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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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confused615 posted 6/13/2016 20:01 PM

Big hugs to our Gloomy girl.

Cloudyrain posted 6/14/2016 06:33 AM

I'm sorry to hear Gloomyfish is so unwell. I really hope she gets the help she needs. She's always given me really good advice and been very welcoming. Sending lots of love to you GF.
Thanks for the update. X

elcapeeetan posted 6/14/2016 07:44 AM

Hey Lovingmyselfmore,

Thanks for replying. I believe you are right about same sex attraction always being a possibility for her. My IC said it could be she doesn't know what healthy boundaries look like. When she grows close to a friend, she doesn't know how to advance in the friendship without it turning sexual. That's just one theory. She won't admit to struggling with it even though history is pretty clear.

To answer your questions, I found out because her two best friends were also the two girls she had relationships with. They had a big falling out and my wife was devastated. Too devastated. It was obvious the whole story wasn't out. She was telling me about her meeting with a counselor and she let slip that one of these girls had kissed her many years ago. She had lied to me about that and I confronted her. She admitted to that kiss and that she lied. So technically that was DD#1 although pretty minor. With that coming out, my sister confronted the two girls and they both admitted to having previous relationships with my wife. That brings us to DD#2. My wife admits only that and we deal with that crap for about a week. I don't believe my wife so I confront her AP. AP admits to year long EA and occasionally PA. Boom DD#3. The worst day of my life. TT is brutal. I tried to explain after DD#1 that lying hurts as much as knowing she cheated. She still has not told me anything I didn't already know. The most screwed up part is that I still love her. I wish I could turn that part off. The affair is over because the AP pulled away. I think my wife would still be living the double life if she had her way.

confused615 posted 6/14/2016 18:03 PM


I'm getting so fucking tired of every time a new member,in our situation,shows up, and they are told their husband HAS TO BE gay....or..."don't be his beard!"!!!!!!

First...it's SO not true.

Second...how does that help anyone? Telling a brand new,traumatised bs, that there is zero hope for her family isn't helpful,supportive,or accurate.


BallofPain posted 6/14/2016 23:50 PM

Hoping you're OK GloomyFish! It really saddens me that you're so hurt and that I'm of little help. Please feel better.

Sorry guys, I need to vent.

"I hate the word Homophobia. It is not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole"

I saw that on my Facebook today. I was homophobic for about 6 months. After experiencing one of the worst pain imaginable because your partner had gay affairs, I feared gay/bisexual people. I've been hurt by one...many. Does it make sense to be scared of homosexuals? To most, no. I'm just another asshole.

These people, they don't know the mind movies, the confusion. I bloody envy them.

Does that mean I think those people deserve to die? No, I absolutely do not. My thoughts still go out to the victims, their families, the survivors.

But hey, I'm just another asshole. An asshole because I've been hurt.

Shock1 posted 6/15/2016 01:40 AM

Get well G-fish. I like reading your post here.

I'm 12 months out and finally getting the divorce rolling. Wife has gone full tilt lesbian and everyone is still dismayed.

It's hard to live with, I get it.
But hang tight G-fish. You know we love you and want you to get better soon.

Thanks for you kind words in the past.

BallofPain posted 6/15/2016 07:57 AM

Welcome to our neck of the woods, elcapeetan. Even though, I like to call it a cozy cave.

You got a really bad dose of the TT. I'm sorry to hear. It is possible to be monogamous and bisexual. It is a choice that is made.

How are you holding up so far?

How are you holding up Shock1?

sisoon posted 6/15/2016 09:24 AM


I'm sorry you had to find us. I know how awful it is to find out one has been betrayed.

If you think D is right for you, that is definitely the way to go. Period. End of story. Check out the D/S forum - lots of great people there.

But it sounds like you have in interest in R. Frankly, it sounds like your fear that your W can't commit to monogamy may be driving your decision to D.

If that's the case, you should be aware that bi (and gay, for that matter) folks can commit to monogamy and meet their commitment. Your question is whether your W can make and meet a commitment to monogamy.

