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Newest Member: May28

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...


Betrayed20 ( new member #61442) posted at 9:34 AM on Wednesday, January 10th, 2018

Very helpful and inspiring post. Thank you

posts: 8   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2017
id 8067663

Mamacesto ( member #61938) posted at 11:51 AM on Wednesday, January 10th, 2018

Great post which I need to read over and over again. You see, I do feel the OW is better than me. Maybe not her values but her looks, body, sex and everything else. I feel like I'm a piece of trash next to her. I guess someday I will get my self-confidence and some of my self-esteem back. I sure hope so.

Thanks for posting!

Me - BW -51 (at time of A)
WH - 59 (at time of A)
OW - 42 (at time of A)
D-Day #1 EA/PA 10-02-17;
D-Day #2 EA 10-14-18
M - 24 yrs (at time of A)
...attempting R

posts: 280   ·   registered: Dec. 23rd, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8067682

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:51 AM on Saturday, January 13th, 2018

My corporate America H with his suits and ties had an A with a decades younger OW. She’s covered in tattoos and a drama queen with a long history of failed relationships.

He told her his friends would accept her no problem.

Yeah well his friend’s wives would not.

And you would be bringing a girl who is proud to show the tattoos on her boobs and neck and arms and chest to a corporate board? I mean seriously - my H would have been the butt if the office jokes on that one.

These “older” men who marry much younger bimbos are clueless to what people say behind their backs. Mostly she married him for $

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8069954

anthony ( new member #61903) posted at 2:21 AM on Sunday, January 14th, 2018

This hits the nail on the head. - from a betrayed husband

posts: 43   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2017   ·   location: Idaho
id 8070435

Mywholelife ( new member #62225) posted at 1:33 PM on Monday, January 15th, 2018

Thank you. This post just made my day. I feel the same way.In my case. The OW's husband told me his wife was nothing but trailer park trash (his words). And my WH told me she is disgusting and convenient. Your post just confirmed what i've been feeling. SHe's not intelligent or interesting - she's sleazy - to the point where she'd tell my husband about other men she'd been with. Lovely!

So, thank you for confirming that I am so much better!

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Ohio
id 8071091

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, January 15th, 2018

Ladies in this thread.

There is a line from an old rock&roll song that goes like this:

A pretty face don’t mean no pretty 💜 heart

And it’s true!!!

Anyone can look good with $ and fake boobs and plastic surgery and injections and a gym membership.

Anyone who wants to sleep around and sleep with MM can have an A. Or a boyfriend. Or be used and discarded like trash.

But that is NOT who we are. We are people with souls and morals and a heart and principles raising our kids and loving our Hs or BFs or SOs.

We look good. We are pretty. We are funny. We are good people!!! But we have to stop comparing ourselves to women who are single or no kids or selfish or trashy.

We are better than that. If my H doesn’t love me b/c I gain weight - well then I married the most shallow person I know. And that does not make a good partner.

And so sorry for him that he just doesn’t appreciate a kind and loving spouse who was only too happy to be a good partner and responsible parent and kind hearted person. Who was financially responsible. Didn’t run up my credit cards. Wasn’t a shopaholic or alcoholic or have any serious issues. His loss then.

I dont want to be viewed as a person always drinking too much and acting horribly in public. I don’t want to embarrass my family.

We need to feel strong and confident about us!! We are who we are. And we are something good. Despite our CHs.

Anything is possible. Okay almost anything. But if our cheating spouses don’t want to value us then we need to make sure that WE value us!!!

The other line from a different song goes like this:

...we live our lives in chains ..and we never even know we have the key”

We always have options. Even if you think you don’t. You do!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:45 PM, January 15th (Monday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8071335

Twinkies ( member #56551) posted at 8:29 PM on Monday, January 15th, 2018

I appreciate this

she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2016
id 8071370

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, January 15th, 2018

Or that she had to look in the mirror (at any given moment) and realize she was used like a piece of trash and discarded.

That is who the AP is - a discarded person when the A ends.

That cannot build up anyone’s self esteem if they are a sane rational person. Knowing that is who you are or were has to make you feel bad about yourself. If you stop to acknowledge it.

I asked my therapist what happens to girls who sleep around in HS and jump from one relationship (if you call two weeks screwing around a relationship) to another or A to A and he said I have a long client list filled with women like that. They are not happy and still have a lot of problems that should have been addressed years ago.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8071419

SunAfterRain ( new member #62462) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, January 31st, 2018

Thank you! I will definitely be reading this anytime I need the reminder! She took so much from me but NEVER got all of his heart, all of his time, his ring on her finger or his children. Those are all things that I have now and will have going forward. She took time from us, but just a small fraction of it. Stay strong SIer’s!

[This message edited by SunAfterRain at 3:41 PM, January 31st (Wednesday)]

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8083352

Angelvictorious ( member #61617) posted at 3:21 AM on Thursday, February 1st, 2018

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash.

That!! This sums up the ow so well.

