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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Maryjen posted 7/18/2016 14:33 PM

Friends want to go to the Pride Parade in a few weeks ( we have gone before). Not sure I want to do that this year, although this is 100% his fault, not the people he was seeing or talking to

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/18/2016 17:35 PM

HI Maryjean,

How do you feel about going?

Imagine yourself doing it and sense your feelings in advance. That will help you notice how you really feel.

HowIsThisReal posted 7/18/2016 20:25 PM

Why is gay/lesbian sex EVERYWHERE on tv ????????

I've noticed that too. Empire, though, I still try to watch, but there were a few scenes where I had an anxiety attack. I watch OITNB and while it's all lesbian stuff due to the plot setting, it still triggers me because it's the whole gay thing.

Any jokes about men and balls or anything trigger me. Like a friend posted a facebook status about her husband having meatballs and then made a 'my husband loves balls' joke about it! Trigger.

Another friend posted a picture from a "toy party" she had. Well they stuck a realistic looking dildo on the fridge to open it, and she commented on how it was so funny seeing her husband have to grab the dildo to open the fridge. Trigger.

I can't joke about those things because it's implying that their husbands would be grossed out by such things and mine did them. It's no longer a joke, it happened.

My own H made a off hand joke about a cooler we bought at Goodwill that was called a sunpacker, he giggled a bit implying that it sounded like "fudgepacker". I did not find it amusing and I basically called him one (not outright, but I said something along the lines of "it's not funny when it applies to my husband") he got sad and withdrawn. Said he knows he fucked up bad, he's trying to make up for what he's done to me, said he deserves anything I throw at him but it still stings when I say things like that.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:47 PM, July 18th (Monday)]

Maryjen posted 7/18/2016 23:25 PM

You know, I am only a few weeks in. Reading through all the forums, full of such good advice, but also full of so much pain. I feel overwhelmed that I am at the beginning of this journey that is likely a couple of years of recovery, it just seems so long to feel bad

HowIsThisReal posted 7/19/2016 08:48 AM

Has anyone thought of doing a poly and asking questions about WS's sexuality?

I eventually want a poly when we can afford it, and have thought about asking things like "do you think you're anything other than straight?" Or "are you romantically attracted to men?", "Are you physically attracted to men?", As well as asking "do you still have thoughts of having sex with anyone but your wife?", Etc.

He's basically a model wayward, remorseful, says he'll do anything to prove to me that he only wants me, Nd that he will do whatever it takes to fix things, etc. I still wonder about the whole same gender thing though.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 2:02 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

Cloudyrain posted 7/19/2016 08:55 AM

The triggers are horrible. I've recently been triggered by strawberry plants in my garden. My XWH loved growing them and getting the fruit. This year I can't bring myself to care for the plants or eat the strawberrys, im going to give them away to a friend.

I'm having a rubbish needy day. I was so strong all weekend. Went away with friends. Visited family and had fun with the kids. I felt so strong and like I was getting over XWH. Yesterday I felt strong enough to bag up his clothes and shoes. But over night I felt panicked and sad. I was on the verge of contacting him all night.

This morning I did contact him asking to meet and talk. He won't meet me until I let him know what I want to discuss.
I'm not really sure. I want him to want me. I want to try again. I wonder if I didn't give enough when we were in MC. He asked me to say we would sleep together again, that I would trust him and wouldn't check on him. That he could be free to go out with friends etc. I was very unsure at the time and wanted hin to reassure me, which he didn't do. But maybe if I had agreed to these things he might have changed as well.

I have put on a lot of weight over the last few years and even though he said it didn't bother him it must have done. I don't think he was attracted to me. I was very busy with the kids and the house and I can see how tired and boring I was. I never wanted to go out. He did. And I always made excuses. I'm just thinking that I made lots of mistakes and maybe me acting like this pushed him away.

I don't know. I'm so confused. I haven't told him what I want to talk about yet. I Suppose all of the above. How can he walk away from our marriage and kids so easily.

He's been difficult with regards to child contact arrangements. And not doing what he said he will do like feeding the kids dinner, when he will have text to tell me he would a few hours before. He stopped my youngest staying overnight at the weekend and he was so upset he cried for hours. We tried to phone XWH for him to talk and couldn't get in contact with him until the next morning. When he said his phones not working properly. I think he went out and turned his phone off.
If he has the kids im always contactable and lots of times one or two of them will want to come home early and I will have to chanhe my plans. I still feel like I'm treated as the wife in this respect.

I've tried 180. But I'm not convinced I've tried enough with him. Although he's the one that wants a D. I'm worried im looking like a crazy ex wife who can't let go. I am trying so hard.
The school holidays are starting soon. I hate being a single parent. ITs so hard. I want the married life I had. I'm exhausted. I could sleep for a week.