IMO, the signals are mixed. Boundaries may very well be the problem - As occur in good Ms if the WS has bad boundaries. Your W can build good boundaries if she wants to.

But the TT is a problem.

I'm somewhat confused, though. Did your W have sex with these women before or after you and she committed to exclusivity? Is she currently in an A?

If the As occurred before you and she committed to mutual exclusivity, then I don't see infidelity. IMO, without a commitment, there's nothing to be unfaithful to. That leaves you with important questions about her sexuality.

If one or more A-related activities happened after you committed to each other, that's a different matter.

If R is something you want to look into, I suggest starting by reading the content in the JFO threads about boundaries, 'before you say recover', etc. Those will give you a lot of insight into the tasks and the process of R.

If R looks attractive after reading the JFO info, come back with your questions and concerns.

But remember that you don't have to offer R; you don't owe it to your W. If D is your choice, go for it.

cmego posted 6/15/2016 10:07 AM

((((((confused))))))...hugs. Breathe. You are triggering. Hang in there. You are the exception in these cases... you can offer support from "the other side" without defense or anger. Be gentle, with yourself and the newbies.

I'm an "oldie". I don't post much any longer, but the "shooting" has brought up some pain for my kids and it makes me hurt. When I hurt, I turn to SI. My kids are asking questions about "gay bars" and "why would people do that to people like Dad?".

Quick backstory for newbies: H of 15 years was cheating on me with multiple men. One outed him for me. Tried to R for a few months, he cheated again. I left and started over. That was 5.5 years ago. I have primary custody, went to grad school, and remarried a few months ago.

I struggled hard in the beginning. When the "triple" life (me, plus he had a long-term boyfriend, then had started a third relationship when outed) unfolded in front of my eyes, it was just so hard to accept. I had moments of "black out" when my brain just stopped functioning because it was too much to take in. The financial infidelity (hiding money, controlling money), the emotional abuse to keep his life hidden, my psychological trauma. So much to deal with.

I found a great IC, and worked slowly through the pain. I'd say it was a good 3 years before I was in a really good place. EX continues to be NPD and hasn't changed, and learning to manage him, within my own boundaries, was probably the biggest challenge. He just wanted us to be "besties" and hasn't received the clue that I'm not interested. I'm co-parenting because the law requires me, but beyond that...I'm in love with a new man.

You WILL survive. It IS a mind-fuck of epic proportions. Be gentle with yourself. Do not expect to heal quickly from this. The best advice I received was to "cocoon". Take care of yourself and just do whatever your soul wants. I did a lot of reading in the early stage to just distract my brain. I did a lot of walking and would cry while walking. Just anything to put one foot in front of the other. And, slowly, my spirit healed.

I was angry (grieving) for some time, and bounced around in the different stages of grief for at least a year or two. Now, he can still trigger me, but I'm through it very quickly. I don't try to "figure it out", I try not to "punish" myself for ignoring the clues. It just is. He made those choices and used me. I can't change it. I can just move forward.

Now, when I'm having a bad day, I can talk myself through it, and I try to brighten someone else's day. Like, I took flowers to work for no reason...just to brighten the day a little for someone else. I wore a clown nose for my kids. Just...silly. But, it lightens my mood when he is on the attack. I know it was a full year before I spontaneously laughed again and FELT the joy. It just takes time.

Hang in there. Life will change, and you will be the better for it. It just takes patience.

elcapeeetan posted 6/15/2016 14:29 PM

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and share your stories. This place has been an invaluable resource. My IC says reading as much as I can is a coping mechanism for me. Healthy or not, I'm grateful.

Holding up pretty well at the moment. We are in a weird roommate limbo with divorce terms nearing completion. With the pressure of her happiness off my shoulders and her being overly nice (wanting to R), things have been peaceful/pleasant. She is on eggshells so it wouldn't last, but I'm enjoying the calm between storms.

