I want to SEE if I am really in relationship, ACTIVE relationship with God. The strongest test of that would be to experience the pain of abandonment, rejection and betrayal by another DD.
I just FEEL so different.....FEEL like we could handle it soooo much better now.
This is interesting. I'm in a much different place than I was on my DD almost 7 months ago. I have a much different relationship with God. A subsequent DD would be different now but no less devastating to me and I pray that I'll never have to experience it again.
But the first thing that came to mind while reading your post was the passage about Peter in Matthew 14:22-33.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
Peter tests the Lord because he doesn't believe. Although I know you don't want another DD, you seem to want to test your faith in yourself and in God.
What happens if that were to happen, what would it prove? It seems to me, like Peter, you could immediately get out of the boat to face the pain confident that the Lord will lift you up, only to become afraid and start to sink. And then what? Does it shake your faith in God? Do you become despondent because you feel like you failed the Lord not having strong enough faith to weather this storm?
Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Matthew 4:5-7
You don't need to wish for a test to prove your faith in the Lord. And in fact, we're told not to put God to the test. And ultimately, I think that's what it boils down to. If you were to experience another DD, would your faith in God pull you through, would God pull you through. You just need to trust that if that test comes in any form, that the Lord will not abandon or forsake you. Last bible quote for you:
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Simon,” he said to Peter, “are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” Mark 14:37-38
Pray that you won't fall into temptation because we are all weak and broken. Pray that if you do, you'll put your faith in God to see you through.
That's all from me.