this. I feel he's strung me along with weeks of MC when he never wanted me.

He said earlier im a good mum and he wants to be friends with me. What do I do with that??

I feel so hopeless.

Gloomyfish77 posted 6/27/2016 10:35 AM

Sent you PM

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/27/2016 17:37 PM

Dear Cloudyrain,

I am so sorry this is so painful and now you are going through a big trauma.

Are you in IC?

About the mortgage... if you divorce isn't he obliged to pay for the mortgage and to give you support?

If he can't come back and is not sure about loving you, maybe this is for the best.

I KNOW it is painful... I was there and it sucks. I didn't want to separate from my ex either but I read several books mainly by Bonnie Canye who has experience in this topic (bisexuals and gays married with heterosexual women) and the stories and suffering of those women were unspeakable.

Those books gave me the courage I needed to let him go.

Because I wasn't going to be happy in that relationship knowing that he wasn't who I thought he was and knowing that he was capable of having more encounters with men... and the most terrifying thought was: What if he is in fact gay and in a few years he just tells me and gets out of the closet?

What if I loose more of my precious years with him trying to reconcile to someone who can't love me because I am a woman and he prefers men?

You have many fears right now and they are normal but they are an illusion, they are not real and there's proof:

In the new begginings forum, there's a thread called Fear VS Reality, you can read it here:

Many people who first came and posted in that thread are now happy and some of them remarried (I posted more than a year ago my fears there)

I hope you feel at least a little hope that your current fears are not real and only are puting more weight on your shoulders.

Take care of yourself for now, keep posting, post in JFO for you are going through a DDAY again, so if you want post there and many people will help you and give you excelent advice and support.

It will pass, maybe this is for the best. Who knows? Many people who have been in SI for 5 years or more are now happy and in new relationships and they come in to tells us to not worry and that everything will be fine and it just takes time.

I know in my heart that this is the best for you ... would you settle with someone who doesn't love just for the fear of being alone?

What if you deserve MORE, a lot more from a relationship a lot more from life and from love.

Keep posting and take care of yourself, we are here for you.


Cloudyrain posted 6/30/2016 08:41 AM

Thank you LMM. Good advice. it's hard to see anything clearly at the moment. I'm struggling to function. I keep feeling so sad. I had a few up times but it doesn't last. In the middle of the night i felt like leaving the house and ending it all. But I have my kids there and couldn't leave them alone.

My friends and family don't understand they think its all for the best and I am better of moving forward. They can't see the despair I am in.

I fear that my husband is actually gay and that's why he says he couldn't be faithful to me. Cos he doesn't want to. He can't love me to want to be unfaithful to me.

He was my first love and I have been happy and in love with him for years. I wonder if any of that was real.
I can't imagine ever liking someone else. I've been so devoted to him and it feels all one sided. I keep resisting the urge to contact him. No I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me.

I have to carry on for my kids. I am struggling to do the minimum amount. I need to be getting a job and getting organised but I can barely keep us all washed and fed.

I wanted to tell the kids soon but he's listed days out the kids have over a few weeks and thinks it should wait until after then. I've slipped up a few times about little things when I've spoken to the kids so im having to watch what I say a lot.

Just waffling on like this helps get some of these thoughts out of my head
I should be starting IC soon, I really need the help.

sisoon posted 6/30/2016 10:50 AM


I think you're expecting too much from yourself. You've been traumatized in a shocking way, and it takes time to recover, especially since you have kids to take care of.

It takes a lot of power to do even the minimum after being betrayed. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate what you accomplish. Have faith that you'll feel better as time goes on.

I guess I'm with in thinking that your H doesn't want you, if he wants a man (or men). That's a compliment to your womanliness. You're not a man, and (I presume) you don't want to be one. But this isn't rejection; rather, you and your H are just a bad combination for an M.

Right now you're in despair. That's normal, I think; I certainly felt a lot of despair in the early days. Being betrayed is awful; tremendous amounts of grief anger, fear are dumped on you. Splitting is traumatic - more pain gets dumped on you before you've gotten far in processing the pain of being betrayed.

But you can process your pain. You will feel better. You can survive this and thrive. But to get to 'thrive,' you've got to process your pain, and that's time-consuming and, well, very painful.


Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/30/2016 12:53 PM


You are going through a huge trauma and you are going through the thoughest part of this ordeal.