You are accurate to say I worry about my W committing to monogomy. To answer a couple of your questions, she cheated on me a few times (still not sure how many. she won't specify) while we were exclusively dating. Not sure about when we were engaged. Then, about a year after we married, she moved a different female "friend" into our house under the guise of helping this person out. I knew the friend was a lesbian and asked my wife specifically if there was any history between them or if this girl had ever pursued my wife in any way. My W emphatically said no. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, trusted her word, and let this person move in. They proceeded to have a year long EA, occasionally PA. Evidently, my wife did most of the initiating for physical crap. The AP told me once confronted. My W didn't deny it on the last DD. I am never 100% at peace with D or R. Leaning 90% towards D about 90% of the time. My W blameshifts regularly making it easier to lean towards D.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/15/2016 17:57 PM

Hi elcapeeetan

I am sorry that you had more than 1 dday, one dday feels like you are dying. I can't imagine having more than one !

And the TT is one of the most hurtful things

I think my wife would still be living the double life if she had her way.

If you think this, then is a huge red flag for you about the real her... and I think that your gut tells you she will not change.

It hurts because you believe you are in love with her but you are in love with the person you BELIEVED she was, not the real her.

And many people told me this when I first came to SI "you are in love with whom you believe he is, not with HIM" now... almost 2 years later I can tell you that is TRUE.

I was not in love with him. I would never have loved a NPD psychopath and homosexual. I just was in love with an illusion.

It will take time for you to grieve that ilusory relationship and get to know the real her.

I am so sorry, you don't deserve this.

Please take care of your self and keep reading and posting here, it helps a lot.


Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/15/2016 18:04 PM

Please keep praying for Gloomy Fish.

It's so sad that someone of our forum tried to killed herself and is very ill and fighting for her life

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/15/2016 18:05 PM


I am so sorry, you must be feeling terrible.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting. We are here for you.


I am sorry that you are hurting. And I am happy that you remarried.

thank you for sharing your story!


Dear BOP you are doing your best and none of us asked for this to happen to us. We are all truly doing the best we can, be easy on yourself and don't forget to love yourself so much.

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 8:30 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 6/15/2016 20:29 PM

Cmego...I'm going to respond to your post when the kids aren't in and out of the room..

So..it was a suicide attempt?

BallofPain posted 6/16/2016 00:47 AM

The triggers have started again ever since that shooting. They keep getting worse. I'm exhausted from trying to keep myself in control. I want to write something to the person who posted that. It's probably not a good idea, so I'll do it here. Please excuse me.

How about knowing and thinking about someone's history or reasoning for not liking gays/bisexuals before painting every one of us with the same asshole brush? I was one of these "assholes" you speak of for 6 months. And yes, I was scared. I was scared of the pain I felt when I found out my partner of 4 years decided to pick up a new hobby of banging other men. I was scared of losing myself, of finding out that I was living a lie. I was scared of sleeping for if I did, images of someone I used to love enjoying his new hobby would haunt my sleeping hours.
Imagine looking at your fiancé's phone and finding what I found on my ex. Would it scare you? Devastate you? Oh, well, you're just being an asshole. He deserves to love whoever he wants, right? Him banging other dudes behind your back, he's finally loving who he wants. You can't be mad at him for that, you're just a terrorist if you are.

PS. Nice post Ms. I am so non judgemental becaise I posted this.

I had two gay friends who helped me through this mess. When I told them I was homophobic, they simply acknowledged it and helped me work through it patiently. Never once, did they get mad or call me an ass.

Sorry guys for that post. But thank you, I needed to get it out.

Oh GloomyFish, please please come back to us. I know the pain is unbearable. You are not alone.

cmego posted 6/16/2016 07:21 AM

BallofPain~ I know what you mean when you "vented". I couldn't have any interaction with an obvious gay man for awhile. I couldn't explain the trigger, I just associated "all gay men as bad". I know I was just placing my fear/hurt/pain onto a complete stranger, and I worked through it.

But, I think when people say things like: "why are you upset? He was 'just finding himself'. What's the big deal that he used you? He should love who he/she wants!"

