Okay....I had no answers to offer, but have felt moved to ask questions. Odd...but here it goes.
My main fear is that she will confront my H at the funeral, with the OC there, with MY kids there... and I will be completely emotionally un-equipped to deal with it, considering the nature of the event.
What is the exact fear?
--That he and her will see each other and fall in lust again?
--That she will express anger and rage and make a huge scene?
--That she will smirk in that "Yeah, I slept with your spouse...I win!" sort of way? (I've seen this from my wifes fOM, by the way....and it was quite okay. Surprise to me as I thought it would be "go time" for me and him if this happened....it was not. BUT, I did visualize this very fear, faced it, and was actually not surprised when it actually happened....but was surprised on how much of a non-issue it actually was. Yes, it still hurt, but in a very different way)
Say this exact fear happens....what is the fruit of that experience? What will come of it? What will come of it that has not already been picked?
Do you have to deal with it on your own?
What role does you play in this?
What role does your husband have in this?
Also, I am fearful that my H will pick a fight with me - because that has been the pattern - and that all the emotion that should be directed to the loss of my friend will be re-directed to him and to her.
How long has this pattern existed?
Have you noted any change in the pattern since discovery of his affair?
Does HE see this pattern?
Can you factually identify real steps your husband is taking to establish healthier patterns?
How have YOU changed YOUR inputs when this pattern raises its ugly head?
That leaves me feeling angry and sorry for myself, and then thinking those, 'WHY did I STAY with him???' kind of thoughts.
Feelings, no matter how strong, are not facts.
Anger is generally a secondary emotion....what is the primary emotion under that angry feeling?
All of your thoughts are not your own.....there are three participants present. God, you and satan....listed in order of authority. You have more authority then satan, as we have inherited this power from God through Jesus. (I still struggle to own that as the truth it is)
"Why did I stay with him???"
The question every BS ponders following adultery. God recognizes how strong a test adultery is on a marriage...on a person. He specifically sites this as a POSSIBLE cause for divorce, the ONLY possible cause for divorce. You have biblical grounds to do so, but its not mandatory.
What keeps this question fresh in your mind?
If factual evidence is present (he's actively cheating or fighting to keep parts of his habit alive that produce similar fruit), then you can change your original answer.
Does your husband treat your offer of Reconciliation as the gift it is? Does he take it for granted?
And I know I'm worrying into the future, but it's just such a lonely feeling.
"A fool lets the worry about the future and regrets of the past steal his present."
Look.....we have all been fooled and are foolish to some extent. Trials give us wisdom we lacked before they entered our lives. You are growing and gaining wisdom with each question you answer, each act of faith you step out on.
When we choose to pass\avoid\medicate the pain in our lives we most likely are missing our greatest spiritual growth moments.
I know that lonely feeling...thank goodness that is just a feeling and not a fact, huh?
Check every choice up against this question....
If I choose this, what is the fruit of that choice? If it is NOT good, wait and search for another choice....or make no choice and trust God.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:16 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]