This is the VERY THOUGH part in my opinion and nothing will compare to this or at least that has been my experience until now.

And is so painful that you cannot see in front of you, you don't believe that you will feel better again or that you will be strong and happy but you will, I promise.

One thing that helped me immensely was to love myself.

How does it feel to think about loving your self? Is it possible that maybe being loving to YOU can help you heal a little bit the pain of separation you are feeling? Because I am sure that a lot of our pain comes from the separation from our own love, from our own caring, from the love that we are but no one can rob us our own love.

No one can take the love away from us, is just an illusion and if you are kind to yourself and put the image of that person sitting in your heart and then send love to him, there in your heart NOT OUTSIDE, you will --if only for a moment- feel good again, feel love again and maybe you will find that you haven't lost that feeling of love and that it is not outside of you.

I did that when I was suicidal, and I believe that it stopped me from trying to kill myself.

I had to do that several times a day the first few months but It worked for me.

I hope it helps, much love!

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 1:24 PM, June 30th (Thursday)]

BallofPain posted 6/30/2016 18:28 PM

Oh Cloudy,

I can feel a slice of the pain you're feeling. Even though I haven't been in your exact shoes, we have walked the similar path. You have said many of the same things I did during my first months of DDay.

I didn't want to leave him either. He didn't want to try, though. He said that he didn't want to hurt me again. I was heartbroken. I would have given almost anything to have him come back to me. For him to say "Yeah, I'm willing to try this, to work on us" but, he never did.

It took a lot of time and work for me to let go. Even then, I'm not sure if I've truly let everything go. It took a lot of time in IC, It was quite an investment, I will warn you of that. It made a difference.

The answers will come with time. I know, it's frustrating to keep hearing that. But, almost suddenly, things will become clear like a rain storm fading. Bit by bit, answers will just pop into your head. Your mind just needs time to coccoon itself and heal. Let it heal, give it that time.

A thought came to me as I was driving home. It was something my friend told me a few years ago. It was that God will test you. That he will not give you a test he does not think you will fail. He knows that you can handle this test he has given you and if you pass the rewards will be great. Mind you, I'm not sure I believe it. I don't feel any reward.

Cloudyrain posted 7/2/2016 19:11 PM

There is lots of good advice and im trying hard to listen but I'm struggling between putting on a total act for my kids and not being able to hold to together

I don't really know how to words this but yesterday I dropped the kids of at school and just felt like I couldn't cope with the pain anymore. I got home locked myself in the house then took knives In the bedroom with me and had the intention of ending it all. I couldn't do it. I was scared of the pain. And worried my kids would find me. I didn't do it and tried to sleep. I've not told anyone. I talked to my sister and a friend that I was depressed and they just don't understand.

I've held it together and had to look after my youngest today going swimming. While the other kids went with xWH to a theme park. Which I had to get them up early for. I was struggling to cope this morning so they weren't ready on time and he moaned about this. He has no idea how lucky he is that I was able to drag myself out of bed and try to organise rhings. He seems fine.

I am so lonely. I only have a few friends. I hardly ever go out anywhere. I don't have a life really beyond my kids. And it used to involve my husband. I have been looking back at the messages he sent those men. He liked men for years, he married to young, he wasn't sexually for filled, he didn't care about my sexual health, all the disgusting rhings he wanted those men to do. I feel that I have gone mad with it all. I'm walking around looking ok to everyone but I'm not.

How could the only Man ive ever loved. Who I was devoted to. Do this to me.

I don't know what he's tild his family since telling me he wants a divorce. They haven't contacted me at all. I keep thinking that it's all what an awful wife I was. Like the things he said to me. I was too negative. I couldn't sleep through his snoring so slept in another room. It's nakibg me crazy not knowing what they know.

And still I stupidly don't want him to divorce me.

I spoke to a counsellor a few times online. She thinks he has a sex addiction or conclusion. I sent xWH website info about this and he thanked me for it. Whether he does anything with info is another thing. He said he couldn't stay with me cos he can't say he won't cheat. Argggh. I know I shouldn't have contacted him at all.

We have text cintact about the kids and even that makes me happy to hear from him at all. How ridiculous is that. I feel very pathetic.

