you know how a BS can't reconcile / forgive what is not admitted
Sorry, I wasn't speaking of the abusers themselves. Though we have had members who confronted and found it hugely relieving.
And we've had members who confronted family members who were the abusers, the family members denied, and all contact was cut with toxic family. That's probably both the healthiest and saddest thing that could happen in that scenario at the same time.
From my experience the belief back then was that you needed to work through the experience in a safe environment to rob the experience of its power. From hopelesskate's husbands more recent therapy that appears not to be the case anymore.
I haven't re-researched it.
Different bit coming up, nekorb, imagine a safe fist-bump with fists remaining touching, or index fingers alone touching in a friendly, supportive, E.T. kind of way.
I'm honestly thankful that I don't have any "real" memories of the actual abuse, or perhaps my brain has buried them deep. That's OK.
nekorb, repressed memories often just pop! into the brain. A woman who used to post here, Edith (Hello, Edith, wishing you well wherever you are!), who had grace, dignity, and a gentle, almost beneficient writing style had repressed memories. She described their resurgence as being sudden while driving and she had to pull over to freak out a bit.
Some abused also dissociate. hopefulkate's (not a different member, but my encouraging name for her) husband created multiple 'handlers' of hard situations. This can go as far as full split-personality type stuff, but doesn't necessarily (I believe).
Acknowledge that these fears are not founded in experiences with people in my life now, and that I'm grown now and can learn to defend myself (and I'm going to!).
Grant that I learned about CSA therapy 30 years ago and a bit more. Ok? That said - CSA therapy then and now is not really anything like regular therapy. It just isn't, different beast.
One of hopefulkate's biggest things so far with her H is that she is having trouble holding him responsible while at the same time realizing that he is responsible. If I may paraphrase for her, and hopefulkate, please do correct me.
In her eyes she sees that young kid with no other coping mechanisms in control of her H's adult, male body and driving around in it. It is, from experience, a lot like a discussion I had in another thread about poor impulse control. It isn't imagine-consider-act to perform actions, it is instead impulse-act-rationalize-behavior to perform actions.
That's why we really need to talk to CSA and trauma-specializing therapists.
Some days it feels monumental to share...
Regarding disclosing, too much to quote there, so here's my take.
Most abusers were abused. The converse is not true. That is, most abused are _not_ abusers.
That said, I feel it incumbent upon me to explain to a woman (generally smaller than me, I'm average in every single measure of average for a US caucasian male) that I was abused. She might have small kids and fear that I'm a nut. She might be afraid for her safety. _If_ these things are true then she has a right to decide who she gets involved with.
It has never gone badly for me.
Now, after The xWGF Affair, I also have to disclose HSV-2. Great. Go, me. Rah rah fuck it.
I've done that twice so far. The CSA disclosure went well both times. The HSV-2, not so much. One threw me out of her house and slammed the door followed by texts. Lots of texts. Followed by being real friendly weeks later with "I miss you"s. Yeah. The other wanted to commit real quick (like marriage commit), citing that _if_ she was going to be exposed she wanted some sort of guarantee.
Now, back then I was even more broken than I am now from The xWGF Affair. Remember "hurt attracts hurt, broken attracts broken, and both attract predators?" It is true.
Read your last paragraph again. You suspect/pretty sure CSA in your background. He had CSA in his.
That reads like my xWW and I. That was definitly a case of "hurt attracts hurt, broken attracts broken, and both attract predators." She had some real odd sexual fantasies. I kept on trying to get better. She didn't, kind of rugswept the CSA, and spiralled down into basically what is best described as "living in her own personal reality."
She's, oh, 57? now. Yeah, about. And she can never live alone again. As in she must be cared for physically.
Remember, nekorb, a lot of us CSA folks go the suicide route. I came that close >< one time at 15 or so.
I know that I was pretty open on your other thread. One thing I'll say here is that the CSA has definitely affected my style. I do not like anything aggressive, for instance.
Of course, I can't really say definitely, can I? After all, how do I know what I'd be like if it weren't for that?
Ok, I wandered a bit.
When to disclose: Start dropping hints of abuse about oh, date 4 or 5. Be factual, not dramatic. You don't need to disclose until you're pretty sure that you want to have sex with him, for instance. Protect yourself and your privacy. You don't want to disclose if you don't think that you can trust him. So, if you go all ONS and stuff then don't say a thing beyond, "Don't do that."
How to disclose: Look him in the eye. I have a pretty detailed account in new beginnings about 8 months ago about how I went about it with a woman that I had just started dating. Your experiences are different, but the factual, no wailing with sackcloth and ashes approach works well. Watch his response. And, if you start to have sex and he just doesn't stop or bothers you then just stop.
I know, easier said than done.
One more thing: Fantasies about being abused and even acting on those can be a thing called "Recreating the abuse." We do it for several reasons. We want to control the outcome, to take control instead of being forced, and thus get a different result. This doesn't really work because it doesn't erase the original experiences.
Or/and, we have low self-esteem and recreating the abuse validates, for us, our idea of not being worth anything.
Or, we have low self-esteem and we've associated positive feelings about self with sex. That can happen if an abuser is only nice to us when they want sex with us. The young person then associates sex with being treated better. That validates us, too.
But another reason that can be a bit harder to overcome - sexual stimulation, if done carefully, is pleasurable. Not every person enjoys the physical part of sexual abuse but some do have positive physical responses, even if the mind is terrorized. That 'good' feeling can lead us to associate pleasurable sexual sensation with being abused.
This is all horribly complicated and I'm cutting great swaths _out_ just to get this post shorter. But read up on that, and also on the fact that some people _do_ orgasm without wanting to while being assaulted. Men, for instance, can gain erections while being in fear that a female attacker will actually sever his penis if he doesn't become erect. It has been reported. Personally, nothing sounds more erection-killing than that. But what do I know? Hasn't happened to me.
nekorb, please do a little reading about CSA therapy. It _is_ different. And I do hope some others that have more recent experiences than I jump in here. I'm just not getting the idea from your description that your therapist would take the correct approach...
Anyone else? Please?