Hi gang...its been a bit since I have been on SI. Forgive me.
Thanks guys. I'm so tired of being tired and crying. I have been crying out to God for help. Begging Him for clarity and wisdom. I'm more afraid of the unknown than anything.
I know this spot. I am almost 4 years from DD1, but still recall this spot as if it were yesterday.
Couple words of encouragement.
Crying out to God.....thats a good thing. I have cussed at God. I have pleaded and bargained with God. I have sobbed uncontrollably with him. Been tempted to live legalistically, like the Pharisees did. I have chosen boldly with and ran scared from him. While I don't believe it was God's will to have my wife choose adultery....satan will was done by her free will choice.....I see how God has used this trial to grow OUR (His and mine) relationship. All of this to say I have a REAL, LIVING relationship through Jesus with God as a result of this trial.........and I have done my part imperfectly and in very messy ways at times.
I am not the man I was say 5 years ago. THANK GOD!!!
Growth hurts. Change hurts. Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.
I see you have already gained wisdom.
You recognize a PATTERN of avoiding real intimacy in your husband well before actual adultery was chosen. I see it clearly in Gracerunner.
Remember, adultery is false-intimacy. It FEELS real, but lacks reality. No one would choose it if they were in patterns of operating with love.
Love = truth + grace and mercy.
Emotional abuse.....had that in my pre-A M too. Though didn't recognize at such AND my FOO had me accepting that as normal. My wife very much recreated the dynamic I observed in my FOO. She is changing, I am changing....and that has God written all over it. Withdrawing at the level my wife did is abuse....and it tapped into my unrecognized, unhealed wounds of abandonment as a boy.
Its said satan hits you were it hurts the most, where he can get the most bang for his buck. I NOW understand why even the slightest withdrawal by my wife hurt so much.....that action hit me in a festering wound. Imagine a thumb being pressed into a un-tended to gunshot wound. Now that that is healing.....Gracerunner can withdraw and I DON'T re-start a destructive, CoD cycle!!! That. Feels. Great.
Yeah...it sucks to have a wife reject you, but it doesn't feel life-threatening anymore! Satan hates I am healing....he loved it when I was blind to that injury!
Rest is part of the battle too! That continues to be a challenge for me. But remind myself that while I am resting God and his Spirit are working on my behalf.
You can have knowledge, or you can have faith....but you can't have both.
I have gained wisdom from this journey, but am far from wise.
You know what's nice about being a Christian without all the answers?
You don't need the answers. You need faith.
Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction against the family....it can and usually does transcend generations. It attempts to kill hope....and hope to the soul is like breath to the body.
Keep the faith.
We are in a battle...but the war is won. Satan knows that and is why he is taking as much as he can as fast as he can. When he whispers reminders about your past, remind him of his future.