I have been in bed a few hours and i can't sleep. I feel so down and weepy, I can't stop fixating on him. On the whole situation. I want to beg him to come back. I have stoppped myself contacting him.

i need sleep. I am so tired. My kids want me to do some baking with them tomorrow and all I can think is i don't have the energy to do anything. But I have to. Where as he's been out to see films. Which he said in front of me ro one of the kids, there was no need to menrion it near me. I've asked him before to stop doing this. It just rubs it in that im struggling with all the kid and depression and heartbreak, kids not sleeping still cos they miss their dad. And he's out doing what he wants. Well I sypposr he's single now, he will do. !!

I need to sleep.

BallofPain posted 7/2/2016 23:41 PM

It's so hard, I feel you. I remember my first weeks, my first months after DDay and break up. It was so very hard. The pain was unbearable. I wanted so much to sleep peacefully. But no matter how hard we try, sleep never came, or it came in mocking fleeting moments.

We understand you're not ok. If the right kind of people knew what kind of pain you are enduring, you are trudging through they'd accept it.We're here for you. Keep reading our posts, keep posting here. Someone will listen and respond. If not here, then somewhere else on the board.

What your husband did to you is enough to drive anyone mad! Ask anyone on this thread, it drove us all mad. Mad with grief, anger, pain.

You not wanting a divorce is not stupid at all. You devoted yourself to this man, you loved him. It's not stupid that you don't want to give that up. On the same note, hearing from him making you happy isn't ridiculous. It's an understandable reaction.

It drove me crazy that whenever I saw my ex post anything online, he was fine, he was happy. It was like nothing really happened, that everything was hunky dory that...I didn't matter. That I was worth being hurt over. That I was a bother. God, that hurt so much, and it disgusted me that it bothered me that much. The thing is, you don't know what he's like beneath the surface. What he's feeling. A few people once reasoned to me that people show the good stuff about their life but behind closed doors, they could be facing the worst trials ever. Who knows...

Gloomyfish77 posted 7/3/2016 02:39 AM

Oh (((((Cloudyrain))))

Life is shite right?? And we have opposite positions. Your WH wants divorce mine definitely doesn't yet we are still both immensely sad and wanting to end our own lives!!!!!!

I have no advice honey. I'm just so very sorry. Sending love, hugs, peace and strength to you.


Cloudyrain posted 7/3/2016 04:51 AM

I got a bit of sleep. Thanks for the replies. I had felt so alone it helps a bit knowing someone hears me.

I have so much to do today but I've gone back to bed. Youngest is with XWH and the other kids are busy in their rooms.

I hate all the fun stuff he's posting online. It really is like nothing has happened with me. Like he has no shame!!!

We have just been texting about my youngest. I'm having trouble with my phone line so we were talking about changing it into my name and him getting help at work with all this. I am now in floods of tears. He was saying the kids seem fine and happy. I said I act happy and try really hard. And I said I'm struggling to cope. Now no reply from him.
Why why why did I just tell him that. What was I expecting him to say to me!!!!! He's the one causing my pain he won't take it away. I Wish I hadn't said that.
He's just text me saying if we need to change arrangements with the kids to make it easier we can do!!!
Does he not understand that I am struggling with him, missing him. It's taking over my whole like.

GF. You are right we are both having a awful time. I struggle to see a solution. It's rubbish isn't it. Sending you lots of hugs, I know you've had an awful time and I do appreciate your support.

Ballofpain. When did you find it got any easier?
I think because Weve had MC and I've heard how more relaxed and happy he was since not being with me, how he was feeling more like himself as he could be open about liking men, I don't know if he is in pain about missing me!!!

And I was trying so hard to 180 and now I've totally ruined it. I look needy and pathetic to him now.

Gloomyfish77 posted 7/3/2016 05:25 AM

You are in full blown grieving mode honey. You have lost the life, your bubble world, your husband and you are grieving that loss. Let the tears flow......lets it out. Then when you have to smile around the kids do so BUT then take a break and cry some more.......don't let it overwhelm you, just feel the sadness and know it will pass, it will, eventually. I want to hug you IRL .......but a virtual hug is all I can send (((cloudy))))

When you feel low think of your children not your pain. Leave the knives alone......trust me......do not attempt to take your life.....you are a strong brilliant woman just struggling with traumatic change.....but life can be and will be great as you move forward.


confused615 posted 7/3/2016 08:04 AM

I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to respond. I had typed out a nice long response the other day, and my internet dropped so I lost it.