SurvivedJuly posted 7/19/2016 10:56 AM

CloudyRain, I'm so sorry. I remember wanting to talk with my ex while we were disassembling the house to sell. I tried three times, very calmly asking him to help me understand what was going on and what had happened. He continued to lie, minimize, and blame me. (He said he went for men because our marriage was "stale." I call BS, our marriage was stale because he wanted men.) what I really wanted was for him to tell me it was all a mistake, and make things better. But guess what? He didn't, and our sham of a marriage couldn't be fixed. I figured mine couldn't deny his urges and the lies would only continue. I also decided I wouldn't stay with someone who showed me such disrespect.

I'd say start working on YOUR life. What makes you happy, even for a few minutes? Look for bright spots in the day, no matter how tiny. Music, reading, exercise, hugs from children...shopping. Massages. Cried through many of them, but I tried to treat myself well.

It took a long time, but gradually the pain became less and the joy became more. You probably need to release him and focus on rebuilding, it is hard but doable. Wishing you strength!

Cloudyrain posted 7/20/2016 05:58 AM

Thanks SurvivedJuly. It's been a really tough few days. Sorry you've gone through this horrible situation. My husband said he had been unhappy for the last 5 years and that I didn't care. He never told me anything was wrong. The blame shifting is wrong. I'm questioning everything I've ever done. How is your life now? Do you have any contact anymore with your Ex? I just wonder how that changes over time?

I tried messaging him last night. He never wants to talk when the kids are up and I have to be careful not to irritate him. So I waiting until late at night. And started by saying I had so much to say I couldn't even think I how to put it. No reply from him. This morning he replies that he doesn't know what I want but he can't keep doing this, so I'm in tears before im out of bed. He can upset me when I have kids to get ready for school but I have to tip toe around him. It still feels like I'm the one who cheated!! I haven't replied. He doesn't want to know.

When he picked up a few of the kids to take to school. I was just asking my youngest if he had his water and snack etc and hope he had a good day. XWH is constantly berating is saying hurry up hurry up we are going to be late. I ignored him but it makes me feel like a child and upsets me. Maybe I should have said something but I don't feel I can.

I am struggling to let him go. Why????
I just want to beg him to come home. To try again.
It's not helped that I looked at his email account yesertday and saw he has an order from a local chemist, but I can't see what it's for. But it's the chemist he used a few times to buy Viagra last year! So that freaked me out. Is he planning on sleeping with someone already!! He also bought a back shaver (who knew there was such a thing) a few weeks back and had it delivered to my house. It nothing he's ever used when he was with me. So it seems like he's moving on.

How can he care so little for me. For our family. We were together years. Last night it was bothering me that he was my best friend and I miss that so much. We used to chat s out everything. It doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He had the youngest to stay last night. The first time ever on a school night. So I really missed him. XWH messaged me
early this morning saying how easy it was to get youngest dressed and he was having breakfast. I packed all of his clothes which I had washed and ironed!! It upset me. Like why am I struggling while he finds it so easy.

My future is going to get worse. I am still using XWH. Money. I need to sort out benefits when he gives me all the figures. I dpnt think I will be able to pay all the bills on my own. There will be nothing spare for anything extra. Trips, holidays. Nothing. I feel so desperate now. The future looks so bleak.

SurvivedJuly posted 7/20/2016 09:51 AM

Dear Cloudy, I understand all too well the feelings of disbelief and abandonment. So many things my ex was doing and I looked the other way. Tanning, shaving, grooming, lots of viagra and cialis when we were barely active. He never discussed being unhappy and denied anything was "off." Until I found out everything...and still I wanted it to be a big mistake and we would go back as before. Nope. I said no way and he said bye-bye. Like yours, I imagine him skating away to his new life in total bliss while I cried and screamed for months.

How recent is all this for you? Because it did take me over six months to get through the rage and terror and grief. And it wasn't done after six months, it was just beginning to be bearable. Here is the good thing for me--I never see him or talk with him. Haven't for seven months now. So I can heal in peace.

I'm in a different stage than you, grown kids and still working so while I'd like to retire, I won't be doing that for a while. But I like what I do and I don't mind working longer. It has to be messed up to see him and need to do coparenting with him. Can you limit your contact to just kids and money? (That helped a lot after my first divorce, when my boys were little and their dad was being a jerk.)

I guess the best advice I still have is to do all you can for YOU right now. Find any little bit of peace and happiness, even for one minute. Do you have IRL support? Therapy? Antidepressants? Prayer or meditation? All these helped me a lot.

Finally, my biggest breakthrough came when I stopped resisting everything and accepted what I thought I could not. Yes, it sucked, it was unfair, I didn't deserve this, and it hurt like hell. But he did what he did and I had to let him go and work on my life. After one year I can honestly say my life is good and I am happy. I did not think that would be possible.

Sending you peace, and hope, and strength. .

sisoon posted 7/20/2016 13:13 PM


He's leaving you, but he's also freeing you for what can possibly be great joy and satisfaction and peace. You may end up being grateful to him in the not too distant future.

Remember, you didn't fail - he did.

Maryjen posted 7/20/2016 20:21 PM

((Cloudy rain))

So sorry you are in so much pain right now. Going through all of this with children at home needing you can make very difficult. Try to use their unconditional love to fill you up right now.

You will get through this, even though it may seem impossible now.