Thank you.

posts: 481   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2017
id 8083561

minusone ( member #50175) posted at 11:03 PM on Tuesday, April 24th, 2018


"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8372   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8149296

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 11:33 PM on Tuesday, April 24th, 2018

Goes the other way, too. My WW chased her AP hard until he caught her. He attracted her attention one day and he became the (willing) prey. WW knew he was married. Later she found out his wife left him for fucking a different woman but after they started playing footsie. I guess that heightened his appeal to her knowing he was a cheater. They both said they weren't going to live together. She wasn't leaving me. There was no future with him. Nice play thing, though, if you don't get caught.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4718   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8149316

Maycat ( member #61947) posted at 12:10 AM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

Thanks for the bump- I'd seen this thread several times but didn't read it since I didn't think it applied to us. But it DOES. The OW is still mostly a mystery to me, but after a few more months of further insight... she doesn't matter. She's not prettier, younger, better, smarter. 'Mostly alone' is one way WH described her...well geez, wonder why?

BW 41
WH 39 bipolar
M-Nov 2015, attempting R-a work in progress
DDay: 11/17/17, TT until 1/9/18
Currently stealth mode

posts: 50   ·   registered: Dec. 23rd, 2017
id 8149338

burninghouse ( member #63308) posted at 12:51 AM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

THANK YOU for this!!!

My self-esteem has taken a massive blow. I feel lower than dirt.

It's still early in the betrayal, but I can't shake the sad fact: he did not choose me but instead some lying, cheating, seriously f-ed up chick.

She's a lot younger than me and, I'm sure in his eyes, so much "better" in so many ways.

But the truth is: she's a homewrecker, cheater and liar, just like him. She has serious ISSUES. So does he - and not the kind that I can claim.

I thank goodness I am not like her! Or him for that matter!

Saving this to read often!

[This message edited by burninghouse at 6:52 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

BW (me)
WH (him)
D-day 3/2018

Reminding myself often, "The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl

posts: 457   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2018
id 8149355

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 2:02 AM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

THANK YOU!!! I love this, I needed this. I agree with another post, I am standing up cheering and have a huge smile on my face!

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8149397

yuvas ( member #59339) posted at 4:48 AM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

It took me a long time to really understand the meaning of this. I used to believe that it was in relation to physical attractiveness or educational/career success but it really has nothing to do with that.

My eye opening experience was when I stumbled across an OW board, it’s member only so I created an account and joined. It’s a very protected forum so there are no outside views or comments (from non OP) allowed so they can talk freely and honestly. It’s one of the most painful and disturbing places I’ve ever ventured. Regardless of how successful or attractive these women are the anguish, mistreatment, willful blindness and mental gymnastics they put themselves through is disturbing. You have to be in a very damaged place emotionally and spiritually to live like that - I’m not talking in a moral sense, rather from a psychological - to keep yourself in such a state.

For us we (me at least) think the OP gets the best side of our spouses, that they get the love, excitement, trips away and attention. And and times they do, but I’ve learnt these moments are relatively infrequent peaks in some very, very deep troughs.

Ive no doubt this was the experience of my exH OW, they went on to have an extremely tumultuous relationship over the next four years, lots of breaks ups, fights, drama even more cheating. When they broke up for good he moved onto another (married and pregnant with her husbands child ) woman who he’s since married. I don’t know - or even care- if they’re happy but it demonstrates a solid pattern of brokenness on his part and the women who he chooses - which included me when we were teens and got together.

The OW was much older than us, she missed her childbearing years on the drama coaster that was this relationship. She’d now be about 50 and I’d make an educated guess still alone, because sadly for her relationships seem to mean instability, and the narcissistic love cycle that both she and my ex seem to need (idealise, devalue, discard).

For the most part, no matter how pretty or accomplished women (or men but this is based on my experience) who chose to be the OW are emotionally damaged. These days I just feel sorry for exH OW and others like them, it takes so much trauma to get to the point in your life that you’re willing to be so mistreated.

posts: 391   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2017
id 8149469

 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 5:36 PM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2018

So glad to see that Death by Betrayal's insightful post is still helping so many.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6645   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8149862

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 5:26 PM on Saturday, April 28th, 2018

Another bump for this amazing thread.

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8152343

Heartbrokeness ( member #63487) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, April 28th, 2018

Wow this is powerful thank you for posting it. I really needed to read that right now x

Me - BS Hubby - WS, both late 30’s
👧🏼 - 10 👦🏼- 7 ( 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼)
Married - 12 years - together 17yrs
D-Day 17th March 18 -2am UK time 6

posts: 68   ·   registered: Apr. 19th, 2018   ·   location: UK
id 8152558

litost ( member #62616) posted at 1:21 AM on Monday, April 30th, 2018

Thank you for this post; it made me feel better in regards to my OW angst for the very first time. Every point you made rings true.

It's a waking nightmare when you doubt yourself because of your spouse's actions. My confidence and self-esteem were nuked. I was certain she had to be better than me in some way since she "won," and he chose her. In the end, she got a crappy prize, and discarded it last I checked.

A WS isn't wired right. And social comparison is a rigged game you can never win for long.

Bumping this thread again in case it can help someone else.

[This message edited by litost at 7:24 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8153255
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