I think it's the double standard that upsets me the most. As I said, any woman in our situation is told her husband has to be gay...HAS TO BE. The men don't get that response.

There is a man right now, who just arrived here on SI. He's started a few threads, and has received many responses. I would have to go look again, but I'm pretty positive he hasn't had one person suggest his wife might be a lesbian...except me. And I just asked,since she seems to not want to let the OW go, how does he know she's not a lesbian. But, it's hardly the overwhelming insistence that she HAS TO BE a lesbian.

I don't think,just so I'm clear, that either gender should get the insistent posts.

True, people are only posting based on their experiences. I probably would have assumed the same things before dday. But I've educated myself, and I know better now.

Sisoon, I have tremendous respect for you. However, I've always had the impression that the gender of your wife's AP has never been a big deal to you. That betrayal is betrayal. And I absolutely agree. But, when it's a wife, and her husband has been sexual with another man...it is a huge factor. I don't know why...maybe because society has taught us that women are just playing around if they flirt with other women, and men being with other men is still somewhat taboo. Or maybe it's other, more personal reasons.

I do know that I was drowning in the fear that my husband was gay. Cheating can be worked out. If he's gay, there's nothing I...or he..can do about that. Had I found SI right after dday and had I gotten the typical responses towards wives in that situation, I probably would have offed myself. It would have been too much.

I don't post about my situation,outside of this thread, because I don't want those responses. I mean, do I know that could be possible..he could be in deep denial and be gay? Of course I do!! But I don't need post after post insisting it must be true.

I just don't like it. It pisses me off.

Vent over.

To the new member here that is dealing with his wife having an affected with her female co-worker....I used your threads as an example...I.hope you don't find me insensitive to your situation. I'm not. It's tragic. You are safe here,and you are welcome post. Please do. My apologies if I have offended you,in any way.

Cloudyrain posted 7/3/2016 11:16 AM

Thanks GF. It is the kids that are keeping me going. I will try and leaves the knives alone. I just feel so trapped.
I've done some baking with the kids today. It was hard for me to find the energy to do it, but it was nice and the kids enjoyed it.

I may contact the doctors tomorrow maybe see if my anti depressant amounts could be increased. Maybe that would help.

Thanks for the virtual hug ((((((Gloomyfish ))))))

I've given myself little breaks from the kids. I think I've hidden my tears from them.

How are you feeling today GF?


Gloomyfish77 posted 7/3/2016 11:48 AM

Well give yourself a super high five and pat on the back for baking with your kiddies....that's my girl :-) See.....the strength you have????? Awesome

Now do something for you. Paint your nails, read a book, do some colouring, write a poem, knit ( if that's your thing?) just something that will be just for YOU.

Funny how I like to offer advice huh but don't listen myself to it

Me.....I'm so so


Gloomyfish77 posted 7/3/2016 11:49 AM

Oh yeah, upping your ADs might be advisable too.....what are you on again???? And how much??

sisoon posted 7/3/2016 12:05 PM

Oh, wow, confused. I'm sorry. All I can say is that too many people have such a visceral fear of male-male sex that they just don't want to deal with it, so they tell women on this thread to run.

But we know some women can have enjoyable sexual relationships with both men and women. I just have to believe men can be bi, too - which means R is possible under the same conditions for us as for any other BS/WS couple (BS offers R, WS is remorseful /contrite, etc.).

Perhaps that's a message we need to state explicitly to newcomers, and perhaps we need to emphasize to newcomers that they can ignore any response that doesn't make sense to them.

Actually, the fact that my W's ap was a woman has made it easier for me to cope. I take her choice too mean that she wanted a woman, and I was too manly to satisfy her want - but I tend to look at things positively. I think I probably would have had a harder time if her ap had been male.

Cloudyrain posted 7/3/2016 14:15 PM

Thanks GF. That's nice of you. It did feel a massive effort to do baking with the kids.

I never do anything nice fot myself. I always mean to but there's so many other jobs I don't get done that I forget myself. So far eating a meal and sleeping a bit are my treats. And obsessing 24/7 over my husband. Sad sad life im leading. I can see that I should do something nice for myself. I will paint my nails once the kids are in bed. But GF you have to promise to do one nice thing for yourself today!! Ok.

