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Strongheart

I agree with blakesteel and needfriendshere responses.

Remember God's timing isn't the world's timing. We are so accustomed to having immediate gratification in our go go world.

As we begin to seek God's will in our lives and actively pray for his will, we draw closer to Him and open up more of our lives to His healing touch.

If you aren't already involved with a Christian women's group, I would urge you to find one, where you can be in a loving community. Let them love on you and show you some of what God sees in you. Satan also loves to get us depressed and into stinkin thinkin about ourselves and especially our worth.

You may also want to read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It is a very good book and may help you in your situation with your parents. And if you choose to read the book, give yourself grace and patience as you try to set boundaries and make changes in your life.

Boundaries by Henry Cloud. SOLID ADVICE...read this!

If you're not a reader, get the audio version.

It will, as it did for me, open up new-to-you choices.

So much talk of "changing your patterns" on SI and in therapy.....but if you don't know, how can you choose it???

This book opened my eyes to a whole new set of choices. Once you read them and practice just a bit of them you will wonder how you missed so many obvious ones!!! It is quite freeing.

Its an easy read.....I bet once you start you won't want to put it down. Its the parental advice I missed during my formative years.....but its never too late! I was 43 read it.

You have youth on your side, StrongHearted.

I know you feel exhausted and deflated. BrokenheartedWif gives solid advice....get involved with an active, healthy Christian womens group. There is real value in fellowship. I am part of two mens groups and have taken the chance to go deeper with a select few male friends in my life. It has provided strength I needed, and they help me unveil strength deep within me that I didn't even know was there.

I can add when done with boundaries read the next one BEYOND BOUNDARIES...

right now I have started a book called MY SISTERS THE SAINTS...I can already tell I am going to really like it!

Strongheart YOU are in charge of YOU! It can be rather freeing when you realize this...I am turning 61 in a few weeks..it has taken me some time to get it but I do!

Satan is just a big pain in the butt ....kick him out....knowing that God has ALWAYS been on my side is even more freeing!

And YES please apply to grad school again!!!

Peace everyone!

I'm in need of prayer, hoping you all would support me right now.

Long story very short, several years ago my WH had a Mid-Life Crisis sex-capade with a woman half my age, which ended in a pregnancy. He fought for our marriage, we have done the hard work, and we are solidly in R. We are NC with OW and OC by mutual choice.

Over the last few years OW has set about creating connections to people in MY life, one of whom is the sibling of my best friend in the world, who is now dying. In all probability OW will be at my friend's funeral. I am overwhelmed with feelings of pain and loss. This friend is the only friend I have IRL who knows all the details of the A, the OC, etc. She has been my shoulder, my prayer partner, my support. Now I'm losing her, and her funeral may be the place that I have to see OW for the first time in years. I don't know what to do, or how to navigate this.

Honestly, I am just sad and scared. If you could pray for me, please pray that I would not operate out of a place of fear and anger. Under the surface, I am so very angry. I am angry at all the places my H's infidelity has touched in my life. It is just endless. I have to keep reminding myself that his intention was not to be so incredibly cruel. I am afraid that all the pain will swirl together, and that my relationship with my H will be damaged again because of my pain and anger.

I would really appreciate your prayers.

Plainpain....you are on my prayer list. Have been for a while now.

This trial is like none other I've experienced, so I don't have a point of reference or ideas on how to navigate it. Turns out, this is a good thing.

It is because my old coping mechs failed completely.

It was only upon this failing that my eyes were open to new, MUCH healthier choices.

Everything that happens is NOT Gods will on this fallen world, but everything happens for a reason.

How has Mr Plainpain grown/changed over the past 1.5 years?

How is he handling the upcoming possibility of seeing fOW?

We are almost 4 years out......wife still gets angry at seeing her fAP, a sign more healing and digging for deeper wounds is needed.

This week, on 2 separate occasions, we had situations where time was spent around 2 of AP's children. They look like him. It was dang hard on both of us.....such conflict between anger and sadness over what the affair did to us personally, and such deep compassion for the kids touched. So innocent....so hurt but they don't even know it. fOM continues to choose adultery with other women.

These situations were surprises. Didn't see them coming. Prefer they didn't occur, but my old pattern of choosing is gone. I chose to have me feelings and not let them have me. I chose to participate and not retreat.

I also went to the bathroom and out loud, talked to God asking him what he would have me do. Didn't hear a voice but did get a mindset to express my primary feelings to my wife, no condemning tones or words, and recognize the struggle this was for her too.

Small town here...7 kids affected....avoidance is not the complete solution. Moving could be....but not feeling moved to do so yet.

Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction against the family. It's so easy to choose.....can have an affair by the end of the day for $30 subscription to Ashley Madison. But by the time someone actually picks the fruit of adultery, a pattern of choosing has long been established.

Sat and crafty that way.....sin starts with the belief in a lie, and grows.

PlainPain.....don't you DARE believe you and God can't handle this POSSIBLE pending run-in. You are NOT the only person on this battlefield. God is open to working in fOW's life, in the life of your husband, and in all those who interact with all of you.

You CANT know the future....don't start making choices as if you do. That's where Satan wants you...."see, Gods not working in your life. He's resting comfortably in heaven while you engage in the battles of this fallen world." WRONG WRONG WRONG!

God is with you cause Jesus is in you.

You are wise to recognize anger and bitterness are not from God....he gives us a spirit of power, live and self discipline.

God is only interested in restoration of hearts (yes, it involves pain as any healing does....even cleaning a skinned knee hurts worse initially, but it's gotta be done).

Satan on the other hand seeks to kill and destroy our hearts.

2-5 year process.....we are close to healing but are on the 4.5-5 year plan. I honestly thought we roils be all better much sooner.....and I did because at that time I continued to believe the lies MY coping skills told me. "Just work harder, you can save your marriage". "Don't put your needs out there, they're not important...besides she will just hurt you." "Pain = bad".

You are not alone, Plainpain.

Bitterness and anger HURT the heart.

Plainpain,

First of all, I am so sorry that your friend is so ill. As far as OW is concerned, though, we need to all pray that she simply will not show up at the funeral.

We do all have free will. That is true. And it is how we use that gift that often gets us into trouble. But we also serve a living God who is active in our lives. One way He is active is by speaking to our hearts. I believe He speaks to them a lot. But we choose to shut Him out or ignore Him. ("We" being people, in general).

Let's pray that God puts it on OW's heart not to go to that funeral. And if, in her stubbornness, she does go, that He will surround you with His peace.

God has been reminding me lately that our prayers do not fall on deaf ears. And that - yes - God often uses other people to answer those prayers. When they hear His voice and yield to Him, miracles can and do happen.

Hang in there, Plainpain! I know this is a very rough time for you. But the good thing is that you have reached out to the One who can make a difference.

Thanks again y’all. I purchased Boundaries at my ICs request about a year ago, but have yet to read it. We have been working on boundaries since them and it is part of what has stirred up some conflict with my parents, which recently came to a head. I am handling it much better than I used to, but as always it’s a work in progress. It may be a good time to go back and read that book.

I have also thought for a while now about joining some type of Christian women’s group, but haven’t reached out. I will have to do this. I did email my pastor yesterday (finally) to set up an appointment. We are meeting next week.

When things “go wrong” I assume it is because I am not on the path that God has laid out for me and it scares me. I wonder when He will show me that I am on the right path, if ever. Will it be by things “going right”?

Plainpain, this will absolutely be a trial for you, but your heart is right where it should be. Keep praying hard and preparing yourself and God will be with you and help guide you. Honestly, it may affect your relationship with H momentarily, but it will not derail you. Look how far y’all have already come and what you have already been through. Prepare your H for possible trigger and ask for his help as well. I am sorry you are having to face this, but you can make it through. I will be praying for you!

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 8:52 AM, April 21st (Thursday)]

When things “go wrong” I assume it is because I am not on the path that God has laid out for me and it scares me. I wonder when He will show me that I am on the right path, if ever. Will it be by things “going right”?

I lived this way for 36 years of my life. I was brought up with a view of God a god of judgement and vengeance. My faith was very weak because it couldn't be deep when it was based on fear.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, that God doesn't send punishments down on you when you get on the wrong path. Sometimes we choose unhealthy paths and we're forced to deal with the consequences but that's not the same thing. I thought that anything that went wrong in my life was due to having sex with my boyfriend (now husband) when I was 17. That sounds insane now that I write it. But any issue in my marriage, any bad thing that happened in my life, I attributed to punishment for not saving myself for marriage. It took me a lot of therapy to truly internalize that God doesn't work that way. He loves us and is constantly calling us back to Him no matter what road we're on. The fact is that He meets us where we are. There isn't one road. If we make a wrong turn, it doesn't mean we're then destined to a life of misery as punishment. It is completely true that God uses every situation, even the seemingly very worst, for His good if we let Him.

The reading yesterday was from John:

I came into the world as light,

so that everyone who believes in me might not remain in darkness.

And if anyone hears my words and does not observe them,

I do not condemn him,

for I did not come to condemn the world but to save the world.

