SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all! Been months since I've posted here and just wanted to give a little update. I needed to take a little break and focus on my healing. And wow has it been a crazy road. I remember sitting in my therapist's office crying after my affair was over saying what kind of person does the things I did? I was so ashamed and hated myself so much, I didn't understand how I got where I was. How I betrayed not just my husband by also myself. I spent almost 2 years in that shame spiral. Unable to even pray because I felt too ashamed and undeserving of forgiveness.

When he cheated this past august, it was the wake up call that got me moving again. I went back to church. I was led to a priest to be my spiritual adviser. When I say led, I mean that literally. There is no other explanation for how I ended up in his office than divine intervention. With his help and the counsel of two very wonderful women, I saw a psychiatrist in December. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder which runs in my family.

It's completely changed the way I see myself. Finally after years of self hatred, I saw my life in a whole different light. I'm not the awful person I thought I was. I struggle with something very real and very horrible. It also changed the way I saw my affair. It doesn't free me from the responsibility, I take ownership of my decisions. But it has changed the way I see it. I was clearly manic. People at the time could see it and wanted me to get help but I was so high I wasn't interested.

I'm now under the care of a psychiatrist and therapist and attend a bipolar support group, a prayer group, and meet with my parish priest on a regular basis. Life is still hard. My husband and I are still dealing with the horrible effects of both of our infidelities. I still wonder if we will make it through. Some days I hope we won't and I can put all this misery behind me. But I can see clearly how Jesus has worked in my life these last 7 months since I turned back to Him. And the way He worked hasn't been what I thought it would be. But His ways are far above mine and I can see how he's led and continues to lead even when it's a hard path for me to follow.

This has been the hardest road of my life and I wish more than anything I didn't have to walk it. I will live forever with regret. But somehow God has transformed my worst regret and my biggest heartbreak into a relationship with Him. Would I have ever found my way back to Him if all these things hadn't happened? Who can say? I pray for everyone here regularly that we'll all find peace where we are.

VirginiaRegret:

What a beautiful testimony to finding your way back to Jesus. Thank you for sharing, I will keep you in my prayers.

Solid testimony VirginiaRegrets....thanks for sharing!

Those false agreements and shame...I know those. I'm convinced that's sat and first line of warfare....using them to keep us from even engaging in the battle. Congrats on growing past that!!!

SteadyChevy....man, has God used you to speak to me. God is good....but there's a reason the Gospel had to become incarnate. We NEED flesh and blood interaction too. Thank you and Hihn for your concern!

Worry is not a sin. It speaks to a lack of faith. But that's not a sin.

Speaking from a guy who lived his life with back up plans for when the first back up plan fails....I know about lack of faith issues! Smile.

Trials affect faith. They can grow it or help you find it.

Now, just cause it ain't son doesn't mean it isn't foolish/destructive.

Only a fool lets worries about tomorrow and regrets of the past steal his present.

Fellowship is a gift that helps me appreciate the present....ALL of it, good and bad.

Thanks for the fellowship I find in this thread.

Very specific prayers of healing surrounding bitterness, anger and resentment are appreciated....and said for you all as well.

VirginiaRegrets.....don't let your past steal your present. Don't believe those lies on your head....you are healing, you have grown and matured. Keep going.

VirginiaRegrets,

don't let your past steal your present. Don't believe those lies on your head....you are healing, you have grown and matured. Keep going.

Ditto, what Blakesteele said.

P.S. I too appreciated your testimony you posted.

[This message edited by hihn at 1:48 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

faithfulfeathers,

Temptation can look enticing regardless of the destruction it causes and the only way to be strong enough against it is to walk with Him. We can allow his strength to help us if we allow him to lead the way, instead of leaning on our own understanding. This is a struggle that can affect any area of our lives, but an ultimate testament in how we die to ourselves.

Beautifully said! I am sending prayers and hugs your way

Agreed, blakesteele, worry is a lack of faith rather than a sin. My daughters were on me for worrying about everything and, like you, having a back-up plan for the back-up plan for the back-up plan.

Prayers to all and I would appreciate some to for strengthening faith.

