This is me hoping that I'm not talking out of my ass. Well, that and also hoping that I'm not belaboring the blindingly obvious. I have been in the spot that he was, very roughly, back just before and during his A.
The warring factions between self destruction and instinct-to-live take a _huge_ amount of mental resources, at least they did for me. There was little left over for other mental activity like, oh, I dunno, what my actions might do to other people. My personal idea is that the mind's fight for basic survival simply overpowers other social niceties like considering consequences for others. I had a few friends in need at the time (what teen doesn't?), and I responded normally to that, -but- where things involved _me_ I was completely selfish.
You know how stressed folks often seem to try to simplify their immediate lives mentally? Surround themselves with the familiar? Older folks will collect the remembrances of youth in the form of toys or stuffed animals. Sometimes they hoard, often to make up for not having things in childhood. They transfer their emotions to The Hoard and The Hoard is "safe". Not healthy, but safe. Not scary.
For those of us who had an unsafe upbringing that retreat from current pressures back into the realm of the unsafe seems particularly odd to "normals." I don't think that it is so very odd, myself. I've done it, though. Recreating the abuse is a named thing for a reason. And it isn't something that is oh so very rare, either. Recreating the abuse is returning to a time that we knew how to navigate. We survived it. Well, if we're returning to it then we must have survived it, eh? Because there are those who don't.
So recreating the abuse is returning to a time with which we are _familiar_. We know how to navigate it, we understand (sort of) the parameters. The extremity of the day-to-day can be somewhat forgotten about as we move into something more comfortable.
Why not pick a hobby? Why not read a book? Why not seek counseling? Because we, at least in this culture, aren't taught those things as normal responses when we're young. Those aren't the things that were in place when our lives were simpler, when we were just starting out and when those folks that we automatically trust, our parents and close family, were teaching us how to live.
There's more to it than that, too. The abusers (family or not) instilled in us, either over time or all in a bunch, taught us exactly what we were worth. Nothing. Sexual plaything. Less than nothing. Those thoughts hide in the darkness and grow. We don't talk of them because they are uncomfortable. They are scary, they hurt, and they wield the Vorpal blade of snickersnee.
I believe that recreating the abuse is an attempt to simplify things into an environment with which we are familiar. The problem with that is that those abusive conditions, while familiar, while navigable, are not healthy and not always survivable.
I also believe that another facet of recreating the abuse is that people seek out other people and situations, or evidence, that our conclusions are valid. People do that. They surround themselves with like-minded folk, or yes-men, to validate themselves. The abused surround themselves with abusers.
In your case specifically, hopefulkate, Mr. kate tried to turn _you_ into at least the physical image of an abuser. Even if you weren't abusing him you could, to him, at least _look_ like someone who did.
Please don't take offense at this next - it wasn't about you, not at all. It was about _him_. Likely, at least to my mind, it was even lower-down that _that_. It wasn't about _him_ in a normally selfish way (picture a foot-stamping Veruca Salt as normal), but it was about his mind trying to surround him with things that reinforced his beliefs, good or bad.
He couldn't get some of the abusive elements of his childhood from home, so he sought them out elsewhere. It wasn't about "wanting" the abuse like we want a shiny bauble, or a treasured heirloom, or a nifty gadget, it was about "wanting" in an unhealthy, self-destructive way. More a "need" than a "want." A validation that he wasn't crazy.
And since he was, crazy right then, since he was - what form could satisfying that crazy need take but a crazy want?
Hope this helped. It was heck to write.
Now, hopefulkate, a question for you - you talked about being hypersexualized, the both of you.
When does hopefulkate start her journey of figuring out the source of the hypersexual part? Could be a lot of things, head injury, hormone imbalance, abuse.
Don't get so wrapped up in healing him that you leave behind/ignore a hurt you, you know?