^^^^^^those statements are upsetting because, in my opinion, they show no compassion for what WE went through. And, I agree, there is little compassion shown for the "bearded" spouses. What right does a gay or bi person have to cheat and lie in the name of "finding themselves"? None. None. None. They aren't 'special' because they are confused about their sexuality...they are cheaters.

The way I tried to explain to my ex is that he had all the pieces of the puzzle, and I was working the puzzle with only 1/3 of the pieces and wondering why I couldn't figure out the puzzle.

For those that stay in marriages after infidelity have a long, bumpy road. For those that stay with a partner that not only cheated, but cheated with same-sex have a double whammy to deal with. It is so confusing, and that is so very hard to explain to other people. When I tell people I stayed in my marriage for about 6 months after finding about the multiple affairs, they look at me like this:

Any road we take is difficult. Staying in the relationship is difficult, leaving the relationship is difficult. Each have unique challenges and all suck.

Gloomygirl. Thinking about you.

Hugs to all that are going through this special kind of mind twisting crap.

Cloudyrain posted 6/16/2016 08:42 AM

Hi Elcapateen

Sorry you find yourself here. I can identify with you still loving your Partner. I still love my partner and it would be so much easier if I could switch of the feelings. It's how we keep getting hurt.

Also you say she would have carried on cheating. Well my WH told me if I hadn't discovered his Cheating he would have carried it on. That's nasty and painful to hear, while he was getting away with it and lieing to my face he was happy to cheat. It's like the person you thought you knew has gone!

Keep posting here it really does help.

Does anyone have any news about Gloomy Fish, im worried about her? X

Cloudyrain posted 6/16/2016 08:57 AM

I also meant to just chat about what's been going on with me.
I've been really struggling with depression that was getting worse, I was crying multiple times a day and was so down. I made the decision to get antidepressants from the doctor last week. I don't really know if they are working yet, but the tablets make me feel very sleepy, sick, headaches and hot flushes. But I need to take them to try and feel better and look after the kids. I was getting very paranoid that my husband wanted to take them away but I don't think that's the case.

I also told WH in MC last week that I was considering divorce and had looked into it and have been trying to find a job. He countered this with saying he doesn't want a divorce, but also said during MC that he doesn't love me as much, doesn't miss me. But can't make up his mind whether to R or D. He has been in limbo since Dady nearly 4 months ago.

I asked him the other day what's keeping him from saying lets split up and he said he honestly doesn't know!! That was hard to hear. Now I know I should just say lets D. But I'm still holding onto hope. I feel like a fool still continuing hoping he wants me. We have MC tomorrow and im unsure what will happen. He did contact me during the week saying he doesn't want to go to MC cos he feels like he's on trial. I said fine lets not go then. But then he says lets go!! I don't know if he knows what he wants. Sorry. I'm writing quickly before school run.

Cloudyrain x

sisoon posted 6/16/2016 14:23 PM

My W decided to end her A because she was exhausted and couldn't eat or sleep. IOW, if ow hadn't run my W into the ground, she would have continued the A.

Of course, I was fed up and in the process of deciding what to do about it, but I'm not at all sure I would have handled it well. (I was spectacular on d-day, because I knew what I was dealing with. I don't handle uncertainty all the well, though....)


You write that your W has cheated on you basically all during your relationship, and she's not being honest about it. That's pretty negative for R. I recommend - and I won't be alone - that you not commit to R until your W becomes honest and monogamous and stays that way for several months, but that doesn't mean D is the right choice.

You've got a lot of options. Don't push yourself to make a choice until you're ready. (Actually, letting yourself take a lot of time may speed up the decision....)

Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/16/2016 18:45 PM

I was never homophobic but the shooting is also triggering me, I cannot stand watching 2 men hughing (and more if they are in their forties )!


I have news from Gloomy, Prudence says she has been unconscious since the suicide attempt but yesterday she regained conciousness.

I hope she keeps responding.

Thank you for being here.

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