I read a daily devotional and today's meditation reminded me of this forum:

"As we wrestle with our fears and God’s directive to break with our own wills, we would do well to remember exactly that:

God does not—cannot—will evil. God wills good out of evil.

We’re constantly inundated with so many conflicting expectations and judgements and desires that shape our will: Still single? Shouldn’t you follow your career over marriage? You’re pregnant again? Where’s that big christian family we thought you’d have? You’re not going back to work?

And on it goes.

The world is oversaturated with misguided human will, but remember: there is only one true will of God for each of us. And whenever we break with our own inflexible will, God conforms us more closely to the best path and plan for our soul—His.

No one, but no one, loves us or wills the best for us more than our God."

Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe that that can possibly be true. When bad things happen, it seems like I'm totally abandoned and alone. But I've gradually come to see what it means that God brings good out of evil. And the reality is sometimes, it takes a really really long time to see it. There are times when I can look back over the last 4 years of my life and see how good God has been. That's kind of a big thing for me with infidelity on both sides within that time period. But somehow, I can see how even in what feels like the worst situation, He hasn't abandoned me. He still loves me. He's still near.

Of course there are some days when I can't see through the pain and wonder if God exists at all.

He does. And he cares about our human pain. And if we let him, he will transform us and our lives into something beautiful. It's hard to see in the middle and may not end the way we think. I've been trying to hand my marriage over to the Lord and accept whatever becomes of it. It's hard because I know what I want but as we know, that's not always what we get.

Prayers for strength and faith. Don't give up!

I would appreciate if someone would pray this prayer for me and my husband:

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Luke 8:17

And that I would stop obsessing and trust that God will fight for me. Thank you.

I have and I will some more, CitrusC. I could use a little (or a lot) of Luke 8:17 myself.

(((CitrusC))) I understand how hard can be when your brain just won't stop.

Thank you VirginiaRegret, your introspection is appreciated and admired.

Hihn, thank you for the hugs.

There is so much self-reflection and seeking here and I thank all of you for sharing your paths. I think it gives us a much clearer vision of who God is when we look back at how much good He can bring out of our sorrows if we let him. Praying for peace and rest in His glory for all of you.

echo what steedychevy said CitrusC

Thank you so muchfor your prayers.❤️

Thank you so muchfor your prayers.❤️

So I got this weird feeling.....desire.....interest????

I now understand more fully that we are very much in a battle while on this fallen world.

I also understand I did the best I could almost 4 years ago when my first DD....and did my best on subsequent DD's.

I also see that I was living very independently. Always believed in God, but when push came to shove I believed in myself......more.

Reflecting and working through this trial has led me to large reasons why this was. No blame....I chose as I chose. But I understand myself, see my motivations clearly now.

So......here it is........

I want to SEE if I am really in relationship, ACTIVE relationship with God. The strongest test of that would be to experience the pain of abandonment, rejection and betrayal by another DD.

Sick, right?

I just FEEL so different.....FEEL like we could handle it soooo much better now.

Amy thoughts?

I know it's twisted.....it's why I post this. I haven't been able to shake this crazy notion.......

.........anyone?

I want to SEE if I am really in relationship, ACTIVE relationship with God. The strongest test of that would be to experience the pain of abandonment, rejection and betrayal by another DD.

Sick, right?

I just FEEL so different.....FEEL like we could handle it soooo much better now.

This is interesting. I'm in a much different place than I was on my DD almost 7 months ago. I have a much different relationship with God. A subsequent DD would be different now but no less devastating to me and I pray that I'll never have to experience it again.

But the first thing that came to mind while reading your post was the passage about Peter in Matthew 14:22-33.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Peter tests the Lord because he doesn't believe. Although I know you don't want another DD, you seem to want to test your faith in yourself and in God.

What happens if that were to happen, what would it prove? It seems to me, like Peter, you could immediately get out of the boat to face the pain confident that the Lord will lift you up, only to become afraid and start to sink. And then what? Does it shake your faith in God? Do you become despondent because you feel like you failed the Lord not having strong enough faith to weather this storm?