TroubledinTx posted 7/21/2016 14:28 PM

New here-married to my WH for 12 years and have 4 young kids together, one stepD from his previous marriage. Have been checking on his phone lately b/c he hadn't been honest/forthcoming about dealings w/stepD's mom in regards to plans or money matters. By accident, I caught a glimpse of a text b/t my WH & a male co-worker...it started off w/my WH asking "u awake baby? The other man (his co-worker) said that he wasn't at work that day & my WH could call him. Now my head is spinning....I found this about a month ago but have not mentioned it to WH b/c I feel I need more proof of an relationship/A. I feel if I mention the text, he'll deny it or just brush it off & then cover up better, change his phone code etc. problem is, he only sees this person at work & work is a huge place w/many different building/offices, etc. no other signs of A, we still have sex, go on vacations together as family, etc. this is a total shock-the fact my WH could be bi-sexual! I need to know how I can gather more evidence b4 I confront him? How did you guys find the info u needed to confront your spouse....I couldn't find anything else on his phone, no pictures, emails, etc.

confused615 posted 7/21/2016 15:15 PM


Put a voice activated recorder in his car. You will get proof within days.

But....it's highly possible he is hiding her name by using a male co-workers name instead. He figures you won't read his texts with someone you think is a man... and if he put a woman's name as the contact, you would.

The VAR will help you figure that out.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:15 PM, July 21st (Thursday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/21/2016 19:45 PM

Dear TroubledinTX,

.it's highly possible he is hiding her name by using a male co-workers name instead.

This is a huge possibility, so consider it if you don't personally know who HE is.

I wish that was my case! I thought about that possibility at first but not he WAS a man.

The best way to find more information is placing a VAR under his seat or in another place of his car because that's the place where the feel free to talk with the AP.

You did the right thing by not telling him about the text. It hurts but it's the best thing for you now until you find more.

I also found out about the affair by reading many texts messages between him and the other man and circumstancial evidence only. They are good hiding the affair.

BallofPain posted 7/21/2016 22:36 PM

Oh CloudyRain, you remind me so much of myself when I first came here. I know you don't want to hear this but it takes time. It takes time to pick up all the pieces of yourself that's shattered and scattered. It takes time to pick yourself up and keep walking.

I remember hearing from my roommate of how my ex seemed to be unaffected by what happened. Of how he was costuming in another province and having fun. Here's me curled up in bed wishing the world would just end and he's out having the time of his life seemlingly celebrating that he's free from me. Curse the both of them.

Let me tell you, this whole affairs thing, it's an addiction. Not a good addiction, either. As with any addiction, they have their ill effects and for most people, they're hard to break. The people who engage in affairs, they're broken in some way. It's a long process to fix it and they must have the will to fix it. The majority of cheaters are likely to be repeat offenders.

You're not the crazy ex wife that can't let go. You're the ex wife that is losing everything she has known. You're the ex wife who is facing this unknown that is very scary. I know it, I was terrified too. I still am.

Sisoon said that he is giving you a gift. Many here said the same thing to me. There are times that I do see the gift, nearly a year later. Other times, it's just...there. I'm not much happier, it feels like. But, I am freer.

TroubledinTX, I'm very sorry that you are here. I hope that your search ends well. Look out for any burner phones as well.

Empowered posted 7/22/2016 04:27 AM


Just wanted to send all my friends here a massive hug as we enter the weekend.


I am dreading tomorrow's wedding but will be brave.

Love and strength to you all


confused615 posted 7/22/2016 12:02 PM

Love the name change, Empowered!

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/22/2016 12:46 PM

I love that you are so empowered❤️

Good luck my friend!

TroubledinTx posted 7/22/2016 14:37 PM

Thanks Confused615 & Lovingmyselfmore...
I know the co-worker is male, I know the name. I haven't met him but he is married & has known my WH for at least 6 yrs. if not more. Also, now I have this idea in my head he's bi-sexual...I catch things he says & even if he says he's kidding, now I don't think he is. I will look into VAR-it might get something but he is not much of a talker/conversationalist. He works in IT, I am thinking there is more to find on his phone. Has anyone used
web-tracker? Thoughts on how it works? Just want the research to be discreet... Thanks everyone, glad I have found this site. This is so hard & feel very alone right now.

confused615 posted 7/22/2016 15:15 PM

Ah....but....when they cheat they behave differently than the person we think we know. My wh didn't know how to set up an e-mail account, and hardly texted at all.

On dday I found that he texted all the time..and he had a secret e-mail account.

I'm not saying there isn't a co-worker by that name...I'm suggesting he's using that co-workers name to hide it being another woman.

Of course...all of us on this thread know it's highly possible its a man...I'm just saying its possible its not.

Do you know his password? If so, take the phone when he's asleep, and run Dr Fone on it. It will retrieve deleted texts and pics.

You're not alone. It does feel very isolating to find out your husband has been with a man. The sad truth is, it's very,very common. Our local craigslist has hundreds of new posts every day of men looking for nsa sex with other men....men who are married...and their wives have no idea.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:16 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]

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