Whoever rejects me and does not accept my words

has something to judge him: the word that I spoke,

it will condemn him on the last day

I think it's a good passage to reflect on when we're struggling with why do bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad ones. Jesus didn't come to condemn us, He came to give us the truth so that we would have eternal life.

The other thing that popped into my head in your post about timing was the story of Hannah. It's a great one. 1 Samuel 11-17:

Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow:

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,

If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain,

If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me

By giving me a son,

I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you.

I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.

It so happened that as she continued in prayer before God, Eli was watching her closely. Hannah was praying in her heart, silently. Her lips moved, but no sound was heard. Eli jumped to the conclusion that she was drunk. He approached her and said, “You’re drunk! How long do you plan to keep this up? Sober up, woman!”

Hannah said, “Oh no, sir—please! I’m a woman hard used. I haven’t been drinking. Not a drop of wine or beer. The only thing I’ve been pouring out is my heart, pouring it out to God. Don’t for a minute think I’m a bad woman. It’s because I’m so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I’ve stayed here so long.”

Eli answered her, “Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.”

It's so hard to understand why we're going through something when we're in the thick of it. Often we can look back later and see where the suffering was taking us. But sometimes, we can't see it and will probably not know until the next life why something happened. What we can be sure of is that we're never alone. We're never outside of God's love. Never be afraid to bring your heartbreak and your tears to Him. I struggle with patience and I struggle with trusting that things can ever get better. But when I look at where I was and now where I am, I am left with undeniable proof that he was there all along leading me to Him. He's leading you too. Lay down your fear and let yourself be wrapped in His love.

Thank you all for your supportive words and for your prayers.

@blakesteele My fWH does not have anger towards OW, or any feelings at all about possibly seeing her again - except that he would rather not see her again, if he had the choice. He says she could have been anybody. The A was not about her, any more than it was about me. So, I'm not really concerned about him seeing her - except that I don't know what kinds of thoughts/feelings might suddenly surprise him. Especially if she brings OC. My main fear is that she will confront my H at the funeral, with the OC there, with MY kids there... and I will be completely emotionally un-equipped to deal with it, considering the nature of the event. Also, I am fearful that my H will pick a fight with me - because that has been the pattern - and that all the emotion that should be directed to the loss of my friend will be re-directed to him and to her. That leaves me feeling angry and sorry for myself, and then thinking those, 'WHY did I STAY with him???' kind of thoughts. And I know I'm worrying into the future, but it's just such a lonely feeling.

I honestly don't even want to talk to H about it. I don't want to say her name, I don't want him thinking about her, I don't want to remind him yet again of how devastating his choices were. I know. He knows. He can't go back and undo it, so we are moving forward. It just hurts.

So thank you for praying for me.

Plainpain.....I know this spot.

I'm gonna pray and be silent for a bit. I know the spot....but it's so close in my past it's still painful to recall.

It seems so simple, yet it's hard to describe.....the fear of looking, the worry that your fws is simply ignoring and avoiding.

I'll pause now.........the whole "he picks a fight" thing has me shook a bit. My wife has done this....and it was a flag.

Rest.

Okay....I had no answers to offer, but have felt moved to ask questions. Odd...but here it goes.

My main fear is that she will confront my H at the funeral, with the OC there, with MY kids there... and I will be completely emotionally un-equipped to deal with it, considering the nature of the event.

What is the exact fear?

--That he and her will see each other and fall in lust again?

--That she will express anger and rage and make a huge scene?

--That she will smirk in that "Yeah, I slept with your spouse...I win!" sort of way? (I've seen this from my wifes fOM, by the way....and it was quite okay. Surprise to me as I thought it would be "go time" for me and him if this happened....it was not. BUT, I did visualize this very fear, faced it, and was actually not surprised when it actually happened....but was surprised on how much of a non-issue it actually was. Yes, it still hurt, but in a very different way)

Say this exact fear happens....what is the fruit of that experience? What will come of it? What will come of it that has not already been picked?

Do you have to deal with it on your own?

What role does you play in this?

What role does your husband have in this?

Also, I am fearful that my H will pick a fight with me - because that has been the pattern - and that all the emotion that should be directed to the loss of my friend will be re-directed to him and to her.

How long has this pattern existed?

Have you noted any change in the pattern since discovery of his affair?

Does HE see this pattern?

Can you factually identify real steps your husband is taking to establish healthier patterns?

How have YOU changed YOUR inputs when this pattern raises its ugly head?

That leaves me feeling angry and sorry for myself, and then thinking those, 'WHY did I STAY with him???' kind of thoughts.

Feelings, no matter how strong, are not facts.