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Matthew 4:5-7

You don't need to wish for a test to prove your faith in the Lord. And in fact, we're told not to put God to the test. And ultimately, I think that's what it boils down to. If you were to experience another DD, would your faith in God pull you through, would God pull you through. You just need to trust that if that test comes in any form, that the Lord will not abandon or forsake you. Last bible quote for you:

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Simon,” he said to Peter, “are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” Mark 14:37-38

Pray that you won't fall into temptation because we are all weak and broken. Pray that if you do, you'll put your faith in God to see you through.

That's all from me.

Solid response, VirginiaRegrets....thanks!

I have gained clarity through you sharing verses and narrative.

As I ponder what you posted its occurred to me I need not worry about future tests and trials.....they WILL come!

I see changes in how I respond to all other stress's in my life. Most recently a large one at work that had me changing both my thought process and choice!

Sanctification is way cool.

Just a question: What do you do when you're feeling flat in your prayer life? When you have more questions than answers and prayer doesn't seem to be yielding anything?

I'm wondering if it's just the cycle of relationships, even relationship with the Lord. Although brought up in a strict Christian family, I consider myself a convert because I didn't really truly believe and throw myself in until August 2015. At that point, faith was easy. In fact, it was the only option I had. After finding out about my husband's affair, I immediately went back to church and clung desperately to the cross because I had nothing else. And I could see clearly how God was working in my life. Not always in the moment, but in only a couple months, I saw massive positive changes.

Now, prayer seems more difficult. I'm more easily distracted. I'm having trouble even talking to God right now. I wonder if for most people at a moment of conversion, the flame burns hot and bright. And as we fall into the every day, it's becomes a smaller but constant fire. I don't know. I want to serve God. I want to stay close but I'm having trouble and I think it's directly related that I'm feeling more anxious.

So, what do you do when you don't feel close to the Lord? Is it just the ebb and flow that you wait out?

VirginiaRegrets....you are quite normal. I experience what you describe.

Even a half-baked earthly father would feed his 5 year old daughter if she were hungry. Even if she was so weak and in another room and couldn't make a word come from her mouth, he would not feast at a banquet knowing his daughter was so hungry. And that's an EARTHLY father

Our Father in Heaven....well, we can't even begin to grasp how great a Dad HE is! After all, if we could grasp that in its entirety....just how "great" could He be, right? Smile.

The point is even if we can't find the words, even if our immature eyes can't see results as soon as we want to...God knows us. He saw us "getting hungry", he saw every sinful step away from the banquet that is his love. He NEVER gave up on us. He cares about you VirginiaRegrets. Don't let satan fool you into believing otherwise.

As a Dad myself I've seen me provide for my daughters without them asking.....and I've also allowed them to exhaust their known abilities before they asked me for help, even though I have the urge to rush in and do "it" for them.

Why? To allow them to grow.

God lovingly does the same with us.

Keep praying.....and be sure listening is a part of that activity. God may be answering prayers in ways you're not listening for.

Also, just read a story of Daniel praying.....it was 3 weeks before the angel sent to help him arrived. But God dispatched the angel the first day the prayer was prayed.......only thing is the Angel of good had to fight off dark angels to get to Daniel. THAT battle was the delay, not Hod turning a blind ear to the prayer.

God doesn't turn blind ears to us.

God will not abandon or reject us like so many earthly fathers do.

Furthermore, His Holy Spirit is active in us....so we don't even have to have great words in our prayers! Ha! That is soooo hard for a guy who has back-up plans for when the back-up plan doesn't work!!

We don't have to have the perfect words, but we must believe and have faith.

Keep the faith.

Though specific words are not at all necessary, in my life it helps calm my anxiety, guilt and shame (regarding my past and my future) if at the start of earnest prayer I first invite God in and envoke the power of Jesus bestowed on me (as a son of God) over my life.

Remember, a third of all angels were felled from Heaven.....and they are all around, trying to stop our journey back to the full relationship with God.

Ever notice how your mind can wander during prayer? How you get sleepy? Think that's just of your doing....think again.

Satan loves it when we chase our own tail.....for when we do we fail to get to the front lines of this battle and he doesn't have to exert energy fighting us off!

Note: almost always when I hit a wall that tried to tell me "that's it, there's no more, you're on your own"....I have a breakthrough very shortly......if I persist.

Keep going.