All the kids are back home now. I was a weepy mess when I saw XWH today but I tried to hide it. I just want him to hug me and make It all ok. But he ran back to his mums house. I can't kid myself he cares, if he did he would do something. If I could go no contact with him it would be so much easier. How do other people deal with this?

I am taking Citalopram 20mg a day I've been taking them for over 3 weeks so it's not long for them to start working. I suppose it could be upped to 40mg but I'm worried I will feel spaced out. I did when I first started taking them, but it feels fine now.


Gloomyfish77 posted 7/4/2016 00:42 AM

Good morning sweet lady (((Cloudyrain))

Did you sleep ok honey? I hope all that baking wore you out and you managed to get a decent night sleep? I also hope you got round to treating your nails to a funky colour??? :-)

I'm really, really concerned for you and want to touch on this comment you made....,.

I got home locked myself in the house then took knives In the bedroom with me and had the intention of ending it all. I couldn't do it. I was scared of the pain. And worried my kids would find me

Honey, all the advice in the world probably won't help or stop you feeling like you want to end it all. Please trust me when I say I understand.....I get it, I really do BUT you have the power to overcome those thoughts.....you already did....you thought of your beautiful children and the pain you'd cause them. Keep thinking that way, please. Keep feeling scared of the pain.......physical pain only adds to the emotional pain. Physical damage to yourself leaves visible scars but emotional anguish when dealt with properly doesn't. Everyday I look down at the scars I'm left with on my wrists, thighs and even under my arms (on my bat wings!!!! :-) I am very sad it came to that, I should have been stronger but that was my release. Everyday, I look at my children smiling, happy that mummy is home and realise the huge impact my suicide attempts, had they been successful, would have had on them. Sometimes we need to step outside ourselves and look in on our lives as if we are an onlooker. As painful as it is look at everything as a whole.....write down a list of what you see.....write down some positives about WH and you being separated.....here, I'll start -


No more lies or false pretences
No longer surrounded by WH booze binges
Not trapped by a man who doesn't love me
No more secret, dirty hook ups with men for me to worry about
Freedom to find myself ....not being just "the wife"

Carry on Cloudyrain....carry on.....

My other concern regarding your comment above is keep a close eye on yourself with the side effects of your ADs. Self harm and suicidal thoughts are serious ones....talk to your doctor as upping might increase those thoughts.....it did for me :-)

Sorry for the lecture, I just really care.

Hope the sun is shining where you are this morning.

((Big hugs))


BallofPain posted 7/4/2016 15:47 PM

I'm going to build on the last part of GFish's post about the positives of being separated. I was devastated and felt like such a failure when I first came here and I had already broken up. I was green with envy with all the spouses attempting R.

There was a woman here in this thread that reasoned with me named TheWorstWitch. She told me that being in limbo was absolute torture. It was on my JFO thread and I'm having a hard time trying to dig it up I remember she said "I'm in a state of limbo where my husband tells me over and over again how he loves me. Don't envy me, it's torture".

Not being "The wife" may not seem like a blessing now but eventually, it feels good to be known as yourself rather than the wife. Right now, it pisses me off when someone calls me "(Ex's Name)'s ex". I have a name!

The freedom to do what you want without having to consider your ex. I don't have to worry about booking theatre tickets that have to be beside each other. I can go to a concert without feeling bad that he's not going.

Opening up to coworkers, to people and making new friends. You'll be surprised where you find friends. I made a friend while waiting for a counsellor at the free counselling service. I workout regularly with a coworker.

This is something that is not on your mind now, but a few years down the line, it might be. It feels wonderful to meet someone who treats you very well. Someone who is faithful to you, because he knows you're worth that. It may not seem like it will happen, but it may and it will surprise you.

I could use some supportive words for the rant ahead.
I learned that the cheating was a coping mechanism for my ex. I still find I blame myself a bit for putting him on the path to cheating with men when I asked if there was something going on between him and a male friend. He was stressed, depression was hitting him. So, he turned to doing men. I've noticed since the break up that he stopped his new found hobby for a bit, but when he lost his job, the hobby started up again. When he went to school and money got tight, the hobby started up.
I find that there is a benefit to not being with him in that because it's a coping mechanism, because he refuses counselling, that I would just have to live with that again and again if we had decided to work things out. What happens if he got stressed again? What happens if we got married and had a child? There would ALWAYS be that risk that he would decide to "Cope" in that way again.

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