Anger is generally a secondary emotion....what is the primary emotion under that angry feeling?

All of your thoughts are not your own.....there are three participants present. God, you and satan....listed in order of authority. You have more authority then satan, as we have inherited this power from God through Jesus. (I still struggle to own that as the truth it is)

"Why did I stay with him???"

The question every BS ponders following adultery. God recognizes how strong a test adultery is on a marriage...on a person. He specifically sites this as a POSSIBLE cause for divorce, the ONLY possible cause for divorce. You have biblical grounds to do so, but its not mandatory.

What keeps this question fresh in your mind?

If factual evidence is present (he's actively cheating or fighting to keep parts of his habit alive that produce similar fruit), then you can change your original answer.

Does your husband treat your offer of Reconciliation as the gift it is? Does he take it for granted?

And I know I'm worrying into the future, but it's just such a lonely feeling.

"A fool lets the worry about the future and regrets of the past steal his present."

Look.....we have all been fooled and are foolish to some extent. Trials give us wisdom we lacked before they entered our lives. You are growing and gaining wisdom with each question you answer, each act of faith you step out on.

When we choose to pass\avoid\medicate the pain in our lives we most likely are missing our greatest spiritual growth moments.

I know that lonely feeling...thank goodness that is just a feeling and not a fact, huh?

Check every choice up against this question....

If I choose this, what is the fruit of that choice? If it is NOT good, wait and search for another choice....or make no choice and trust God.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:16 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]

Wow Blake, that was a great response! My therapist would approve!

I struggle with anxiety and sometimes it's so hard for me to get out of the downward spiral and hopelessness. On of my biggest anxieties centered around divorce. I felt like that was the worst possible things that could happen and I couldn't go on if it did. And it's taken me a long time to get to this point and a whole lot of prayer but after playing it out in my head, I know I would survive. It isn't what I want but I could live and still make a good life for myself even if that is the end result.

In the end, it's been freeing. I'm no longer living in constant fear and anxiety. We can't control anything but ourselves. It's sometimes hard to accept but also incredibly empowering.

Thanks VirgniaRegret!

God has worked in my life....and so has $11k worth of therapy!!! smile.

Seriously, God does and is working in all of his children's lives. For my journey it has taken multiple passes through the same crap for me to see "new" choices within them.......choices that were always there but I was blinded to.

In the end, it's been freeing. I'm no longer living in constant fear and anxiety. We can't control anything but ourselves. It's sometimes hard to accept but also incredibly empowering.

Areas of TREMENDOUS fear (abandonment and rejection for me) are loosing their power over me. Like you have testified, its INCREDIBLY empowering!!!

And some of these new-to-me choices are so fundamentally true I wonder how I missed them.....and then the reflection on that has almost always led me back to a wound. Once I identify the wound, I can then more easily trace the path from that wound through my pattern of unhealthy choices.

Then I can make new choices...or at least stop making the same wrong choice! I find POWER in this process!!! No longer feel or believing the lie that I am helpless.

Choices I made to fell into two categories; 1. either run from the fact the wound ever happened OR 2. I chose things that numbed the pain of those woundings (which is actually also a way to avoid pain).

"Addiction and Grace" by Gerald May is a great read. He submits any addiction can be traced back to a wound that was not recognized as such and never allowed to heal in healthy ways.

The truth will make you free.

dup

[This message edited by BrokenheartedWif at 4:11 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

On of my biggest anxieties centered around divorce. I felt like that was the worst possible things that could happen and I couldn't go on if it did. And it's taken me a long time to get to this point and a whole lot of prayer but after playing it out in my head, I know I would survive. It isn't what I want but I could live and still make a good life for myself even if that is the end result.

VirginiaRegret

While I don't want a divorce, I told my SAWS that if he choose to continue being the Bastard that he had become that he deserved to be with that lying adulterous disloyal slut. I told him they very much deserved each other since they were both beyond selfish and not to be trusted. I also told him I was pretty sure (his adultery co-conspirator had pretended to be a friend for years) that he and her BS weren't the only ones she was f**king. My SAWS knew I was very serious and that removed a lot of anxiety for me in that area. My SAWS threw her mostly under the bus and didn't want anything to do with her on DDay. She would have been completely under the bus, by

SAWS was still covering his at that point worthless backside regarding the length and the use of my bed.

He didn't want to be married or having to live real life with the adulterous co-conspirator.

@blakesteele Thank you very much for your thoughtful question response!

What am I afraid of? At this point, I am afraid to have to deal with my children discovering the existence of the OC in a manner that might be traumatic for them, at a time when I am emotionally distracted. Having to be there for the ones I love when I myself need great emotional support.

Fear that I will be robbed yet again. That one more relationship, one more memory, one more life event will be coloured by the effects of his choices. Fear that, yet again, I will have to be strong, strong, strong for the people that I love.

And just anger - because what right does this person have to cause me so much pain? It just all feels so unjust.

Cool...glad my questions were received as I'd hoped they would be, Plainpain.

You state "what right does she have....!?!"

This is the big piece of this battle....Satan can't take but what we give him, though he would SOOO want to. God COULD take all this away, but he won't cause he loves us too much! God desires us.....not in a needy co-dependent way but in a very healthy, loving way.

You can MAKE just about anyone do anything but.....love.

Love cannot be forced. God knows this....and is why he gives us free will. Not to have us do what he can't or doesn't want to.....but so we can enter an honest loving relationship with him.

Satan, on the other hand, seeks nothing but to kill and destroy.

Fear of the future and regrets of the past will kill our hope and present. That is OUR choice to make.

Gently....the fOW did not operate in a vacuum. No matter how seductive she was your husband ALWAYS had healthy options available to him. He choose the worst one......why? That's NOT a question for you to answer....but is one you need to have answered for you.

And not because you deserve the truth, but because your husband HONESTLY sharing it will be a strong indication HE desires an intimate loving relationship with YOU!!

Note: what people in affairs share are many (lust, escape from reality).....but love ain't one of them. It's almost always a sign of lack of love, starting with how AP's view themselves. Affairs are, like all sin, inherently selfish. Even though it takes two to commit adultery, it's still a singular sin.

Love = truth + grace and mercy.

Do you feel you have all the truth as to why your husband lived in the pattern he lived in, that eventually included adultery?

Do you feel you have all the truth as to why his pattern was at least agreeable, if not attractive to you?

That last one is a VERY humbling answer that's hard to face....and I still must stop and face it at least weekly to keep me growing past myself.

And growing past oneself, past known coping skills and into life processing ones is scary......but exciting and freeing like I had never imagined!!!!

Satan loves to stop me with the "fear" part of this.....but to do so will be to pass on the really cool part if coming fully alive!!

I pray your husband finds the courage he has lacked to do just that. In that same prayer I am grateful you, Plainpain, are boldly growing and healing forward!

When you're going through hell....keep on going!

Love cannot be forced. God knows this....and is why he gives us free will. Not to have us do what he can't or doesn't want to.....but so we can enter an honest loving relationship with him.

Satan, on the other hand, seeks nothing but to kill and destroy.

Fear of the future and regrets of the past will kill our hope and present. That is OUR choice to make.

Gently....the fOW did not operate in a vacuum. No matter how seductive she was your husband ALWAYS had healthy options available to him. He choose the worst one......why? That's NOT a question for you to answer....but is one you need to have answered for you.

And not because you deserve the truth, but because your husband HONESTLY sharing it will be a strong indication HE desires an intimate loving relationship with YOU!!

Note: what people in affairs share are many (lust, escape from reality).....but love ain't one of them. It's almost always a sign of lack of love, starting with how AP's view themselves. Affairs are, like all sin, inherently selfish. Even though it takes two to commit adultery, it's still a singular sin.

And growing past oneself, past known coping skills and into life processing ones is scary......but exciting and freeing like I had never imagined!!!!

Satan loves to stop me with the "fear" part of this.....but to do so will be to pass on the really cool part if coming fully alive!!

I pray your husband finds the courage he has lacked to do just that. In that same prayer I am grateful you, Plainpain, are boldly growing and healing forward!

When you're going through hell....keep on going!

Thanks Blakesteel great reminder for us all.

I'm struggling today. One day I feel trust and hope and certainty that my marriage will survive this mess. The next, I feel hopeless and unsure of what God is calling me to do.

Today's reading ended with this:

If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it.

That's a hard line and seems to be completely false. How many people with a sick child pray for their healing aND have the child die anyway? I pray for my husband, my marriage, my family. I hope it will remain intact. But the fact is, we don't always get what we pray for. Sometimes we have to act in ways we prefer not to. Is God calling me to leave this marriage?

I'm so conflicted and so unsure and wonder if it stems from my lack of faith. I feel so defeated today.

Plain pain, I'm so sorry about your friend. She sounds beautiful and amazing. I hear all of your fears about seeing the OW and your kids finding out about the OC. I am praying that she does not go at all. Still, if she does, focus on your friend and all she is to you. Grieve. Pray. I kind of think even if she goes, she would be escorted out by family or friends if she makes any scene at all. It's amazing to me that others could even be so selfish at such a time, but we all know some are. Hugs and prayers to you.